Sunday, October 12, 2014
So Much for Being a Good Girl
I do, in deed, need to be spanked. In fact, I alluded to that point just days ago in my blog post "Again. Hard. Again."
Perhaps my Daddy Dom is lurking on my blog?
Perhaps a spanko birdie whispered it into his ear?
Perhaps he just knows his little girl so well that his Dom-radar started squealing in high-pitched tones alerting him to this building need?
I believe I made it perfectly, crystal clear in that entry that I need spanked for a number of very specific reasons! Those being: stress, time with Him and simply because it is a part of who I am and what I need to keep me balanced and happy.
I also incredibly clearly noted that I had *not* been naughty! I had not crossed any lines! I had not added any new offenses to my spotlessly clean Punishment List! I had not pushed any boundaries!
I, this evening, was told that I am going to be getting the spanking I so desperately need.......BUT it is NOT the spanking I want! Hmph!
During casual conversation with Daddy tonight via phone, I gave him some detail about something I had done/said a couple weeks back. I could quite literally hear his blood pressure sky-rocket. I knew immediately by the drastic drop in his tone that he was upset with me. His next sentence confirmed it..... "my hands are literally clenched into fists right now." :(
I was quiet and listened intently as he chastised my choice, tears slowly trickling down my face. My little heart was breaking; I truly hate when he gets this angry with me. It is rare that my Daddy calls me "stupid."
He mentioned nothing of repercussions and our call ended as positively as it could have, given the content of the discussion. Now, more than 2 hours later, he sends me an instant message to tell me I now have a new entry to add to my Punishment List for what I had done. Just as I begin to softly, respectfully protest this.....he slaps me across the face with: "and a 2nd entry for not telling me prior to now, also a repeat offense!"
I HATE THIS!!!
I tried to explain to him that the basis of this offense is something we covered in it's entirety at my punishment session just last week.....so truthfully, though he didn't yet know of this particular instance, it really has been covered and I really have been soundly spanked for it and I really did learn that lesson and he really does not need to repeat it again.
He doesn't agree.
So now we remain at the sucky impasse of agreeing to disagree.......with the caveat that whether or not I agree, I am still going to get my ass beat for it. Literally.
I haven't even had my nice, clean, empty Punishment List for double digits yet! Seriously, I am at only 8 days since my last punishment. I typically last much longer before soiling it again. And what really infuriates me is I truly *have* been a perfectly behaved good girl since my punishment......this incident happened weeks ago!
It is both frustrating and disheartening to see new offenses added to my list in such a short time following a hard punishment. It makes me feel like a failure.
Makes me question myself (i.e. "will I ever be good enough?").
Immediately impacts my entire outlook on my behavior (i.e. "you're already in trouble again, so no need to work toward good behavior, it's ruined now anyway.").
Makes me want to censor and want to edit. If I hadn't been so god damned honest during a casual conversation, I wouldn't now be in serious trouble.
Ughhh! I could just scream! Not that it would matter much any way, since he decided our conversation was over without even informing me, leaving me alone and upset and talking to my damn self!
So much for being a good girl. :(