I was feeling absolutely horrible. I've been sick.....really sick.....for a while now. And I got sick right on the heels of a seemingly never-ending marathon of medical issues, procedures and surgeries. So just as I was starting to feel better and closer to "normal", I got sick and was right back to feeling like shit.
Working in medicine, it is never easy for me to be a patient. To be blunt, I hate it. So just being the patient, rather than the practitioner, stresses me out......a lot. Then add the helpless feeling of not getting better as quickly as I felt I should. I was a mess.
Finally tired of being poked & prodded and used as a guinea pig for procedure after procedure, I just got overwhelmed and felt defeated and hopeless. I'd shut down and stopped talking to people, intentionally isolating myself because I was close to my breaking point.
My instant messenger sprung to life......DING......I had a new message. The one man in the world I never ignore.......my Daddy. I talked with him for a few minutes and instead of my typical, "I'm fine", I told him the truth.......I was ready to give up.
"I'm calling in 15 minutes, answer my call."
It was after 10pm, pretty late for my Dad, but he did in fact call me.
I vented a little and he listened intently. Until I repeated what I had said via instant message just a half hour earlier,
"I don't care any more Daddy. I just want to quit."
He stopped me after that statement and it was then his turn to talk and my turn to listen.
"You don't have the option of quitting......you are MINE."
"Your son NEEDS you. I NEED you. Your family NEED you."
"I know this is hard and it sucks and you feel weak right now, but giving up is not an option. You're at the end of the marathon and you're going to finish it. Clear?"
"This is hard but it's not impossible. You have amazing strength inside of you, you're MINE. We've made it through a lot worse in the last 2 years, we will make it through this too. Eye on the prize, baby."
"I know you're sick, you're tired, you're stressed, you're weak, you're overwhelmed. And you're right, you can't do it alone but WE can get through this and we WILL get through this TOGETHER."
I listened and began to feel a little better almost immediately......his deep,steady voice has that effect on me quite often. But I also knew he was right. I am not and have not been doing this alone; I have my family and the people who matter most in the world to me right here alongside me. I may have lost sight of that when I was at my lowest and just feeling alone, exhausted and utterly defeated. I'm not alone; I have what matters most and everything else will eventually fall into place too. "Normal" *IS* coming. We just have to fight through this last medical hurdle. And it's okay for me to feel weak right now......I always have my Daddy's strength to fall back on. He takes amazing care of me and he will pull me through this. Everything WILL be okay.......simply because *MY* Daddy said so. :)