I don't know why I am struggling with this right now, but I know I am. My real life is chaotic and the stress of it, at times is overwhelming. I rely a lot on Professor to keep me sane, and he on me as well. We are, after all, partners in this D/s thing.......just an unequal partnership by nature......and its the inequality that I absolutely adore.
I've had this thing I do, since I was a small child, when I start to feel completely overwhelmed......I will detach and distance myself from those I love. I will put on the forced smile and insist I am "fine" when the truth is far from fine.
Professor is kept informed of the chaos in my real life and helps me shuffle my way through it and prioritize so I'm not completely alone in this. And I love him for that. When I am making decisions based on emotion, my Daddy is the calm voice of reason and rationale that helps find me a balance. We have spoken at least 4 times this week by phone for more than an hour because I think he has sensed that his little girl needs him. And I do.
Somehow even with those open lines of communication, I still feel my walls going up. I know I am detaching and I know it always ends poorly, leaving me completely alone without close support when I need it most. I know this but I can't stop it.
I'm helpless to stop it really. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I see it coming.....I know how devastating it is going to be.....but I simply can not stop it.
I guess I need him to stop it; though I don't now how he could or should, particularly when I haven't told him what it is I need from him. Maybe I don't even know. When the rest of my world is hell, he is my anchor and my sanity. I can hide away from the world in his arms and just be me.......the real me.....the unguarded me.....his little girl.
Long distance assignments or mandates from him have helped in the past to pull me closer to him; allowing me to feel his palpable control over me when we can not physically be together. I'm just not that certain if it will work this time. I can't remember ever in our year long relationship a time when I felt as if I was distancing myself from him like this. I *much* prefer to run to him......than what I'm doing now, I'm running away from him. So why can't I? I don't know.....I just don't know.
Ideally I'd run to him, falling into his arms, crying and going on about everything that is driving me insane right now..........and ideally, after holding me and ssshhh-ing me, my Daddy would just snap his fingers and fix it all for me..........because after all, that *is* what Daddies do for their little girls.....fix everything. :) Or so we tend to think.
Reality is I know I am distancing from him (and everyone else) right now, whether consciously or not, it is happening. I feel powerless to stop it. With my Dad specifically.......I feel "less than submissive". Which I guess is okay in some times but I honestly do prefer to keep our typical dynamic where simply hearing his deep and resounding voice inspires my unguarded submission and pulls at that core inside of me that this man melts.
I'm just really struggling with this right now. Thoughts would be appreciated. I know I need to plan to see my Dad for a session in the near future.....if for nothing else than a reset for us both and some quality father daughter bonding time OTK. I just hope my lack of submission and intentional pulling away and distancing myself from him and everyone else in my life doesn't cause some serious issues in the meantime.
Positive thoughts to you. We all go through the hard bits of our real lives and I think it must be difficult for those we have given responsibility for us to, to be more or less ineffectual in making those problems go away. Maybe it's our responsibilty, our job, at these times to let them do what they do and as hard as it is, to keep the barriers down as best we can.
ReplyDeleteBut I really don't know. Just some thoughts.
I find sometimes I want so desperately to be rescued..but who can rescue the girl who is running away at a rate of knots. So maybe I just need to stop and let myself be caught?
Sometimes when life is really stressful, even talking can be hard for me. I just want to go off and hide and think. You see, even good relationships with people who love and cherish you, put demands on you. That can be hard to handle when life is chaotic.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure I'll have more to say later, but for now, know that you are loved.