Saturday, June 22, 2013
Demanded VS Earned
Aside from the inane and annoying 'questions' or comments I receive here.....every once in a great while, I get one that will really cause me to stop and think......and then to reply.......this is one such question:
"I'm new to the spanko community & D/s. I love your blog and very much envy the relationship and closeness you share with your Dom/Daddy. I am curious, how you became so loyal & trusting. I understand that a lot of that is time and stuff but you had to start some where right? Did you just immediately submit from day #1 when he demanded respect? -Liz-"
First, welcome to our little world. :) Second, thank you for the kind blog comments, I enjoy sharing my writing with you all and have met some amazing friends here. Thank you as well for complimenting my D/s relationship; I believe it has definitely been worth it and I love it. Onto your loaded questions..........
Yes, we had to start somewhere. That somewhere for us was a lot of communication. I personally think open communication is vital to any relationship, whether it is within the D/s realm or a romance or even a working partnership.....communication is important. Professor and I 'met' online and shared a lot of very long, detailed emails back and forth for a few weeks before even meeting in person. And to be completely honest, by the time that day arrived.....us meeting face to face.....I was already putty in the man's hands.
Next, honey, my Dom has *never* demanded my respect.....period. He has at times demanded I speak respectfully.......like if I am emotionally wound up about a heated topic and cursing too much for his liking. Two entirely different concepts. Part of our communication in the infancy of our relationship was discussion of wants, needs, expectations. We were remarkably compatible in what we sought. He may have from the proverbial 'day 1' demanded my obedience.......but *never* has he demanded my respect.......HE EARNED MY RESPECT.
I'm a guarded girl and I have been hurt.....I also work in a career that offers me a front row seat to some of the best and worst facets of this life.....due to those two things, and other small contributing factors, I am guarded. I do *not* trust easily. I have *always* questioned or rebelled against authority. I have always been hard-headed, stubborn and strong-willed. I'm not what you would call "naturally submissive."
I can list for you a select number of people in my life who have ever attempted to 'demand' my respect.......and I assure you, not one of them ever received their demand. Trust & respect is EARNED.
The man I very endearingly call my Daddy worked from our 'day 1' to earn my respect and my trust. Unfortunately, there are a lot of idiots who dabble in D/s......a lot of arrogance.....ignorance......posturing......loud, obnoxious idiots who have no business having control of a poodle, let alone another human being. Thankfully, I found what I term an "ideal, naturally & overwhelming dominant man".......a *very* rare find, I might add. My father is a 'Dom/Top/spanko' via DNA......but he is a natural leader in most all facets of his life. Very intelligent, highly intuitive, experienced in this realm of our wonderful lil world. Flattery gets me nowhere, so I assure you this is simply my honest, unguarded opinion......I found 'perfect'........at a bare minimum, 'perfect for me.'
He very quickly earned my respect, trust and admiration because of the man he is, the man he is not and the way he has taken care of me. I've faced some pretty unimaginable nonsense in the last year & a half......every time I have struggled, stressed or just plain felt like throwing in the towel......I've turned to Him. When I've needed him, he is *always* right there. His life was full & busy *before* me......and yet he has somehow always made me a priority. I've discussed things with him that I have with no one else......he listens, advises me and supports me. He knows what I need, when I need it.....even when I have no idea or at the very least can not articulate those needs.....he knows and he meets my needs every single day.
From the time I was a little girl (growing up with older, bigger brothers) I have always viewed crying as a sign of weakness and I lived accordingly......my own husband saw me cry just twice in the 6+yrs we shared, my best friend since childhood has seen it maybe 3 times, and I had *never* allowed a D/s partner to see me cry......prior to my Daddy. Our first few sessions, I refused to cry.....or allow him to see it. But after a few months, it didn't even matter to me anymore. I trusted him completely......I am His, He is mine and allowing myself to show emotion with Him was no longer an issue. I, over time, became more and more invested emotionally in 'us'.....in a way I hadn't ever previously with a D/s partner. His opinion meant a lot to me.....his approval means the world to me. If I was going to be happy....truly happy.....I had to allow myself to open up, allow Him inside and that included not editing my emotions. He has heard me cry, he has seen me cry, he has held me while I've cried. To know I've disappointed this man now, truly breaks my heart.
Compared to where I was emotionally a year and a half ago.....I've done a 180......and I attribute that to the unwavering support, non-negotiable rules, no-nonsense discipline & unconditional love this man has provided for me. I could write a book on the things he has taught me, the changes he has made in the person I am, the amazing influence he has been on my behavior & my life. I am quite happy belonging to this man and being His little girl puts a smile on my face every day. I am fiercely protective of him and I can't think of anything I wouldn't do to please Him......because I love Him........He is *mine* and I am *His*. I took a chance.....He EARNED my respect.....I offered my submission.....and we continue along our path of combining fantasy & reality within our D/s and now, our real lives.
That doesn't happen over night, Liz, so give it time......when the time is right and when the Top is right......you'll see that things worth having are worth working & waiting for.