Monday, May 28, 2012
Determination of My Disciplinarian
Several of the women who write blogs that I read, and several friends of mine involved in DD & D/s relationships have said they have received or it is possible for them to receive a "Get out of a spanking" pass from their Top, Dom or Disciplinarian. Obviously, my initial reaction to reading about this was jealousy! Followed quickly by an urge to beg, whine, barter & plead with Professor to include these coveted little 'passes' in our routine. Luckily, for me anyway, he has been gone the last 4 days, so I've had the time to reconsider and really think about it before pleading my case....lol. Now though, with Professor returning tonight or tomorrow, I don't think I am going to even mention this idea to him.
I was thinking through every possible rebuttal he would have to my insisting I needed one of these 'passes'.....and while trying to think like him, I think I've changed my own mind....lol. Funny how that works, right?
Professor and I began this relationship so that I would be held accountable for my behavior and able to improve in different areas of my life that were sorely lacking in any form or hint of self-discipline. I needed a strict but caring authority figure in my life to answer to for my naughtiness before that naughtiness caused serious issues in my life. I found what I was looking for and what I needed when I found my Professor. He insisted that I be honest with him, so he would know the extent of my naughtiness and know what needed to be addressed. I was and hesitantly gave him every rotten little detail. Amazingly......he didn't run for the hills....lol. He didn't like a lot of it and he still doesn't but he set his mind to changing it and has been preoccupied on that front the last several months.
We don't engage in the game-playing nonsense. What I mean by that is I don't intentionally do bratty things to get his attention. We focus on the real issues I need to change, and Lord knows there are enough of them. I can not manipulate Professor, or use my charm to persuade him that my speeding in triple digits is not a spankable offense. He is not a softy. He is no easier to sway than a boulder would be. At times, it will irritate me that I can not get my way because every girl wants what she wants, when she wants it, how she wants it. But, when I sit and think about what it is I am irritated about, I usually come to the conclusion that I'm wrong and being a brat...lol. Imagine that.
Professor doesn't micromanage me, he does not dictate arbitrarily, he isn't an over-bearing jerk. He gives me very few rules at all and those he does set, he thinks about and considers painstakingly before setting them. He always considers what I want, how I feel and probably most important, what I need. The man has an incredible sense of what his brat NEEDS. The rules he has set, he has discussed at length with me. He has never simply barked off a rule and refused to discuss it......though he absolutely could and I would follow it the same. I actually think if he told me I had to do something or could not do something and the only reason he gave me was "because I said so, clear?".....I'd likely be too hesitant to ever even consider asking him for another explanation.....I'd simply know he meant business and not ever question or test that boundary. He is demanding and as often as that has gotten me into trouble, I really....REALLY love that he is as demanding and unwavering as he is with me. It makes me feel incredibly safe and incredibly loved to know Professor thinks so much of me that he insists on setting high standards and expecting me to live up to them without question. I don't ever question Professor about the rules he has set for me, I don't have to insist on an explanation that sounds good to me......the man has an incredibly effective way of convincing me that I need to follow his guidance and submit to him and his role in my life. I actually, have only once even attempted to whine, pout, plead and barter my way out of a punishment with him.....and I failed miserably....lol. So after that one time, I have not ever attempted it again and can say confidently that I wont ever attempt it again.
I have a girlfriend who always has to 'guess' with her Disciplinarian and it drives her insane. The man will go days or weeks even without speaking to her. He will tell her she is in trouble for something or he is going to punish her for doing something wrong, but he seems to leave it at words. He gets distracted with whatever else and never follows through. To some brats that probably sounds ideal, but to her and most other women it is extremely frustrating and confusing and hurtful.....hence her seeking a new Disciplinarian. I am so very thankful that my Professor is a complete polar opposite of that. I learned very early on in our relationship that Professor says what he means and he means what he says. He has and will ALWAYS follow through. He has a very good memory and though I may think at times that he is too busy to notice something, he always remembers. He is as consistent as he is strict and will always follow through with me. I actually had a friend ask me after she & I misbehaved at a bar a month or so ago, "Did Professor threaten to spank you for this?" I laughed and replied to her, "Professor has never threatened me.....not once. He makes promises to me.....threats are possibilities, promises are certainties.....Professor does not ever make a threat, but oh boy does he love to make me promises." Lol. :)
So thinking about the 'spanking pass' argument that I was certain I needed to articulate to Professor, I tried to think of what he would say and/or think about my argument......I mean, forewarned is forearmed right? If I could think of his replies then I could have my rebuttals all ready to defend my case and win the debate. :)
First, before I became Professors' girl, I was completely out of control in several aspects of my life and the things I was doing were not only ignorant, they were dangerous. I needed a Disciplinarian to hold me accountable for those behaviors. If I were asking for or expecting to be able to use a 'Get out of a spanking pass', Professor would likely immediately point out that I would be dodging responsibility for my actions. That by using the pass, I would be knowingly misbehaving or breaking a rule and expecting to have no consequence for doing so. To him, I'm confident that would sound a lot like manipulation and refusing to be held accountable for my choices......which would completely contradict the root reason I sought a Disciplinarian in the first place. I NEED to be held accountable.....even if at times I don't necessarily want to be held accountable.
I then realized that Professor would probably insist on explaining to me AGAIN, lol, that it is not he who determines when I am spanked or otherwise punished......it is me. I choose when I am punished when I choose to behave in a way I know is not acceptable. I am a very smart girl and I know full well what rules, restrictions, limits, etc I have been given and agreed to in order to improve in my life. I typically know BEFORE I do something that I will have to answer to Professor for it. Hence, the reason Professor continues to lecture me on the importance of DOING what I know is right.......translating what I know is right from my head to my actions. Yep, I'm more than confident my Professor would tell me I do not need a "Get out of a spanking pass" to protect my naughty bottom from his punishing swats, all I need to do if I do not want a punishment spanking is simply do what I know is right.
Last, I know Professor would hone in on one very vital element of discipline for me......forgiveness. When I make a mistake or do something that disappoints my Professor and disappoints myself or others I care for, I feel horrible. That guilt for what I did could consume me and seems to get worse the longer I go without a consequence for it. The worst thing, so far, for me since becoming Professor's little girl, was when I sent him a snotty and extremely disrespectful email because I was in a bad mood. Professor and I do not live with one another or even relatively close to one another.....which might be a good thing at times for both of us....lol. If I lived 5 minutes away from Professor, I can see me coming home in the evening after misbehaving in some way to find him waiting for me.....I wouldn't have time to get out of my poor mood and rediscover my submission before facing him.....that could only end poorly for me and my bottom. I'll be moving a lot closer to Professor later this year, so perhaps I should keep that little scenario in mind and find a way to dissolve a bitchy mood before I come home at night.....or at the very least, before I give Professor a key to my house...lol.
So, anyway, we do not get to address my misbehavior the day it happens, or even the week it happens right now. That is good in the sense that by the time I am punished for it, I have had plenty of time to think about what I did wrong and contemplate steps to take to insure it does not happen again......but when it comes to the guilt or shame for doing it in the first place, it sucks. After I sent that email to Professor, literally 10-15 minutes later I began to regret it.....A LOT. I sent him IMs and emails. I spoke with him by phone the next morning. For over a week from sending it to the day we had our session to address it, I felt absolutely horrible. I apologized profusely but somehow, "I'm sorry" just doesn't seem to cover it for me. Those are mere words and can not take back the disrespect he felt when reading that bitchy email. I behaved perfectly after that email until we addressed it in person, hoping that maybe my actions would speak louder than my words of contrition. Professor knew I felt horrible, he told me via phone and email to stop apologizing, not to worry about it, that he had forgiven me, that we were fine......none of that mattered to me in the moment because regardless of what he said, I still felt about 2 inches tall. When we met to address it with a punishment session, I was just so disgusted with myself for ever doing it that I had an even more difficult time than normal maintaining eye contact with Professor. And when he made me read that email out loud to him, I honestly did not think I would be able to do it.....I told him "I can't". He insisted I do it and though it killed me to recite those words to him and see the expression on his face, I did read through it because he had insisted I do so and I wanted more than anything to please him. I know he hated that email and was upset that I had said those things to him, but I'm almost certain I was more angry at myself for doing it than he was. Though I hate to be punished, by the time I finished reading that email to him, I truly wanted him to punish me and I wanted it to hurt.
I am a 'spanko' and can enjoy any kind of spanking from role play, stress relief, maintenance, etc.....any kind of spanking EXCEPT a punishment spanking. The way I feel toward a spanking is always tied directly to the circumstances surrounding a spanking.....because of that reason, I HATE punishment spankings. I hate to disappoint Professor, I hate to disappoint myself, and the physical pain from a punishment spanking is very real and not something I enjoy at all. Even with all of that said, I *wanted* to be punished for that email, even though I was nervous and knew it would be intense, I wanted it. Professor knew I wanted to be punished for the email from minutes after I had sent it. He knew how upset I was at myself for doing it, he knew how guilty I was feeling, he knew I was ashamed. Perhaps more than any of that, Professor knew I NEEDED to be punished for it and he knew I needed it to be intense. Because Professor knew what I needed, he selected the implement I hate the most to do the job. I hated every searing swat from that rubber looped strap, but I could not move from position......I needed to feel his displeasure in order to feel I had been properly punished for doing it so I could let it go. Until he had punished me for it, I could not accept his forgiveness and I could not forgive myself. Professor could see that turmoil of guilt and shame inside of me and made sure to push me to a point that I felt I had paid for my mistake and could be forgiven.
So I know that if I argued my 'need' for a 'Get out of a spanking pass', my Professor would certainly bring up the fact that when I fail, when I fall short, when I completely screw up.....I am consumed by guilt and shame and remorse for what I've done and I can not let it go, I can not forgive myself, I can not accept Professor's forgiveness, I can not move forward until I feel like I have truly paid the price for the mistake I made.
Over the last several days I have gone through an incredible transition.......from on day #1, wanting to call my Professor and plead with him for a 'Get out of a spanking pass' because I am a bit jealous that everyone else seems to have and/or get to use them.....to now, on day #4, knowing in my head that my Professor would NEVER allow me to use such a 'pass' to escape responsibility for my errors in judgement and knowing in my heart that I am a really lucky girl because my Professor loves me enough to always hold me accountable. So I am happy to report that the 'Get out of a spanking pass' argument has been settled in our relationship, without me even having to annoy Professor with the argument in the first place. Even though Professor did not even have to entertain this discussion personally, his voice in my head was sufficient and extremely convincing. :) So, no 'Get out of a spanking pass' is allowed to be used by this naughty Irish imp.....and somehow, I am okay with that. More than 'okay' with it honestly; I know that though I will hate it every single time it has to happen, I am very grateful that my Professor will ALWAYS hold me accountable for my behavior and will ALWAYS punish me when I deserve to be taken to task for my naughtiness and no 'pass' is going to save my naughty bottom from what Professor determines I deserve. I was born Irish and stubborn as a mule....lol....but I have found my match in an extremely strict Disciplinarian. My Professor's determination and resolve to tame his naughty Irish imp and raise a well-rounded, happy, successful and well-behaved girl is no match for my stubbornness. :)