My mood absolutely sucks right now. That is probably even an
understatement. I've had a lot going on the last couple months......work,
family, health, etc.....just a lot to deal with all at once and much of it very
emotionally exhausting. I've felt overwhelmed a lot and somehow Professor's been
able to pull me back from that every time......except this one. Nothing seems to
be improving my mood this time. I just feel.....blah, oh well, who cares, etc. I
hate feeling like this but cant seem to shake it right now.
I have several big things coming up quickly that I need to be preparing
for.....but Im not. I'm procrastinating on everything that is not life or death
right now.....which will only end up stressing me out more late on because I'll
have to rush through things to complete them on time. I know this, but even that
isnt enough to motivate me to snap out of this mood. And my finding time to blog
while refusing to study will certainly be coming back to bite me in the ass as
soon as Professor puts 2 and 2 together with the dates of these
entries....ughhh.
Compound all of this nonsense with
Professor & I not really being able to talk much in the last 7-10
days.....at all, no phone, no IM chats, nothing but email tag.....yeah, it
sucks. Its not for a lack of trying......I've wanted to call him several times
and he has called me 3 or 4 times and left me voicemails.......some how my
shcedule is conflicting with his so it just hasnt happened......which is not our
'normal.' Then typical over-analyzing me decided since this inconvenience of
conflicting schedules seems to be happening when I have been really well-behaved
for almost 2 weeks now since I last saw Professor for a session......well my
typical over-analytical mind almost convinced myself that we arent talking
because of my good behavior......yep, almost fell into that trap the other night
and almost did something incredibly ignorant and it would have definitely gotten
me Professor's attention, but it wouldnt have at all been the attention I
wanted. **Sighs** Pissy mood, lack in communication and time to think.....not a
good combination. Thankfully for his sanity & my bottom, my rational
good'girl side won out and reassured myself that our communication has nothing
to do with and is certainly not based on how well I am behaving......we both
have careers, we both have families, we both have real lives and unfortunately
at times our real lives will conflict with one anothers and that's okay and
nothing to get upset about and certainly not a good enough reason to do
something ignorant. So......glad I didnt go through with that nonsense.
But ughhhhh, my mood is really horrible. I've tried different things to
improve it.....went to the firing range for a while, got to blow off some steam
but didnt improve my overall mood. Spent time with my son, but even he was
frustrating me. Talked to my wiener dogs......yes, I told you all Im not normal,
if I cant talk to my Professor, then I'll settle for a dachshund, they listen
well and never talk back :).......didnt help. Went to the gym.....no luck. Went
for a run with a friend.....not any better. Even tried shopping for designer
handbags, which I absolutely L-O-V-E......even that didnt help. Yep, Im in a
tough spot right now and nothing is helping.
Then, two nights ago, the same night I contemplated acting out ignorantly,
well I made an even more ridiculous decision. Professor was lecturing me through
email about my being confrontational again......and I didnt care to hear it, or
read it.....and I really didnt care to admit he was right, I was wrong and
should have behaved better. So instead of waiting until I had calmed down and
could reply respectfully......I chose to reply immediately. Not such a good
idea.
He asked how I could have handled the situation better.....my reply to him:
"I dont know Professor, you're the rocket scientist, you tell me." I can not
believe I said that to him in a non-joking manner. Want worse? Oh it gets even
better......he made a comment about my being overly-confrontational and I copied
his words and then added my thoughts on what he said......only those thoughts
included cursing not just to him, but directed at him.....I said....."nice touch
smartass." I sent the email and then literally 5 minutes later I started to
panic. I sent him IMs, I sent an apology via email.....I could not believe I had
actually sent that email to him and I knew he wouldn't be pleased.
Here is the issue now though.....he had originally thought that message was
me joking with him, so if my guilty conscious hadnt made me apologize
immediately, I could have played it off as a joke and escaped any punishment for
it. **sighs** But I cant ever lie to him, even if it will get me out of trouble,
I just cant. He means so much to me and I respect him enough to tell him the
truth.....even when the truth is going get my bottom beat.
My issue now.......Im still in an absolutely horrible mood and cant just
snap out of it. But now Im pissed off at myself for lashing out at the one
person who only wants to help me. Yes, I mean that.....even when he is lecturing
me, he is doing it for my own good and I know that. I wasn't really angry at
him.....I didnt really disagree with what he had said to me.....honestly, I knew
he was right. So why on Earth did I send that reply to him? Why did I lash out
at him? Why curse at him? Why call him a name? I just dont get it. I did the
same thing at times with my Marine, and he called it "transferred
aggression"........he used to tell me that I could take any emotion and turn it
into anger because I felt most comfortable expressing anger.......and I feel
most comfortable showing that anger to those I am closest to, so even if it has
absolutely nothing to do with them, I will lash out at them anyway. Makes
absolutely no sense to do it, but I do it anyway.
He was certainly right about the turning any emotion to anger.....I do that
often. If Im hurt or sad......I wont ever say it, I just channel it to anger. If
Im stressed or overwhelmed.....I will occassionally tell those closest to me,
but most often just transfer that into aggression and anger as well. I wonder
why I do it though? Was I just wired this way? Can I change it? It never seems
to bother me when I am doing it, but afterward......when I reflect about what I
said, especially to someone who didnt deserve it......I feel really horrible.
I respect Professor so much and I knew he
was right in what he said to me but I still resisted and attacked him for doing
his job and caring enough to tell me I was out of line. I would have never said
those things to his face, or even by phone so why did I do it in text? As if I
thought I wouldnt have to answer for it eventually in person. I just dont
understand my own trains of thought some days. So Im certain I'll get a
punishment list entry for this one and Im even more certain he will have no
problem re-teaching me self-restraint and respect......regardless of bad moods.
**sighs**
No comments:
Post a Comment