Sunday, June 30, 2013
His Eyes Speak Volumes
He can communicate with me in so very many ways; but nothing speaks more intently to me than his eyes. I've heard the eyes are windows to the soul and it may very well be true. Of course his deep, resounding voice and the words he chooses to use will elicit reaction from me. As will his hands raining down hard, stinging swats or softly caressing my skin. But this man's eyes have a power over me that I can not explain. They are absolutely gorgeous......dark, deep, expressive.
Most of the time, his eyes are warm and inviting and I love to look into them. Even in scene, when that cold, dark wall rises I can enjoy watching the sadistic flash in his eyes. And even if I am not looking into them......I can always feel them when I am with him. When I am facing the corner or have my face in a pillow or am kneeling in front of him with my eyes downcast......I can literally feel his eyes on me and adore that strength of subconscious connection that we share.
But there has always been a look I can not remain stoic or composed under for long......and I see that look in those enticing brown eyes only when I have really, seriously screwed up.......it is a glare of disappointment and it will break me every time I see it. I absolutely hate the accompanying facial expressions, tone of voice, body language.......but it is his eyes that speak deeper to me........it is his eyes that reach into my heart.
I recently did something insanely ignorant and was caught almost immediately.......and had to face my Dom just hours later to answer for my actions. I once again had to see that look of disappointment in his eyes and it broke my heart. It is a mixture of emotions that combine to result in disappointment.......he was shocked at my blatant ignorance/arrogance because he knows that I know better.......he was angry that I would do something so dangerous.......he hated that I had disobeyed him intentionally to do what I wanted in the moment.......he was worried about me.......and perhaps more than anything else, he loved me. It's that last part I think that makes me respond the way I do when I see his disappointment in me. Processing just anger would be a piece of cake........it is seeing his love & concern written all over his face and recognizing I've really let him down that just inflicts such a stinging blow.
He has the ability to cause me serious pain without ever touching me and he knows it......and is very restrained in his wielding that power. I know damn well that when I see that look in his eyes......I have pushed way too far & I absolutely deserve the reaction I am receiving......but it doesn't make it much easier to endure. Any time I have disappointed him, I've probably been harder on myself than he would be and I suppose in that aspect, his punishing me is almost a gift because the physical pain can help me to let go of the emotional turmoil. I just hate to see that look in his eyes.......I immediately want to turn away, look down or hug him tightly hiding my face in his chest.......anything to escape that penetrating glare.......but he will insist I maintain eye contact until he's certain I've received the message. There is nothing that will bring me to tears & contrition quicker than seeing that look. I love him, respect him and need to please him.........I fell far short of that this time.
I will eventually write about this specific session, but for now I am still just lost in this man's eyes.