It Really Isn't Worth It :(

05/11/2012

"Park around the back of the building, door H. The key for you is on my windshield; you'll find me in room 309 Sir." I sent that text message to Professor and then looked at my cell phone, 1045am.....my heart sank as I realized he would be here in 15 minutes. I love seeing Professor, but when we are meeting for a punishment session, when I know I've disappointed him.....it sucks. I pace around the room nervously, looking for something to distract myself so I stop feeling so full of panic and dread. I turn on the AC....flip through the television channels to CNN....text a friend. Nothing helps, I'm still incredibly nervous and unnerved. I know I'm in a lot of trouble today. Professor and I haven't had a session in just over a month and though I've only got in trouble 3 times in this last month, those 3 times were all pretty serious offenses. Two of them were me being unnecessarily confrontational.....once with a co-worker, once with a trooper who pulled me over. The third offense is the one I'm most concerned with. When Professor heard of my confrontational escapade at work, he lectured me via email and I replied to him extremely sarcastically; which of course is disrespectful. I know he isn't happy with my recent behavior and that always upsets me.

My phone rings and I answer it quickly, expecting Professor, but it is a co-worker friend of mine. She & I chat for a few minutes and I hear the door close behind me and quickly say 'goodbye' to her then turn off my phone. I turn around and see Professor standing just inside the door. Our eyes meet briefly and I quickly lower mine to break the gaze. "Good morning Sir." I scan his body language and suddenly feel very small. He sits his bag down and picks up the papers I've left for him on the table. "I didn't ask for this, but thank you for bringing it" he says as he looks over a copy of the sassy email. "You told me to attach it to my punishment list Sir." I reply while fidgeting with my hands clasped together in front of me. "Oh yes I did, I remember." He walks toward me and I freeze but hesitantly look up at him. He extends his right arm and points at the television, I quickly turn it off and whisper a, "I'm sorry Sir."

He returns to the table and picks up my Punishment List and starts to scan over it. He sighs audibly and glares at me as he flips through the pages, clearly disgusted at the size of this ever growing list. I smile at him and say, "it is a book huh?" His eyes again meet mine and my smile fades, "It isn't funny young lady." I lower my eyes away from his and reply, "I'm sorry Sir." He returns to flipping through the list as I stand in front of him staring around the room and then I speak, "I believe what you're looking for is the last 4 or 5 pages." He  drops the list to the table and glares at me as his left hand gestures for me to raise my eyes to his. His chocolate brown eyes are piercing, his jaw set as he folds his arms across his broad chest. "I don't recall asking for your help little girl and I don't need it. Actually, Lynn, what I am looking for is when we met, so I can gauge the difference in your behavior from before and after. If I care to hear anything from you, I will address you; clear?" I nervously chew on the corner of my lower lip as I whisper a, "Yes Sir." He extends his left arm and points across the room as he speaks again, "Go put your nose in the corner. NOW!" He elevates his voice to emphasize that last word and I jump and quickly scurry off to the corner.

"Come here Natalie Lynn." I turn from the corner and approach him at the table where he is sitting. I stop a foot from the table and clasp my hands together in front of me. "Look at me." His tone of voice pulling at my heart, I can hear the displeasure and I hate that. I raise my eyes to again meet with his stare. "Looking over this list, it is clear that we are making progress. You are improving and that pleases me." I half smile at him and he continues. "But....it is two steps forward and one step back. The one step back is what does not please me Lynn, especially when the step back is something we have discussed many times and you continue to do it. You didn't want to discuss confrontation today, tell me why." I swallow hard and try to find my voice. "Professor, like I said when I emailed you, I think when I am confrontational and you are upset with me.....I think I apologize and am sorry that I displeased you, but not for being confrontational." He leans back in his chair and again folds his arms across his chest and replies, "Go on. Explain." I sigh and continue, "I know it sounds stupid and I know this probably only upsets you more and I hate that Professor.....I find it kind of entertaining when I get in these little spats. It is a rush." His jaw clenching as he responds to my ignorant explanation, "I see. You're right, I do not at all like that. So you get a moment or two of entertainment at someone else's expense. That other person gets defensive and upset which in turn negatively impacts your work place and all of those around you. Then you have to come here and I have to again repeat myself that my little girl is not allowed to be confrontational."

His words making me feel even worse and I turn my eyes away and stare at the wall. "LYNN" his elevated voice again making me jump and I quickly return my eyes to his as he continues. "You know you are very intelligent. You have a quick wit and a sharp tongue. You can win by being abrasive and confrontational or you could choose to take the high road and disengage. You don't need to prove anymore that you can be right by fighting with other people. Right?" I nod my head and offer a "Yes Sir." He sits the list down and looks into my eyes for a minute or two without saying a word before he finally continues, "This is lesson number one today. My daughter is no longer confrontational because she knows that it is not worth it. Understood?" His choice of wording again pulling at my heart as I whisper, "Yes Sir. I'm so sorry." His eyes soften for a brief moment before he speaks again, "I know you're sorry, but I will not overlook that behavior out of my little girl. You are going to be punished. Go put your nose back in that corner." I drag my feet back to the corner and stand facing the wall, replaying everything he has just said to me.

"Come here." His voice pulls me from the corner and I turn to see him sitting in the chair in the middle of the room. "Pants down to your knees, get across my lap." I slowly unbutton my jeans and slide them down over my hips and leave them at my knees as I lay over his lap. His thighs hard against my torso as he rests his hand on my panty clad bottom. "I want you to think about what I said to you Natalie Lynn because this better be the last time I have to repeat this lesson on confrontation to you. It is not worth it." I drop my head as my long, red hair blankets the green carpet. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  His left hand starts connecting with my bottom and I gasp, not prepared for the force he put behind each swat.  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  I close my eyes and fight to remain still as he spanks briskly. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK!!!

"Up, bring me your hairbrush." I slide off of his lap and walk to the dresser and pick up the solid hairbrush and return to his side, extending my hand to offer him the chosen implement. He takes it from my hand and with his other hand, he grabs hold of my wrist and pulls me down hard across his lap. His left hand slides between my skin and the waistband of my panties, then in one quick motion he pulls them down to my knees and immediately starts paddling my bottom hard with the brush. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK!   I bite my bottom lip to keep from whimpering. He opens his legs, spacing them further apart, raising my bottom higher and leaving my toes barely touching the floor as he continues.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK!  I whimper audibly and cross my ankles to keep from kicking my feet as that brush mercilessly paddles my bottom. He pauses a moment and rubs the cool wood against my tender bottom and then he starts paddling again, very forcefully on my unprotected thighs and sit spots. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  The first several swats that connect make me gasp as he continues to paddle harder and harder.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK My hands smack against the carpet as I fight to hold back the tears that are filling my eyes. "Back to the corner, NOW." I jump again and cringe as he raises his voice, I hate it and he knows that. I slide off of his lap and back over to the corner.

"Turn around, look at me." I turn from the corner and cautiously look up at him, our eyes once again locking with each others. "What is this?" He asks as he raises his left hand. I blink back the tears and fight to keep my voice from cracking as I answer him, while staring in panic at the well-worn leather belt dangling free from his hand. "Your belt Sir." He snaps it and I jump then quickly lower my eyes and try to slow my breathing and calm the uneasiness in my stomach. "Stack three pillows in the center of the bed and lay across them young lady." I quickly do as I am instructed and lay my face in my hands as I wait, my sore bottom and thighs elevated for him. SMACK SMACK SMACK The first three swats land hard across my upper thighs and my body jumps at each punishing swat. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK   Professor always straps me in the same deliberate, methodical manner. He will apply several swats and then pause a moment to walk to the other side of the bed before applying several more. This always ends up leaving my entire bottom, thighs and the sides of hips completely covered and extremely tender for days.

"Look at me. Why are you getting this belt whipping?" I slowly turn my head and glance up at him, now kneeling to the side of the bed and looking directly into my green eyes that are fighting to contain the tears that continue to fill them. "Because I was confrontational Sir." I reply. He shakes his head and says, "No, you were paddled and spanked for being confrontational. You are getting a whipping with my belt for AGAIN making me REPEAT my lessons to you." I say nothing to him but try to express my remorse through my eyes as I look directly into his dark, piercing eyes. His eyes narrow and then soften a brief moment before he rises again to continue whipping me. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  As with the hairbrush and his hand, the swats are falling with significantly more force than is typical, leaving little doubt in my mind as to how much my actions have upset him. I sob into the backs of my arms and my hands grip the blankets so tightly that my knuckles turn white while he continues to show me his displeasure.  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK

The barrage of searing swats finally subside and his deep voice echoes again, "Stand up and pull up your pants." I slowly slide off of the bed and gently raise my panties and jeans over my very sore backside. My mind swirling and my eyes welling up again. I am not at all used to being told to pull my pants up immediately after being punished. I am usually always across Professor's capable lap to finish a punishment with a hard hand spanking before he gently rubs his strong hand over my properly punished bottom as he massages lotion into the aching skin. That is extremely important to me......to be close to Professor, lying over his lap, feeling his touch, reassured that it is over and I am forgiven.....that is what I need and this is breaking my heart as I button my jeans and realize that it looks as if I am not going to get that today.

I flip the hair back out of my face and quickly brush away a tear that has escaped my right eye as I look up at him. "I want you to sit down in that chair." He points to the chair he has put at the bottom of the bed. I gingerly sit down on it as he sits directly across from me at the foot of the bed. "I want you to sit here and think about this lesson. Think about how it is not worth it to be so confrontational. Think about how you are going to improve now. The old Natalie versus the new Natalie. I need to know this lesson has sunk in before we move on to the next lesson of the day. I had you pull up your pants so you can sit there in the correct frame of mind, as a young woman who has an incredibly bright future ahead of her and think about the changes she needs to make.....rather than the frame of mind of a naughty little girl with her pants bunched up at her knees being soundly spanked by her father for her behavior. Clear?" I nod my head and whisper, "Yes Sir." He stands up and begins to walk away but stops and turns to me again, "Uncross your arms and legs, that is a very closed off posture. I want you to think open-minded. I will be back." I uncross my arms and legs and sit in the chair, thinking through everything he has said to me and my actions. I replay his lecture and think about how immature my 'it is entertaining' justification truly is. I know I am better than that and so does Professor and I am truly ashamed of how I had been behaving and how juvenile my excuses for doing it are.

I am startled by the door closing as Professor re-enters the room. "Come here." I stand and walk toward him as he sits down at the table again. "Starting a new chapter?" I smile and nod my head yes. He smiles back at me and then immediately his face returns to the set, serious, resolved stare of an agitated disciplinarian as he pushes a piece of paper across the table to me. "Read it." I look at the paper, it is the email I had sent to him. I whisper, "I can't." He directs me to again meet his gaze and I look up at him, pleading with my eyes, desperate for him to change his mind. "Yes you can and you will. I did not ask you, I told you to do it and you will be in far more trouble if you do not. Now.....read it." I sigh and hesitantly reach for the paper, lifting it and begin to read through it. Each time I get to a curse word, a sassy comment, a sarcastic remark.....I hesitate and barely audibly recite it.

As I finish and sit the paper back on the table, I cautiously glance up at Professor, my eyes filling with tears of shame, guilt, deep remorse. The look on his face only makes me feel worse, it is a clear reflection of his own feelings toward this email. "I was not sure when I first read this if it was intended to be funny or if it was intentionally sassy. You told me you sent it in a bad mood and you spent the last week apologizing for sending it. You sending it seriously, not to be funny, makes it far worse. You have never and would never speak that way to me in person. I deserve your respect young lady, and I expect it to be shown regardless of your mood. Clear?" I look down at the floor as I reply, "Yes Sir. I'm sorry." He sighs as he rises to his feet. "Regardless of why it was sent, it never should have been. It is extremely disrespectful to me and you knew that but sent it anyway. I know you are sorry Natalie and I believe you are truly sorry for doing it and I'm certain you wont ever repeat it, but.....I can not and will not allow my daughter to speak to me in that manner.....ever." I hastily brush away another tear as it begins to fall down my cheek, his words tearing into my heart as I continue the self lecture replaying in my head.

Professor walks to the dresser and in my peripheral vision, I see him select the implement I both hoped he would and prayed he would not use, the double looped rubber strap.

 "Come with me" I hung my head and followed closely behind him to the other side of the room. "Hands flat against the wall, feet a shoulder width apart, bottom pressed out. Don't you DARE move out of position or we will start again. Understood?" I nod my head yes as I lower my jeans and get into position. He slaps the email to the wall in front of me and I hold it there and see he has underlined every single curse word, sassy comment, disrespectful remark. I hang my head as he lowers my panties to my knees and the stands to my right and speaks again. "Read the first item that is underlined Lynn." I swallow several times, trying to find my voice. "Nice touch smartass." THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK  Five harsh, unforgiving swats bite into my incredibly sore upper thighs. I drop my head and concentrate hard to stay still. "Next." He directs. I glance up at the email and read again, "If you don't know the damn answer, then why the hell are you asking me and expecting an answer?"  I barely utter the last word when that strap begins to connect again, much harder.  THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK  The pain is dizzying and I whimper as he straps my bottom. "Next." I read again, barely audibly. "I don't know the damn answer, you tell me Professor, you're the rocket scientist, remember?"  THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK  Five more searing swats find their mark and I throw my head back to gasp for air as the instantaneous sting sinks in to a deeper throb. "Next." I try to blink back tears as they fall from my eyes and begin their decent down my cheeks. "Like my attitude? Yeah, didn't think so."  THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK  Four this time directly to my sit spots. I rise up onto my tip toes but remain in position as I sob and my tears fall to the floor. "Next."  I concentrate so my voice doesn't break, though it is audibly shaky. "Good night sleeping beauty."  THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK  Five more swats find their mark on my thighs and bottom, seeming to land much harder than the others. I whimper out loud and fight to stand perfectly still. I hang my head, staring down at the floor and quietly cry.

"Come here." I slowly turn to find Professor sitting in the chair at the foot of the bed again. I walk over to him, my eyes locked on the floor, tears slowly trickling down my cheeks. He extends his hand and takes mine to gently guide me over his lap again. His hand starts to spank my throbbing bottom again. Not as hard this time as he had originally, but even the slightest touch after that strap feels unbearable. I squirm and cross my ankles to keep from kicking. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK   The swats rain down quickly and he starts to speak as he continues his assault on my bottom. "I better not ever have to repeat these lessons to you again Natalie Lynn." I drop my head and sob, I hate hearing him use my first and middle name in that tone of voice. He continued to spank me but started to pay more attention to my upper thighs and sit spots, extremely sore from the strapping and now a new fire being ignited by his strong left hand.  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  I struggled to stay still as he spanked faster and harder.  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK   "I'm so sorry Professor. I'm so very sorry." I whispered as I quietly cried. "I know. I believe you."  He responded, his voice somewhat softer as he continued to spank his little girl's bottom.  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK

When he finally stopped spanking, I hardly noticed. I lay there, completely spent. He gently ran his hand across my burning bottom, tracing the welts from the strap with his fingertip. I slowed my breathing as he began to slowly massage lotion into my properly punished bottom and then my upper thighs. His touch caused me to wince, I was incredibly sore but I stayed still and though it hurt, I only wanted him to continue. His touch is so reassuring to me after I've been punished. It lets me know we are 'okay' and back to normal. I'm forgiven and then in turn, able to forgive myself. I am still *his* and he is still *mine* and that is an amazingly comforting feeling. He continued to soothe me a few more minutes before helping me to stand up again. I slowly pulled my panties and jeans back up over my punished cheeks, then flipped the hair back out of my face so I could look up at him. He opened his arms to me and I quickly melted into them.....a soundly spanked, contrite little girl into the very strong, loving arms of her disciplinarian.

We spent the next hour and a half or so talking with each other, as we often do. Family, work, politics, etc. Just casual chit chat and a much needed re-connection after the last month of spotty, limited contact due to overwhelming schedules. I love seeing him smile. :)  I gave him a little grief for being a 'hermit' and not socializing or having friends. He smiled at me and went on with his list of everything else he has to do in a day.......teaching, writing, working out, a wife, 3 kids at home, 1 grown-up adopted naughty daughter to rein in, etc. He does have a point.....lol. I didn't think I would ever meet someone who worked as much as I do. Many days I wonder how he does it but he somehow always manages to juggle all of us very well. Then he continued, telling me he didn't need to have barbecues and socialize because he didn't need many friends.....he has his wife, a few colleagues he likes and he has me. :)  That made me smile. There are some days I know I must drive Professor half-insane with naughtiness and he still loves me anyway, and even considers me a friend. I love that and told him that he has very quickly become one of my closest friends too. He is always the first person I call when I need advice, the first person I want to talk to about challenges in life, and the only person I actually talk to about problems or fear or stress. Yep, I am definitely a lucky girl and can say again that I am confident I have the best disciplinarian in the world. Don't know how he puts up with me some days, but I'm really glad he does. He is absolutely amazing and I am incredibly thankful that he is *mine* and incredibly thankful that I am *his*.  :)

Lessons learned......#1: Confrontation is NOT worth it & I am not allowed to do that anymore.......#2: My Professor has earned my respect and deserves to be shown that in every interaction.......#3: Professor does NOT like to repeat his lessons.  Properly punished & contrite naughty girl with a very sore bottom and a new understanding of interacting appropriately. Thanks Professor....you're the best.  ;)