Okay so when I told Professor what I said and how I behaved when I got pulled over this week....he was less than pleased.....not a surprise there. But when I apologized, he said “Uh huh. Here we go with the I’m sorry Sir and Yes Sir and No Sir in a cute little contrite tone of voice. Think that’s going to help you little girl? You’ve said it before and here you are yet again doing it, so on Friday I will make sure you are sorry.” I didnt care for that response.....but I can't dictate how the man speaks, so I guess I'll have to get over it.
Anyway, my over-analyzing that statement from him and why I seem to keep committing this 'confrontational' offense......I think I might have figured out why he replied the way he did.....tell me what you all think.
Anytime I apologize to Professor, I do sincerely mean it.....if I didnt mean it, I wouldnt say it. Now sometimes I am sorry for what I did because it was really ignorant and I let myself down too by doing it.....like drinking with heart meds, speeding recklessly, etc. But any time he has called me on confrontation I'm not sure I am regretting the confrontational incident itself. I am sorry but I think I am sorry that I upset him. Does this make sense to anyone else? Like I tried to explain to him in an email, I know I am educated and articulate enough to get my point across without being a sassy bitch.....but sometimes the thrill I get from being that way is kind of amusing.....especially toward an authority figure, if I can get under their skin, its a good day. Kind of distorted logic, I know and ridiculously juvenile to think like that. I'll analyze that later on.....back to the apologies.
Have you ever apologized but not been truly sorry for the offense? As I said, if I am saying "Im sorry Sir" then I do mean it but I think when it comes to my confrontational tendencies, I am apologizing because I know I have disappointed my Professor, I know he expects better from me, I know he has taught me better, I know when I choose to engage in unnecessary confrontation it displeases him.....and I *hate* that. I hate knowing that I put that look on his face & the tone of his voice is just an unnerving. So I AM always sorry if I've done anything other than please him. But I think maybe he blew off my apology because he senses this too.....maybe he knows I am sorry it has irritated him but not for the offense he has tried so hard, so many times to show me is wrong and not worth the little thrill Im getting from doing it. I know he is certainly tired of repeating himself.....he doesn't have to, I could recite this lecture for him. 'Every time you test authority, it weakens that authority. Think about it Natalie Lynn, if everyone spoke to the police or the courts the way you do, we would have total chaos.' Yep, I've heard it enough I could recite it verbatim. Which probably only pisses him off even more because I know how he will react and it is still not a strong enough deterrent for me to shut my loud, snotty, sassy mouth when I get pulled over.
I used to think of the traffic offenses as a game that I always won with the police & the courts. Once I became Professor's girl, I try really hard NOT to get pulled over anymore and I know thats how I should be anyway, regardless. I'm a mother and a professional and the way I was driving was ignorant and dangerous. I remember the first time I got pulled over after becoming Professor's girl.....it was actually just days after he had punished me for my driving.....I did not say one sassy thing to the cop who stopped me, not one....which was a first. I actually cried, which had never happened before, because I knew Professor was going to be so upset with me and I hated that. How, then, do I go right back to cursing at a police officer who pulls me over now??? It is enough to make my head spin. I dont understand my own logic some days. I know I'm Irish and have a hot head, a lead foot and a short temper.....not a good combo. But I also know I CAN control it.....if I choose to. So why, at times, do I NOT choose to?
Any thoughts or ideas or other theories would be appreciated ladies. I'm all sorts of confused at the moment. All I do know is Im going to be seeing Professor tomorrow (Friday) and I *AM* sorry.....really, truly sorry......but I am sorry for displeasing him, for disappointing my Disciplinarian, for upsetting Professor....not for being a bitch to the cop.