Monday, May 28, 2012
Several of the women who write blogs that I read, and several friends of mine involved in DD & D/s relationships have said they have received or it is possible for them to receive a "Get out of a spanking" pass from their Top, Dom or Disciplinarian. Obviously, my initial reaction to reading about this was jealousy! Followed quickly by an urge to beg, whine, barter & plead with Professor to include these coveted little 'passes' in our routine. Luckily, for me anyway, he has been gone the last 4 days, so I've had the time to reconsider and really think about it before pleading my case....lol. Now though, with Professor returning tonight or tomorrow, I don't think I am going to even mention this idea to him.
I was thinking through every possible rebuttal he would have to my insisting I needed one of these 'passes'.....and while trying to think like him, I think I've changed my own mind....lol. Funny how that works, right?
Professor and I began this relationship so that I would be held accountable for my behavior and able to improve in different areas of my life that were sorely lacking in any form or hint of self-discipline. I needed a strict but caring authority figure in my life to answer to for my naughtiness before that naughtiness caused serious issues in my life. I found what I was looking for and what I needed when I found my Professor. He insisted that I be honest with him, so he would know the extent of my naughtiness and know what needed to be addressed. I was and hesitantly gave him every rotten little detail. Amazingly......he didn't run for the hills....lol. He didn't like a lot of it and he still doesn't but he set his mind to changing it and has been preoccupied on that front the last several months.
We don't engage in the game-playing nonsense. What I mean by that is I don't intentionally do bratty things to get his attention. We focus on the real issues I need to change, and Lord knows there are enough of them. I can not manipulate Professor, or use my charm to persuade him that my speeding in triple digits is not a spankable offense. He is not a softy. He is no easier to sway than a boulder would be. At times, it will irritate me that I can not get my way because every girl wants what she wants, when she wants it, how she wants it. But, when I sit and think about what it is I am irritated about, I usually come to the conclusion that I'm wrong and being a brat...lol. Imagine that.
Professor doesn't micromanage me, he does not dictate arbitrarily, he isn't an over-bearing jerk. He gives me very few rules at all and those he does set, he thinks about and considers painstakingly before setting them. He always considers what I want, how I feel and probably most important, what I need. The man has an incredible sense of what his brat NEEDS. The rules he has set, he has discussed at length with me. He has never simply barked off a rule and refused to discuss it......though he absolutely could and I would follow it the same. I actually think if he told me I had to do something or could not do something and the only reason he gave me was "because I said so, clear?".....I'd likely be too hesitant to ever even consider asking him for another explanation.....I'd simply know he meant business and not ever question or test that boundary. He is demanding and as often as that has gotten me into trouble, I really....REALLY love that he is as demanding and unwavering as he is with me. It makes me feel incredibly safe and incredibly loved to know Professor thinks so much of me that he insists on setting high standards and expecting me to live up to them without question. I don't ever question Professor about the rules he has set for me, I don't have to insist on an explanation that sounds good to me......the man has an incredibly effective way of convincing me that I need to follow his guidance and submit to him and his role in my life. I actually, have only once even attempted to whine, pout, plead and barter my way out of a punishment with him.....and I failed miserably....lol. So after that one time, I have not ever attempted it again and can say confidently that I wont ever attempt it again.
I have a girlfriend who always has to 'guess' with her Disciplinarian and it drives her insane. The man will go days or weeks even without speaking to her. He will tell her she is in trouble for something or he is going to punish her for doing something wrong, but he seems to leave it at words. He gets distracted with whatever else and never follows through. To some brats that probably sounds ideal, but to her and most other women it is extremely frustrating and confusing and hurtful.....hence her seeking a new Disciplinarian. I am so very thankful that my Professor is a complete polar opposite of that. I learned very early on in our relationship that Professor says what he means and he means what he says. He has and will ALWAYS follow through. He has a very good memory and though I may think at times that he is too busy to notice something, he always remembers. He is as consistent as he is strict and will always follow through with me. I actually had a friend ask me after she & I misbehaved at a bar a month or so ago, "Did Professor threaten to spank you for this?" I laughed and replied to her, "Professor has never threatened me.....not once. He makes promises to me.....threats are possibilities, promises are certainties.....Professor does not ever make a threat, but oh boy does he love to make me promises." Lol. :)
So thinking about the 'spanking pass' argument that I was certain I needed to articulate to Professor, I tried to think of what he would say and/or think about my argument......I mean, forewarned is forearmed right? If I could think of his replies then I could have my rebuttals all ready to defend my case and win the debate. :)
First, before I became Professors' girl, I was completely out of control in several aspects of my life and the things I was doing were not only ignorant, they were dangerous. I needed a Disciplinarian to hold me accountable for those behaviors. If I were asking for or expecting to be able to use a 'Get out of a spanking pass', Professor would likely immediately point out that I would be dodging responsibility for my actions. That by using the pass, I would be knowingly misbehaving or breaking a rule and expecting to have no consequence for doing so. To him, I'm confident that would sound a lot like manipulation and refusing to be held accountable for my choices......which would completely contradict the root reason I sought a Disciplinarian in the first place. I NEED to be held accountable.....even if at times I don't necessarily want to be held accountable.
I then realized that Professor would probably insist on explaining to me AGAIN, lol, that it is not he who determines when I am spanked or otherwise punished......it is me. I choose when I am punished when I choose to behave in a way I know is not acceptable. I am a very smart girl and I know full well what rules, restrictions, limits, etc I have been given and agreed to in order to improve in my life. I typically know BEFORE I do something that I will have to answer to Professor for it. Hence, the reason Professor continues to lecture me on the importance of DOING what I know is right.......translating what I know is right from my head to my actions. Yep, I'm more than confident my Professor would tell me I do not need a "Get out of a spanking pass" to protect my naughty bottom from his punishing swats, all I need to do if I do not want a punishment spanking is simply do what I know is right.
Last, I know Professor would hone in on one very vital element of discipline for me......forgiveness. When I make a mistake or do something that disappoints my Professor and disappoints myself or others I care for, I feel horrible. That guilt for what I did could consume me and seems to get worse the longer I go without a consequence for it. The worst thing, so far, for me since becoming Professor's little girl, was when I sent him a snotty and extremely disrespectful email because I was in a bad mood. Professor and I do not live with one another or even relatively close to one another.....which might be a good thing at times for both of us....lol. If I lived 5 minutes away from Professor, I can see me coming home in the evening after misbehaving in some way to find him waiting for me.....I wouldn't have time to get out of my poor mood and rediscover my submission before facing him.....that could only end poorly for me and my bottom. I'll be moving a lot closer to Professor later this year, so perhaps I should keep that little scenario in mind and find a way to dissolve a bitchy mood before I come home at night.....or at the very least, before I give Professor a key to my house...lol.
So, anyway, we do not get to address my misbehavior the day it happens, or even the week it happens right now. That is good in the sense that by the time I am punished for it, I have had plenty of time to think about what I did wrong and contemplate steps to take to insure it does not happen again......but when it comes to the guilt or shame for doing it in the first place, it sucks. After I sent that email to Professor, literally 10-15 minutes later I began to regret it.....A LOT. I sent him IMs and emails. I spoke with him by phone the next morning. For over a week from sending it to the day we had our session to address it, I felt absolutely horrible. I apologized profusely but somehow, "I'm sorry" just doesn't seem to cover it for me. Those are mere words and can not take back the disrespect he felt when reading that bitchy email. I behaved perfectly after that email until we addressed it in person, hoping that maybe my actions would speak louder than my words of contrition. Professor knew I felt horrible, he told me via phone and email to stop apologizing, not to worry about it, that he had forgiven me, that we were fine......none of that mattered to me in the moment because regardless of what he said, I still felt about 2 inches tall. When we met to address it with a punishment session, I was just so disgusted with myself for ever doing it that I had an even more difficult time than normal maintaining eye contact with Professor. And when he made me read that email out loud to him, I honestly did not think I would be able to do it.....I told him "I can't". He insisted I do it and though it killed me to recite those words to him and see the expression on his face, I did read through it because he had insisted I do so and I wanted more than anything to please him. I know he hated that email and was upset that I had said those things to him, but I'm almost certain I was more angry at myself for doing it than he was. Though I hate to be punished, by the time I finished reading that email to him, I truly wanted him to punish me and I wanted it to hurt.
I am a 'spanko' and can enjoy any kind of spanking from role play, stress relief, maintenance, etc.....any kind of spanking EXCEPT a punishment spanking. The way I feel toward a spanking is always tied directly to the circumstances surrounding a spanking.....because of that reason, I HATE punishment spankings. I hate to disappoint Professor, I hate to disappoint myself, and the physical pain from a punishment spanking is very real and not something I enjoy at all. Even with all of that said, I *wanted* to be punished for that email, even though I was nervous and knew it would be intense, I wanted it. Professor knew I wanted to be punished for the email from minutes after I had sent it. He knew how upset I was at myself for doing it, he knew how guilty I was feeling, he knew I was ashamed. Perhaps more than any of that, Professor knew I NEEDED to be punished for it and he knew I needed it to be intense. Because Professor knew what I needed, he selected the implement I hate the most to do the job. I hated every searing swat from that rubber looped strap, but I could not move from position......I needed to feel his displeasure in order to feel I had been properly punished for doing it so I could let it go. Until he had punished me for it, I could not accept his forgiveness and I could not forgive myself. Professor could see that turmoil of guilt and shame inside of me and made sure to push me to a point that I felt I had paid for my mistake and could be forgiven.
So I know that if I argued my 'need' for a 'Get out of a spanking pass', my Professor would certainly bring up the fact that when I fail, when I fall short, when I completely screw up.....I am consumed by guilt and shame and remorse for what I've done and I can not let it go, I can not forgive myself, I can not accept Professor's forgiveness, I can not move forward until I feel like I have truly paid the price for the mistake I made.
Over the last several days I have gone through an incredible transition.......from on day #1, wanting to call my Professor and plead with him for a 'Get out of a spanking pass' because I am a bit jealous that everyone else seems to have and/or get to use them.....to now, on day #4, knowing in my head that my Professor would NEVER allow me to use such a 'pass' to escape responsibility for my errors in judgement and knowing in my heart that I am a really lucky girl because my Professor loves me enough to always hold me accountable. So I am happy to report that the 'Get out of a spanking pass' argument has been settled in our relationship, without me even having to annoy Professor with the argument in the first place. Even though Professor did not even have to entertain this discussion personally, his voice in my head was sufficient and extremely convincing. :) So, no 'Get out of a spanking pass' is allowed to be used by this naughty Irish imp.....and somehow, I am okay with that. More than 'okay' with it honestly; I know that though I will hate it every single time it has to happen, I am very grateful that my Professor will ALWAYS hold me accountable for my behavior and will ALWAYS punish me when I deserve to be taken to task for my naughtiness and no 'pass' is going to save my naughty bottom from what Professor determines I deserve. I was born Irish and stubborn as a mule....lol....but I have found my match in an extremely strict Disciplinarian. My Professor's determination and resolve to tame his naughty Irish imp and raise a well-rounded, happy, successful and well-behaved girl is no match for my stubbornness. :)
I finally took my MCAT test late last week.....then breathed a sigh of relief that it is finally over.....until I realized I'd have to wait a week and a half to get my results.....ughhh. Professor was going away for the entire holiday weekend and warned me to behave.....who me? Naughty? Never! :) I went out with friends Friday night to relax and celebrate the end of studying for and dreading this exam. I THOUGHT I behaved....well, sort of.....what I mean by that is I didn't break a rule.....well not one Professor has set for me, but I did break a personal rule I have. Now I'm not certain if I should tell Professor or not......did I behave or didn't I? Then figured if I tell him, I should ask for a Get Out of a Spanking Pass to use to escape consequences for this. And now....well now, Professor returns tonight and we will likely talk tomorrow and I know I need to tell him what happened, and I know he wont give me a pass.....so now I am just praying he forgets his:
When he is packing to return home this afternoon! :) It is probably VERY unlikely......but.....a girl can hope, right? I REALLY need to stop practicing: When the cat's away, the mice will play. Because that cat always comes back......and I might just be a very sorry mouse once he gets his paws on me.....or that darn belt attached to his paws. **Sighs** Wish me luck ladies!
When he is packing to return home this afternoon! :) It is probably VERY unlikely......but.....a girl can hope, right? I REALLY need to stop practicing: When the cat's away, the mice will play. Because that cat always comes back......and I might just be a very sorry mouse once he gets his paws on me.....or that darn belt attached to his paws. **Sighs** Wish me luck ladies!
Today for the majority of Americans is a day for family, friends, fun, bbq, sports, swimming.......the kickoff of the summer season. A paid holiday off of work. A relaxing day that lengthened your weekend.
To a small few of us, this day is so much more. This day is Memorial Day, a day to remember and reflect the service and sacrifices of our men and women who proudly wear the uniform of the armed forces of The United States of America. And, the small few of us, we are the families of these brave heroes who willingly put their life on the line in the name of freedom, democracy & the American way of life.
Fathers, sons, husbands, wives, mothers, daughters........proudly buttoning a freshly starched blouse, carefully pinning on medals, perfecting the fold of the beret on their head. And from basic training to deployments, there is a small army behind each of these warriors. Those of us who serve at home. Saying 'goodbye' to our soldier, Marine, airman, seaman, or guard member. Watching as our loved one boards a plane for the unknown of a hell half way around the world to defend our liberties.
The men and women of our armed forces serve proudly and selflessly. Missing the birth of a child, Christmases, birthdays, other holidays, special first moments of their child(ren) learning to walk or speak or ride a bicycle. Though they are gone, time does not stand still. The precious moments they miss can never be replaced. They serve in a sandbox with scorching heat while donning their 45 extra pounds of gear. They go days at a time with no contact with family, no running water to shower, no sleep because they're constantly on guard. They guard with their very life, the man or woman serving alongside of them.
Those of us here at home, must go on with our daily lives during these months of deployments that seem never-ending. We continue to work, maintain our homes, engage in life.....and over night become both mother and father to our small children.....all the while trying to support the member of our family currently missing from the dining table. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life but I somehow always found a way, always found the drive & motivation to move forward while counting down the days to a tearful reunion.......only to again be given orders for yet another deployment on the horizon.
My older brother serves and is my best friend in the world. I had to send him to war the first time when I was still in high school. Through my brother, I was introduced to my former husband, who was my brother's battle buddy. From both my brother & my husbands' service, I met many men and women that became more than friends to me, they are my family.
I have experienced sending my men to war more times than I care to count......and lived through the heart break of realizing that my soldier or my Marine had come home but the war had come home with him. I remember falling asleep after a movie with my big brother only to be awaken a few hours later with him yelling out in his sleep and jerking violently. I watched as my husband paced around our home at night, double checking every door & window lock over and over, jumping at the slightest sound and immediately going off to investigate it, walking the floor as I held our newborn son in my arms watching my husband unable to recognize he did not have to remain on high alert at home. Of the few times I saw my Marine cry, the majority of them were when he would remember Dustin; a good friend of his who had saved my husband when he was first injured in duty, months later Dustin was killed by an IED and my husband still stateside recovering from his injury, had blamed himself for not being there to protect Dustin the way Dustin had protected him.
I know firsthand how it feels to watch CNN and hope the convoy that was attacked was not your spouse or brother. The pride I feel when I hear a patriotic song. The rage and hate I feel when I see a news story about Westboro Baptist Church in Arkansas picketing the funeral of another fallen service member. The tears that fill my eyes when I hear the sound of TAPS. The heartbreak that cuts so deep I can feel the throbbing pain as I explain again to my 4yr old son why he does not see his Daddy anymore. The emptiness that still overcomes me on certain dates throughout the year when I lay down at the end of the day and curl up to the pillow that has stayed on the other side of my bed for more than 2 years now knowing that is the closest I will ever come to again holding my husband. The fear that washes over me when my older brother calls to let me know he has received orders to re-deploy. The anxiety and pride that contradict each other spinning in my head as I watch my 4 year old son pull on his Daddy's combat boots and smile as he tells me, "Mommy I'll be a Marine just like Daddy was."
So many emotions overwhelm me on a day like today. I put on a smile and a brave face and I make it through the ceremonies, the parades, the speeches, the dinners to mark this solemn day. While you enjoy your family today, while you BBQ on the deck and fill up the pool for the season.......take a moment to say a prayer for the men and women who have served, are still serving and those yet to serve. Pray for the families of these warriors and the families of the fallen. Explain to your children the TRUE meaning of this holiday and the heart breaking truth behind this day of remembrance. If you know a service member or a military family, 'thank you' goes a long way.
To all of my men & women serving now and those who have served: Jason M., Royce M., Kenny B., Robert C., Aaron T., Ashley E., Becka B., Thomas K., Chris S., Kenny D., Dustin C., Bill H., Tim N., Leslie B., Alejandro V., Jason N., Sam S., Bill R., Bob L., and Joy L. : THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR SACRIFICE AND THE SACRIFICES YOUR FAMILIES MAKE WHILE SERVING BEHIND YOU! YOU SELFLESSLY SERVE AND MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR MY SON TO GROW UP IN A COUNTRY THAT OFFERS HIM ENDLESS OPPORTUNITIES AND LIMITS HIM BY NOTHING MORE THAN HIS IMAGINATION. THOSE SERVING NOW.......... STAY SAFE AND HURRY HOME. THE FALLEN HEROES......THOUGH WE CAN NEVER REPAY YOU FOR WHAT YOU GAVE, YOU WILL NOT EVER BE FORGOTTEN AND YOUR MEMORY SURVIVES IN THE HEARTS OF YOUR CHILDREN & FAMILIES.
Regardless of your political views or opinions of the wars, support the men and women who leave their families behind to defend yours. If you do not stand behind our troops.....feel free to stand in front of them.
Friday, May 25, 2012
I typically wait until I have several questions from my blog reader's before I write a Q&A post. However.....today I am going to make an exception because the question I got was something I really thought deserved its own post and needed answered sooner rather than later. Here is the question(s) this post was spurred by:
I read your blog and several other from the blog roll of DD couples, D/s relationships and the like. I can say the idea intrigues me but I can not get over a few alarming questions, perhaps you can help. For both of you involved in these relationships, how does safety not concern you? For her, what if he goes too far? For him, what if she calls the cops? Doesn't take a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon to see how a fairytale DD,D/s night could end with domestic violence charges right? I've not read of a safe word being used in any of your posts, even your first meeting; why not?
Wow.....where to begin? I suppose my typical self will point out the irony in your statement of not needing a rocket scientist or brain surgeon.....my Top is a rocket scientist and in 4yrs I will be a brain surgeon.....lol. What if I called the cops.....they would likely applaud Professor for disciplining me and might put him on the payroll....lol. Okay, enough silliness, back to the questions posed.
Safety is a very large concern in these type of relationships. Safety referring to physical safety, privacy & discretion, emotional & psychological well-being, etc. I have heard of or seen some of these relationships go wrong, but thankfully I've not ever been involved in one that has went crazy. I can only speak for myself and answer your questions from my personal point of view, so other DD ladies, gentlemen & couples who read my blog....please feel free to post your own thoughts on this topic.
Not finding a safe word in my posts.....the reason being, I have not ever used one in the two relationships I write about on this blog. The Marine was my husband, my partner, my best friend and I would trust him with my life.....my safety was paramount to him. The Professor is my disciplinarian now and no, he and I never had a safe word. I do not recommend to others that they meet a new partner without using a safe word.....I actually always recommend that people DO use one.....Professor and I just did not. A relationship is built on trust; whether it is a vanilla relationship or a DD, D/s relationship......honesty and trust is what builds the foundation of your relationship. Prior to meeting Professor in person for the first time, I could honestly say I did trust him....completely. We had spoke for some time, both by phone and online (email, IMs, etc). I knew who he was and he knew who I was. Aside from all he told me when answering every question I asked, I also read a lot about him from his previous D/s partner and several things about him professionally as well. By the time I was meeting with him in person, though I was nervous, I felt like I had known him for years. My safety was not ever a concern on my radar that afternoon. Again, I do NOT recommend anyone not use a safe word when meeting a potential partner for the first time, Professor & I didn't but we have been pretty lucky in this entire thing. If I was at all uneasy, I would have had one.....if he was at all uneasy, he would have insisted on one because he has been doing this longer than I have and knows the risks involved.
The risks, obviously are not just one-sided. The first you mention was the woman's physical safety. I am not a tiny girl and I grew up with big brothers....who taught me young how to fight....combine that with years of competitive martial arts, I am relatively confident in my ability to physically defend myself if I had to do so. As I said though, my physical safety was not even a concern registering in my mind the first day I met Professor. The other risk you mention is his personal risk....legal ramifications, etc. That is something I have always kept in the back of my mind, I am not the only one vulnerable here.....he is risking a lot personally, professionally, legally, etc. I can not speak for Professor, but I can say I am certain as with everything else, he weighed those risks every time he has began to mentor a new girl, and thankfully he determined I was worth that risk.
Do I ever worry if he would go too far? Never once has that thought crossed my mind. I feel incredibly safe when I am with Professor....if I feel anything more than safe in his presence it has to be really cared for. I trust him completely and his judgement. I feel like I have known him for years and I rely on him for far more than correcting my naughty behavior. He is the first person I call for advice....always. He gives me advice on issues with parenting. He has helped to make several important decisions in my career. I trust him completely. He is a very disciplined man, a very good man and I know he would never hurt me.....not physically, not emotionally, not at all. Not only would he not hurt me himself, I know he wouldn't let anyone else hurt me when I am with him. I know he would protect me and I would protect him as well. We are above everything else, friends. I am sure physical safety is probably a concern for many people dabbling in this lifestyle without a solid partner, but for me it is not an issue at all; I would trust Professor with my life.
I suppose if I have advice for you it would be to get your questions or concerns answered BEFORE you enter into a DD, D/s relationship. The risk for physical harm is there but there is more often the risk of emotional harm and that can be far worse than physical injury. The body heals remarkably well, the mind & heart not so much. I don't think this relationship dynamic is for everyone and I am certain it is not for dabblers at all. Those of us who were born this way, have navigated these waters and had tidal waves along our journeys....but personally, speaking for myself here, every bump in the road along my journey into D/s has been worth it and I am thankful that I have an amazing partner to share this part of my life with. :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
I went out with a group of my friends last night after work to have drinks and hang out at a local hot spot we frequent. There was a group of about 12 of us, pretty evenly spilt, about half spankos and half vanillas. My fellow-spanko girlfriends always l-o-v-e to try to get us into trouble.....which drives me nuts. I've never really cared much for intentional bratting to get attention from my Disciplinarian. I have more than enough real issues for us to focus on without me purposely being a brat. And besides, if I am in trouble that generally means I have done something that Professor does not approve of and he is upset with me, and that.....I hate! I used to always cause trouble with these girls before I found a disciplinarian because then I wasnt held accountable at all and the stuff we come up with together is rather amusing....lol. So, anyway, now I usually sit back and watch these two in particular hang themselves and dont often take part in the chaos since I belong to Professor. Their disciplinarians are FAR MORE LENIENT than mine would ever even consider being....and I kind of like that actually. Professor has to care a whole lot about me if he insists on holding me to such a high standard....it is kind of complimentary if you think about it like that. ANyway, back to last night.
These girls also love to try to get me involved in speed drinking games or any other means of quickly making me intoxicated because I will take about any dare if I've had enough to drink. Thanks to my Professor, I now have a strict limit in how much I drink because of possible interactions with my heart meds so they know I wont drink more than 2. So anyway, Leann decided she would order the three of us the same drink, it is called a Purple Passion.....and I'd never heard of it before last night but figured, what the heck I will try it. I watched the bartender make these drinks and I was shocked at how many shots she put in each one. When she gave the glasses to us, I pushed mine away. Leann said, "What's the matter? Try it, it is good." I laughed and said, "I'm sure its good but there are 9 shots in this drink." She laughed and slid the glass back to me and said, "Yeah, so what." I pushed it back toward her and replied, "So what? I was banned from drinking Long Island Iced Teas because of their alcohol content, that is only 6-7 shots.....I can not drink this." She thought for a minute and then laughed and asked, "Well did Professor say you couldn't drink a Purple Passion?" I answered her, "No." She again pushed the drink toward me and said, "Okay then, there isnt a problem. Try it."
I laughed at her logic and attempted to explain a genius little concept to her about the spirit of the law versus the letter of the law......which by the way is a huge waste of time when you're explaining it to a drunk....lol. I told her no, Professor had not banned that specific drink.....he didn't have to. The man didn't have to go through a bartender's encyclopedia of possible drinks and highlight all those I am not allowed to consume. I know damn well what he meant when he set this drink limit for me. If it is not safe for me to drink a Long Island with 7 shots, then it certainly isn't safe for me to drink a Purple Passion with 9 shots. It is common freaking sense. And I already know all to well what will happen if I decide to cross that boundary and I promised Professor he would not ever have to repeat that lesson to me again.....and I aim to keep that promise.
Again with the game playing and intentional bratting......she lives by the philosophy that if her husband hasn't specifically said it, then she can do what she pleases and not be held accountable if he didn't forewarn her that it was not allowed. I laugh at this idea quite frequently. The whole concept is ludacris. And I'm fairly certain if I ever lost my mind and attempted to use this 'logic' as my defense with Professor, he would object, I would be found guilty and God help me when it was time for my sentencing hearing. Lol.
I tried to explain to Leann that this is not how Professor and I work and that excuse is a pretty immature view point. I mean think about it.....Professor has never told me that I would be in trouble if I robbed a bank.....and I'm sure any of you other ladies have not gotten that warning from your Dom/Top/Disciplinarian either.....it doesn't need to be said, it is common sense. Just because he hasn't told me not to do it, does not mean he would not hold me accountable if I did do it. Just because he hasn't thought of and spelled out every possible offense I could commit, does not mean he wouldn't have the right to be angry at me if I did something that upset him.
Professor does not micromanage my life and set hundreds of rules but he still maintains a very firm control in my day to day life. We don't even really have a list of rules at all. I have very few actually but those 'higher rules' easily apply to everything in my life. I have two higher rules....#1: Be open & honest at all times about all things with Professor, no editing. & #2: Do what I know is right. I have one rule that applies to when I am being punished....#1: Do not speak unless I am spoken to. Answer 'yes Sir' or 'no Sir' unless he asks for elaboration, if thats the case, I need to answer immediately and respectfully. And I have two other specific rules for me.....#1: No hands-on use of my phone when I am driving unless it is an emergency & #2: No more than 2 alcoholic beverages when I drink. See? Pretty simple but just as complex. Higher rule #2 can be applicable in every single thing I do and/or say......so I am ALWAYS accountable for my actions. And as difficult as that is at times, I am really glad that he & I work the way we do.
I had a set list of behaviors I wanted to change or felt I needed to change when Professor & I began this journey together. But throughout the last 5 or 6 months, I have noticed things I never even thought were an issue being fixed or corrected. Other people in my life.....family, friends, co-workers, etc have also noticed changes and commented on them. And some of them were things that were never even on our agenda to address...lol. I think that is because Professor has never focused on my behaviors.....his focus has been on me. He wants to help me improve, he wants me to be happy, he wants me to succeed. That is what makes him so different than other Doms/Tops/Disciplinarians I have met......and I think Professor is one of very few men who have this 'right', so to speak. And I am not about to intentionally be a brat or defy him to share a laugh with my girlfriends.....this relationship and this man are far more important to me than that.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
FILL IN THE BLANKS
1.) I knew he was going to be perfect for me when __________.
Answer: When I realized he had me completely mind fucked before we ever even met in person.
2.) The 3 things I love most about him are: ______ ______ ______.
Answer: In no particular order.....his intelligence, his dominant personality, his voice.
3.) It would be easiest to pick him from a line-up if I saw only his: ________.
Answer: His eyes
4.) It irritates him when I _______.
Answer: Top from the bottom
5.) It pleases him when I ________.
Answer: Do what I know is right.
6.) One thing we have always agreed on is ___________.
Answer: We, unfortunately, can not re-wire our children :)
7.) He can not stand it when I ___________.
Answer: When I am unnecessarily confrontational and when I curse.
8.) The most ridiculous excuse I've ever given him was _____________.
Answer: Lol. I told him he could not punish me for being late because I was born late so I can't help my punctuality and he needed to familiarize himself with Natalie-time :)
9.) His response to #8 was ____________.
Answer: Quoting him verbatim here: 'That is ridiculous. You can help it and you will be held accountable to me for it. I suggest you re-think my needing to become familiar with Natalie-time, or you little girl will become familiar with my belt." **He meant it.....read through our 2nd session & see how well that worked out for me**
10.) If he never again said _________, I would be a very happy girl.
11.) He has no idea but when he ___________, I loved it. Because __________.
Answer: Told me I couldn't chop off my hair :) Because its incredibly possessive and I love that from him.
12.) Regarding my discipline, I love that he is ___________.
13.) Regarding my discipline, I hate that he is ____________.
Answer: Consistent......it is a double-edged sword
14.) I love when he ___________ during a session.
Answer: Runs his fingers through my hair
15.) I know I am in trouble when _______________.
Answer: I usually know as soon as I do something that it is going to upset him. When I am with him, his body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, etc all very clearly communicate the seriousness of the trouble I am in.
16.) I am addicted to _______________.
Answer: Designer handbags
17.) If I had to choose between #16 or him, I would choose __________.
Answer: Is this even a question? Lol. If I had to choose.....gee, let me think about this one.....I really love Tignanelo & Vera Wang....hmmm.....OF COURSE I would choose Him. That's not even a close call survey people....lol. The man has a heart beat and a pulse.....my handbags clearly do not. Thanfully for me I wont ever have to choose between the two.....he is tolerant of my addiction, and though he limits it, I am still free to continue collecting my purses. :)
18.) If he is upset with me, I would rather he _________ than __________.
Answer: I'd rather he yell at me,scold me,spank me,etc.....anything other than ignore me. I'm pretty lucky in this I suppose.....he is not a yeller and he does not ignore me. He will tell me he is less than thrilled with me and leave my poor lil mind to wonder just how much he dislikes my actions and what the repercussions are going to be.
19.) If he were an animal, he would be a _________, because __________.
Answer: An animal.....how is this NOT going to get me in trouble??? Lol. Hmmm....well I do love big cats, so I will say a lion. Because.....you ever stand next to a lion? You kind of know better than to taunt it or push it too far right? Kind of feel small, powerless next to it? Yep.....he is definitely a lion. And I really kind of like it. :)
20.) The one thing he has used for or done during a punishment that I absolutely hated was ___________.
Answer: This one is super easy and just happened at our last session. He made me read to him the disrespectful email I had sent to him when I was moody. I had to stand in front of him and read the entire thing while seeing that look on his face.....I HATED that and am confident I wont ever have to repeat that because I wont ever be so stupid in the way I speak to him.
21.) You'd probably never know it but he ____________.
Answer: Has a great sense of humor and is incredibly easy to talk to.
22.) He makes me laugh when ___________.
Answer: He can not get technology to cooperate for him. It amuses me to no end. :)
23.) He makes me cry when __________.
Answer: When he said I disappointed him. :( Only heard that once and dont care to hear it again.
24.) When he smiles, I __________.
Answer: I know I have pleased him and I love that.
25.) When he is happy, I ___________.
Answer: I am happy.......happy Professor = happy naughty imp :)
26.) When he is angry, I __________.
Answer: I have a very difficult time maintaining eye contact with him when he is upset with me.
27.) When he lectures, I ___________.
Answer: I listen
28.) I love when he calls me _________.
Answer: His.....and any other possessive term of endearment.
29.) As a disciplinarian, he is ___________.
Answer: Very demanding.
30.) In scene he is ___________.
Answer: All business and in control of e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!
31.) I laughed when he said __________.
Answer: Told me he was 'good at this' in reference to being a disciplinarian/mentor......after being with him in person, I let him know he lied and horribly under stated his abilities......lol. 'Good' is so not the adjective that comes to mind when I think of how well he has mastered this craft.
32.) When I am with him, I feel __________.
Answer: Small, safe, cared for, protected.
33.) If I never again __________, I know he would be pleased.
Answer: Got into a fight or unnecessary confrontation.
34.) If I could change one thing about him, it would be __________.
Answer: The distance between the two of us; but I am working on that and he is closer to med school so moving down toward the city will save my commute for school and discipline. :)
35.) In a word, describe him
Answer: Perfect :)
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I have received several emails from readers asking a multitude of questions about me, Professor, our relationship, etc. So I am answering some of them here. Feel free to ask anything you'd like to know in comments or through email and I'll be happy to answer them now and then in a post. Thanks!
I love your blog.It sounds as if the 2 of you have quite an extensive collection of implements,what is her favorite?What is his favorite?How does he decide what implement to use?Are there certain implements used for certain offenses?
MY ANSWER: Yes, between the two of us we have several implements, and with the help of 'friends', keep acquiring more. Lol. My 'favorite'...his hand. Although I know when I am going to be punished, many more will be used...I like the skin to skin touch & the closeness of the OTK position typically used with his hand. Punishment is as much emotional as it is physical....the closeness and connection with his hand is very important to me when Im being punished. Aside from that...a favorite would be anything other than his belt or looped strap...hence his selecting those two when I've really messed up. His favorites.....from what he has told me, his hand then his belt. As for how he decides, he would have to answer that. Certain implements for certain offenses...none that I know of yet.
Cara H. wrote:
I am not a 'spanko' but my husband is.He has been trying to convince me to let him find a partner to discipline and he showed me your blog to prove his point that it can work.Im hesitant about the whole thing.How do the two of you share something like dominance and submission, or spanking which typically are very intimate, yet not have a romantic relationship?I love my husband and trust him but dont know that I could trust her or his insisting it would be discipline only.Are you okay with your relationship being nonsexual?How can I cope with this?
MY ANSWER: The discipline is a very important part of my life and I am much happier when I have that.Obviously with my husband being my Disciplinarian during our marriage, I didnt have to be concerned with the seperation of the two.It was about a year after losing my husband that I realized the discipline aspect was something I very much still needed and wanted....but I did not and could not look for that in a romantic partner because I am still very much emotionally unavailable for a romance.I think honesty is paramount for this to work, as are compatible expectations.I didn't meet Professor outside of this dynamic.It isn't like we worked together professionally, or dated one another, or anything like that....we met one another through this shared passion and I was pleased to find his wants,needs & expectations aligned perfectly with my own.And yes, you are correct in your statement that D/s & spanking is intimate...I think people can share intimate experiences without them necessarily being sexual.As for 'how to cope'...I cant answer that for you.That is all dependent on your relationship and the understandings & sacrifices you & your spouse are willing to make for one another.I never had to contemplate this in my marriage because we were both into it.Within my relationship with Professor, I know he is married and has a partner in life...and I'm his partner in discipline & D/s and yes, I'm more than 'okay' with it...I love our dynamic & very much value our relationship.Now...if he started spanking other girls that I didn't know about, I WOULD have a problem with that. ;)
Have you ever been spanked unfairly?Or disagreed with a punishment?Have you ever resented him for punishing you?
MY ANSWER: Hmmm....have I ever disagreed, yes I have disagreed during my marriage....but not yet in my relationship with Professor. Resentment....never. It takes a very strong man to lead & accept responsibility for holding me accountable. Though in my eyes my Professor is perfect...he is human and will inevitably make mistakes, same as I do...why would I resent him for that? If he loves me enough to act in my best interest then what is there to resent? As for 'unfair'...I probably deserve far more spankings than I've ever received...lol. I have to this point, always agreed with Professor that I deserve to be punished...and if I ever do not agree, I may say so respectfully to him but the decision is ultimately his to make, not mine. I am not the one who determines what 'fair' is in this relationship. I trust him completely and his judgement of what is 'fair', so even if there does come a time that I ever do disagree, I would always submit to him.
Does he yell at you when you've done something that upsets him and he is scolding you or about to spank you?
MY ANSWER: He has raised his voice at me...emphasizing a certain point or word or phrase....but 'yell' at me? No, he hasnt. He doesnt have to. I respect him tremendously and listen when he speaks to me. The volume of his voice is nowhere near as important as the tone and context of what he is saying to me. He could practically whisper the 'right' thing to me and elicit the same unnerving response. He is a very disciplined man and easily controls every aspect of a scene or situation....if I ever did something that truly pushed him to the point that he lost that self-control and yelled at me....I'd be heart broken and very scared. So, no, and I hope that is the same answer if the question is asked again years from now.
What, if any, non-spanking punishments do you use?
MY ANSWER: Professor has grounded me or restricted me in certain things (i.e. cell phone, driving, etc). I have had to write lines while being paddled....that sucked. He obviously scolds me and uses corner time. He has threatened to wash my mouth out with soap....but has not yet done it....thank God. :)
Do you really call him 'Professor'? What is your favorite pet-name he uses for you?
MY ANSWER: Yes, always. I have not ever referred to him by his name. I know he has one...lol...his parents didn't name him 'Professor'...I have just not ever called him by his name, and I likely never will. I always address him as Professor or Sir. My favorite....hmmm, not sure if I have just one favorite....I love anything possessive,so anything with 'My' before it (my brat, my daughter, my little girl, etc). Love hearing it and smile every day quite happily knowing I am *His*.
Do you (her) like spanking? If you do, then how is it an effective punishment?
MY ANSWER: Yes, I am a spanko, so I do like to be spanked. However, a punishment spanking is not an experience I enjoy at all. If I am being punished then I know I have screwed up...I have let myself down and I have let my Professor down and that hurts....alot. I've said many times that discipline is as much psychological and emotional as it is physical. For days after I've done something wrong and days leading up to my punishment, I am miserable. Replay self-lecture over and over, over-analyze, self-doubt, anger, frustration, guilt, shame.....it absolutely sucks. I usually will email or IM Professor and let him know what I am going through and he has coined the phrase 'self punishment' to describe it. When I finally have to face him and answer for my actions I am practically sick with nervousness and worry. I hate to see the look of disappointment on his face...especially when I know it was caused by my actions. The spankings he gives me for punishment are not fun or enjoyable....they hurt, a lot. It is his way of correcting me, showing me his displeasure in the choices I've made, reaffirming his authoritative place in my life as my ever-watchful Disciplinarian, giving me incentive for it not to happen again.....my submission to the punishment & my submission to him is my way of 'fixing' what is broken, paying for what I did wrong, making it right with him, again trusting him and placing myself under his firm control in my life. It is hard to get through all of the self-punishment beforehand, and even harder still to get through the punishment session....but when it is over, when he pulls me close, smiles at me, calls me *his* good girl....that's when I can let it go and forgive myself....and we move on. My reactions and responses to a spanking are tied directly to the circumstances surrounding the spanking....and I can enjoy any spanking (role play, stress relief, maintenance, etc)....except a punishment spanking. The only aspect of it that I enjoy is knowing that after I will have a clean slate & be forgiven....then able to forgive myself and again behave as I know I am expected to and in the process, please a man who has quickly become very important in my life.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
"Park around the back of the building, door H. The key for you is on my windshield; you'll find me in room 309 Sir." I sent that text message to Professor and then looked at my cell phone, 1045am.....my heart sank as I realized he would be here in 15 minutes. I love seeing Professor, but when we are meeting for a punishment session, when I know I've disappointed him.....it sucks. I pace around the room nervously, looking for something to distract myself so I stop feeling so full of panic and dread. I turn on the AC....flip through the television channels to CNN....text a friend. Nothing helps, I'm still incredibly nervous and unnerved. I know I'm in a lot of trouble today. Professor and I haven't had a session in just over a month and though I've only got in trouble 3 times in this last month, those 3 times were all pretty serious offenses. Two of them were me being unnecessarily confrontational.....once with a co-worker, once with a trooper who pulled me over. The third offense is the one I'm most concerned with. When Professor heard of my confrontational escapade at work, he lectured me via email and I replied to him extremely sarcastically; which of course is disrespectful. I know he isn't happy with my recent behavior and that always upsets me.
My phone rings and I answer it quickly, expecting Professor, but it is a co-worker friend of mine. She & I chat for a few minutes and I hear the door close behind me and quickly say 'goodbye' to her then turn off my phone. I turn around and see Professor standing just inside the door. Our eyes meet briefly and I quickly lower mine to break the gaze. "Good morning Sir." I scan his body language and suddenly feel very small. He sits his bag down and picks up the papers I've left for him on the table. "I didn't ask for this, but thank you for bringing it" he says as he looks over a copy of the sassy email. "You told me to attach it to my punishment list Sir." I reply while fidgeting with my hands clasped together in front of me. "Oh yes I did, I remember." He walks toward me and I freeze but hesitantly look up at him. He extends his right arm and points at the television, I quickly turn it off and whisper a, "I'm sorry Sir."
He returns to the table and picks up my Punishment List and starts to scan over it. He sighs audibly and glares at me as he flips through the pages, clearly disgusted at the size of this ever growing list. I smile at him and say, "it is a book huh?" His eyes again meet mine and my smile fades, "It isn't funny young lady." I lower my eyes away from his and reply, "I'm sorry Sir." He returns to flipping through the list as I stand in front of him staring around the room and then I speak, "I believe what you're looking for is the last 4 or 5 pages." He drops the list to the table and glares at me as his left hand gestures for me to raise my eyes to his. His chocolate brown eyes are piercing, his jaw set as he folds his arms across his broad chest. "I don't recall asking for your help little girl and I don't need it. Actually, Lynn, what I am looking for is when we met, so I can gauge the difference in your behavior from before and after. If I care to hear anything from you, I will address you; clear?" I nervously chew on the corner of my lower lip as I whisper a, "Yes Sir." He extends his left arm and points across the room as he speaks again, "Go put your nose in the corner. NOW!" He elevates his voice to emphasize that last word and I jump and quickly scurry off to the corner.
"Come here Natalie Lynn." I turn from the corner and approach him at the table where he is sitting. I stop a foot from the table and clasp my hands together in front of me. "Look at me." His tone of voice pulling at my heart, I can hear the displeasure and I hate that. I raise my eyes to again meet with his stare. "Looking over this list, it is clear that we are making progress. You are improving and that pleases me." I half smile at him and he continues. "But....it is two steps forward and one step back. The one step back is what does not please me Lynn, especially when the step back is something we have discussed many times and you continue to do it. You didn't want to discuss confrontation today, tell me why." I swallow hard and try to find my voice. "Professor, like I said when I emailed you, I think when I am confrontational and you are upset with me.....I think I apologize and am sorry that I displeased you, but not for being confrontational." He leans back in his chair and again folds his arms across his chest and replies, "Go on. Explain." I sigh and continue, "I know it sounds stupid and I know this probably only upsets you more and I hate that Professor.....I find it kind of entertaining when I get in these little spats. It is a rush." His jaw clenching as he responds to my ignorant explanation, "I see. You're right, I do not at all like that. So you get a moment or two of entertainment at someone else's expense. That other person gets defensive and upset which in turn negatively impacts your work place and all of those around you. Then you have to come here and I have to again repeat myself that my little girl is not allowed to be confrontational."
His words making me feel even worse and I turn my eyes away and stare at the wall. "LYNN" his elevated voice again making me jump and I quickly return my eyes to his as he continues. "You know you are very intelligent. You have a quick wit and a sharp tongue. You can win by being abrasive and confrontational or you could choose to take the high road and disengage. You don't need to prove anymore that you can be right by fighting with other people. Right?" I nod my head and offer a "Yes Sir." He sits the list down and looks into my eyes for a minute or two without saying a word before he finally continues, "This is lesson number one today. My daughter is no longer confrontational because she knows that it is not worth it. Understood?" His choice of wording again pulling at my heart as I whisper, "Yes Sir. I'm so sorry." His eyes soften for a brief moment before he speaks again, "I know you're sorry, but I will not overlook that behavior out of my little girl. You are going to be punished. Go put your nose back in that corner." I drag my feet back to the corner and stand facing the wall, replaying everything he has just said to me.
"Come here." His voice pulls me from the corner and I turn to see him sitting in the chair in the middle of the room. "Pants down to your knees, get across my lap." I slowly unbutton my jeans and slide them down over my hips and leave them at my knees as I lay over his lap. His thighs hard against my torso as he rests his hand on my panty clad bottom. "I want you to think about what I said to you Natalie Lynn because this better be the last time I have to repeat this lesson on confrontation to you. It is not worth it." I drop my head as my long, red hair blankets the green carpet. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK His left hand starts connecting with my bottom and I gasp, not prepared for the force he put behind each swat. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK I close my eyes and fight to remain still as he spanks briskly. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK!!!
"Up, bring me your hairbrush." I slide off of his lap and walk to the dresser and pick up the solid hairbrush and return to his side, extending my hand to offer him the chosen implement. He takes it from my hand and with his other hand, he grabs hold of my wrist and pulls me down hard across his lap. His left hand slides between my skin and the waistband of my panties, then in one quick motion he pulls them down to my knees and immediately starts paddling my bottom hard with the brush. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! I bite my bottom lip to keep from whimpering. He opens his legs, spacing them further apart, raising my bottom higher and leaving my toes barely touching the floor as he continues. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! I whimper audibly and cross my ankles to keep from kicking my feet as that brush mercilessly paddles my bottom. He pauses a moment and rubs the cool wood against my tender bottom and then he starts paddling again, very forcefully on my unprotected thighs and sit spots. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK The first several swats that connect make me gasp as he continues to paddle harder and harder. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK My hands smack against the carpet as I fight to hold back the tears that are filling my eyes. "Back to the corner, NOW." I jump again and cringe as he raises his voice, I hate it and he knows that. I slide off of his lap and back over to the corner.
"Turn around, look at me." I turn from the corner and cautiously look up at him, our eyes once again locking with each others. "What is this?" He asks as he raises his left hand. I blink back the tears and fight to keep my voice from cracking as I answer him, while staring in panic at the well-worn leather belt dangling free from his hand. "Your belt Sir." He snaps it and I jump then quickly lower my eyes and try to slow my breathing and calm the uneasiness in my stomach. "Stack three pillows in the center of the bed and lay across them young lady." I quickly do as I am instructed and lay my face in my hands as I wait, my sore bottom and thighs elevated for him. SMACK SMACK SMACK The first three swats land hard across my upper thighs and my body jumps at each punishing swat. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK Professor always straps me in the same deliberate, methodical manner. He will apply several swats and then pause a moment to walk to the other side of the bed before applying several more. This always ends up leaving my entire bottom, thighs and the sides of hips completely covered and extremely tender for days.
"Look at me. Why are you getting this belt whipping?" I slowly turn my head and glance up at him, now kneeling to the side of the bed and looking directly into my green eyes that are fighting to contain the tears that continue to fill them. "Because I was confrontational Sir." I reply. He shakes his head and says, "No, you were paddled and spanked for being confrontational. You are getting a whipping with my belt for AGAIN making me REPEAT my lessons to you." I say nothing to him but try to express my remorse through my eyes as I look directly into his dark, piercing eyes. His eyes narrow and then soften a brief moment before he rises again to continue whipping me. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK As with the hairbrush and his hand, the swats are falling with significantly more force than is typical, leaving little doubt in my mind as to how much my actions have upset him. I sob into the backs of my arms and my hands grip the blankets so tightly that my knuckles turn white while he continues to show me his displeasure. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
The barrage of searing swats finally subside and his deep voice echoes again, "Stand up and pull up your pants." I slowly slide off of the bed and gently raise my panties and jeans over my very sore backside. My mind swirling and my eyes welling up again. I am not at all used to being told to pull my pants up immediately after being punished. I am usually always across Professor's capable lap to finish a punishment with a hard hand spanking before he gently rubs his strong hand over my properly punished bottom as he massages lotion into the aching skin. That is extremely important to me......to be close to Professor, lying over his lap, feeling his touch, reassured that it is over and I am forgiven.....that is what I need and this is breaking my heart as I button my jeans and realize that it looks as if I am not going to get that today.
I flip the hair back out of my face and quickly brush away a tear that has escaped my right eye as I look up at him. "I want you to sit down in that chair." He points to the chair he has put at the bottom of the bed. I gingerly sit down on it as he sits directly across from me at the foot of the bed. "I want you to sit here and think about this lesson. Think about how it is not worth it to be so confrontational. Think about how you are going to improve now. The old Natalie versus the new Natalie. I need to know this lesson has sunk in before we move on to the next lesson of the day. I had you pull up your pants so you can sit there in the correct frame of mind, as a young woman who has an incredibly bright future ahead of her and think about the changes she needs to make.....rather than the frame of mind of a naughty little girl with her pants bunched up at her knees being soundly spanked by her father for her behavior. Clear?" I nod my head and whisper, "Yes Sir." He stands up and begins to walk away but stops and turns to me again, "Uncross your arms and legs, that is a very closed off posture. I want you to think open-minded. I will be back." I uncross my arms and legs and sit in the chair, thinking through everything he has said to me and my actions. I replay his lecture and think about how immature my 'it is entertaining' justification truly is. I know I am better than that and so does Professor and I am truly ashamed of how I had been behaving and how juvenile my excuses for doing it are.
I am startled by the door closing as Professor re-enters the room. "Come here." I stand and walk toward him as he sits down at the table again. "Starting a new chapter?" I smile and nod my head yes. He smiles back at me and then immediately his face returns to the set, serious, resolved stare of an agitated disciplinarian as he pushes a piece of paper across the table to me. "Read it." I look at the paper, it is the email I had sent to him. I whisper, "I can't." He directs me to again meet his gaze and I look up at him, pleading with my eyes, desperate for him to change his mind. "Yes you can and you will. I did not ask you, I told you to do it and you will be in far more trouble if you do not. Now.....read it." I sigh and hesitantly reach for the paper, lifting it and begin to read through it. Each time I get to a curse word, a sassy comment, a sarcastic remark.....I hesitate and barely audibly recite it.
As I finish and sit the paper back on the table, I cautiously glance up at Professor, my eyes filling with tears of shame, guilt, deep remorse. The look on his face only makes me feel worse, it is a clear reflection of his own feelings toward this email. "I was not sure when I first read this if it was intended to be funny or if it was intentionally sassy. You told me you sent it in a bad mood and you spent the last week apologizing for sending it. You sending it seriously, not to be funny, makes it far worse. You have never and would never speak that way to me in person. I deserve your respect young lady, and I expect it to be shown regardless of your mood. Clear?" I look down at the floor as I reply, "Yes Sir. I'm sorry." He sighs as he rises to his feet. "Regardless of why it was sent, it never should have been. It is extremely disrespectful to me and you knew that but sent it anyway. I know you are sorry Natalie and I believe you are truly sorry for doing it and I'm certain you wont ever repeat it, but.....I can not and will not allow my daughter to speak to me in that manner.....ever." I hastily brush away another tear as it begins to fall down my cheek, his words tearing into my heart as I continue the self lecture replaying in my head.
Professor walks to the dresser and in my peripheral vision, I see him select the implement I both hoped he would and prayed he would not use, the double looped rubber strap.
"Come with me" I hung my head and followed closely behind him to the other side of the room. "Hands flat against the wall, feet a shoulder width apart, bottom pressed out. Don't you DARE move out of position or we will start again. Understood?" I nod my head yes as I lower my jeans and get into position. He slaps the email to the wall in front of me and I hold it there and see he has underlined every single curse word, sassy comment, disrespectful remark. I hang my head as he lowers my panties to my knees and the stands to my right and speaks again. "Read the first item that is underlined Lynn." I swallow several times, trying to find my voice. "Nice touch smartass." THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK Five harsh, unforgiving swats bite into my incredibly sore upper thighs. I drop my head and concentrate hard to stay still. "Next." He directs. I glance up at the email and read again, "If you don't know the damn answer, then why the hell are you asking me and expecting an answer?" I barely utter the last word when that strap begins to connect again, much harder. THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK The pain is dizzying and I whimper as he straps my bottom. "Next." I read again, barely audibly. "I don't know the damn answer, you tell me Professor, you're the rocket scientist, remember?" THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK Five more searing swats find their mark and I throw my head back to gasp for air as the instantaneous sting sinks in to a deeper throb. "Next." I try to blink back tears as they fall from my eyes and begin their decent down my cheeks. "Like my attitude? Yeah, didn't think so." THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK Four this time directly to my sit spots. I rise up onto my tip toes but remain in position as I sob and my tears fall to the floor. "Next." I concentrate so my voice doesn't break, though it is audibly shaky. "Good night sleeping beauty." THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK Five more swats find their mark on my thighs and bottom, seeming to land much harder than the others. I whimper out loud and fight to stand perfectly still. I hang my head, staring down at the floor and quietly cry.
"Come here." I slowly turn to find Professor sitting in the chair at the foot of the bed again. I walk over to him, my eyes locked on the floor, tears slowly trickling down my cheeks. He extends his hand and takes mine to gently guide me over his lap again. His hand starts to spank my throbbing bottom again. Not as hard this time as he had originally, but even the slightest touch after that strap feels unbearable. I squirm and cross my ankles to keep from kicking. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK The swats rain down quickly and he starts to speak as he continues his assault on my bottom. "I better not ever have to repeat these lessons to you again Natalie Lynn." I drop my head and sob, I hate hearing him use my first and middle name in that tone of voice. He continued to spank me but started to pay more attention to my upper thighs and sit spots, extremely sore from the strapping and now a new fire being ignited by his strong left hand. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK I struggled to stay still as he spanked faster and harder. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK "I'm so sorry Professor. I'm so very sorry." I whispered as I quietly cried. "I know. I believe you." He responded, his voice somewhat softer as he continued to spank his little girl's bottom. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
When he finally stopped spanking, I hardly noticed. I lay there, completely spent. He gently ran his hand across my burning bottom, tracing the welts from the strap with his fingertip. I slowed my breathing as he began to slowly massage lotion into my properly punished bottom and then my upper thighs. His touch caused me to wince, I was incredibly sore but I stayed still and though it hurt, I only wanted him to continue. His touch is so reassuring to me after I've been punished. It lets me know we are 'okay' and back to normal. I'm forgiven and then in turn, able to forgive myself. I am still *his* and he is still *mine* and that is an amazingly comforting feeling. He continued to soothe me a few more minutes before helping me to stand up again. I slowly pulled my panties and jeans back up over my punished cheeks, then flipped the hair back out of my face so I could look up at him. He opened his arms to me and I quickly melted into them.....a soundly spanked, contrite little girl into the very strong, loving arms of her disciplinarian.
We spent the next hour and a half or so talking with each other, as we often do. Family, work, politics, etc. Just casual chit chat and a much needed re-connection after the last month of spotty, limited contact due to overwhelming schedules. I love seeing him smile. :) I gave him a little grief for being a 'hermit' and not socializing or having friends. He smiled at me and went on with his list of everything else he has to do in a day.......teaching, writing, working out, a wife, 3 kids at home, 1 grown-up adopted naughty daughter to rein in, etc. He does have a point.....lol. I didn't think I would ever meet someone who worked as much as I do. Many days I wonder how he does it but he somehow always manages to juggle all of us very well. Then he continued, telling me he didn't need to have barbecues and socialize because he didn't need many friends.....he has his wife, a few colleagues he likes and he has me. :) That made me smile. There are some days I know I must drive Professor half-insane with naughtiness and he still loves me anyway, and even considers me a friend. I love that and told him that he has very quickly become one of my closest friends too. He is always the first person I call when I need advice, the first person I want to talk to about challenges in life, and the only person I actually talk to about problems or fear or stress. Yep, I am definitely a lucky girl and can say again that I am confident I have the best disciplinarian in the world. Don't know how he puts up with me some days, but I'm really glad he does. He is absolutely amazing and I am incredibly thankful that he is *mine* and incredibly thankful that I am *his*. :)
Lessons learned......#1: Confrontation is NOT worth it & I am not allowed to do that anymore.......#2: My Professor has earned my respect and deserves to be shown that in every interaction.......#3: Professor does NOT like to repeat his lessons. Properly punished & contrite naughty girl with a very sore bottom and a new understanding of interacting appropriately. Thanks Professor....you're the best. ;)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Okay so when I told Professor what I said and how I behaved when I got pulled over this week....he was less than pleased.....not a surprise there. But when I apologized, he said “Uh huh. Here we go with the I’m sorry Sir and Yes Sir and No Sir in a cute little contrite tone of voice. Think that’s going to help you little girl? You’ve said it before and here you are yet again doing it, so on Friday I will make sure you are sorry.” I didnt care for that response.....but I can't dictate how the man speaks, so I guess I'll have to get over it.
Anyway, my over-analyzing that statement from him and why I seem to keep committing this 'confrontational' offense......I think I might have figured out why he replied the way he did.....tell me what you all think.
Anytime I apologize to Professor, I do sincerely mean it.....if I didnt mean it, I wouldnt say it. Now sometimes I am sorry for what I did because it was really ignorant and I let myself down too by doing it.....like drinking with heart meds, speeding recklessly, etc. But any time he has called me on confrontation I'm not sure I am regretting the confrontational incident itself. I am sorry but I think I am sorry that I upset him. Does this make sense to anyone else? Like I tried to explain to him in an email, I know I am educated and articulate enough to get my point across without being a sassy bitch.....but sometimes the thrill I get from being that way is kind of amusing.....especially toward an authority figure, if I can get under their skin, its a good day. Kind of distorted logic, I know and ridiculously juvenile to think like that. I'll analyze that later on.....back to the apologies.
Have you ever apologized but not been truly sorry for the offense? As I said, if I am saying "Im sorry Sir" then I do mean it but I think when it comes to my confrontational tendencies, I am apologizing because I know I have disappointed my Professor, I know he expects better from me, I know he has taught me better, I know when I choose to engage in unnecessary confrontation it displeases him.....and I *hate* that. I hate knowing that I put that look on his face & the tone of his voice is just an unnerving. So I AM always sorry if I've done anything other than please him. But I think maybe he blew off my apology because he senses this too.....maybe he knows I am sorry it has irritated him but not for the offense he has tried so hard, so many times to show me is wrong and not worth the little thrill Im getting from doing it. I know he is certainly tired of repeating himself.....he doesn't have to, I could recite this lecture for him. 'Every time you test authority, it weakens that authority. Think about it Natalie Lynn, if everyone spoke to the police or the courts the way you do, we would have total chaos.' Yep, I've heard it enough I could recite it verbatim. Which probably only pisses him off even more because I know how he will react and it is still not a strong enough deterrent for me to shut my loud, snotty, sassy mouth when I get pulled over.
I used to think of the traffic offenses as a game that I always won with the police & the courts. Once I became Professor's girl, I try really hard NOT to get pulled over anymore and I know thats how I should be anyway, regardless. I'm a mother and a professional and the way I was driving was ignorant and dangerous. I remember the first time I got pulled over after becoming Professor's girl.....it was actually just days after he had punished me for my driving.....I did not say one sassy thing to the cop who stopped me, not one....which was a first. I actually cried, which had never happened before, because I knew Professor was going to be so upset with me and I hated that. How, then, do I go right back to cursing at a police officer who pulls me over now??? It is enough to make my head spin. I dont understand my own logic some days. I know I'm Irish and have a hot head, a lead foot and a short temper.....not a good combo. But I also know I CAN control it.....if I choose to. So why, at times, do I NOT choose to?
Any thoughts or ideas or other theories would be appreciated ladies. I'm all sorts of confused at the moment. All I do know is Im going to be seeing Professor tomorrow (Friday) and I *AM* sorry.....really, truly sorry......but I am sorry for displeasing him, for disappointing my Disciplinarian, for upsetting Professor....not for being a bitch to the cop.
I’m in trouble. I suppose it is my own fault……well no, actually I am still debating on whether or not it is my own fault…..here I’ll explain, then you can all tell me if I did this to myself or if (as I think) I’m innocent and was provoked. J
Yesterday afternoon my girlfriend and I were on our way back to work from lunch. We were on the interstate and this car whipped around us but then slowed down to like 40mph…..on the freaking interstate. There was an 18 wheeler in the left lane so I couldn’t pass this idiot. So once we were on a straight away, I passed him on the shoulder, in the break-down lane…..lol. I pulled in front of him and then the lights came on…..the retard I’d just passed on the shoulder was a NH State Trooper in an unmarked squad car. **Sighs** Brilliant, right?
My girlfriend is laughing hysterically and for who knows what reason decided to start recording me going off about this. Lol. The trooper approached and asked if I knew why he stopped me. I looked at him like he was ignorant and gave a flippant reply, “nothing better to do today huh?” He informed me that it is not only illegal to pass people on the shoulder of the road but it is also reckless driving. To which I rolled my eyes and said, “well for fuck’s sake if you would learn to drive, I wouldn’t have had to pass you on the shoulder genius.” He was less than amused and took my license, insurance, registration, etc back to his car as we sat waiting. When he came back he started his lecture about how inclimate weather decreases the speed limit…..I cut him off with, “are you fucking kidding me? It is raining. Inclimate??? Rain officer does not create a hazard so dangerous that you need to drive 40mph in a 65mph zone. Do you even know what the word inclimate means?” He seemed to be getting irritated by my sass and told me that if I continued to curse then he would write me a citation for disorderly conduct. I was just in one of those ‘screw off moods’ so I snapped back at him again, “Oh please do, I’d love another citation to add to my ever growing fucking collection jerk.” He was happy to oblige me.
So my girlfriend and I got back to work and she said she sent the audio clip of the traffic stop to Professor. Oh yeah, I freaked out! I started to panic. Re-playing everything I knew I had said to that trooper and knowing damn well what Professor would think about his little girl using that language and being so confrontational. I sent him emails telling him to ignore any emails from my phone. Then knew that would only peak his interest so sent another one confessing to ‘road rage’ but didn’t get into specifics as to the target of that rage.
Now today he & I just got off the phone and he hadn’t seen any of my emails because he has been busy today, so he asked if I had been behaving. Oooops. I told him I had been, past tense, “because yesterday a retard provoked me to be naughty”, he asked for details and I filled him in. Then a long pause, a heavy sigh and a “Natalie Lynn, that is ridiculous.” My stomach immediately started to knot at the sound of his serious tone of voice using both my first & middle names. “What is wrong with you? How many times have we discussed you being confrontational? How many times have I spanked you for being confrontational?” I answered, “Several times Sir.” He sighed again, “I do not care to do things several times, little girl.” I rolled my eyes at him pointing out the obvious, he *hates* when I make him repeat his lessons to me…..and I hate it too because it only gets harder each time we have to ‘discuss’ it. “I’m sorry Sir.” He stopped me, “Uh huh. Here we go with the I’m sorry Sir and Yes Sir and No Sir in a cute little contrite tone of voice. Think that’s going to help you? You’ve said it before and here you are yet again doing it, so on Friday I will make sure you are sorry.” I started to pout, I hate when he has to scold me.
I tried to help myself out by pointing out that I have behaved really well in the last month since we had out last session…….I’ve only gotten in trouble 3 times since then, granted those 3 times were pretty significant screw ups, but nowhere near the frequency I was getting entries added to my Punishment List. Professor has been extremely busy since our last session so we haven’t talked much and I’ve tried to behave really well so I wont irritate him or require his focus when it is needed elsewhere. I had been getting things added to my list like every other day for some dumb thing or another but this last month, only 3 total. But, like I said, the 3 were pretty big screw-ups…..1.fight with a co-worker in front of patients…….2.extremely disrespectful email sent to Professor when he lectured me via email about #1……..3.now confrontation and road rage with a damn trooper who drives like a retard. Ughhhhh. And all of those things will likely each end up being counted as repeat offenses, meaning we have discussed it before, I have been punished for it before, and now Professor will have to AGAIN repeat his lessons to me. **Sighs**
So now on Friday I will finally get to see and spend some time with my Professor…….but instead of having a happy session, I’m going to be punished and I’m going to have to see that look on his face, and hear that tone of his voice and feel his displeasure in the choices I’ve made. Professor thinks I am too confrontational…….I think I am Irish and idiots provoke me……what do you all think??? Who is right in this one, Professor or the Imp??? I suppose either way, I’m still going to be punished for it Friday, so wish me luck…..I’m going to need it. L