Naughty Irish Imp

Naughty Irish Imp

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Rational Mind VS Submissive Heart

I had a pretty nice day today. Woke up way too early to drive down and see my Professor. Not for a session.....actually, not even for us to really spend any time together at all.....I drove down just to see him speak at an event he has been busy preparing for the last few weeks. I hadnt planned on the morning commute traffic and even though Id left home at 515am, I still got there 45min late, around 1045am. I found my name tag and rushed upstairs to the auditorium and I made it with 10mins to spare before the only person I wanted to hear speak, would be addressing the room. :) Even my Natalie-time worked out today. :)
As I walked into the back of the auditorium, I glanced around the room and to the right standing back against the wall, was my Professor. He smiled at me and with his left hand down at his side he curled his finger at me, in that "come here" gesture your parents always used when you were in trouble as a I kind of really like when he does that to me....its a gesture I put into my category of "quiet displays of dominance".....same category I have things like grabbing hold of the wrist, tightening a grip in my hair, reaching an arm out behind him so youll hurry up and catch up to him.....quietly possessive and pretty darn cute.....unless Im in trouble. :) I smiled and walked over to stand beside him.
"You made it." He whispered down to me. "Of course I did. You look really nice Professor." I said as I gave him the once over. I'd never seen him in a suit before. He was wearing a navy blue suit, sky blue button-down shirt & he even had on a tie. And even though Id teased him on the phone this morning at 7am when we spoke, I was wrong, he did in fact know how to tie his tie. Lol. He smiled at me, "Thank you." I giggled quietly and said, "You clean up nicely. Who'd of ever thought." He gave me one of those 'behave' looks but smiled again. We had to be very quiet, there was still a speaker at the podium and a room full of people intently listening.
I attempted to listen to the speaker but couldnt really concentrate just yet; I hadnt seen Professor in a month and wanted so bad to hug him and get all chatty and eventually end up over his knee just for fun.....ughhh, not no no.....cant today, next week it will be just us but today it is us in a room full of 200 academics, politicians, military brass, law enforcement, media and many more students and on-lookers.....yep, not exactly, to use a Professor phrase, 'the right time and place.' So cant exactly have him to myself today, but I can still be a pretty content girl being in the same room and admiring how well he looks in that suit and listening to that deep, penetrating voice and learning more about his work and getting to see first hand what he has created in the last 20years. No spanking, but a pretty happy girl anyway. :)

As the speaker at the podium wrapped up his speaking, Professor leaned down and whispered to me, "Pay attention, you'll be quizzed on this later." I rolled my eyes and giggled, damn my luck finding my Disciplinarian in a professor. Lol. He walked off to the front of the auditorium and I stayed where I was, watching him. I smiled as her started speaking, love that voice. I couldn't help but laugh when he ran into technological issues while he was speaking. I always find this amusing because technology is what he does, so it is always entertaining when technology misbehaves for him. I'm sure he finds it less than amusing, and was probably thinking Microsoft Power Point needed a spanking. Lol. :)

After he finished, three other speakers followed him before they broke for lunch. Having just had jaw surgery 5 days before, I cant eat I took the break time to go outside and return calls & check voicemails. As things began again, I took a seat at the back of the room and listened to the post-lunch speakers. I have to admit, Id come down here to see my Professor, but I actually do find what he does pretty interesting and I might have actually been learning something from these speakers....just don't tell Professor that, or he might really quiz me. :)

I sat quietly listening and then started texting on my phone. I was busy composing and hadn't realized the 'visitor' standing to my left side until it was too late. "You never put that thing down." His voice startled me and I quickly returned my phone to my handbag and looked up to see my Professor leaning over me. "Wait, where did you come from? You were just down there." I whispered. He laughed at me and then exited the room. I waited a minute or two and then followed suit. 

Now outside of the auditorium, I saw him and walked over to him. "I promise I wasn't playing with my phone and I was still paying attention, I was actually texting you Sir." He smiled down at me, "Uh huh. How are you feeling? You're talking a little bit better." I replied, "It is feeling a little better each day, still sore but I'll survive." We continued to speak for a few minutes, playing 'catch up' on several subjects we really hadn't spoken to one another much about in the last few weeks, minus a few newsy emails. A woman walked up and spoke to him, for a second I almost didn't stop speaking, suppose it didn't register immediately that she was addressing him. She called him by his first name which I'm not used to hearing. I know he does have a name....his mother didn't name him Professor or I never call him by his name and don't think I ever will, just a bit too casual for my liking. He walked off to speak with her and I went back to my phone.....while continuing to look over my shoulder, so I wouldn't be surprised again. :)

He came back to me and we spoke another minute or two and then a speaker he wanted to hear was taking the podium, so he walked back into the back of the auditorium and I followed. I put my phone in my handbag and stood quietly next to him listening to the speaker. About 3 minutes into this mans' speaking, an entirely different conversation started at the back of the room. And even now, today, Im not certain if my Professor was even aware of this dialogue and still have no idea if he was an engaged, willing participant in the conversation.....perhaps I'll ask him later. Anyway, I've mentioned several times in this blog that communication is 77% non-verbal, so here is a picture perfect example of that.

I was tilting up and down on my heels and watching the man at the podium, when out of the corner of my eye, I caught Professor moving. He was still standing right next to me, but he had folded his arms across his chest. I'm an observant girl, and a crazy over analyzer but even if I wasn't either of those, I would have still taken notice of this posturing. Again, I'm not even certain he did this intentionally, but in that moment it didn't matter, I have sort of built-in responses to seeing certain body language from him and I can't turn them off. Now, obviously, in my rational mind I knew darn well that even if he was less than pleased with me, I was relatively safe in our current surroundings. I was pretty certain he would not address any of my behavior right now, even if I had been stupid enough to misbehave here, I doubt I'd get scolded, perhaps just 'that look' (which is more than effective and would have immediately stopped whatever I was doing at the moment if I saw it), but I felt relatively safe in my rational mind. And I knew he certainly wouldn't be spanking me here in our current company. But all of this in my rational mind did absolutely nothing to quiet the submissive mind and/or heart that has automatic responses to this posture from my Disciplinarian. I have these same responses to him placing his hands on his hips, him tucking his hand underneath my chin to tilt my face up to meet his gaze, him slowly unbuttoning and starting to roll up the sleeve on his left arm. They aren't responses I can control; his body language, his facial expressions, the tone of his voice.....those are the controlling factors and I simply have pre-wired responses to these things and immediately go in to 'auto-pilot.'

I stepped back down off of my heels and actually took a slight step backward. My hands immediately fell to my side and I slightly lowered my head. I tried to continue listening to the man speaking to the room but paid close attention to the man in my peripheral vision. My stomach started to get that uneasy, butterfly feeling and my heart was racing as he held his stance. I suddenly realized that if anyone happened to glance in our direction, they would likely see me very visibly pouting in public and I couldn't stop it. Not only could I not stop it, I honestly didn't care that I couldn't stop it nor did I care what anyone who saw it would think about it. Honestly, when I am with him and in the mindset that his 'all business body language' puts me into, a very overwhelming subspace, nothing else matters to me in the moment and if others are around us then what they think doesn't matter to me either. Much like when he called me on being careless and forgetting how he would enter the hotel at the start of a discipline session. He had me just inside the door of the building, in a very public stairwell with housekeeping just feet away from us, and he scolded only thought at that time was how could I fix it; what the housekeepers thought about him scolding me and describing the spanking he was about to administer did not concern me at all. If he had spanked me there in that stairwell, I wouldn't have protested at all, I would have immediately obeyed him and submitted. And here, today, if he had wanted to correct me for something, even in this room full of people, I would have immediately submitted to him.

Rationally I knew I was safe and perhaps Professor was just listening intently but subconsciously and submissively I couldn't rationalize anything. In that moment all that seemed to register was this repeating warning message in my head, 'Danger Danger Danger. He is not happy and you're within striking distance. Danger Danger Danger.' I hesitantly looked up at him, trying to gauge his mood by stealing a quick glance at the look on his face. I saw serious and that was more than enough for me, I looked away and again tried to focus on the speaker at the podium, standing very still next to him and continuing to allow my body language to subtly offer my submission. 

The next few moments that passed seemed to drag on forever before he finally uncrossed his arms and let them fall to his sides. I breathed a sigh of relief but continued to stay on high alert, taking note of every movement he made. The man at the podium finished his speech and the auditorium broke into applause and quiet chit chat. We both clapped and then it was time for him to return to the front of the room. He turned to me and he smiled down at me, and that inspires its own natural response from me. Another non-verbal action that elicits a pre-wired flood of emotion and responses. It tells me that my Professor is pleased and for a naughty girl with an inner submissive core, that is the ultimate goal that I try to work toward each day, pleasing my Professor. I don't always achieve it and sometimes I even fall flat on my face and miss that target by so much that it is laughable, but the times that I do succeed.......that is enough to make me want to work harder at it the next day. I smiled back at him and watched as he left me to return to his seat down in the front with his colleagues, still smiling to myself and admiring him from a distance. I wasn't just being a brat when I'd first entered this room and spoke to him 4 hours ago, he honestly does look pretty darn good in a suit. :) 

I had a pretty good day, I learned a few things and I enjoyed being here. On the drive down I'd thought I'd only be able to see Professor from a distance and minus a quick wave or something, I didn't think I'd even be able to talk with him at all today. So I was pleasantly surprised. I would have been content with not being able to speak with him and just watching him in his own element and listening to his deep voice and just being in the same general location as he was. But I am happy that I got more than that. I've said it before, I'll say it again, the man is amazing and the way he is with me, the way I feel when I'm next to him.....I couldn't have asked for more. :)

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