02/19/2012
So a year ago today, I "met" Professor via emails exchanged. March 2nd was the first time I met him face to face.....but our relationship began one year ago today.
Happy Anniversary, Sir. :)
I was almost surprised that he remembered the date....he is a man, after all....but, he remembered and brought it up during conversation this past weekend. Sssshhhh.....he can be pretty sweet some times. :) Just don't tell him I said so.....he has an image to uphold ya know.
Looking back and thinking about the last year, one thing is for sure.....and Professor described it accurately, a year of ups and downs.....a lot of them. I've dealt with some challenging things......but "dealing with it" was only possible because of the support I constantly had and turned to. He taught me so much this year. We've had fun and we've become closer than I ever anticipated. The year has been good and bad.....highs and lows. I suppose that is pretty typical of most relationships, right? Just a lot that we dealt with, isn't so "normal".
When I think about us....Professor and I....singularly, as an 'us'.....it's almost hard to believe it has been only one year. I feel like I've known him forever. He is family to me and I love the man to death. It's just so hard to analyze that kind of bond, that depth of emotional connection constructing in just one year. But it has.....and I'm incredibly thankful that it has.....and far happier than I was just a short 12 months ago. Amazing. :)
This coming year I believe we have both agreed that we want far more highs than lows. :) Regardless of what the year ahead brings, I'm confident we will get through it and I'll come out on the other side smiling.....because I am his and he is mine. :)
"You know better, Natalie Lynn"
"Who?"
"Me?"
"Moi?"
"Know better??"
"Surely not" :)
"Don't play coy with me, young lady."
"Oh c'mon, can't I just go through this world with a f%ck off attitude when I'm mad?"
"No, you may not. I've raised you better than that. My daughter can be cooperative....oh and your language....I applied an exception of extreme stress yesterday, but you had better damn well clean up your mouth now. Got it, little girl?"
**Thinking to myself.....hmmm.....he sounded pretty serious there.....I should probably save the eye rolling, sighs and smart-ass back talk for a different day.**
"Yes Sir." <--------See? I aint completely insane. :) I'm learning *when* to shut up. Smart girl :)
So I am still away from home and dealing with nonsense I'd rather...well...just not.
Last week I was felling completely disconnected from everything at home...friends, work, family and yes, discipline. Just sort of a lost out at sea and drifting freely feeling. I distance to protect myself. The longer I'm away, the more I miss him and missing him hurts.....so I guess I figured subconsciously that if I disconnected, it wouldn't hurt as much. So I pulled away...distanced for a few days...but the more I disconnected, the more I just needed my Dad.
So, at least this week is a bit better.
I'm still gone...and I'm incredibly stressed...and I feel physically as ran down as I am emotionally...
But knowing all I'm dealing with, my Dad made sure to stay in close contact this weekend...even though he had to run around a steel building searching for enough cell signal to call me. :) Hearing his voice of course makes me miss him more, but it's also just really calming and balancing for me...he knows that and made sure to give me plenty of voice time this weekend.
Then, Monday, was a hard day. Incredibly hard and stressful. I wanted to just run home to my Dad and hide and refuse to do this...but I couldn't...I was going to have to do this, no matter how difficult it was. So since he couldn't physically be here with me, I took his voice in lecture downloads on my phone in with me so he was in my ears. :)
And now today, we spoke again. And after disconnecting our call...I just smiled. He was characteristically strict with me and that was just really reassuring to me. Despite the geographical distance and despite my feeling like crap.....he still laid out his expectations in the form of non-negotiable mandates. Sweet, right? It actually kinda is and it made me smile...the familiarity, the security, the reassurance...I might have argued a bit, but I loved it. :)
I know myself well, too well at times. Well enough anyway to know what I'm doing now. Pulling into myself, into my safe lil cocoon, surrounded by the high walls I've built to keep the world out. But even as I distance, I have conflicting internal dialogue. This *was* my coping mechanism, for most of my life. So much has changed and I'm happier than I have been in a long time, so maybe I should change my coping mechanisms too? Hard to just decide to do so. Particularly knowing how well my cocoon has worked for me in the past.
I feel a little lost. Alone. Overwhelmed. Weak.
I don't know why I am struggling with this right now, but I know I am. My real life is chaotic and the stress of it, at times is overwhelming. I rely a lot on Professor to keep me sane, and he on me as well. We are, after all, partners in this D/s thing.......just an unequal partnership by nature......and its the inequality that I absolutely adore.
I've had this thing I do, since I was a small child, when I start to feel completely overwhelmed......I will detach and distance myself from those I love. I will put on the forced smile and insist I am "fine" when the truth is far from fine.
Professor is kept informed of the chaos in my real life and helps me shuffle my way through it and prioritize so I'm not completely alone in this. And I love him for that. When I am making decisions based on emotion, my Daddy is the calm voice of reason and rationale that helps find me a balance. We have spoken at least 4 times this week by phone for more than an hour because I think he has sensed that his little girl needs him. And I do.
Somehow even with those open lines of communication, I still feel my walls going up. I know I am detaching and I know it always ends poorly, leaving me completely alone without close support when I need it most. I know this but I can't stop it.
I'm helpless to stop it really. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I see it coming.....I know how devastating it is going to be.....but I simply can not stop it.
I guess I need him to stop it; though I don't now how he could or should, particularly when I haven't told him what it is I need from him. Maybe I don't even know. When the rest of my world is hell, he is my anchor and my sanity. I can hide away from the world in his arms and just be me.......the real me.....the unguarded me.....his little girl.
Long distance assignments or mandates from him have helped in the past to pull me closer to him; allowing me to feel his palpable control over me when we can not physically be together. I'm just not that certain if it will work this time. I can't remember ever in our year long relationship a time when I felt as if I was distancing myself from him like this. I *much* prefer to run to him......than what I'm doing now, I'm running away from him. So why can't I? I don't know.....I just don't know.
Ideally I'd run to him, falling into his arms, crying and going on about everything that is driving me insane right now..........and ideally, after holding me and ssshhh-ing me, my Daddy would just snap his fingers and fix it all for me..........because after all, that *is* what Daddies do for their little girls.....fix everything. :) Or so we tend to think.
Reality is I know I am distancing from him (and everyone else) right now, whether consciously or not, it is happening. I feel powerless to stop it. With my Dad specifically.......I feel "less than submissive". Which I guess is okay in some times but I honestly do prefer to keep our typical dynamic where simply hearing his deep and resounding voice inspires my unguarded submission and pulls at that core inside of me that this man melts.
I'm just really struggling with this right now. Thoughts would be appreciated. I know I need to plan to see my Dad for a session in the near future.....if for nothing else than a reset for us both and some quality father daughter bonding time OTK. I just hope my lack of submission and intentional pulling away and distancing myself from him and everyone else in my life doesn't cause some serious issues in the meantime.
I've been thinking.....well about a lot of things, but specific to this post........Rules.
Just about every D/s relationship has a list of rules, agreed upon by both parties, for a myriad of reasons. Professor and I, also have a list of rules to govern my behavior. Ours is far shorter than most, as my Disciplinarian is not a micro-manager. Whether I am home and in bed at 10pm or 3am, Professor doesn't have a preference. My rules are relatively simple.......until I break them, then not so simple. What I mean is that Professor's rules like "do what you know is right" is not at all specific, and easily applies to just about every decision I could possibly make. I have always liked this part of our relationship......the simplicity of the rules.
Professor hasn't had to sit and think of every possible offense under every dreamable circumstance to make my rules for me. Having a rule for something I wouldn't do in the first place would be unnecessary. I can assure you that Professor has never had to tell me, "do not rob a bank" or "do not start smoking crack"......he knows better and so do I.
Anyway, thinking today about what a waste of time it would be to make unnecessary rules.......I wondered if actually, any more than one rule is necessary? I am not at all saying that the handful of rules Professor has set are useless.......I am just wondering if the specificity is necessary at all? A lot of my rules are probably different ways of all saying the same thing. I wonder if just one rule would be a better operating base for us. I know what Professor expects from me.......at all times and in all situations......the mans voice is inside of my head.......quite literally. So maybe exchanging our short rule list for just one simple rule would be a more efficient solution.
Be honest, respectful and obedient to your Disciplinarian.
One simple rule........but I can not for the life of me think of any possible circumstance in which is wouldn't apply. It simply covers everything.......every interaction, every decision, every situation......everything. I have been Professor's girl for a whole year now so his expectations of me are crystal clear. Maybe the only rule I need is this one. It would certainly still encompass all of our specific rules because those are things I see as expectations of his and thus following them would be obedient.
Hmmm.......it's certainly enough to make a girl think. I haven't yet mentioned this to Professor.....but I think I might. Thoughts ladies??
