06/28/2013
I stood facing the corner trying to slow my erratic mind. I was nervous.....beyond nervous. I could feel Dad's eyes on me as I faced that wall and my heart was beating so hard it was the only sound I could hear. I've always had an issue with nervous silence......the pent up anxiety & frayed nerves will eventually start to overwhelm me and I'll giggle. Despite the inappropriate timing or dire circumstances......I'll simply start to laugh.......which isn't as much of an issue in the waiting room of a doctor's office or backed-up traffic when I'm running late.......but catching a case of the giggles while standing in the corner with my angry father determining my coming punishment for an offense as serious as driving intoxicated?? NOT SMART!
I tried so hard to stifle my pending laughter.....disguise it as coughing......to no avail......I was giggling and it was quite apparent.
"Turn around now." Dad ordered. The giggles I'd tried so hard to mute seconds before quickly evaporated and were replaced by immediate regret as I slowly spun on my heels to face my father. His expressive, dark brown eyes locked onto my quickly tearing emerald orbs and held me pinned where I stood. He didn't speak to me for a couple minutes but his cold, steely glare spoke volumes. I stepped back slightly until the wall was to my back and I prayed that corner would swallow me up. My stomach was in knots as I wrapped my arms around my body, trying in vain to reassure myself.
Dad stood up from the chair he'd been sitting in, keeping his eyes on mine as he spoke, "Hands at your side." I dropped my hands and stood softly chewing the corner of my bottom lip as he glared through me. "Take two steps forward Natalie Lynn." He commanded. I lowered my eyes and slowly inched forward.....closer to him, as instructed.
"Hold your hands out in front of you and close your eyes." I hesitated, my mind in free fall again wondering if he was going to restrain me or cuff my wrists together. Daddy & I have discussed physical restraint but he has not ever used it aside from pinning my hand to the small of my back with his own hand a time or two. I am a control freak and the idea of physical restraints has always been a loaded topic for me......on one hand I could never imagine submitting to that level of loss of control but on the other hand, with my Daddy, the idea is incredibly appealing....intriguing.....stimulating even.....I trust him with everything in me and know he would always protect me so that level of complete power exchange with him is definitely something I long to experience. But at this moment......the thought as it crossed my mind made me hesitate.......again, not a smart move during serious punishment.
"NOW!" He barked so loudly it seemed to echo off the walls. My entire body jumped and I quickly did as I was told; outstretching my trembling arms and closing my eyes tightly. I waited what seemed an eternity before he spoke again, "Now, keeping your eyes closed, touch your nose with your index finger, right first then left." I was confused but did as instructed. The moment I'd completed the task with my left hand, Dad's strong right hand locked around my wrist and spun me quickly around as his left arm harshly swung down his heavy paddle onto my bottom several times.
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
I squealed as Dad marched me back to the corner. He released my wrist and stood immediately behind my shaking body, pinning me to the corner with his body.......any time he locks me into place with his body it makes my head spin. The sunlight peeking through the open curtain cast our shadows perfectly on the wall. A black and white silhouette of a short girl pressed into the corner by a much taller man directly behind her......the sight made me smile briefly......a daddy and his naughty daughter. :)
Dad's left hand skimmed my cheek as he swept my long, red hair back over my shoulder, exposing my ear to him as he leaned in to speak to me, "Now.....you've had several hours to sober up and you completed the orientation test without any problem.....so you're certainly not drunk anymore.....you're sober......correct Natalie Lynn?" His whispering in my ear again making my head spin......his voice was silky smooth, soft but markedly firm. I softly answered back to him, "Yes Sir, I'm completely sober."
No sooner had the words left my lips than his left hand smacked against the wall.....SLAP..... inches from my face causing me to jump before freezing in place, shocked.....stunned. I held my breath.....my body shook.....my heart pounding wildly against my ribcage.
"Then there is NO reason for you to be laughing! There isn't a damn thing about this that is funny, Lynn! Do you understand me? My little girl decided to go out pound 4 drinks in an hour and then get behind the wheel of a car! There is NOTHING funny about that!" He lectured; his tone of voice cold & rigid, only enforcing the panic caused by his slapping the wall.
His left hand stayed on the wall, my eyes locked onto it.......his right hand quickly entwined in my hair, tightening a fistful into his grip at the nape of my neck and quickly yanking my head around to face him. I hesitantly peered up at him, seeking his reassurance, tears threatening to spill onto my cheeks at any moment.....his eyes narrowed at mine initially and I quickly lowered mine in a silent offering of my submission to him. I stared down at the floor, lost in regret and worry, tears slowly escaping my eyes. I was shaking and wanted so badly to apologize for giggling.....to apologize for exceeding my drink limit.....to apologize for driving drunk........I simply couldn't speak. All I could do was tremble and sob.
I knew Dad could feel me shaking and knew he'd certainly gotten my attention. He spoke again, his tone much gentler this time, "Natalie look at me." I wanted to obey him but I couldn't; I would completely lose it if I saw that look on his face again. I was so ashamed of myself for what I'd done last night, but now I'd made it far worse by laughing at him. I knew in my rational mind that his hitting the wall was strategic and measured, used to gain my undivided attention & chase away any remaining giggles.........but in my irrational mind I worried he was angry enough to leave me. I have hidden insecurities like this and it isn't often they are inflamed, but today had certainly struck that nerve and I was scared.....so sorry and so scared.
Dad feeling my body shaking as he held his firm grip in my hair and my failing to obey his instruction to regain eye contact made it apparent to him that I was scared by him slapping the wall. His left hand cupped my chin and he slowly raised my face to look into my eyes. I peered up at him, tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. His eyes softened as he gazed down at me. He released his grasp on my hair and quickly pulled me into him, wrapping his strong arms securely around me and hugging me tight. I balled my fists in his shirt and clung tightly to his chest, crying softly as relief washed over my body.
"Daddy I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...please don't leave me...tell me you still love me...please...I'm so sorry." I cried into his chest as he held me tightly. He took hold of me by the shoulders and looked down into my puffy, green eyes as he softly spoke to me, "I'm not leaving you, you know better than that. I'm not going anywhere...particularly right now...I have an important lesson to teach my daughter about driving drunk. Clear?" I sniffled as I replied, "Yes Sir. Daddy I'm sorry. Please don't be angry." I cried and pulled back into him, wrapping my arms tight around his waist and hugging him.
He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me onto his lap, stroking down the length of my hair as he answered, "Natalie I'm not angry...I would never punish you when I was angry. Initially I was scared and as soon as I knew you were safe then yes, I was angry. The anger has subsided and right now I am 2 things......disappointed and determined to teach you a lesson. I will not ever overlook you doing something reckless and dangerous that could hurt my little girl; do you understand me?" His words tore my little heart up.....I hate to disappoint my father. But the tone of his voice stung even more because I could hear the audible fear, worry and love behind his words.
Dad tilted my face up to meet his once again and added, "And of course I still love you.....it is because I love you that I care enough to punish you. You're my little girl.......I will always love you......always......nothing you could ever do would change that." I cried softly and replied, "I love you too, Daddy." He smiled at me and held me tightly to his chest for a few more minutes as I let his steady, soothing heartbeat slow my sobbing and relax my body, completely confident that he wasn't angry any more and we would be okay after all.
I held tight to him, not wanting to let go because I knew this spanking was going to be one to remember; but inevitably I knew it had to happen and in fact, I wanted to be punished so I could be forgiven. Dad hugged me tightly once more and then patted my bottom, my cue to stand up. I rose to my feet and awaited his further instruction. He stood and walked to the chair he'd placed in the middle of the room, sitting in it and curling his finger at me in that 'come here little girl' manner that daddies do so well. I slowly approached his left side and stopped just short of him, unbuttoning my jeans and slowly lowering them down over my hips before laying over his capable lap.
Daddy's left hand slowly skimmed my bottom before slipping his fingers between my skin and lace panties and yanking them roughly down to my knees to join my jeans. I crossed my ankles so I wouldn't kick my legs.
"You have a limit on how much you're allowed to drink for a reason and you know it. Last night you intentionally chose to disregard that limit, young lady. My daughter is not allowed to only selectively obey me and when she does, she is punished. Give me your hand, now." He ordered. I sniffled and slowly reached my left hand back to him, he took it tightly by the wrist and pinned it to the small of my back with his right hand. I held tightly to his ankle with my remaining hand as he spaced his feet further apart until my feet could no longer touch the ground and I was rendered helpless upended across his lap, my bottom & thighs in the picture-perfect OTK position and awaiting his treatment.
He reached for something from the desktop and I sobbed my apologies over my shoulder back to him, expecting him to be retrieving my oak hairbrush. "I'm so sorry Daddy." I felt cool, hard wood resting on my bared bottom and quickly realized by the size and weight of the implement that it certainly wasn't my hairbrush.....or even our bathbrush......nope, Dad had his heavy maple paddle sitting on my bottom. It is a sorority type paddle, the heaviest we own; and he only uses it for the most serious punishments. I sobbed softly. I knew I more than deserved the pending paddling but Daddy has *never* used this paddle on me without a hand or brush spanking first......I was absolutely dreading this. I meekly offered another apology, "Daddy I'm really sorry."
He tapped the paddle against my thighs a couple times as he replied, "Not yet you aren't......but I'm going to change that and give you a reason to be sorry now, young lady." His words made my stomach sink and I braced for the paddling to begin as Daddy took it in his left hand. I peered back at him over my shoulder and his chocolate brown eyes locked onto mine, that unmistakable wall rising darkening his eyes even more as they flashed with cold, disciplinary resolve.......I bit the corner of my lip and watched helplessly as he held tight to that wicked paddle and raised his strong, left arm up high above his shoulder................
*******TO BE CONTINUED**************
06/28/2013
"Where are you, Natalie Lynn?"
That's the text message I got at 7:15 this morning from Daddy. Feeling a bit giddy and a bit courageous and bratty, I replied.
"Good morning to you too. Why do you ask?"
A minute later....another beep.....he responded with:
"If you are not at the hotel, pull over & tell me where you are at so I can come get you...NOW."
Uh oh.....I reread that text a couple times....my liquid courage quickly dissipating as I realized by his request that he had to have known about last night. Shit! My mind began to panic, my stomach felt uneasy. I had planned to see Daddy today. I'm stressed and actually hadn't had much on my punishment list to be punished for so today's session would be a "good girl/just because/stress relief spanking"........at least that was the plan. DAMN IT!
See last night being overwhelmed & stressed to the max and having 12 hours before I would be seeing Daddy, I decided I needed some sort of release........so I originally went off to go swimming. However, the damn police seem to have issues with people swimming when there is lightening......so my "workout til I pass out" idea was shot down. Now what?? I began to drive back home but stopped in the city for gas and then saw this cute, quaint little pub across the street and I just *had* to go in.
It was already 2:15am and the bar would close at 3am......so I had to make up quickly for lost time. I have a drink limit put in place by my Dom and it is not negotiable.....and I know this.....I simply didn't care after a couple drinks. I ended up having 4......exceeding my hard limit by double. This would have been bad enough.....but my ignorance continued. I decided I would still drive myself home. My older brother texting to check on me, knew what was happening and was livid......I just didn't think he would email my Dad......I thought wrong.
Now, hours later, still slightly tipsy and rereading the text message.......I knew that he knew. I was screwed. This was bad......really, really bad. I texted Dad back and assured him I was safe and asked if he wanted to go to the beach......he wasn't amused, and told me to go stay at the hotel for a couple hours & sober up while he worked and then he would meet me later in the morning to "discuss" the previous nights events.
3 hours later, I paced up & down the hall of the hotel, my shaking hand holding my phone as I continued to read his earlier texts. My eyes welled with unshed tears. How could I have been so damn stupid?? I could literally feel the anger behind his messages to me. I knew he was angry...concerned...and disappointed. I don't think I could have felt any smaller than I did in that moment. Breaking a rule is bad enough......exceeding my drinking limit is not tolerated and that alone would have displeased him. But driving intoxicated?? I DON'T drive intoxicated! I know better! What was I thinking? He was going to kill me.
At 11am my phone rang as Daddy called to say he had arrived but couldn't get in the door. I walked toward the stairwell to go let him in when he said "Oh, thank you" to some random man who had opened the door for him. I bolted back to my room and rushed inside, slamming the door. I knew he was only seconds from me and I was scared to death. I felt horrible for the poor choices I had made and I knew I deserved any punishment he chose to administer, but I absolutely *hate* disappointing my Dad......I didn't want to see the look on his face. I just wanted to crawl under the bed and hide and wish this entire situation away. I've never had to face my Dad for this insanely ignorant offense......I've driven after drinking before but it is an offense he made crystal clear to me on day #1 that he wouldn't ever tolerate. Not only was it stupid, it was dangerous.....to me and to others. My internal panic gauge soared. Typically when I am punished, there is days to weeks between the offense and the punishment......even when I've really upset my Dad, he has plenty of time to calm down & assess the situation before holding me accountable......not this time......I was practically caught in the act.......red-handed.......and soon to be red-bottomed.
His knocking on the door seemed to boom & echo throughout the hotel room. It literally made me jump. I didn't want to open that door.....I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry......and as I contemplated, he knocked again. I walked over to unlatch the door. I peered out and there stood the towering frame of my father. I took a step back to let him in the room. As he entered and the door closed behind him, I began to fidget with my fingers as I looked down at the green carpet and awaited my fate. My eyes occasionally scanned my Dad's posture & body language before again locking on the floor. He stood inches from me, his strong arms folded across his broad chest in a typical agitated paternal stance that always makes me pout.
My mind was in a panicked free fall......he still had said nothing to me.....not a word. I was so scared that my body began to shake. I couldn't take the silence any longer and I meekly managed to say "I'm so sorry, Sir." My voice was very notably trembling. I watched his feet approach me, stopping directly in front of me, before closing my eyes tightly. I felt him pulling me into him, close to his chest as he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. I quickly locked my arms around his waist, holding tight to him. I just wanted to stay in his arms all day......as long as his arms are holding me, I am safe from his evil belt. But alas, he finally released his hold on me......taking me by the shoulders and holding me at arms length as he spoke.
"Look at me, young lady." His voice was eerily quiet and the anger, worry & disappointment was notable in every syllable he spoke. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for that glare as I slowly raised my eyes to make eye contact for the first time today. His gorgeous brown eyes were flashing that cold, sadistic stare that always makes me want to retreat my gaze immediately.....but I couldn't. It seemed an eternity before he spoke again. "It's good to see you.......ALIVE." I jumped as he raised his voice, my stomach feeling nauseous. I fought back the impending tears and softly said, "Daddy I'm sorry."
His eyes narrowed at mine and he quickly snapped back, "Shut your mouth. I don't want to hear it. Go put your nose in the corner, now." I lowered my eyes and retreated to the corner, dreading the coming punishment and lecture that were on the horizon.
*********TO BE CONTINUED***************
08/08/2013
No No No.......Not that kind of sub (although turkey with tomatoes, cucumber & provolone sounds pretty good.....yum.....lol).......Okay, enough about sandwiches, this is about a perfect submissive.
I wrote a few years ago about what I envisioned the *perfect* Dom would be.......the other day, my younger spanko sister asked me to forward it to her. She & I talked some about what I had written and how eerily similar my Daddy Dom is to what I had put on paper so many years ago.....as if I had dreamed this man into reality.....I'll post that writing another time, but I will say it truly is astounding how amazingly similar my Daddy is to what I had penned my "fantasy Dom" to be several years before Daddy & I even met.
Any way, following my sister & I's discussion about my writing of a perfect Dominant, she asked for my thoughts on a perfect submissive. She is 8 years younger than I am and as naturally spanko as I am myself, so we often discuss the topic and she turns to me for advice or to ask questions, etc.
"What is a perfect submissive?"........."How will I know how to be a perfect sub?"
I listened to her and explained that "perfect", just as beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.
But later that night, lying in my bed curled up with my darling dachshunds, her questions came back to me. I thought.........I pondered.........I wondered.........I analyzed.
Could there truly be perfection in submission? And if so, what would it look like? How would it be defined?
I know, without a doubt, that I am certainly *not* perfect........in my submission or any other facet of my life.
But in my submission to my Daddy, I long to be perfect.......I strive to be *His* perfect little girl.
I am always learning......I try so hard to learn my lessons the first time, so as not to make him repeat himself over & over which causes him annoyance. I don't intentionally misbehave or act out.......I am not a brat on purpose.......my discipline is not a game to me (or to Daddy), he is patiently teaching & guiding me to truly better myself in areas of my life that I simply have no restraint or struggle to do what I know is right.
I make mistakes....I fail.....I fall short.....I disappoint.....I slip up......I struggle.....I disobey.....I let my Daddy down at times, and I let myself down too.
Each time I fall down, he extends his strong hand to help me back up to try again. He will never accept any less than my best......he will not sugarcoat anything for me......he will not simply tell me what I want to hear. When I fail, he will be brutally honest with me and hold me accountable. I work to always accept my punishment with grace......I do not struggle......I do not resist......I fight to keep my hands from instinctively attempting to protect my burning bottom........I keep my audible discontent to a minimum, choking back my sobs and accepting each searing swat I know I have earned. I am contrite and eager to endure my punishment and pay for my misdeeds in order to receive his forgiveness.....be given a clean slate again......and held in his strong arms.
I always strive to win my Dom's approval........I aim to please Him.......I swoon at his affection.......melt at his touch.......bask in his dominance.
But the more I considered her question of a perfect submissive.......I realized if there is such a thing, it certainly isn't me. I'm human and I fail.......plain and simple........despite my best efforts, I still fail........and Daddy makes mistakes too.......we may have the best of intentions but we still are capable of missing the mark.
We are in an ever evolving relationship. While our dynamic and foundation may be set, at times it is shaken. It's when I fail that I need to pull in, not push away. Analyzation and introspection are okay but I can't run away or hide from my Daddy regardless of how ashamed I may be or how much I know he will be disappointed in me.
Despite my mistakes, at the end of the day, my Daddy is my safety net........my security in this chaotic world........my rock.......my shoulder to cry on......the arms that hold me......the dark expressive eyes that convey the depth of their love for me.
I may not be a perfect sub.....but I am okay with that, because I am *His* submissive.
*His* perfectly imperfect submissive little girl.
08-02-2013
I stood in line fumbling with our lunch orders at Subway. Daddy 12in Italian BMT on Italian Herb & Cheddar bread with lettuce, tomatoes & light mayo.......with sun chips. Mine: philly steak whole grain wrap with lettuce, onion & green peppers. I kept checking my phone, silently wondering if these people could move any slower. I had 30 minutes before I had to meet Daddy.
He's been gone on his vacation and found a hole in which to fit in some us time. His annual family vacation is 3 weeks at the end of the summer and when he is vacationing, our contact is limited, compared to our "normal". I struggled a lot last year with the separation, though he isn't geographically far from me, I miss the constant contact. This year has been easier, I still miss him incredibly, but I haven't felt the disconnect that seemed to paralyze me last summer. We are closer now, far more emotionally invested in 'us'......one might think that being the case, that I would struggle more with the separation now, but it's been the opposite. I know he needs his down time, I know he is enjoying time away with his children. Emails have been far more consistent this year than they were last; I can almost guarantee each morning when I wake that I will have an email from my favorite man in the world over 3 foot tall. :) He has also called me several times this year......I had more calls week #1 this year than I had the entire duration of his vaca last year. It puts a smile on my face because I know that my Daddy is missing me just as much as I miss him; and no matter where he may be or how busy he is, he always makes me a high priority. I'm sort of spoiled in that aspect......and I l-o-v-e it. :)
So when Daddy called to tell me he was going to return home for 2 days in the middle of his vacation, just to see me.......I was a happy little girl. :) He emailed on Wednesday to tell me he was leaving his vacation home Thursday afternoon, arriving home late Thursday night and would be seeing me first thing Friday morning. This made me all sorts of giddy until I began remembering the reasons inspiring this impromptu visit.
You *really* don't want to know......
Nope, nope......
My lips are sealed........
OH ALRIGHT! It might have included phrases like:
"Shut up"
"They'll get the hell over it & so will you."
"Hey asshole! I AM YOURS! AKA my opinion matters more than random retards."
"Call back in 15min, I don't have time to ignore you now."
"Whether or not I defy you is entirely up to you, stop mandating stupid shit and we wont have to worry about defiance, now will we?"
"Hey Captain Obvious, I fix people, you fix software, capice?"
I know, I know.......you're astounded by my mouth. Stop laughing now! This is super serious........or so it is about to become for me.
I'm SO SCREWED!!!
