05/10/2012
Okay so
when I told Professor what I said and how I behaved when I got pulled over this
week....he was less than pleased.....not a surprise there. But when I
apologized, he said “Uh huh. Here we go with the I’m sorry Sir and
Yes Sir and No Sir in a cute little contrite tone of voice. Think that’s going
to help you little girl? You’ve said it before and here you are yet again doing
it, so on Friday I will make sure you are sorry.” I didnt care for that
response.....but I can't dictate how the man speaks, so I guess I'll have to get
over it.
Anyway, my over-analyzing that statement from him and why I seem to keep
committing this 'confrontational' offense......I think I might have figured out
why he replied the way he did.....tell me what you all think.
Anytime I apologize to Professor, I do sincerely mean it.....if I didnt
mean it, I wouldnt say it. Now sometimes I am sorry for what I did because it
was really ignorant and I let myself down too by doing it.....like drinking with
heart meds, speeding recklessly, etc. But any time he has called me on
confrontation I'm not sure I am regretting the confrontational incident itself.
I am sorry but I think I am sorry that I upset him. Does this make sense to
anyone else? Like I tried to explain to him in an email, I know I am educated
and articulate enough to get my point across without being a sassy bitch.....but
sometimes the thrill I get from being that way is kind of amusing.....especially
toward an authority figure, if I can get under their skin, its a good day. Kind
of distorted logic, I know and ridiculously juvenile to think like that. I'll
analyze that later on.....back to the apologies.
Have you ever apologized but not been truly sorry for the offense? As I
said, if I am saying "Im sorry Sir" then I do mean it but I think when it comes
to my confrontational tendencies, I am apologizing because I know I have
disappointed my Professor, I know he expects better from me, I know he has
taught me better, I know when I choose to engage in unnecessary confrontation it
displeases him.....and I *hate* that. I hate knowing that I put that look on his
face & the tone of his voice is just an unnerving. So I AM always sorry if I've done anything
other than please him. But I think maybe he blew off my apology because he
senses this too.....maybe he knows I am sorry it has irritated him but not for
the offense he has tried so hard, so many times to show me is wrong and not
worth the little thrill Im getting from doing it. I know he is certainly tired
of repeating himself.....he doesn't have to, I could recite this lecture for
him. 'Every time you test authority, it weakens that authority. Think about it
Natalie Lynn, if everyone spoke to the police or the courts the way you do, we
would have total chaos.' Yep, I've heard it enough I could recite it verbatim.
Which probably only pisses him off even more because I know how he will react
and it is still not a strong enough deterrent for me to shut my loud, snotty,
sassy mouth when I get pulled over.
I used to think of the traffic offenses as
a game that I always won with the police & the courts. Once I became
Professor's girl, I try really hard NOT to get pulled over anymore and I know
thats how I should be anyway, regardless. I'm a mother and a professional and
the way I was driving was ignorant and dangerous. I remember the first time I
got pulled over after becoming Professor's girl.....it was actually just days
after he had punished me for my driving.....I did not say one sassy thing to the
cop who stopped me, not one....which was a first. I actually cried, which had
never happened before, because I knew Professor was going to be so upset with me
and I hated that. How, then, do I go right back to cursing at a police officer
who pulls me over now??? It is enough to make my head spin. I dont understand my
own logic some days. I know I'm Irish and have a hot head, a lead foot and a
short temper.....not a good combo. But I also know I CAN control it.....if I
choose to. So why, at times, do I NOT choose to?
Any thoughts or ideas or other theories would be appreciated ladies. I'm
all sorts of confused at the moment. All I do know is Im going to be seeing
Professor tomorrow (Friday) and I *AM* sorry.....really, truly sorry......but I
am sorry for displeasing him, for disappointing my Disciplinarian, for upsetting
Professor....not for being a bitch to the cop.
I was just going to say welcome and hope you enjoy meeting people on blogs, but I'm going to take a chance and say something you might not like. One of my best friends was rear-ended in an accident this week. She had a brand-new baby in the car who could have been seriously hurt. Another friend was cut off almost exactly in the way you described about 5 months ago and is still in physical therapy to recover. Paying for the medical bills has wiped out her savings, and now she's had to move in with her (semi-abusive) mom. Yes, she's taking legal action but it takes a very, very long time. Another good friend, an extremely careful driver, was in an accident about a year ago and is still terrified to drive now. So if I'm feeling sympathetic to how you describe yourself driving and acting afterward, not really. You're probably not going to like this comment very much because, as you say, you're not sorry for what you did, but what I'm trying to say is that the police officer was just doing his job. He didn't get a medal for writing you a ticket, and stopping drivers like you is what helps to prevent accidents to people like my friends. It might be fun and games to you, but when my friend was rushed to the ER in an ambulance it wasn't fun and games for her.
ReplyDeleteI know this will sound like lecturing and I am nearly certain you won't like this comment (if you choose to publish it), but maybe thinking about things like this will help you to understand why your Professor is upset. I hope for your sake that you can start to understand so you can have a productive meeting with him and really learn from your discipline.
Ana.....thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. I wanted to first clear up when I said I am not sorry for my actions, I was NOT at all talking about the way I drive.....I know I speed and pass dangerously and I am very sorry for doing that and working extremely hard to change my old driving habits. When I said I was not sorry.....I was referring to my being snotty to the cop or having too much sass and attitude. My driving is something I am beyond sorry for and trying to change every day and I have improved significantly in it but will still on occasion, like passing this cop, do something ignorant and I always immediately inform my Disciplinarian so it can be addressed and I can be held accountable for it. I am so sorry to hear the things that happened to your friends and I truly do not ever want to be the cause of something like that happening to anyone else. I am also a mother....to a 4yr old little boy who only has one parent left, me...and I am fighting to change so many of my bad habits so I am around for him and set the best example that I possibly can. And.....probably pointing out more ignorance in my driving.....I am a nurse and I work in emergency medicine.....so I see every day what happens as a result of speeding, drunk driving, distracted driving, road rage, aggressive driving, etc. I dont want to ever hurt anyone else as a result of my ignorant road rage.
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful that people like you, Ana, read my blog and leave comments with heart wrenching reminders of what I could cause if I do not change. Thank you. I also am incredibly thankful that my Professor holds me to the standards that he has set so high and refuses to accept anything less than those standards.....in every aspect of my life, but especially my driving. Professor addressed my driving at our very first session and since that day I have not driven after drinking even once, I have not driven triple digit speeds.....I no longer text while driving either. I have been stopped for speeding twice now but both were speeds within 10 miles of the limit, far from how I had been prior to finding the disciplinary influence I had been lacking. I still have a few things that I need to improve on as far as my driving goes, but I am going to keep at it until Professor & I are both satisfied.....then we will work on other issues together to continue to help me grow and improve.
Please know that when I said I was not sorry...it was not at all for the driving, it was for my attitude toward the cop.....and now, after a heart to heart with Professor, I can say I actually do regret that as well and will be making contact with that trooper to apologize for the way I spoke to him. Thank you again Ana for the stories to remind me of what I am risking to others.....and thank you for not feeling sorry for me.....and thank you for reading my blog and leaving honest comments.....of course I will publish it. I would rather have a person tell me the truth even if it is not pretty than to tell me what I want to hear when it is not true or helpful. Thanks!
I want to add something to what Ana said. My cousin was killed by someone who was driving drunk and speeding. My cousin had slowed to make a legal left turn. The guy who hit him tried to pass on the left while my cousin was turning, broadsiding him. My cousin never had a chance. He was dead at 25. His fiancee was in the car with him. Her physical injuries were not bad, but she was devastated emotionally. So were his parents. The drunk was charged with vehicular homicide. I don't know how long his jail sentence is. Who will take care of your son if you are in jail? I hope the thought of doing that much damage to yourself, your family, and others on the road scares you a LOT more than thought of whatever the Prof may do (or has done) to you.
ReplyDeleteI do think it's great that you are going to apologize to the trooper. I was shocked to learn that one of the most dangerous things a police officer can do is make a traffic stop. I don't remember the exact figures, but a very high percentage of cops who are shot in the line of duty were doing just that. So, I think it's best not to make their job any more stressful.
Now, for something lighter. Know what book I've been reading for the last week? "Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History" by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. She is a Professor in the history department at Harvard and the originator of the saying. What a coincidence to find it here.
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ReplyDeleteSue thank you for your comments and I am so sorry about what happened to your cousin. Things like that are senseless tragedies and one of the biggest reasons I again sought a disciplinarian to help curb my behaviors. I would never want to cause such pain to another persons life, nor would I want to leave my son without his mother. That is a huge motivating factor for me in changing all of my negative behaviors. My son is my world and motivates me every day to improve and set the best example I can for him. Professor is also a huge motivation for me to change. I am never and have never been 'scared' of him punishing me.....by the time I am to be punished, as much as I know the spanking will hurt, I almost want it so I can be forgiven and have a clean slate to move forward again. I don't want to please him from a fear of how he will discipline me.....it is out of respect for him that I aim to please him. If getting a harsh spanking was all I had to be concerned with, it likely wouldn't be much of a deterrent. For me, what makes the discipline effective is the emotional bond and attachment that is the foundation of what we do. Professor is an amazing man and I respect him tremendously, admire him as a person, look up to him and want only to make him proud of me. When I do something I know has displeased him, it breaks my heart because I know I'm not just going to be spanked. I am going to have to see the look on his face that tells me I have let him down. I will have to hear the disappointment in his voice. His lecture will break my heart and leave no doubt in my mind as to how much my ignorant behavior has upset him. I *hate* to let him down and when I know I have.....that knowledge is far worse to me than any spanking ever could be.
ReplyDeleteYes, police officers have a very thankless job and risk their lives every single day they pin on that badge. I have several law enforcement personnel in my family and small group of friends and I am ashamed of the way I at times, speak to their colleagues. It is not at all appropriate.
Lol....yes Dr Ulrich is a genius! Her writing is amazing and I enjoyed that book tremendously. :) The saying is just soooo true and I had to adopt it. :)
TO EVERYONE who commented and/or emailed me privately about this post and my ignorant attitude and logic regarding this situation.....thank you all so much for caring enough to point out that you did not feel sorry for me and what I was trying to justify was ignorant. I had considered deleting this post because of how much it seemed to upset other people BUT I think I should leave it up so anytime I think I can be confrontational and justify it or feel sorry for myself that I am going to be held accountable for some ridiculous behavior, I can come back and read this post and remind myself just how stupid my irrational 'logic' can be at times. So again, thank you all so much for your honesty and your support. I appreciate it. And I did just post the punishment session for this offense (It Really Isn't Worth It) since so many of you emailed asking for it.
I really want you to succeed. I was thinking that when I last posted, but neglected to say it.
ReplyDeleteI just finished Dr. Ulrich's book. I agree - very well written and enjoyable.