Defiance Got Me Good.....or Bad...Ughhh

02/12/2007

 

I am supposed to be grounded....lol....laughable right? Apparently my overbearing....ooops, I mean, my darling husband does not find this humorous. And apparently he finds my ignoring his punishments less than amusing as well. So here is what happened today.....ughhhh

 

I have been grounded to the house for the week, unless Im going to work, school, or somewhere with my escort because of the stunt Kristina & I pulled in Home Depot last week. Lol. It *was* hilarious. :) Well I knew the hubby would be working late today.....he has a deployment quickly approaching and he had said they've been very busy and he wouldn't be home for dinner......translation, he wont be home til after 10pm so I am free until then.....sort of.

 

Now I thought I had this well planned and completely thought out. I even set up my home phone to call forward to my cell because I knew he would call to check on me. See, smart girl. :) Kristina and I decided to go shopping.......again. He called.....I answered and said I was home watching DVR of Dr Phil.....he hung up quickly....lol.

 

We are happily strolling through the mall when I hear a familiar voice, "Hey Mrs Moose, where's the drill instructor?" I spin and see our good friend Robert. Sad right? Even his own Marines call him the drill instructor.....lol. The man needs to smile. :) I hugged Robert and mentioned something about my not supposed to be out of the house, so please dont mention we saw each other. He agreed......I cook for this man.....alot.....he knows better than to squeal.....and he is the same rank as my hubby so he has little to worry about from the Marine. So off Kristina and I go.....merrily along our shopping trip.

 

At about 930p we are getting ready to leave and head home when my phone rings, him again. "Where are you at angel?" Awww.....aint he sweet? Lol. "Home honey. WHen are you coming home?" I answered trying to sound as innocent as possible. "About an hour baby. You dont have to wait up if youre tired." I hurried him off the phone and told Kristina we were in the clear, another hour until he would be home so we were fine.

 

As we pull in the driveway, I can see my dining room light is on.....and I did not leave it on. But I dont see his truck, so maybe I forgot I turned it on. Anyway, I grabbed my stuff from Kristina's trunk and rushed it into the guestroom.....stuffed it way in the back of the closet so I can bring out my new found treasures one at a time and slowly introduce them into the house since I was not authorized to make these $700 worth of purchases tonight. Lol. The Marine takes time to get used to new treasures.....lots of time. :)

 

I walk out of the room backwards and flip the light off before shutting the door. When I turn around I turned right into a solid wall. And my wall was not there 3 minutes ago. Yep the wall didnt move either. It is not my wall.....it is my husband. Damn damn damn.

 

"You scared me." I squeaked at him. "Why is that baby? Oh wait, silly question. You're scared because you snuck out when you were grounded......oh no, wait, maybe you're scared because you LIED to me Natalie Lynn.....TWICE. Oh wait, could there be more? I wonder what was just stuffed into that closet......I am pretty certain you wouldnt be hiding groceries in a closet. How many rules have you broken today girl?" His voice is pure irritation, with a hint of anger. I am screwed and I know it. Im trying to think FAST.....really fast.

 

"Um I was only gone for a half hour because Kristina took me to pick up something I bought for your birthday. I didnt think youd mind." I look up at him and pout slightly, praying he is going to believe this. "Sweet Lynn.....other than the fact that you just LIED again. You were gone more than a half hour. I've been here 2 hours now little girl. I left work to come home and spend time with my wife and not only is she gone, she lies to me, then when she is caught she lies again." Damage control now.....he knows I lied about the time but he didnt mention the purchases, so he bought that one, but crap lying is bad.....really bad.

 

An intelligent woman would start backtracking now.....apologizing.....begging. But I dont seem to be in an intelligent mood.....infact Im in a down right rotten mood. One of those, "screw off darling, Ill do whatever the fuck I want to darling, and go get bent darling" moods.....know what I mean? Damn Irish genes.

 

"Im not 5 Jason and you cant ground me. Im an adult and if I want to go shopping with my girlfriends then I will do it. You should have told me you were coming home, you didnt. So YOU LIED." I am attempting to sound tough and trying to look just as tough. Kind of hard to do when you're 5'7" on your tippy toes and he is 6'1". "I can not believe you. An adult? Is that what you call what you & Kristina did last week? Adult? She used a display toilet on a showroom floor and you encouraged it! You got kicked out of a store for life Lynn. For something beyond ignorant not to mention immature. I dont know any other adults aside from you two that would even consider doing shit like that. You act like a child, I will treat you like one." His voice is elevated now, and he kind of has a point.

 

"I wasnt even the one who shit in the store Jason. I just laughed about it. You would have to. Anyway, it doesnt matter. Im an adult and Im not grounded anymore." I poked my index finger into his chest as I said this, trying again to intimidate him......or at the very least make it so he wouldnt care to fight about it tonight. Fight......such a funny word. We never get to fight in this house.......the rest of the world is lucky.....they can fight all day with their spouses.....me? Yeah freaking right. About 2 seconds worth and then Im quickly subdued....lol.

 

He glares down at me and grabs my wrist.....the man's hand can encircle my entire freaking wrist. Talk about helpless. "Is that so? Not grounded? We will see about that. I wonder which will happen first.......me deciding to unground you or the marks that Im about to put on your ass healing? Im going to guess quite a while on both." He is practically dragging me down the hall toward our room. Im trying to dig in my heels, pull my arm away, anything to escape. "Baby no, you cant spank me. Youre angry. Ill never forgive you if you spank me when youre angry."

 

He stops and turns to look at me, a foot or so from our door. "I am not angry Natalie Lynn. But I am irritated with your behavior and now your mouth. And I am going to make an impression on you so you understand how much I dislike my wife lying to me. Got it?" Somehow that was not comforting. Ok, plan C.......defiance didnt work (never does), guilt didnt work, lets try seduction. :) I wrap my arms around his chest and hug him tightly, then look up at him and pout a little, "Baby, Im sorry. I'll be a good girl and obey my grounding. Lets just forget tonight happened. You said you came home to spend time with me......so spend time with me. Make love to me." He slides his fingers through my belt loops and lifts me up to kiss me......gotta love that. :) Then sits me back down, kisses my forehead and just when I thought I may have gotten out of it, he opened his damn mouth again, "Sorry pumpkin, not happening. I'll make love to you.....AFTER I whip your bratty little ass."

 

I stomp my foot and yell at him, "Like hell you will. I wont ever let you fuck me again." He laughs, "Not much choice in that darling. You're mine. Dont make threats you cant follow through with short stuff." Damn damn damn. Into the room we go.

 

I'm not ready to give this up yet so I figure I will go back to defiance. Dont even ask why.....I cant answer you. It has never worked......ever. But for God knows what reason, Natalie feels backed into a corner she just has to try to fight her way out of it. Some sort of natural reflex......though why God gave it to a submissive woman is beyond me. Im like some bipolar brat.....lol. "Pants down, bend over the bed." He barks at me. Here goes some more unintelligence....."No. I dont have to and you cant make me." Um.....actually yes he can.....pretty freaking easily too. He laughs again.....must find this challenge entertaining. This only infuriates me more. "Keep laughing fuck face. I still aint doing it." Oh my God I didnt choke on that.....it came out......damn it. Judging by the look on his face and the sudden halt in laughter, he heard what I said at the same time I did and if I didnt believe Id actually said it before, I believe it now. Damn it.

 

Our eyes are locked and he is approaching me, very slowly.....just glaring at me. I cant even look away. Im frozen but staring straight at him. He stops directly infront of me, glares for another minute or so without a word being spoken. Then he grabs a handful of my hair and pulls.....hard.....tilting my head to the side as he leans down to whisper into my ear. "What did you just say to me little girl?" His voice gives me chills.....that tone of voice, that calm, steely voice in my ear.....oh my God, beyond unnerving. He pulls harder, "I asked you a question and I expect an answer Lynn." Im frantic, my mind drowning, surely I cant repeat it. "I umm....Im sorrryyyy Sirrr." is all that escapes. "No ma'am, thats certainly not what I heard. I believe I heard MY wife not only tell me NO but she swore at me....and what word was it you used? Tell me that wasn't the word that we agreed was banned from this house. Surely it couldnt have been the vulgar F word that I heard, directed at me none the less." His hand tightening its grip. "Babyyy pleasseee. I didnt mean it. It just slipped out." He leans down and whispers again, "Get your damn pants down and bend over the edge of that bed now Lynn. If I were you I'd find an obedient bone in your body right now....you do not want to see what will happen if you defy me again young lady." Then he let go of my hair and walked out of the room. I very quickly did as he told me to do and tried to prepare myself for what I was certain would be a horrible spanking.

 

His hand again entangled in my hair as he very roughly pulled my head back, "Open your mouth." I look and see he is holding a bar of soap a few inches from my face. Obviously the first reaction is to close your mouth and refuse. Not smart. "ALright, fine. This is going to be the hard way too. Suit yourself." I quickly submitted, "No Sir, Im sorry. I'll open it." He put that damn soap in my mouth and then immediately pulled his belt from his waist.

 

I *hate* soap and I *hate* the belt. I grabbed hold of the blankets and closed my eyes. "This is for your mouth, your sass, your cursing me.....lets see if we can change that attitude, shall we?" His voice dripping with sarcasm as he started to whip me.....good. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  Good lord this man can strap......amazingly effectively. Im dancing back and forth on my feet, trying not to move too much out of position, but trying desperately to avoid his swatting. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  "You know better young lady. How's that soap taste?" More sarcasm. The soap is disgusting and it burns.....I want to spit it out so bad but I know better right now. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK

 

He continues to lay into me with his belt. I swipe at tears as they start to spill over onto my cheeks but then again grab the blankets and squeeze tightly. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  "I deserve more respect than that from my wife. Would I ever talk to you like that??? Would I?" I shake my head no.....I know he wouldnt ever curse at me like that. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK   He lays the belt down beside my on the bed and walks to our closet. My heart is racing, my bottom on fire, my mouth sore and burning from this damn soap.

 

He walks back over to me, placing his hand on my lower back to remind me to stay in position. Damn it.....he is either going to paddle me or cane me.....damn it damn it. "This my love, is for lying to me. No matter how small or stupid you think it is, you never lie to me." CRACK  The first swat causes me to instinctively bite down.....right on that damn soap. YUCK. God I hate this paddle......I know immediately by the force, this is our largest paddle. A friend of ours, also a military man, made it for us when we married......sweet right? Ughhh. He even painted it red, white & blue with stars and wrote 'Old Glory' on it. Freaking men....ughhhh. It is a heavy paddle, maple I think, solid, no holes.....and my God does it hurt. CRACK CRACK CRACK  I stand up on my tip toes and again bite down.....YUCK! "You know better Lynn. You knew better and you did it anyway."  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  Rapid swats now on my sore bottom making me whimper audibly even through the soap. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  "You NEVER lie to me. Starting to get the message little girl?" CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  I nod my head yes over and over. Tears streaming down my face. His hand again on the small of my back, pushing me down and then he plants several very hard swats on my upper thighs, each one making me yelp. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK    "Corner NOW" His voice making me jump, I scurry off to the corner, thankful the paddling is over.

 

I stand there in the corner, tears still slowly trickling down my face, the soap still in my mouth, my bottom absolutely on fire. I can feel the skin tighten everytime I slightly shift from foot to foot.....wooden implements hurt like hell, and that awful burn only subsides into an equally unpleasant tightness. "Turn around and come here." I turn and slowly start to walk over to him, eyes locked on the floor in my approach. I stop just shy of him. He reaches his hand out and tucks it under my chin to raise my face to his. "Look at me when I speak to you Lynn." I glance up at him and try not to cry, I hate seeing that look on his face. "Have I made my point? Are you going to curse at me like that again? Lie to me again?" I shake my head no and mumble the word through the soap. "Open your mouth" he reaches up and takes the soap from me and sits it on the nightstand. "Thank you." He brushes a tear away from my eye with his thumb and then wraps his arms around me. I lay my head to his chest and sob for a minute or two, he rubs my back and then he says it, God why did he have to say it, "You're still mad at yourself....you havent let it go.....wasn't enough?" I squeeze him tighter and sob more, I want so badly to say Ive had enough but I cant, Id be lying. I hate being defiant to him.....and somehow when Im in a bad mood he is the first person Ill rebel against, even if it isnt even directed at him, I lash out and Im disrespectful and it is not ok. I have a really hard time forgiving myself for that. I look up at him hesitantly and whisper, "No Sir, it wasn't enough." Then I quickly turn away again.

 

He hugs me and then spins me back around and pushes me down over the bed and picks up his belt again. My body is shaking, Im so worked up. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  He starts to strap me again, just as intensely as he had originally. I sobbed into the blankets. He didnt lecture now, didnt need to and he knew it. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  "I love you and I know you didnt mean it baby." His voice calm, soothing. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  I cried hard, finally able to let it go.....maybe not quite forgive myself, but let it go because I knew he had forgiven me and I knew he knew I was truly sorry. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  Another couple dozen swats and he again dropped the belt.

 

I laid there dangling from the bed for a few minutes with him sitting next to me, running his fingers through my hair. I picked my head up and laid it on his lap and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Im sorry. I love you and Im so sorry. I would have rather spent the night with you than go out with Kristina. Im sorry." He wiped at my tears again and smiled at me, "I know babygirl. Come here." He pulled me up and sat me straddling his lap, my arms wrapped around his neck, his around my waist with one hand softly rubbing my bottom, and he kissed me......the man still gives me butterflies, kind of sick right...lol. And he kept his word......he made love to me......AFTER he whipped my bratty ass. :)  

This Sucks

04/09/2012

One Stupid Choice........

Okay, I screwed up. No I *really* screwed up. I did something stupid. No, ignorant.....*really* ignorant. What the hell is wrong with me? I know better and I knew better when I did it.....but did it stop me from doing it??? Nope, ofcourse not. Impulsive Natalie won out again and did what she damn well wanted to do without regard for the consequences. Once again allowing a poor mood to dictate my actions and end up getting myself in really big trouble.......this is probably as serious as it could get on the severity of trouble scale. Yep a definitely risky and down right ignorant choice.

Ughhh.....the consequences. I do not even want to think about the spanking this is going to get me. This is going to be a bad one. Worse? I don't want to see the look this little slip-up will put on my Disciplinarian's face. I wonder if he would let me wear a blindfold and ear plugs to my punishment session for this??? Yes that would work perfectly.....I wouldn't have to see or hear his disappointment. Ughhh.....not likely that this will happen.....actually I think I have a better chance of being struck by lightening.....like a dozen times. Disappointment......God I *hate* that word. But, I am a smart girl and I'm relatively certain what I did will garner that response from Professor. Well that (disappointment).....and worry, and concern, and anger. Yep, Im screwed.

I didnt even want to tell him. I couldn't find my voice to even call him to confess. I gave a vague apology through IM, when Professor asked what I did, I told him I couldnt tell him.....that didnt work out well, never does. I told him.....I always tell him, even though it scared me to have to tell him something I know will anger him. He is not happy with me.....not even close. I'd even venture to say he is beyond pissed off at me right now. I wish now I would have called him, even if I would have gotten a harsh lecture, I know hearing his voice *after* the lecture would help to ease my worry until we are together in person to address it. I hate to tell him dumb shit like this. Why? Well, because I know better. We have talked about this. I know how he felt, I know the rule he put in place regarding the matter and I knew it wouldn't be overlooked if I chose to break the rule. Somehow, I still did it. I am surprised at myself. I want nothing more than to please him but yet when in a pissy mood I allow myself to do something that I know is going to infuriate him???

In the process of this little mistake.....I have broken several more important things......very important......like 4 of the 5 D's in a D/s or DD relationship. Disobedience, Defiance, Dangerous, Dishonest, Disrespectful. Yep knocked off all but the dishonest with this one. Great job right? Ughhh. What the hell is wrong with me? I know better. It is not that I can not drink at all....well I may not be able to after this little stunt.....but I can't drink the one drink that I usually opt to have. It is dangerous because of the alcohol content and my heart meds (if you've read blog entries of sessions with me & my Marine, you'd see this is not a new issue).....and I know this. My Marine husband was probably more strict with me on this rule than on anything else....ever. And I knew if I pushed too much, my Professor would end up being the same way. But did that make me behave? Obviously not or this blog entry would not be necessary.

I can't do it.....it is truly dangerous.....like playing Russian roulette every time I do it. I've known it for quite a while and Professor told me to take it off of my list entirely of what I thought was acceptable. "Listen carefully Natalie Lynn, I promise you will not ever want me to have to repeat this to you. No more....not even one.....ever. Do you understand me young lady?" Yep.....he made it crystal clear.....but I refused to listen to that 'think twice' voice and I did it anyway. By choosing to order that one damn drink I deliberately disobeyed him. Because I thought about it before I did it & knew better but did it anyway, I was defiant. Deliberate disobedience and defiance is absolutely disrespectful. So there you go, 4 of the top 5. Ughhh.

 I felt exactly like this when I broke the speeding rule just days after he punished me for it. I've got the same thoughts filling my head now as I did then. Am I just used to doing it so I didnt realize I had until after? Did I just not care? Worse.....did I do it subconsciously to test him? To see what would happen if I deliberately defied him? To find out how firm he would stand his ground on this issue? Pretty dumb.....if that was the reasoning, subconsciously or not, it was beyond stupid. I know damn well what will happen and I am not looking forward to it. I don't want to have to face him for this. I am a mess right now.

I'm worried.....I'm scared.....I'm angry at myself for doing it.....I'm still completely shocked that I did it in the first place. And for what? Because it was good? Because I liked it? But was it good enough to be worth what it is going to end up costing me.....uh, NO....nowhere even close to being worth that. Temptation sucks......giving in to it is even worse. I hate feeling like this. I am so sorry that I did it.....not as sorry as I am sure I will be when I have to stand in front of Professor and answer for it. But pretty damn sorry already. I have to have more self discipline than this. I am strong enough to do what I know is right, what I know I should, what I know is best, what I know is expected of me.......and if none of those reasons are good enough, then I ought to be smart enough to do what I am told to do by Professor. He cares about me and wouldn't have me follow a rule that was pointless or wasn't fair. He is very fair.......very firm but very fair. I am so nervous about having to tell him I did this. I want to take it back, I want to hide under a rock, I want to do anything in the world but have to tell him that I did something I know will not please him. Not only not please him but it is going to piss him off.....alot. Make him worry about my physical safety, make him irritated that he will *again* have to repeat himself to me, anger him that I would be so disobedient about something so important. Ughhh. I want to cry.    

 :( This sucks.....and I hate it. Atleast this 'yucky' feeling of absolute dread should serve as a deterrent in the future right? Well this feeling and what I know I have coming for making this ignorant choice......yep, damn good deterrents. **Sighs** I'm just sorry.....and I want to fix it. I know this punishment is going to hurt.....alot.....as much physically as it will emotionally. I just want to pay for what I did, make it up to him, be forgiven so I can forgive myself.....and start again with a clean slate, being his good girl, making him happy. I absolutely hate when I put something like this between Professor and I......it drives me crazy because I can not let it go, I can not stop feeling guilty and stupid and like a complete failure as a submissive until I know he has forgiven me. Those feelings are only worse when I do something I know can and likely will be perceived as disrespect toward him as my Disciplinarian. I *never* want him to feel I have disrespected him. I respect him a great deal. He is absolutely amazing and I want only to please him. This stupid little choice has obviously helped me fall far short of pleasing him.....far short.

Professor.....I am so sorry. So incredibly sorry. I promise after this punishment I will *never* make you repeat this lesson to me.....ever. I told you I would never make you a promise that I could not keep.....I promise you this will be the last time Sir. I am so sorry. I didn't keep my guard up and honestly, I just plain didnt care.....but I care now. And not even so much because of the spanking I know you will give me for this.....I care because I know you're going to be disappointed, feel disrespected, be worried for your girl's safety, irritated about repeating yourself.....I care now because I never meant to put you through any of that. I'm sorry Professor......so very very sorry. I promise I'll accept whatever punishment you choose to administer and I wont whine about it. I just want to fix this.....I hate when I do something that can hurt us.....Im sorry, I was wrong and I am so sorry Sir. Please forgive me....I know I dont deserve it.....but I really need it. Im sorry.

Restraints

I suppose there are several different types of restraints that could be used within the confines of a DD or D/s relationship. Obviously the most common is self-restraint and relatively self explanatory. The other two forms of restraint, the being restrained by someone other than yourself, most likely your Top.....that's what I am exploring the topic of in the post.

Mental restraint......I actually almost depend on it, and always during a session. Read through some of my sessions, note I say things like "I know better" or "I'm not stupid".......the 'knowing better' is a form of the restraint this man has on me. Sort of unspoken rules between us.....by that I mean, Professor has never had to tell me "Dont you dare flip me off, or else".....I already know better. He is inside of my head......and not only in session or in person......even his voice by phone can put me into that subspace. My submission is his and his alone. I am emotionally vulnerable with him, small, timid even........I achieve great satisfaction from pleasing him.  His voice, his body language, his very presence........straight to subspace and the use of mental restraints has, thus far, always yielded the desired results. I've yet to deliberately defy him, refuse to stay in position, been blatantly disrespectful........his restraints thus far have been amazingly effective and I both love and hate it.

Physical restraints.......this is the topic I'm more actively analyzing at the moment. It is not something I have ever allowed. Funny right.......I am the submissive one in the relationship and say I have not 'allowed' it. My Marine did threaten to use them after being hit by a candle that had been thrown at him when I was refusing to comply and stay in position while being punished. The threat worked and I stopped. Topic closed. Well until now. Professor and I have briefly discussed the use of them the past week or so. On one hand, I am slightly intrigued......and it pulls at my inner submissive core. On the other hand......my rational and control-freak type A personality says 'no freaking way is that happening'. My control issues have caused many issues for me in life and actually still do quite often. I cant seem to trust other people and I will hold onto the control at all costs. Same topic.....two very different reactions. Both equally intense. Both spinning wildly inside of my head. Then I try to interpret the fear associated with my control-freak reaction to the subject.......what am I afraid of? Obviously my actual physical safety is nowhere on the radar.......I know I can completely trust this man. My fear......this by the way is not an emotion I have ever dealt with well.......this fear is rooted in my need for control. Makes very little sense to think if I am not blindfolded or physically restrained then I am in control of a session.....crazy right, I clearly am not. But perhaps it is an illusion I hold onto so I dont have to admit that it is okay to give up control. My submissive core loves that power exchange, is pleased to please by submission, loves reacting to my Top and making no decision in scene myself. But the rational me.....the over-analyzer.....the stubborn, always in control......independent girl.......she is standing firm on the 'no freaking way is that happening.' So we seem to be at a deadlock and ironically enough, this will take all of the control from me.......it will put me in a check-mate position and make me unable to make a decision either way. Which I suppose means the person who will make this decision of if and when we will utilize physical restraints, well that person will be my Professor. Actually somewhat reassuring and pointing out again that I really dont have much of a decision to make in the first place, my opinions are valued and solicited at times, but the final decision does not ultimately end up coming from me anyway.......and I think both the submissive me and the rational me really kind of like that. :)

Not Recommended

A few tips to share.......unfortunately for me, I have found out the outcome of these lapses in judgement first hand.......so being helpful here. When you are in trouble with your Dominant/Top.....Do NOT do the following:

• Hands on your hips, arms folded over your chest, or any other naturally defensive stance or posturing when you're being lectured.......apparently these dominant men find that unappealing :)
• Rolling your eyes.......oh and when they catch you doing it, telling them they are blind is not going to help you out any either.
• Plugging your ears mid-lecture........not smart
• Throwing your hands back to protect your bottom.......only going to get your thighs swatted
• Refusing to answer the phone when your Top is calling you
• Addition to above.....Hanging up on your Top is far worse than not answering at all.......and no matter how hard you try, blaming Verizon is not going to save your ass
• Flipping your Top off.......unless you do not value your middle finger or your bottom, in which case, have fun
• Throwing something at your Top.....or kicking something in his direction.....slamming a door in his face......yep, all likely going to result in the same less than enjoyable experience

Wrong Answer

10/12/2007

So I've been in a pretty bitchy mood for the majority of the week. No real reason.....no solitary instance I can point to as the cause.......nothing I can blame for it.......I just am. My husband, though not necessarily a patient man by nature, has done his best to ignore my sass and narrowly avoided every potential landmine I have laid out there. As with my current mood.......I have absolutely no clue why he is being so calm about this......this is *not* our normal.

Being the greedy girl I am, he gives me an inch and I take a mile.....or two. I'm snippy when I speak to him and anyone else for that matter. Flippant in my replies to questions I am asked. Sighing, rolling my eyes, stomping my foot, clicking my nails, flipping my hair, mumbling under my breath, slamming doors......you get the picture.

I've successfully made it through 3 days of this blatantly bitchy behavior without even one spanking. How? I do not know and I do not care.....I'm just lucky I guess. :)  But again, typical naughty Natalie had to keep on pushing. Couldn't be satisfied with fact that I've avoided atleast a dozen spankings in 3 days......I have to keep at it. Well you know, my mother did tell me to stick to what I was good at. Im not a quitter. :)

It is 11:30pm at night and we are laying in bed, lights out and I can not help myself. I start in again; this time about something that is just a insane subject for a late night chat anyway......my argument that he is unreasonable with his expectations for my driving. Understand this is an argument we have had many times before and it always ends the same way.....I mean I did have something like 74 tickets when he met me and I'd only been driving (legally anyway) for like 5 years. Yep it is an issue. Apparently, my recent streak of luck in avoiding any sort of discipline has gone straight to my head. Yep, Im a pretty brave girl right now.

"I'm an adult and I can drive how ever I damn well please. You can't order me around like one of your damn marines." He sighs, audibly, "We are not discussing this again Lynn. Good night." Ordinarily that would have shut me up......my middle name being said in 'that' tone of voice......highly effective. Not tonight. "It is stupid Jason. I haven't killed anyone. I'll drive how I choose to and you can go bark orders at work, not at me." The lights are out so I must have missed the look that may have forewarned me of my impending fate had I continued......yep missed that one. "I said enough and I meant it. Go to sleep. If you mention it again, you're not going to like the outcome." His voice firm but my confidence unwavering. "Oh gee will I get a prize."

His hand entangled in my hair, pulling my head back and whispering into my ear with his all business tone of voice, that again would typically have stopped me in my tracks, "Little girl if I hear one more smartass remark out of you, Im going to whip that attitude right out of you. Got it?" I am brave.....but Im not stupid.....well not yet anyway. "Yes Sir." I answer without one hint of sarcasm, pleased he lets me go and then I did it......I lost my mind. I flipped my hair back, hitting him in the face and said, "I'd rather be a smartass than a dumbass. Going to whip the attitude out of me huh, if you think you're big enough jarhead."  Yep, yep......lost my ever loving mind.

Challenging a dominant man in and of itself is a pretty stupid thing to do.......but challenging him after a 3 day streak of sass and disrespect when the man only wants to sleep and has thrown you every lifeline possible......incredibly stupid. He may be 6'1" and 240lbs but that man can move.......fast. Nano seconds later I am flipped over his knee and he is rapidly swatting my bottom. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK

"I said we were not discussing this Lynn." Of course he makes sure to emphasize each word with a sharp swat. "Okkk okkk.....then stop discussing it. Im not listening to it anyway."  He plants several harsh swats on the tops of my thighs as he speaks again, "Wrong answer little girl."  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  "Why are you being spanked Natalie Lynn?" My better judgement still has not returned, and I answer, "Because you're an asshole"  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  "Wrong answer Princess."  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK

"I've been more than patient Natalie, but enough is enough. I'm fed up with your attitude and your sass and your temper tantrums. You know what I think? I think you need an attitude adjustment." His voice almost begging me to be sassy. "Yeah and I think I don't care what you think so let me go." Sighing again and continuing his assault on my bottom, "Wrong answer."  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  "Somehow, even when you can see you're not going to win, you're upended over my knee and being spanked.....you're clearly not going to win, but you will refuse to lose. Why? Because you are stubborn.....damn stubborn Lynn."  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK

Perhaps he is right, but I am not about to admit it. "I'm not stubborn, you're a brute." Kicking my legs as quickly as he is peppering my bottom and thighs.  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK "Do you not see the irony in this? You're being stubborn about admitting you're stubborn even if it is going to get you spanked longer. Is that not ironic.......and stubborn???" Again, accentuating every word with a sharp swat to my sit spots. My bottom on fire and my good sense slowly starting to return. "Im sorryyyyy. Please stoppp. I'll be good."  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK "Nice try, close but no cigar angel. Still the wrong answer."  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK

"Ok ok okayyyy Im sorry for being stubborn." My breathing ragged and my body laying limp over his lap, no longer kicking and struggling to get away.  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  He places several more quick, hard swats and then stops and caresses my freshly spanked cheeks, "Good girl." Thankfully for me I am still face down across his lap and he can not see the eye roll I just gave him. :) Yep, stubborn to a fault.

Long Island Iced Tea & Heart Meds

01/23/2007

Finally.....thank God......my oldest brother is home from Iraq (again). This deployment has sucked......majorly. My oldest brother is my best friend in the world and we have always been very close. He is a career military man and actually introduced me to my husband, his best friend and battle buddy. This has worked great in the fact that I am always close to my brother, having my hubby & I stationed at the same installation. It has also made things tough at times.....two goodbye's, two men sent off to war at the same time, two worries every time CNN scrolls a service member's death across the bottom of the screen. Finally......6 months after my husband returned (injured but alive).....my big brother is home safely. :)

After doing the typical rounds of stopping in to see mom, our aunt, our grandmother......we drop his bags off at our house and all went out with our other brother and several close friends to a favorite bar of ours to celebrate. The night was so much fun.....well the first half. The boys were singing karaoke, we were all dancing, and of course drinking.......a lot of drinking.

At about 11:30pm the boys were again singing with one another....the whole group together again.....and my best girlfriend since like 5th grade, Kristina (my brother's girlfriend since high school) & I were sitting at the bar joking with one another and having another round of drinks. I, of course, had my fav.....Long Island Iced Tea. I started to feel a little 'off'.....couldn't put my finger on it and attributed it to my liquor dinner.....but excused myself to go to the bathroom and splash cool water on my face. Apparently I wasn't the only one who noticed I was 'off'......Kristina had as well, and my brother who was 30ft away was concerned by the way I walked to the bathroom, and protectively followed suit.

I can not tell you what happened next.....all I know is by the time my big brother and Kristina entered the restroom, literally a minute behind me, they found me on the floor. She ran for my husband and to call for help.....my brother scooped my limp body up into his arms and ran me outside. I awoke a day later in a hospital.....feeling like my chest had been pummeled with a jack hammer.....it hurt to even breath. I found out later, this uniquely torturous feeling was caused by my heart being restarted with a defibrillator.

My husband and my brothers did not leave my side for the 3 days I was in the cardiac unit of the hospital. The day I was strong enough to be discharged, my doctor came in to talk things over with me. He started with, "You are very lucky." and I knew he was serious. I am a nurse and had seen the print outs of my rhythm upon arrival to the ER.....I was beyond lucky. "Your girlfriend told us the drinks you had been having that night Natalie, and after googling it and reading that the drink had 8 shots of alcohol in each drink it was no wonder you slipped into an unsustainable rhythm and eventually a full arrest. The medication you are on will not work if you inundate your body with alcohol Natalie. You're a nurse, you know better." He scolded.

I am a nurse at this hospital and know much of the staff, so the formalities were not necessary. "Look Bill, I know....I am not ignorant. It wasn't a concern for me. I hadn't taken my medication." My husband and older brother both at the foot of my hospital bed, listening intently. "Natalie it does not matter. The medication is in your system, missing one pill does not give you the free and clear to drink that much alcohol." He continued his lecturing. I sighed and replied to him, "Bill I am not stupid. I haven't even taken my pills in almost a month. It wasn't in my system. So the alcohol mixing with my meds was not the issue." He looked almost shocked at me and took a moment before replying. "Why Natalie? I have only been your cardiologist for 4 years now but I know you've been on this medication for your entire life. I hadn't stopped prescribing it; why would you take yourself off of it? I know we make horrible patients being doctors and nurses, but Natalie you can not self-diagnose or self-treat. Why didn't you discuss this with me? Now this incident is making more sense to me. What happened is clear. Do you realize how close you came to killing yourself??? At 22, you damn near died." He shook his head at me in disbelief.

I spoke again, "I know Bill. I know. It was stupid. I'll stop treating myself. Thank you." He smiled and patted my hand. "I'll see you next week for a follow up Natalie. We will talk then. Go home. You're fine to resume your usual activities immediately if you'd like to but no excessive drinking. For your sake, please Natalie, moderation is key here." I smiled, "Thanks again Bill."

As he walked out, I somehow realized my mind had been absent to the presence of the two, now very angry, military men at the foot of my bed......glaring at me. I had been so ready to leave to this hospital until about 30 seconds ago......now I wanted to stay.....forever.....we at least have security here to protect me, though I'm not certain our security would be much match for these boys. I was screwed and I knew it. I tried to look as if I were reading my discharge papers, anything to avoid making eye contact with them.

"A month?" My brother's voice startling me. "Are you fucking kidding me??? A month?" He *never* swears at me, and very rarely even around me. I looked up at him, and the look on his face was a compatible match to the tone in his voice. "Not a whole month. More like 23 days but who is counting." My brother just glared at me. My husband had yet to say anything to me, but his turning to walk out of the room after that comment told me he was furious right now. I was so scared. They were pissed. And we were all leaving together for the drive home in a few short minutes.

The entire 20 minute drive home was quiet.....eerily quiet. Typically when the three of us are together, it is non-stop chatter and light-hearted conversation......but now......not one single word. Finally as we pulled in the driveway, my brother broke the silence. "Kristina and I are going to her dad's house for dinner and then planned to go shoot some pool, do you want to meet us out there?" I didn't have a chance to respond, my husband's reply immediately knotted my stomach. "No, have a good time. We will see you later tonight when you get back. Your sister and I need to have a talk." I knew exactly what that statement meant, and actually 'talking' was likely not going to be involved. I also knew my brother knew what that statement meant and judging by the look on his face, he was pleased.

I went right to our bedroom and lied on the bed while the boys chatted a few minutes on the porch and my husband let the pups out into the backyard. I heard a car door and knew my brother was now leaving and my husband would soon be joining me in our room. I buried my face in his pillow and waited.

I felt him sit down on the bed next to me and his strong hand rubbing my back, running his fingers through my hair, massaging my neck. "We need to talk." His voice firm but no where near the angry, infuriated tone I had expected. I sat up and crawled into his lap and rested my head to his chest as he started speaking again. "Do you have any idea what you mean to me? I was scared baby, for the first time in my life, truly scared. Our anniversary is just days away and I thought I was going to lose you Natalie. Do you have any idea how helpless I felt, seeing paramedics perform CPR on my wife, watching you lie in that bed with all those tubes and wires hooked up to you. That fear....the fear of losing you....was paralyzing. But what you said to Dr. Shelton ripped a whole in my heart. This did not have to happen and it was caused by you. Do you have any idea the pain that thought inflicted? To know not only could I have lost you, but that it was your decisions that would have taken you from me?" I squeezed him tightly and buried my face at the base of his neck and sobbed. "I'm so sorry. I know it was stupid. I just hate taking those pills and it has been years since I have had any problems at all so I thought I didn't need them anymore honey. I had no idea this would happen, Im sorry I scared you. I promise I'll take the medicine from now on. Im sorry."

He brushed the hair from in front of my face and tucked it behind my ears, then tucked his hand beneath my chin and raised my face to look into my eyes. "You know you need that medicine and you know you can not treat yourself. I know you are sorry. I know you will take the pills.....I promise you will take those pills if I had to poke them into you every morning. None of that concerns me now. What does is hearing you say you dont think you need them. You obviously are not understanding the gravity of this situation Lynn. What you think is nowhere near as important as what we know. We know you have to take them, we know you refused to and we know that refusal damn near killed you Natalie Lynn. And I know that I'm going to make sure you know how important this is to me. You are my world Natalie. I would kill anyone who ever tried to hurt you, and I will not allow you to hurt yourself. Clear?" His words aching my heart and the look on his face is unmistakable disappointment. I simply nod my head as he lifts me to my feet.

"I am going to give you three reasons that make what you did an extremely serious offense." He scolds as he lowers my panties and pulls me down across his waiting lap. "One.....you have always had to take this medication and you know you're very life depends on it." SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK His hand connecting with my bared bottom as he continues. "Two.....we have discussed this multiple times and I told you that you will take your medication as prescribed until the doctor, not you, the doctor decides different." SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK "Three......you promised me that you would." SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK "So this entire incident could have been prevented but you chose to be stubborn Natalie Lynn. You chose to disregard your doctor's advice, you chose to disobey me and you chose to break your promise to me. I wont accept defiance or disobedience out of my wife and I will never overlook her arrogance risking her life." SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  His hand falling again and again, hard, covering my bottom as I lay there suddenly realizing that above everything else, I broke a promise to my husband. That hurt far worse than any spanking he could administer.

He had to have read my mind at that moment and decided to challenge that theory. The swats stopped for a moment and he leaned and reached forward, opening the drawer to the night stand and retrieved my hairbrush. I instinctively tried to squirm my way free. I hate this brush and it ignites an inferno on my bottom with just a few dozen swats, and he never stops at a few dozen swats.

He wrapped his left leg over the back of both of mine so I was secured in a leg lock and could not escape. Then he took my wrist in his left hand and pinned it to the small of my back as his right arm began its assault with that brush on my bottom. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK. The fell fast and they fell hard.....very very hard. "Im sorrryyyy." I squealed and struggled to break free, though I knew it was a futile fight. He is much bigger than I am and far stronger. "I know you're sorry.....but I know you will be even more sorry by the time I am finished with you little girl."  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK

I finally lay limp across his lap as he continued to paddle my bottom with that awful brush. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  Then, just as I thought I had no fight left in me, he turned his attention to my upper thighs. The pain was unreal. He tightened his grip on my wrist and swung that brush again and again making me cry out every time it connected. It hurt so bad and I again, struggled to break free and dodge the swats covering my thighs. After concentrating a few solid minutes on my thighs, he stopped and placed the brush back into the drawer and lifted me to my feet. "Corner" I looked up at him through my puffy eyes, hoping he would take me in his arms and hold me, I got my answer quickly in the form of a few rapid swats to my right thigh and a commanding, "NOW LYNN." I rushed over to the corner, his refusal of a hug starting my tears streaming down my cheeks again as I stood pressing my nose to the wall.

"Come here." I turned and dragged my feet, slowly making my way across the room to him. His towering frame beside our bed, arms crossed over his chest, eyes narrowing at me in my slow approach. I stopped just a foot short of him and stood staring at the floor, my hands clasped in front of me. "Up, hands underneath of you." I crawled up onto the bed and draped myself over the pillows, propping my bottom up and tucking my hands beneath me as I turn my head to face away from him so I dont see it coming. I can not however escape the sounds and my body tightens as I hear him unbuckling his belt and pulling it free from his waist. "You have not ever escaped a belt whipping for disobeying me, you aren't about to start now." His voice steely, resolved, all business.

I closed my eyes as the first swat landed across my bottom. SWAT He is very methodical in the way he straps me. Each stinging swat with purpose, with force. Landing one right after the next in quick succession. SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT  I cried into the blankets as he continued to whip every inch of my bottom and thighs with his belt. Each swat seemed to fall harder than the last. He has never spanked me angry, and I knew by the tone in his voice that he was not angry now, but he was scared.....very scared and equally determined to teach me a lesson. The swats continued to rain down several more minutes before he finally dropped the belt onto the floor and pulled me up from the bed.

"Look at me" his voice still firm. I slowly tilted my head upward to meet his gaze, as I fought the urge to reach back and rub the sting out of my bottom. "23 days?" his jaw clenched as he asked. I swallowed hard, "yes Sir." I whispered. "I gave you three reasons you should have taken that pill every one of those days but you chose not to. You have missed a day or two before and I have punished you for it. You have been paddled, I have whipped your bottom with my belt, you have been caned.......each time you have assured me it will be the last time we will have to address it. Now 23 days??? You need to say nothing Natalie Lynn, I will make the promise this time.....this *will* be the last time we ever have to discuss this issue and that my love is a promise I will keep." His eyes narrowed as he finished speaking and then turned away from me and walked to our closet.

I stood still, frozen still and watched him hesitantly as he returned from the closet carrying the implement I hate the most, the double looped strap. My eyes immediately shot to the floor, I didn't want to see it. I knew he was serious.....beyond serious. This implement is typically used for only a small handful of offenses.....only serious offenses......for a more severe session.....when he thinks I've listened to nothing else, he will use this implement. And this man never does anything half-heartedly.....ever.

"Position" he barked. I tried to calm my breathing as I moved into position. My face in my hands, feet shoulder width apart, bent over the side of our bed, bottom pushed out. My heart sunk at his next direction, "I gave you three reasons you should have taken that medicine each of the 23 you chose not to Lynn. 3 times 23 is 69. I am going to give you 69 with this loop and if you move out of position or reach back even once, we will start again at 1. I dont care if we are at 65.....show me the slightest hint of defiance and we will begin again. Do you understand me?" My mind is swimming in panic, my bottom already on fire, my heart heavy with regret. "Yes Sir." I mumbled and again bury my face in my hands. "I know you're scared, and you should be. These will not be light swats. This is serious Natalie Lynn, as serious as it gets. I love you more than life itself and I will not allow you to hurt my wife. Clear?" I swiped a tear away from my eye as I looked back at him briefly, making eye contact, hoping he could see the genuine remorse on my face as I answered him, "Yes Sir." His eyes softening briefly in acceptance of my submission and then just as quickly, returned to that steely, grim, determined stare.

WHACK That first stroke bit into my upper thigh and the burn was instantaneous. This implement is horribly effective but remarkably quiet. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  He did not scold me as he whipped me, he didn't have to, I was replaying his words over and over in my own head while trying desperately to remain still. The force he put behind each stroke took my breath away. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  As much as I hated this implement, I knew he hated to have to punish me like this. He would much rather spank me to spank me, just because it is something we enjoy, the intimacy of a domestic discipline relationship compares to nothing I ever experienced in a vanilla romance. When I gave him reason....and this was more than a damn good reason.....to truly punish me, he may not like to do it but he would not shy away from the task. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  He could and would deliver an extremely effective punishment spanking to teach me a lesson when my actions put him in that position. And he would not stop until he was certain that I 'got it.' My bottom was on fire, I could feel the angry welts raising after each stroke from this damn loop. My fists were tangled in the blankets, gripping them with so much force my knuckles were white. Each stroke brought a yelp out of me but I stayed still, despite my urge to flee.

WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  The burn was intensifying and he continued to apply the swats leaving barely a second between them, giving me no time to prepare for the next, determined to get his point across. I couldn't contain my cries as he applied the last of my whipping with substantially more force behind each swat and concentrating them on my sit spots and upper thighs. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK

Only after I heard the loop hit the floor did my knees give out. I lay dangling off the side of our bed, crying into the blankets. He lifted me up and pulled me over his lap and firmly swatted my aching bottom with his hand for a few minutes while I cried it out. Then gently massaged lotion into the angry skin with his right hand while his left rubbed my back. I lay there, completely exhausted, emotionally spent, and physically drained. He lifted me up and laid back on our bed, pulling me onto his chest and kissing my forehead as he stroked my hair and his touch quieted my sobs. He said nothing, and neither did I. We didnt need to.......we were completely in sync in thought and raw emotion. We just laid there, holding each other, loving each other.......thankful we still had each other and intent on keeping it that way for a very long time.


**That punishment was probably one of the most effective, and likely as much because of the emotional seriousness as the physical severity. And my Marine did keep his promise, and I mine. My heart meds were not the topic of even one more punishment session for the two of us.  :)  **

Learning to Trust

I am not a trusting girl by nature. I take nothing at face value. I scrutinize everything.....break it all down.....over-interpret......over-analyze. I have to always think things through, dissect it and find out all of the "why" and "how" and "what for" questions that flood my mind. I have to have answers......lots and lots of answers.

Maybe I am defective. My over-analyzing drives me insane more often than it gives me peace of mind. I learned and mastered these skills pretty young in my life. I stopped trusting after time and again people let me down, people lied to me, people hurt me. I got tired of it and decided I would take the ability to hurt away from other people. If I trust no one, then no one can hurt me. If I depend on no one then no one can let me down. I have had the occasional exception and allowed someone to come into my life......but very rarely. My not trusting anyone or anything can overwhelm me at times when I feel I am the only one on which I can depend......I push others away. I don't ask anyone for help.....ever. I take care of myself and those important to me.

I am also, along with everything else, a control freak. If I am ever not in control.....I am lost. I don't depend on others and I don't react to others as often as I aim to have them react to me. I am happiest and feel most secure when I make the decisions, I plot the course and I determine the outcome. This has worked rather well for me in life, especially the last couple years......and I really had no intent on changing it when I found someone who would end up helping me to start to change it all.

Then came February and an amazing chance meeting spurred by nothing more than luck. Now, somehow, things are changing. I am by no means opening up to everyone.....I am no closer to asking for or accepting help than I was 6 months ago.....I am still pretty tightly locked up emotionally.....but it is all very slowly changing.

How???  I don't know.

Why??? I'm not certain.

What for??? I can't yet answer that.

Amazingly.....I am okay with the not knowing in this. Perhaps what I feel is more important than what I know at the moment. I took a chance and it has paid off. I opened up a little bit.....like a scared woman huddled behind a door with the chain lock engaged but slightly cracking the door to peer outside.....and the light that came in filled that dark room.

I was able to trust......only a very little at first......but it has only grown since I went out on that limb. I am learning that it *is* okay to trust. That not everyone is going to hurt me. There may just be a few good people in this world......and I have found one of them. Looking back over just the last 60 days, I am still almost bewildered by it really. I seemed to have been teetering on a ledge at that moment......lost in my own self-destructive behavior.....honestly not caring what the outcome.....maybe, in some ways, crying for help. Pushing the envelope every time. Crossing every boundary I saw. Testing and then testing again. In most outward ways, I seemed like I had it all together. Intelligent, independent, professionally successful, driven, happy. But inside? Total opposite.....completely out of control.

Standing there on that ledge.....teetering.....trying to balance......and then it happened......I fell. Catching myself on the very edge......barely holding on with one hand while hesitantly reaching out with the other. Someone took that outstretched hand. Someone saw me hanging there......and he stretched his strong hand out to mine and took hold to pull me up. And these last couple months he has been slowly, patiently walking me back from that ledge. Two steps forward, one step back. But he is always there beside me. Always watching as I stumble and then reaching out to steady me again. Always showing me that it was not just okay for me to trust him, it was a very good decision.

I have tested and tested again......pushed and then pushed some more.......he has not wavered. When I have questions, he answers them. When I need to talk, he listens. When I push, he pushes back. When I cross a line, he does not have to pull me back.....he only, now, has to call me back......and I return to him. He points me in the right direction and is always there when I need him. I can't believe I just said that.....I *need* someone else. I *can* trust someone else. He is teaching me something new all the time. He shows me everyday that it is okay for me to put my trust in him.....place my hand in his.....and he wont let me down.

Showing me that it takes strength to be able to trust other people and to trust my reactions to those people. Showing me that by locking myself up and hoarding that control, I was in control of nothing. My anger, my bitterness, my negativity only opened me up to be hurt. I allowed others to control me and my emotions because I was never truly in control myself.

Firmly, patiently teaching me all over again what true strength and control is. Opening my eyes for the first time in years to see everything I had been missing by not ever trusting. I have to give up that control in order to re-learn how to take the control back in my own life. It has been slow progress and much of it difficult.....very very difficult. He is always there with a "things worth having are worth working for" and "more difficult only means you have to work harder at it, clear?".

I don't know how he does it. I don't know why he does it. I don't know all of those answers that I've always seemed to depend on but *we* are slowly going to find out those answers together. And what I do know is far more important than what I do not yet know. I *do* know he is real & he cares.....I *do* know I can trust him and I am so glad I took that chance......I *do* know the destination will be worth the journey......and I *do* know that this man in absolutely amazing and I am a very lucky girl. Extremely lucky girl and equally appreciative.

I *can* trust again.

Prioritizing & Protecting

So things have been beyond hectic the last few weeks. Im not ever overwhelmed easily and can typically juggle several things at once but things have been flying at super sonic speeds these last few weeks and I've gotten distracted by it all and somehow took focus off of something important. Something really important. Vitally important in this relationship.....the mutual agreement between Professor & I to be open and honest, at all times, about all things. Yep.....pretty darn important.

Now I wasn't trying to be dishonest. I wasn't being a brat and hoping to use the chaos as a veil for me to be naughty and go undetected. I actually thought I was helping. I know Professor is as busy, if not more so, than I am. Yep.....aside from being committed spankos.....we seem to be committed workaholics. :) Things have been especially busy for him the last few weeks because he has an important, time consuming, monstrously  demanding project at work. Coincidentally aligning perfectly with the sudden chaos in my life. 

I'm a naturally possessive girl and protective of what I have decided is *mine*. Professor IS mine. So trying to be the helpful girl I can pretend to be :) for the right man, I decided I would shield Professor from the chaos in my life. I decided to answer 'fine' when he asked how I was doing. Then when he asked if I was 'really' okay or fine.....I said 'yes'. Worse, perhaps than those small stretches of the truth, were the extent of the issues I was dealing with that I had chose not to fill him in on. I did plan to tell him eventually.....was hoping to use his, right time and right place lecture to defend my actions. I had just planned to tell him *after* his project is due and *after* things calmed down and returned to 'normal'. I called this 'protectively prioritizing'. 

Obviously this worked for a very limited time. I did okay with deflecting and selectively forgetting what I would and wouldn't mention to him for a few days......and was actually pretty proud of myself, I might add. I wasn't monopolizing his time, he was getting some work done, and I was busy conquering one calamity after the next.....all while successfully, or so it seemed, keeping my Mentor out of the loop. Yep, good job with this little balancing act right? Not exactly.

Enter Wednesday......HUGE issue.....also known as, MY BREAKING POINT. Nothing will ever compare to the stress and anxiety of your child being in danger.....nothing. I intentionally dodged answering Professor's calls that afternoon because I knew if I heard his voice....that deep, steady voice.....I'd lose it.....and then run the risk of mentioning one of several things I'd been working so hard to keep from him.....so sent him to voicemail and focused on my son until he was out of the woods. 

Relaxing, or trying to, that evening and a Yahoo Messenger window popped up.....guess who? Yep, he found me and apparently during my absence of the last several hours, my younger sister had filled him in on the current issues.......several of which I had intentionally not mentioned to him. He is amazing and took the first 20 minutes or so to check on my son, check on my emotional state and calm me down......yep, pretty freaking amazing. Then he mentioned the things he had been made aware of. 

At first I was pissed at her, but then really thought of my reasoning for anger and it was pretty darn flimsy. She hadn't done anything wrong.....I hadn't told her *not* to tell him.....she had only done what she thought would be helpful.....and she had been honest. I hadn't been honest.....at all. I explained to Professor that I wasn't trying to really hide anything from him, that I would have eventually told him, that I was trying to be helpful because I wanted him to be able to devote his time and energy to his work so he wouldn't be stressed or overwhelmed. He mentioned 'Rule #1' and suddenly the realization of what I had done fell on me like a ton of bricks. I had convinced myself I was right, I was being helpful, I was being selfless, I was taking care of *my* Dominant and doing it for his own good.......I was wrong. I had been somehow oblivious to the fact that my protecting by prioritizing and deciding what to tell him was chipping away at the foundation of what we are in the first place. Our base is honesty......our relationship formed from and upheld by trust.....a trust brought about from unedited honesty. Even though my intention was good.....my method was wrong. If I thought I could hide things from him, whatever the reason, on occasion then what would stop it in the future? If I could withhold important details and circumstances to protect him then where would I draw the line in my 'protecting'? What damage would be done if he was only given partial information to go on? How could he help me if he didn't know what the issues were in the first place?

Obviously, with everything happening at the moment, it couldn't be addressed immediately......aside from a lecture on the importance of Rule #1 and a discussion that brought about a new understanding of what I had really been doing by hiding things.....for altruistic reasons or not. I had to add this to my Punishment List for a discussion at a later date......just to make sure I really take this lesson to heart. I promise I have already and after our future discussion will just have one more reason not to do it again. And for now, we are back to 'normal'......I am working very hard not to do anything that will require his focus so he can get his work done, but I'm keeping him informed on all of the things he needs to know, without selective editing. I am much happier when this is our 'normal'......it is actually *really* nice and extremely freeing to have one person you can talk to about anything, someone who knows everything, someone you trust, someone who knows the real me and someone I can share with and not have to ever edit content for. Lesson learned. 

This One Is Going To Get Me Spanked! LOL!

Okay, in an especially naughty mood right now so going to write this little post, laugh at my wit, go to work and forget I authored this & then probably try very hard not to laugh when I'm asked about this post by my Professor in the next few days. :) 


Do all of you have a Dominant or Top that likes to lecture? I was 'lucky' enough to find this amazingly annoying trait in both of my Disciplinarians. My Professor, however, has got this mastered into some sort of art form. Suppose I need it at times and others I just tolerate it because I know better. You know how mid-lecture they make some ridiculous statement or ask some rhetorical question that makes it really difficult to control your sass & laughter?? Yeah, mine does this......a lot. So this post is going to be a list of those things said and/or asked by  my Disciplinarian at some point......then I'll tell you what I *wanted* to say.....and finally what I ended up saying because though I may be stubborn & witty, I'm not stupid enough to attempt these cute little remarks when the distance between my Disciplinarian and my bottom is less than 3 feet and closing quickly. :) 

Professor: "Tell me why you are being punished Natalie Lynn?"
What I *wanted* to say: "Well good freaking Lord, if you don't even remember, then how can you honestly expect me to remember? I mean the list of 'naughty' is pretty lengthy Professor :) Of course then again, it could be any number of non-naughty reasons.....are you bored Professor? Nothing on tv? Having a bad day? Just want to spank an angel?" :)
What I actually say: "My attitude Sir." (I keep it short & sweet and always have a 9 out of 10 chance of getting it right if this is my answer.....the attitude constantly needs 'adjusted' *sighs* )

Professor: "How many times do I have to tell you.......?"
What I *wanted* to say: "Ummm how about never? Yes, never works for me. I'd rather not hear that lecture like ever." :)
What I actually say: "I'm sorry Sir" (and that isn't typically a sarcastic apology......I genuinely *am* sorry......as much as I'm sorry because my bottom is going to be soundly spanked, I am equally as sorry for making him have to repeat himself, it irritates him.....a lot)

Professor: "What could you have done instead?"
What I *wanted* to say: "Holy hell Professor, I don't know. You tell me......you're the rocket scientist." :)
What I actually say: "Anything other than what I did Sir?" *fingers crossed this answer is acceptable*

Professor: "Are you serious? Tell me you're joking."
What I *wanted* to say: "Yep yep, totally joking. Had nothing cute or witty to say so decided I'd confess to some driving calamity. Can I *not* be spanked now since I told you I was joking?" :)
What I actually say: "No Sir, not joking. I'm sorry."

Professor: "Haven't we discussed this before Natalie Lynn?"
What I *wanted* to say: "Hmmm.....define the word 'discuss' Professor. I'm not certain Webster's defines that word as 'spanking the living daylights out of'' but who knows, maybe I'm wrong.....I guess there is usually dialogue involved, but you Sir need a lesson in anatomy.......the EARS are for hearing a discussion.....not the bottom."  :)
What I actually say: "Yes Sir, we have discussed this before."  (And usually multiple times.....geesh, you'd think an educated girl would learn quickly.....damn stubborness.)

Professor: "What did you just say?"
What I *wanted* to say: "If you didn't hear it, I'm sure as hell not going to be stupid enough to repeat it. Do you think I am that stupid? Perhaps next session I'll wear my glasses instead of my contacts.....that'll make me look much more intelligent."
What I actually say: (repeat what I've previously said and then apologize quickly and hope it helps.......it *never* helps)

Professor: "Why did you do that?"
What I *wanted* to say: "Who me? Moi? Your innocent red-headed angel?" :)
What I actually say: "Because I am impulsive Sir & didn't think it through."


So you see......if a stubborn, witty, loud-mouthed, naughty Irish imp can bite her tongue.....there is hope for the rest of you lovely ladies too. :)  


Honestly.......though much of this post is humorous, I honestly respect this man far too much to say these things to him. His approval is extremely important to me and I'm not certain there is anything I would *not* do to please him, make him proud of me, or win his approval & admiration.........so as funny as these comments are, this is likely the only time and place they'd ever appear. 

Q&A's and Useless Information

Indulging my reader's curiosities in this post......aren't I sweet? :) Answers below to some frequently asked questions and some added useless information. Enjoy!

 

• Natalie is not my first name, Lynn IS my middle name. I am very careful to protect my & my partner's identity online. We are both professionals and work closely with the public, one in education & the other in medicine so discretion is important. My real first name is rather unique and using it in my posts would immediately 'give us away.'
• I am not an emotional girl by nature. Dont often whine to get my way, would much rather fight to get it.....with the exception of being grounded & forced to drive the speed limit, that *will* make me whine....ALOT....which will end up getting my bottom spanked.....ALOT. **Sighs**
• Expanding on the previous statement....I have/will rarely cry from the physical pain of a spanking.....punishment spankings are supposed to hurt and they do....ALOT. But I've always had a high tolerance to pain and Im stubborn to a fault so the spanking will rarely be the cause of my tears. *If* I cry at all, it will be from the raw emotion....the knowledge that I have disappointed my Disciplinarian. Those things have before and can again bring me to tears long before I am ever touched. 
• Expanding on the physical pain....there are only 2 implements (that I have found so far) that are intense enough, if applied correctly, to bring me to tears. My Professor has found one of them....unfortunately....the double-looped strap I have. The 2nd? Sorry guys.....Professor reads this blog and informed me yesterday that he has found 'ammunition' to use later on.....so I am not naming the 2nd implement because he has yet to discover it, and Im planning to keep it that way. See? Very smart naughty imp. :) 
• I am deathly afraid of spiders....like petrified....paralyzing fear. Aside from those 8-legged bastards......not a thing in the world scares me......well other than the day leading up to a serious punishment session.
• Professor has utilized other forms of punishment to correct me at times. Writing lines, essays, grounding, phone restrictions, mouth-soaping, etc. The couple hour distance between the two of us has obviously not decreased his ability to provide me an immediate consequence. 
• I love animals.....all animals.....but have an especially sweet spot for wiener dogs (dachshunds) :) I have my own little herd of them at home. I cant wait to see the look on Professor's face the first time he spanks me around my dogs.....lol.....will definitely follw this one up with an update.....hell, might even record it :)
• Both Professor & I have children......thankfully he is always available to give me advice so I know I wont screw my son up too badly....lol. 
• I 'lol' about that last half joke.....it is actually a HUGE help to me to have a 'normal' person with similar values and parenting techniques to my own to give me advice, ask questions, etc. I do not have my parents anymore and I also no longer have my son's father (the Marine) to help me out.....so I am really kind of 'winging it' and praying I can teach this kid everything he needs to know & raise a happy & successful human being here. Thank you Professor :)
• On my playlists you'd find an eclectic mix.....everything from piano pieces I have composed & play myself --- Bon Jovi --- Chicago --- Toby Keith --- Alanis Morissette --- Dido --- Firehouse --- Default --- Celine Dion --- Shinedown --- ICP --- Gaga --- Foreigner ---on and on and on :)
• 2-Letter Phrases that will make my heart jump every single time: "Natalie Lynn" ; "Little Girl" ; "Excuse Me???" ; "Young Lady" ; "Got It???"
• You'll notice in several of my stories from past sessions that I have a really hard time maintaining direct eye contact when I am being punished. I'll stare anyone down all freaking day and it wont phase me the least bit.....but when Im being punished, when I am in trouble, when I have to face the man I belong to and answer for doing something I know is less than pleasing to him.....I want to look anywhere but in his eyes. I *hate* to disappoint him. I'd only heard that word a handful of times out of my Marine.....and have only heard it once from my Professor.....it broke my heart.....I cried, alot. I can deal with my Disciplinarian being upset with me, angry, pissed off, irritated, frustrated, agitated, furious, enraged, livid even......but disappointed? I will *never* be ok with that. 
• I do not and will not call my Professor by his name....ever. I just cant do it.....far too casual for me. 
• I am annoyed by ignorance, weak men, traffic laws :)
• I am enraged by people who harm animals or children, Westboro Baptist Church and their anti-America hate-filled messages 
• I actually have a relatively dominant, type A personality......it takes a very unique make-up to create a man who's dominance can challenge mine......and my 'must have' list for a partner in this interest is a mile long......my Irish lineage made me lucky enough to have found 1 and after no longer having him, I was somehow blessed to find a 2nd man that could & would stand up to me and who's overwhelmingly dominant personality made me *want* to submit to him. Yep, a lucky girl.
• Die-hard New England Patriots fan :) F%CK OFF NY GIANTS
• I have far more male friends than female friends.....really dont have much tolerance for the gossipy, catty, over-dramatic nonsense
• Hobbies-----hiking, travel, cooking, shopping, Pats & Bruins games
• I could *not* live without: smart phone & eyeliner
• Favorite drink? Long Island Iced Tea (but Im not allowed to drink them anymore :( )
• Color------blue
• Lucky numbers-----7, 13, 23, 28, 31.....obviously they werent lucky enough to be drawn for Friday's jackpot.....lol
• I collect designer handbags, rare coins, speeding tickets & wiener dogs :)
• Favorite vaca spot-------Alaska
• Love the outdoors
• Have not and will not ever eat seafood....yuck!!!

Okee dokee.......there you go.......a post of useless information! :)

What *is* 'Overwhelming Dominance'?

04/03/2012

Okay, so I have used the term 'overwhelming dominance' often when describing my Professor; now having been asked by readers what exactly it is, I'm going to elaborate.....or try to define this label anyway.

What do I mean by overwhelming dominance?? Hmmm....well I suppose I'll start by telling you what I *do not* mean first. I have never labeled a man dominant because he is an overbearing jerk. I think men who act selfishly and use their personality, strength, or size to just get their own way are attempting (poorly I might add) to appear dominant.......those men typically come across as exactly what they truly are......inconsiderate bullying pricks. That is *NOT* dominance.

So what *IS* overwhelming dominance? Or what is it in the sense that I term it as an attribute my Professor possesses? He is not an inconsiderate prick or an asshole......there is no doubt in my mind that he could be either of those things in the right circumstances......and I work very hard to not ever orchestrate those circumstances......personally, Id rather not see that side of him......like ever. Dominance is often a trait one possesses, not acquires. Kind of like being a Spanko......just sort of in the DNA. Dominance is definitely in this mans DNA.

He is sincere, he is genuine, he is kind. A man of sound principles & morals. A strong ethical footing. A confident man in all I've seen, whether in the way he walks, speaks, interacts with others.....confident. Open, honest, caring. There is nothing I think I wouldn't be able to discuss with him......as long as I did so respectfully. Professor has a very commanding presence about him and I love it. Overwhelming dominance is not something I believe he has ever had to work at being.....he just *IS*.

I can, and often do, get advice from him about many things in life and the best part? I know I can trust it. I dont ever have to wonder what his motive is; that has been evident from the first time I spoke with him.....he cares and he wants to help. He is intellectual and honestly, my own prejudiced opinion, a genius. He thinks things through completely. He looks at several options instead of a single narrow-minded view. And when he honestly doesnt know the answer.....he says so & admits that. He offers me multiple courses of action and lets me make my own decisions. When I make the 'right' decision and it all works out, he is there with a 'good girl' and a smile & tone of voice that tells me I have pleased him. When I make the 'wrong' decision and it all falls to hell, he is there with advice, constructive criticism, reassurance and, when warranted, consequences and a "you know better young lady."

 He is reasonable and realistic in the expectations he sets. Dont let that fool you into thinking he is a push-over or I could get away with things with him......that could not be further from the truth. He is very strict, demanding and forceful when he needs to be. But he is intelligent enough to know the differences in what I need. Sometimes just a harsh bark of "Natalie Lynn" is what I need, other times it is deeper and I *need* to talk it out, even if I dont necessarily *want* to. He understand me and he often knows what I need when I have no idea and certainly can't put a voice to those needs.....he knows. Very intuitive.

He is firm, unwavering, resolved. He holds me to high standards and will not ever accept less than my best. He is not judgmental but he is critical of certain choices. He has never punished me without a damn good reason and he has never punished me without first, throughout the session & afterward reminding me of why I am being punished and insisting I contemplate steps to take to improve in the area in question. He is consistent, very very consistent. If I would be in trouble for speeding on Tuesday and get a spanking, I will be in trouble for speeding on Saturday and get a spanking. I never have to guess whether or not he will punish me for certain behaviors. We don't necessarily have a mile long list of rules and consequences either......we don't need that. I know what he expects of me and I know what will happen if I fall short of those expectations. He is not only in control of much of my behavior, moods, actions but also equally, or perhaps more so, in control of his own. His mood has no impact on the way he treats me. If he is upset or stressed about work pressures, family dilemmas, etc......he does not take that out on me by being more harsh. Consistent to a fault.......and, as with much else, that is exactly what I need.

He is not a game player and thankfully for his sanity and the well-being of my bottom, neither am I. We dont enjoy the guessing games, the intentional bratting for attention, the power struggles that seem a large part of some DD relationships. We focus on real issues, real behaviors and real improvement.

He is REAL. I have met and spoken with many men over the years who consider themselves Dominant, or a Top within a DD relationship but many of them fall far short of being good at either. They are fake. They are in this for an ulterior purpose. Their 'dominance' is carefully crafted and utilized to get what they want, when they want it, without regard for their partners. I have said for a long time that I can pick out a *truly* dominant man a mile away. Everything from the personality, the way he holds himself, the manner in which he speaks, walks, thinks.......it is a very specific make-up and being a born Spanko, I can spot them immediately. My Professor is REAL.

Selfless and patient. Kind of contradictory to the definition most people imagine when they think of Dominance, right? This couldn't be further from the truth. This man cares about me. He wants to help me. His genuine care and emotion provokes him to want to protect, want to teach, want to love, want to correct, want to help improve *HIS* girl. I am incredibly humbled by the fact that he chose for me to be *HIS* girl. I am a tough egg to crack.......analyze everything, over-interpret, defy authority, rebel against any and every rule/law I see, ignore warnings, tempt fate, refuse to comply, refuse to conform......I am a naughty, out-spoken, at times disrespectful brat that lives outside the box and doesn't open up any easier than a Brink's Safe. :) Professor was patient, caring, honest, sincere, unrelentingly supportive and he actually, rather quickly, broke into that highly-guarded safe that no other person was able to get into so quickly, or seemingly easily. (Yes, I do really mean NO other person, not even the Marine)

 And honestly......I wish I had found him years ago. My life, though at times is chaotic (especially recently) seems incredibly well-balanced now. I wake up everyday knowing that I *do* matter to someone. I *do* belong to someone. I am going to be held accountable to someone. That 'someone' is my Professor. He is always there, always consistent, always firm, always watchful, always demanding, always caring, always genuine, always sincerely supportive.......he is the perfectly strict, overwhelmingly dominant man that I've needed and finally found. A little time, alot of effort & a pinch of luck.......I *am* His and I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

Please Not Here! (My 1st Public Spanking)

11/02/2006

"I like it." he says after giving me the once over. Sighing audibly as I stomp back into the dressing room and slam the door shut behind me. "Like is not what I was going for dear." I unzip the gown and step out of it as he tries to reassure me through the door. "Baby, Im a man....not one of your girlfriends. When I say I like it, I like it. That is a good thing." Im irritated and snap back at him in a whiny tone, "No Jason....if a man says he likes something then he thinks it is ok. The tramps you screw when you're 20 are girls you liked....but they arent the girl you're taking home to mom and planning to marry.....right?" I open the door and look up at him, he has the most confused look on his face as he again tries to talk me down. "Huh? This is a gown for the Marine Corps ball baby, not a future spouse. How can you compare the two? Wait dont answer, I know how, youre a woman. Listen baby, men arent that complicated, if I like it then I like it."

I roll my eyes and walk off to continue my search. "Im not stopping until we find one you love." I snap. He walks along side me as I search several more racks of gowns. I turn but dont see the employee; a bit annoyed I actually snapped my fingers and shouted, "Hey lady, need some help over here." SWAT His large hand connects with my jean clad bottom and I spin around to glare at him with that 'dont you even think about it' stare. His eyes narrow slightly at my glare, he obviously sees this as a challenge.

The employee rounds the corner, "Yes ma'am, what can I help you with?" I practically throw the four gowns into her arms and say, "Id like each of these in a size 10." She smiles and says, "I'll put them in your fitting room ma'am." His hand is on the small of my back and he leans down to whisper into my ear, "You better lose your attitude little girl or I will spank your snotty little ass in this store instead of waiting until we get home. Clear?" I roll my eyes at him and swipe back, "Sir yes Sir, crystal freaking clear Sir." He runs his hand from my lower back to my bottom and pats it as he speaks again, "That wasnt disrespect now was it Lynn?" Uh-oh.....my middle name.....not good. I turn and wrap my arms around his waist and squeeze him in a tight hug, placing my head to his chest and pouting up at him. "I just want to find the perfect dress honey and you dont like any of them."

He smiles down at me and then kisses my forehead, "Baby I have liked most of them. Youre asking me to ascribe the emotion of love to a piece of clothing. Personally Im not concerned with what you wear to the ball, youll look great regardless and youll look even better when you're wearing nothing but my white cover (hat) and a smile after the ball." I smile up at him and silently praise myself for pouting my way out of this one. :)

Back in the dressing room again sliding into the next gown and walking out to spin for him. Apparently the Marine doesnt know much about women's clothing stores.......in the fitting room area there are mirrors on every wall. When Im spinning and my back is to him, I see him checking his watch when he thinks I cant see him. Dumb ass! There are mirrors everywhere!!! You'd think being a sniper, the man would be aware of his surroundings at all times! Sheesh.....does the Imp have to teach him everything???

"Thats it! Im not even going now!" I storm off into the room and slam the door. "What in God's name is wrong with you?" he asks, clearly ignorant to the fact that he has just insulted me. "What is wrong with me??? I saw you looking at your watch! Not me, not your wife....your damn watch!" I yell out to him. "Watch your mouth and lower your voice. We have been at this for 4 hours now baby and I was simply checking the time to make sure we weren't going to miss our movie. Calm down." The employee obviously heard my shouting so she pokes her head into the fitting room waiting area and asks, "Is everything alright?" Im pissed, fuming, on the verge of tears and somehow have convinced myself that if we are in public then I am safe from being corrected. I know when we get home I am really in for it, so figure what the hell, why not atleast make it worth the spanking right. I yell at her, "Im perfectly fucking fine lady! Other than the fact I cant find a gown and you wont mind your own fucking business.....perfectly fucking fine."

"Ma'am I am so sorry. I need a moment with my wife please. Thank you." I hear him apologizing from the other side of the door. He knocks on the fitting room door. I aint stupid......nope......no way in hell I am opening this door. In fact I might just camp out in here like forever. "Lynn, open the door." Im curled up on the bench now, my arms wrapped around my legs, face buried on my knees as I reply, "No, Im not coming out. Just leave me alone. Go away." Trying to sound as heart broken as possible on the off chance it will melt his heart and he will somehow forget what has just happened......yeah freaking right.

I hear nothing now so I peek up from my pouting state and see him coming in under the door. Damn it! The man is 6ft tall so this would be rather amusing if I werent scared to death. I bury my face again and start to cry. His hands quickly lifting me up from my seated position and he stands me up, then sits down himself and start searching through my purse, he says nothing. Im in panic mode now and turn to walk out but his hand grabs me by the wrist.

I look down at him and try to reason with him, "Im sorry, I didnt mean it. I'll apologize to her." He glares at me, "Oh I know you will apologize. Stand still." He releases my wrist and goes back to my purse. I could probably run now, he isnt holding onto me, but I cant move. Im frozen and Im scared. He finally finds what he has been searching for, my hairbrush. I look down at him, my mind drowning in panic, as I beg. "Honey pleaseee, not here....you cant, there are people here...pleasseeee. Please wait til we get home pleasseeee." He reaches for me again and pulls me forward so Im standing inches from where he is sitting. He locks my knees between his and starts to unbutton my jeans and the just as quickly, yanks them down along with my panties and glares up at me. "There are people here and they are going to hear us....but those same people just heard my wife curse at an innocent woman and throw a temper tantrum in public, so Im certain they wont mind hearing her get her naughty little ass spanked for her behavior. Over, NOW." I pout down at him, searching for any sign of leniency and attempt once again, "Baby pleeasseeee. Im sorrryyyyy."

He sits the hairbrush down on the bench and starts to stand up, his hand reaching his waist as he speaks, "Fine, dont listen, be defiant....you're practically begging for a belt whipping now arent you." I press my hands to his chest to push him back down and cry, "No Sir please. I'll listen, I promise, I'll listen." He grabs both of my wrists in his hands and stands staring down into my eyes, his jaw clenched as he scolds me. "Natalie Lynn Im ashamed of your behavior and I can not believe you'd protest being punished considering what you just did. You're getting your bottom spanked right here, right now. The only question in the matter is how bad and with which implement I have available at the moment. So you choose, do you want to do this the easy way? Or the hard way?" I lower my eyes away from his and sob as he sits back down.

I drape myself across his lap and lay there crying as he starts rhythmically spanking my bottom with that hairbrush. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! It hurts.....alot but I cant focus on my bottom, or the fact that an entire store full of people is hearing me get spanked like a naughty little girl.......my only focus is the word he just said as he looked at me. Ashamed. :(  It breaks my heart to know Ive done anything other than please him. But the words 'disappointed' and 'ashamed' have got to be the worst. Hearing those words directed at me from a man I love and belong to.......torture. I'd practically beg for a spanking after hearing that word, anything to make amends.

Lucky me.....I dont ever have to beg for a spanking.....just display bratty, rude, disrespectful, defiant, naughty, unruly, wild, out of control or otherwise destructive behavior......yep thats it......ticket to a good, hard spanking if I display any of the aforementioned behaviors.

CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! The swats stinging every inch of my upturned bottom and thighs and I cry into my right arm and hold onto his leg tightly with my left. He scolds me but I hear very little of it.....only catching bits and pieces of, "not from my wife" and "you know better" and "how dare you" and "just wait til I get you home".

CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! The swats echoing throughout the fitting room area like gunshots at point blank range. Surprise surprise......not one person has bothered to come check on us, to rescue the poor damsel in distress getting her bottom soundly paddled by her brute of a husband. Upon later reflection I decide they must have all been enjoying this entertainment......the mall can be a pretty humorous place on a weekend afternoon, but this had to have been the height of many people's shopping trips.

The swats have stopped now and I lay completely limp across his lap, sobbing softly and fighting the urge to rub my bottom, trying to catch my breath and choke back my sniffles. He wraps his arms around my waist and pull me up onto his lap in a sitting position now and that only ignited another fire to my poor punished cheeks. I bury my face in the crest of his neck at his shoulder and sob some more as he rubs my back.

He squeezes me tightly and then stands me up and helps me pull my panties and jeans back up. Throwing the hairbrush into my purse before handing the handbag to me and he takes my hand in his and walks me out of the dressing room. Im embarrassed but more intent on earning redemption from Jason, I put up no resistance as he leads me out of the fitting rooms and into the store. Several people look at us but no one say a thing; they probably know better.....he is a big guy and he might just spank them too. :)

Firmly holding my hand, he escorts me to the counter where the young employee I had snapped at is helping customers. We stand in line, waiting our turn and then approach her. "My wife has something she'd like to say to you, dont you?" I swallow hard and try to speak without crying again, "Yes Sir. Im very sorry ma'am. I shouldnt have cursed at you, it wasnt your fault. I was way out of line and Im so sorry." I glance up at him, then her. She smiles at me and almost looks like she may feel sorry for me.....which is the LAST thing I wanted to see. "Thank you for all of your help today ma'am." He adds and we walk off together out into the hallway of the mall, making our way to the theater at the other end of the building. Just my freaking luck.....a 3 hour movie on a freshly paddled bottom. Ughhhh. Some days it just does NOT pay to be naughty! :(