Sunday, June 30, 2013
He can communicate with me in so very many ways; but nothing speaks more intently to me than his eyes. I've heard the eyes are windows to the soul and it may very well be true. Of course his deep, resounding voice and the words he chooses to use will elicit reaction from me. As will his hands raining down hard, stinging swats or softly caressing my skin. But this man's eyes have a power over me that I can not explain. They are absolutely gorgeous......dark, deep, expressive.
Most of the time, his eyes are warm and inviting and I love to look into them. Even in scene, when that cold, dark wall rises I can enjoy watching the sadistic flash in his eyes. And even if I am not looking into them......I can always feel them when I am with him. When I am facing the corner or have my face in a pillow or am kneeling in front of him with my eyes downcast......I can literally feel his eyes on me and adore that strength of subconscious connection that we share.
But there has always been a look I can not remain stoic or composed under for long......and I see that look in those enticing brown eyes only when I have really, seriously screwed up.......it is a glare of disappointment and it will break me every time I see it. I absolutely hate the accompanying facial expressions, tone of voice, body language.......but it is his eyes that speak deeper to me........it is his eyes that reach into my heart.
I recently did something insanely ignorant and was caught almost immediately.......and had to face my Dom just hours later to answer for my actions. I once again had to see that look of disappointment in his eyes and it broke my heart. It is a mixture of emotions that combine to result in disappointment.......he was shocked at my blatant ignorance/arrogance because he knows that I know better.......he was angry that I would do something so dangerous.......he hated that I had disobeyed him intentionally to do what I wanted in the moment.......he was worried about me.......and perhaps more than anything else, he loved me. It's that last part I think that makes me respond the way I do when I see his disappointment in me. Processing just anger would be a piece of cake........it is seeing his love & concern written all over his face and recognizing I've really let him down that just inflicts such a stinging blow.
He has the ability to cause me serious pain without ever touching me and he knows it......and is very restrained in his wielding that power. I know damn well that when I see that look in his eyes......I have pushed way too far & I absolutely deserve the reaction I am receiving......but it doesn't make it much easier to endure. Any time I have disappointed him, I've probably been harder on myself than he would be and I suppose in that aspect, his punishing me is almost a gift because the physical pain can help me to let go of the emotional turmoil. I just hate to see that look in his eyes.......I immediately want to turn away, look down or hug him tightly hiding my face in his chest.......anything to escape that penetrating glare.......but he will insist I maintain eye contact until he's certain I've received the message. There is nothing that will bring me to tears & contrition quicker than seeing that look. I love him, respect him and need to please him.........I fell far short of that this time.
I will eventually write about this specific session, but for now I am still just lost in this man's eyes.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
So recently a negative article was written regarding domestic discipline or D/s relationships. The literary vomit inspired many daytime talk shows and late night comics to broach the subject of how "twisted" we all are. I typically ignore the media hype and crazy blog lurkers who have clearly never been lectured on the importance of "if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." :) But this time I just have to open my big damn mouth. Enjoy!
I imagine to the straight-laced people who feel they have the right to judge us (because God knows they've never done anything outside the normal scope) we are a perplexing population.......GOOD! I am flattered to know that you spend so much of your time attempting to analyze me when I couldn't give a shit less about you. :)
I've been a spanko since I can remember; I personally think we are born this way......it's in our DNA. Whether your niche is BDSM, or more erotic spanking or strictly discipline......you didn't learn to be this way, it's an innate quality. :) I have been in both DD and D/s relationships and it annoys me that these "journalists" would write something so one-sided and based on blatant ignorance.
If you are curious or have a question......ask us......most of us have no issue explaining our extra curricular activities. But stop trash-talking like a Yankees fan in Fenway Park. We really aren't all that "twisted" at all. We are normal people, we pay our taxes, work in respectable fields, sit on the same PTA you do. If you don't like my lifestyle......you're entitled to your opinion.....personally, I just think you need spanked......and I am entitled to my opinion too. :)
Of all the destructive things we could do to ease stress, I would think spanking between consenting adults would be harmless. We could be alcoholics.....or chronic gamblers.....drug addicts. Oh wait.....those are 'normal' afflictions, right?
And for f#ck's sake, stop calling me a "victim" or "battered woman"........I promise I am a willing participant in my own life and am a victim to no one. There are HUGE differences between domestic violence and domestic discipline......I'd elaborate, but I imagine you closed-minded idiots wouldn't understand my use of big words. :) I am not "abused".......and if I am, I like it. Analyze that.
Also keep in mind while you worry about how "screwed up" we are, that there are hundreds of people in this country who fuck livestock......that oughta keep your analytical minds preoccupied long enough to leave us the hell alone. Hopefully this enlightening post has helped you to realize that some of us just really need to be paddled on a regular basis........or we open our oppressed little mouths and insult your intelligence (or lack there of). :)
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Unfortunately, I'm not discussing the above pictured restraint in this post. :)
If the insanity over the last 48 hours had happened say about 2 years ago.......my reactions would have been a bit more explosive. I managed to keep it together and practice self-restraint. My poor Daddy has had to watch this craziness via Instant Messages & phone calls.......but he has, as always, been right there with me through it all. He's kind of amazing like that.
When we spoke tonight, he told me he was proud of me for the restraint I'd shown. Regardless of reason, I always smile hearing that sentiment from him; I far prefer pleasing him over disappointing him.
But thinking after our phone call, I realized something. The restraint I've shown hasn't truly been self-imposed. Personally, I would have *loved* to respond in an opposite manner than I did. :) I wasn't stopped from misbehaving because I cared about what could happen if I reacted with my temper......frankly, I didn't give a damn. The ONLY thought that weighed the scales in these situations was "would Daddy approve?" That's it......the single, solitary deciding factor......the reaction of my Dom. As is often the case now.
So technically I didn't show self-restraint.......I showed His restraint. Even when he isn't physically with me, he is *always* with me now. I've called Professor a "world-class mind fuck" a number of times on this blog......I promise it is an accurate assessment. The man is definitely inside of my head.......always. For the rest of society.....that is a good thing. :) For the intelligent, independent, forward thinking feminist I am.......well I suppose it makes me a walking contradiction of terms.
Control is sort of my thing. I love it......can't get enough of it......fight for it......relish in it. And yet with one man, and one man alone......I happily surrender it. More than 'happily' even.......relinquishing control to this man is an amazingly freeing feeling for me. While I may demand control in every other facet of my life......I don't want or need it with my Daddy. There is something so primal and intoxicatingly exciting in complete acquiescence to a dominant man who has earned my trust, my respect and my adoration.
He has long been able to elicit a submissive response from me when we are together. His hand tucking under my chin to tilt my face up toward his as I'm quietly kneeling in front of him.......ensuring eye contact. His piercing brown eyes stopping me in my tracks when I contemplate a flippant response. His deep, silky smooth voice completely quieting my chaotic internal dialogue whether in person or by phone when I'm in a difficult mood. The man has had me securely wrapped around his finger for a year and a half now......but I believe I just became aware of the true control he has over me tonight when I realized that self-restraint hadn't inspired my good behavior......His restraint had.
D/s relationships are, in my experience, typically very intense. Perhaps it is the level of trust or respect required......or maybe it is the openness and vulnerability.....perhaps it is the primal statement of ownership and possession.......whatever the reason, a solid connection in a well-orchestrated D/s relationship brings about a level of emotional connection, intensity & intimacy that can not possibly be paralleled. I've been aware of this for some time but perhaps I just wasn't as cognizant of it until this very moment in time, with this very amazing man I quite happily belong to.
Physically, my Daddy was not with me throughout this ordeal.......but then again, he didn't even have to be. I made the 'right' choice because regardless of geography......He is *always* inside of my head......and He is *always* inside of my heart.......and though the distance between us may change, His control over me remains very firm. That's a very reassuring feeling.........almost as warm, comforting and restraining as a cute little collar. :)
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Aside from the inane and annoying 'questions' or comments I receive here.....every once in a great while, I get one that will really cause me to stop and think......and then to reply.......this is one such question:
"I'm new to the spanko community & D/s. I love your blog and very much envy the relationship and closeness you share with your Dom/Daddy. I am curious, how you became so loyal & trusting. I understand that a lot of that is time and stuff but you had to start some where right? Did you just immediately submit from day #1 when he demanded respect? -Liz-"
First, welcome to our little world. :) Second, thank you for the kind blog comments, I enjoy sharing my writing with you all and have met some amazing friends here. Thank you as well for complimenting my D/s relationship; I believe it has definitely been worth it and I love it. Onto your loaded questions..........
Yes, we had to start somewhere. That somewhere for us was a lot of communication. I personally think open communication is vital to any relationship, whether it is within the D/s realm or a romance or even a working partnership.....communication is important. Professor and I 'met' online and shared a lot of very long, detailed emails back and forth for a few weeks before even meeting in person. And to be completely honest, by the time that day arrived.....us meeting face to face.....I was already putty in the man's hands.
Next, honey, my Dom has *never* demanded my respect.....period. He has at times demanded I speak respectfully.......like if I am emotionally wound up about a heated topic and cursing too much for his liking. Two entirely different concepts. Part of our communication in the infancy of our relationship was discussion of wants, needs, expectations. We were remarkably compatible in what we sought. He may have from the proverbial 'day 1' demanded my obedience.......but *never* has he demanded my respect.......HE EARNED MY RESPECT.
I'm a guarded girl and I have been hurt.....I also work in a career that offers me a front row seat to some of the best and worst facets of this life.....due to those two things, and other small contributing factors, I am guarded. I do *not* trust easily. I have *always* questioned or rebelled against authority. I have always been hard-headed, stubborn and strong-willed. I'm not what you would call "naturally submissive."
I can list for you a select number of people in my life who have ever attempted to 'demand' my respect.......and I assure you, not one of them ever received their demand. Trust & respect is EARNED.
The man I very endearingly call my Daddy worked from our 'day 1' to earn my respect and my trust. Unfortunately, there are a lot of idiots who dabble in D/s......a lot of arrogance.....ignorance......posturing......loud, obnoxious idiots who have no business having control of a poodle, let alone another human being. Thankfully, I found what I term an "ideal, naturally & overwhelming dominant man".......a *very* rare find, I might add. My father is a 'Dom/Top/spanko' via DNA......but he is a natural leader in most all facets of his life. Very intelligent, highly intuitive, experienced in this realm of our wonderful lil world. Flattery gets me nowhere, so I assure you this is simply my honest, unguarded opinion......I found 'perfect'........at a bare minimum, 'perfect for me.'
He very quickly earned my respect, trust and admiration because of the man he is, the man he is not and the way he has taken care of me. I've faced some pretty unimaginable nonsense in the last year & a half......every time I have struggled, stressed or just plain felt like throwing in the towel......I've turned to Him. When I've needed him, he is *always* right there. His life was full & busy *before* me......and yet he has somehow always made me a priority. I've discussed things with him that I have with no one else......he listens, advises me and supports me. He knows what I need, when I need it.....even when I have no idea or at the very least can not articulate those needs.....he knows and he meets my needs every single day.
From the time I was a little girl (growing up with older, bigger brothers) I have always viewed crying as a sign of weakness and I lived accordingly......my own husband saw me cry just twice in the 6+yrs we shared, my best friend since childhood has seen it maybe 3 times, and I had *never* allowed a D/s partner to see me cry......prior to my Daddy. Our first few sessions, I refused to cry.....or allow him to see it. But after a few months, it didn't even matter to me anymore. I trusted him completely......I am His, He is mine and allowing myself to show emotion with Him was no longer an issue. I, over time, became more and more invested emotionally in 'us'.....in a way I hadn't ever previously with a D/s partner. His opinion meant a lot to me.....his approval means the world to me. If I was going to be happy....truly happy.....I had to allow myself to open up, allow Him inside and that included not editing my emotions. He has heard me cry, he has seen me cry, he has held me while I've cried. To know I've disappointed this man now, truly breaks my heart.
Compared to where I was emotionally a year and a half ago.....I've done a 180......and I attribute that to the unwavering support, non-negotiable rules, no-nonsense discipline & unconditional love this man has provided for me. I could write a book on the things he has taught me, the changes he has made in the person I am, the amazing influence he has been on my behavior & my life. I am quite happy belonging to this man and being His little girl puts a smile on my face every day. I am fiercely protective of him and I can't think of anything I wouldn't do to please Him......because I love Him........He is *mine* and I am *His*. I took a chance.....He EARNED my respect.....I offered my submission.....and we continue along our path of combining fantasy & reality within our D/s and now, our real lives.
That doesn't happen over night, Liz, so give it time......when the time is right and when the Top is right......you'll see that things worth having are worth working & waiting for.
Those of you who read this blog on a regular basis have likely noticed that I've posted less as of late. Not that I don't love my writing, or my Blogger......I do (on both counts)......this month is simply a challenge for me every year and since returning to "normal" a month ago now, nothing has been...well.....normal. As I catch up on stuff in my real life, I promise you wont be neglected long.....and yes, I am alive.
If you (anonymous) insist on leaving me comments or worse, privately contacting me via gmail........please, for f#ck's sake, STOP sending the following:
#1: Will you marry me? I've asked like 4 times.
Nope....never. And yes, I would have thought after being ignored 3 times, you'd have taken the subtle hint.
#2: You work in medicine right....how's come owls can turn their heads all the way around & I can't?
Yes I do......HUMAN medicine. However, I'm tempted to assist you in making your head spin around. And please, don't procreate......and stay off the drugs.
#3: Where do you people come from? How do I find you?
I had no idea someone able to type and correspond via email would need basic human reproduction explained to them.....sad lil world we now inhabit, huh? Please ask your mother or Google where 'we' come from. As for how to find us.....if you meant people.....get off your computer, genius. If you meant spankos.....well that's even easier, since my Daddy walks me around on a leash and carries a paddle in his other hand. :)
Sad but true people, IQ's are dropping.......obviously, dramatically. While I typically have a high tolerance for idiots, it's wearing thin at the moment......take note before clicking "send."
Friday, June 14, 2013
Any man can be a father......it takes someone special to be a Dad.
June 16th, 2013
My mother may have taught me to speak.......but my father has taught me to choose my words wisely; and for that matter, when to shut my mouth.
Life taught me to fight......but my father has taught me to pick my battles.
Giving in doesn't necessarily mean giving up & not every question has a logical answer.
"No" means No.......and for no other reason than he said so. <----His patience in teaching me this lesson had to have been stretched thin :) I've always been a "why?" kind of girl.....it's taken a while, but his "No" doesn't inspire a "why?" anymore, it simply inspires acquiescence.
I may often times see the worst in others......but that doesn't ever mean I don't have to personally do my best.
Patience is acquired not innate......I may not have been blessed with the virtue, but I am capable of learning it.
Someone else being wrong does not necessarily make me right.
"Walling myself off" from the world hurt no one but me.
"Fair" is a 4-letter F word......he defines it and my agreeing is irrelevant. ;)
Some things in this world I can not control........my reactions to this world, I can.
Beginning any conversation with "I love you Daddy" will *always* get the same response: "what did you do?"
Driving is a privilege, not a right......and traffic tickets are *not* appropriate "collectibles."
There is not a fear in this world that his voice can't ease.......and no stressor that wont quickly dissipate when he wraps me in his arms.
Every bratty action has an opposite & equal disciplinary reaction.
"Most girls" may be vulgar, unruly brats......I am *not* 'most girls'....I am different because I am *His.*
Ignorance is not curable......my pointing it out & getting angry, still ain't fixing the problem.
A disapproving look can break my heart........the tone, not volume, of his voice can make me cry.
Loving & trusting may be difficult but it is essential to happiness.
Some lessons taught through his words......other through his actions......and several over his knee.......all equally important. Being a parent is the most difficult job in this world, but by far the most rewarding. The most incredible thing is this man never *had* to raise me.....he *chose* to. I learn more from him every day; his strength, his devotion, his character.....in a word: amazing.
Happy Father's Day, Daddy!
I love you.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Summer is upon us and with that season ushered in, so too it is time for D/s, BDSM, DD scene events. I have attended several and met some amazing people through these functions. I've received my invitations for the season but have yet to commit to any. I know I will attend a couple, but the decision of which ones and with whom are no longer a choice I make.
An acquaintance in the scene has messaged me multiple times, requesting me to play publicly at an upcoming event. **sighs** I've made it pretty clear that I'm not a lap-hoppin' brat........I simply can't just allow any man to spank me.....not judging others, its just simply not my thing. This 'acquaintance' is somewhat intrigued by my tolerance or threshold to pain and wants to "test drive" me. Gag me now. I am the personal property of ONE man in the scene, and he will be the only one touching me.....sorry.
For every submissive/masochist there is a need met by her Dom/Sadist. Yes I have an above average level of physical pain tolerance, but I promise you that did not happen overnight. My 1st discipline session with my father was certainly not the most intense. Actually the first couple punishment sessions were a dance of sorts between the two of us. He would push, I would bend........and somewhere along the way we found the "norm" for us. I have no problem submitting to even the most horrid of punishments now, even when the most agonizing implements are to be used (cords, canes, frat paddles).......why? T-R-U-S-T
I respect my Dom......I love my Dom......and above it all, I trust him completely.
He earned my trust......not an easy feat. But once earned, he has strengthened it time and again.....anytime I need him, there he is. He can read my chaotic lil mind, calm my erratic mood and make me smile when I hadn't in years.
There have been times I've been so concerned about facing him for an offense I knew deserved a seriously intense session........and the session that follows was nothing close to what I had expected. Though I'd never say my father is a push-over.....I will say he is selectively merciful......another piece of the puzzle that is my Daddy. :)
For me, yes the pain is important. I want him to push my limits. I want him to challenge me. I want him to smile knowing there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do to please him. I want but more so *need* to submit to him.......need to accept my punishments & be present in that pain.......in order to know that in the end I will have gained his forgiveness and won his approval.