"My Daughter Does NOT Fight!" Part 1

09/19/2012

"So what do you think? You want to plead my case to Professor when he gets here?" I giggled on the phone to Susan. "I can attempt to provide you a defense if you really think it will do you any good." Susan offered before laughing at the idea. 

I was laying on my stomach on the bed as I chatted on speakerphone with my girlfriend to keep myself busy so I wouldn't be overwhelmed with nervousness and panic as I waited for my disciplinarian to arrive for our scheduled punishment session. I laughed at Susan's offer and heard the door slam shut behind me; my stomach sank and my mouth went dry as I slowly started to rise to my feet. 

"Goodbye." Professor said, giving me my cue to end the call. "I have to go Susan. I'll call or email later." I almost whispered as I realized my voice must have decided to get the heck out of dodge. "Bye honey. Good luck." Susan said in her most reassuring tone. I disconnected the call and turned off my phone and brushed past Professor on my way to sit it on the dresser. Sitting the phone down I decided that the mood in the room sucked and I needed to brighten it up. :) I spun around and gave Professor a big smile before speaking, "I'm glad you found the place; I was beginning to worry that you were lost which would kind of suck because I'd miss you lots if you got lost." 

I think my giggling at the start of a punishment session caught him off guard; typically I am quiet, nervous, remorseful. Nope, not today; I figured I'd try my luck with humor. I fumbled with my fingers nervously in front of me and giggled as I watched Professor closely. His eyes met mine and he studied my giggling face for a minute or two before smiling himself at my giddy nonsense. I love seeing him smile. 

After a minute more, Professor picked up the copy of my Punishment List off of the desk and began to thumb his way through it, occasionally peering up at me over the top of the page. As I stood giggling in front of him, I watched closely as his demeanor changed; watching this transformation knots my stomach with fear but at the same time it is so damn sexy that it is intoxicating. My giggles subsided as his dark eyes captured my gaze and I saw that unmistakable wall rise. His normally warm, inviting chocolate brown eyes quickly darken to a cold, intent and penetrating stare. He discarded the list onto the desk with an audible thump and stood inches from me and I watched his posture change as his eyes had before. He folded his arms across his chest which emphasizes the broadness of his shoulders and the strength of his forearms. His smile had long since evaporated and his lips were now pressed into a hard line. His jaw set. The longer I focused on his changing body language, the smaller I felt. Mere minutes had stripped away the confidence, the independence, bubbly talkative mood, the carefree woman.......what remained was a small, scared little girl looking hesitantly up at her father, green eyes pleading for leniency as his conveyed resolve. 

"Go put your nose in the corner now." He instructed. I had to walk around him to go to the corner and though I had retracted my gaze, I could feel his eyes remain on me until I was in the corner. I stood facing the wall and nervously cracking my knuckles. I tried to calm my nerves by thinking of something else....anything else to distract me. I recalled a comment Susan had made in our earlier phone chat and I giggled. "Care to share with me what it is about this situation you find so damn hilarious, Natalie Lynn?" Professor spoke, literally inches from the back of my head. I froze. My mind went silent and honed in on only one thing....did he just curse? OMG! Yikes!

"I'm sorry Sir; I am just in a giggly mood." I whispered. "Yep, you certainly are little girl. I just can't seem to find the humor in this situation. Maybe I am missing something. I see 7 new offenses on this list in just the last few weeks since I last addressed your behavior. And two of them involve fighting. Point out which entry is so amusing to you, young lady." I stared at the corner of the wall and tried to order my giggles away before they got me into serious trouble. "Sir, may I show you something before we begin?" I asked. Professor sighed audibly and before he could even answer me, I jumped out of the corner and proudly displayed my newest ridiculous purchase to him. Bright purple and red toe socks with pretty green frogs blowing heart kisses all over them. :) He looked at my feet and then his eyes darted back up to mine as he slowly approached me.

My heart shot to my throat and my palms became moist, my mouth dry and my giggles were MIA as I watched Professor walk slowly toward me, his dark eyes flashing his irritation at my stall tactics. He stopped an inch from me. I had my back to the corner and in front of me stood the towering frame of my disciplinarian. When he purposely uses his body to invade my bubble of personal space it makes my heart race. I quickly regretted my decision to showcase my froggy socks and lowered my eyes away from his intense stare. I caught a glimpse of the bed behind him and saw that he had laid out our thick leather strap, his heavy paddle, another paddle and a cane. I began to nervously chew my bottom lip as my panic was rising.

His left hand encircled my right wrist and he pulled me along behind him as he walked to the couch across the room. He sat down and looked up at me as he spoke, "Get them down now." I quickly unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans and slid them down to mid thigh. He reached out again and pulled me down hard across his lap. His large left hand began raining down hard, heavy, stinging spanks covering my bottom and sit spots in rapid succession. The force took my breath away. 

SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK     "What it is that has you laughing is beyond me. There is NOTHING funny about the offenses on that list! NOTHING funny about me having to repeat several lessons to you. NOTHING funny about MY daughter FIGHTING! NONE of this is funny, little girl and you better lose the giggles or I'll whip them out of you before we even begin our lessons, do you understand me?" Professor scolded as I lay over his lap trying to wish away the sting in my bottom. "I'm sorry, Sir." I apologized. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK    "I said, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME LITTLE GIRL?" He barked. I closed my eyes and bit my lower lip; the sting in my bottom now rivaled by the sting in my heart as Professor raised his voice at me. I shook my head quickly and whimpered, "Yes Sir, I understand. I'm done giggling, I promise. I'm sorry." 

"Stand up." He ordered. I quickly rose to my feet, my jeans now entangled at my ankles. "Um, Sir....may I take my jeans off so I don't trip on them please?" I asked. "Yes, hurry up. Take the ridiculous socks off as well." He said. I hastily removed my jeans and socks, folded them and placed them on the dresser top before turning to again face the steely, grim, determined stare of my agitated disciplinarian. 

Professor pointed directly in front of him. I quickly approached and stood where he had pointed. "Kneel here, young lady." His tone was soft but all business. I knelt as he instructed and looked down at his feet, waiting for him to speak again. He was quiet for several minutes and in that time my mind went from racing a hundred miles a minute to complete silence. Kneeling is the ultimate position of submission and it completely quiets my mind and my heart. Nothing else registers, nothing else matters, nothing else exists in this moment but he and I. I am *his*....his to lead, his to guide, his to discipline, his to punish. Silently kneeling before him, soon to be punished, softly offering my submission and trusting him to take me in hand. There is no other position that makes me feel such powerful and overwhelming waves of submission. Professor rarely has me kneel but when he does, I love it. 

"Look at me, Natalie Lynn." His voice pulling me to the present. I hesitantly raised my head and my eyes found their way to his. He reached forward with his left hand and swept the hair from in front of my face and tucked it behind my ear as he spoke, "Any more laughter that needs addressed before we begin?" I blinked several times as I felt my eyes well with tears, "No Sir." I whispered up to him. He held my gaze a minute longer before speaking again, "Good, then it's time to begin our lessons. A few of your offenses are repeats which means I wasn't clear enough the last time. Two offenses in particular are really bad. 7 offenses in two weeks??? That's disappointing." He spoke softly, but his words hit their mark. I lowered my eyes at his last word and hung my head. I hate to disappoint him and he knows that. "This is serious Natalie and it's not going to be an easy spanking for you to take and I need you to understand that, clear?" He asked. I shook my head and managed to get out a, "yes Sir." 

His hand tucked under my chin and raised my face again. "Time to begin." He announced as his jaw clenched, his eyes set in a resolved stare and he reached out to again take my wrist.......

Sometimes Wrong Feels Right....Momentarily

Sometimes doing what is right is easy......it's become a habit in some things. It is right to pay my taxes, work when I'm scheduled, parent my son.......all right and all pretty simple to do.

Sometimes doing what is wrong is a lot of fun and very tempting. Compound that with the historical pattern of banning an activity making it even more desirable. Naughty girls are always tempted to do forbidden or taboo things.

Then there are times when the line between what is right and what is wrong is so blurry that you can't decipher which is which.

I'm in pretty significant trouble right now with Professor for doing something that could probably fall into either category, right and wrong, dependent on who you asked. This, too, is a repeat offense for me which is a guarantee of even more trouble. But unlike some things (i.e. speeding, cursing) this is the first time I have ever repeated this offense with Professor. The first & only time before now that Professor has ever had to punish me for this particular offense happened very early on in our relationship......it was the topic of our 3rd punishment session......physically fighting.

Somewhere around the age of 12 or 13 I decided that fighting was a viable option if I was angry. Being Irish with a short temper, I have been involved in a fair amount of physical altercations in my life. When I became Professor's girl, he made it crystal clear to me that I am not allowed to hit other people unless it is in defense of myself or a weaker party and it is a last resort. I am *not* allowed to lash out and hit another person just because I'm angry and want an outlet for my frustration. As I said, after that very first "no daughter of mine will hit another person" punishment & lesson, I've not had any problems following this rule.....until now.

Last week, outside of work, an acquaintance and I had a verbal altercation that was semi-work related. Things got heated and she hit me. I wasn't really surprised, the girl is a loose cannon and has lashed out and struck several people in the past. I told her that first shot had used up her 'free pass' and I'd let it go but if she touched me again, she wouldn't be so lucky. So, she decided to hit me again....or try to. I blocked and caught her by her wrist and then I hit her back. A fellow colleague stepped between the two of us and separated us before things could escalate further.

I told Professor what happened and he was upset with me. Yes, she started it and yes she hit me first.....BUT, her behavior is not his concern, mine is because I am his little girl. And his little girl is not allowed to hit. I didn't have to hit her back; I could have simply caught her wrist and ended it by walking away but I was angry and I chose to lash out and hit her back because in the moment it felt good. I didn't have to physically defend myself, I wasn't in any danger and there were many other ways to end the altercation.....I simply chose the method that felt good by providing an outlet for my growing frustration.

Needless to say, I am in trouble. Then the day after the fight we were called in to resolve the dispute at work in a meeting with administrators and I got angry and decided I'd go into that meeting and continue the fight. I was venting this to a friend and she contacted Professor to tell him what I was planning to do, because she knew I was angry enough to do it and she didn't want me risking my career for this idiot. Professor told me to call him, I did and being angry I vented to him (using less than appropriate language) and argued that I was still angry so I wanted to finish the fight. He, of course, was not about to allow that to happen so he continued to tell me, "I don't care that you're mad, that's natural but not important. Now stop being stupid, shut your mouth and listen to me." After like a dozen times of him repeating the same thing, I finally got it. Typically when Professor speaks to me, I listen because I know he is probably right.....apparently I forgot that during this phone call and I kept arguing, whining and testing his patience in the process.

I behaved at the meeting. Later that evening though I got really upset. I'm still mad at the girl and the situation. But I know I'm in serious trouble with Professor.....and actually after the first punishment for fighting he said, "If you're ever stupid enough to make me repeat myself to you on this matter Natalie Lynn, the next time will be a loop strap accompanied lesson on why my daughter is not allowed to hit. Clear?"  Yep, see why I haven't hit anyone in the last 6 months? Damn good reason not to. I'm in big trouble and its my own stupid fault. I know I've disappointed Professor and I'm disappointed in myself too. It just sucks. I know better and I hate that I again let my temper control my actions and cloud my better judgement. I have to stop thinking that physically fighting is even an option to resolve conflict.....I'm better than that.  

I've heard a lot of Doms or Tops say that the fastest way to get their girl to do something she shouldn't do is to tell her "No".....because again, forbidding it makes it even more desirable for a naughty girl. I'm different I guess in this.....I don't think I've ever set out to intentionally do something that Professor has forbidden. He doesnt dictate arbitrarily or micromanage...so that means when he actually does set a rule/boundary or insist I do or not do something, it is taken seriously. Limits he sets are not negotiable. He knows he doesnt have to list hundreds of rules because the few he has insisted upon can apply to many things and I dont need him to forbid robbing banks for me to know he wouldn't be pleased by it :) More of a spirit of the law versus letter of the law sort of thing. He puts a lot of thought into the boundaries he has given me because he wants me to be happy but he also knows that the right thing may not always seem desirable and thats when he has to put his foot down. If something is important enough that he sets a rule, then I take his word as law and accept it and try obey him. 

I just wish that I would remember all of this rational and reasonable thought BEFORE I allow my temper to control my actions and provoke me into doing the wrong thing because it feels right in the moment. **sighs** 

Right VS Wrong........not always so clearly defined.

It is not always easy to make the right choice.....and a lot of the time the wrong choice feels really good......but when I *choose* the wrong path, I end up feeling like this...disappointed, nervous, guilty, stupid...wrong feels good in the moment but it feels like crap soon after and it will really suck when I'm punished for the choice I made. I think next time.....I'll make the RIGHT choice.

100th!!!

Hooray! 

My 100th post! 

When I started writing this blog, I never thought Id have this much to say :) 

But I do truly enjoy my writing and sharing it with others. I've made some pretty amazing connections and met some great friends, that I otherwise may have never known, through my writing on this blog.

It also at times serves the purpose of a journal for me to go back and reread when Im struggling with a certain offense or behavior....I can go back and read through all of the reasons it is not worth it, the last 'discussion' with Professor on the topic, all of those post-spanking reflections and resolve to not repeat the offense. 

Wow....100 posts.....

Off to begin the next hundred!!  :)  

Stay tuned folks...teaching discipline to a naughty Irish imp could take a while; even if Professor *is* incredibly "persuasive" in his own special perfectly-strict, overwhelmingly dominant & demanding sort of way :) 

Marking

I was asked by a blog reader recently about my thoughts on marks. Specifically he asked if I ever had a problem with being marked after a session. The short answer: No. 

Being Irish, I can have finicky skin at times so it always varies. One day I can take a very long, severe spanking and barely mark at all, perhaps just residual redness. At other times, I will start to bruise almost immediately after an implement is introduced. So each session is as different and unique in marking as it is in offenses. 

My very first session with Professor, he asked what my thoughts and limits were in regards to marking and I told him then that it is not an issue or something that bothers me at all. So we have not ever let the degree of marking end a session. I have no problem having marks, and he has no problem applying them. I think the only thing we do try to avoid is breaking skin; but aside from that, it is not a concern. Professor can spank long and hard so marking I consider to be inevitable. 

Typically after a punishment session, I am sore for a couple days and will have marks of some kind, whether it be bruises, welts, etc. They are a tender reminder of my punishment and typically compel me to behave myself. My very last spanking was for disrespect and it was a very intense spanking that actually left me tender and marked for almost a week; 6 days exactly, and prior to that punishment I had never been sore for more than 2 or 3 days. Needless to say, Professor's lesson on respect sunk in and wont need repeating.

Some implements will leave marks far quicker than others; such as our rubber loop strap. Come to think of it, whether rubber or leather, our straps leave their mark in the form of welts crisscrossing my bottom. Wooden implements typically cause bruising. The cane always leaves its mark; though we have only used the cane in a good girl spanking on campus and not yet for punishment, the perfect, parallel lines it left were notable for 3 days or so and I actually kind of thought that was hot. :)  

And just as specific implements cause greater marking, so too does the location. My thighs and sit spots will mark far quicker than my bottom.

I think I actually like the marks left behind from a spanking. The soreness is a physical reminder, but the marks a visual reminder and I expect both from an actual punishment spanking. When I feel or see the evidence left from the spanking, it is almost a point of pride for me as it is to other girls in D/s. I think that is directly related to my knowledge of who applied the marks....my Dominant. It makes me feel a certain amount of pride knowing that I submitted to him, took what he felt  I deserved and brought us closer by removing the offenses that had been between us. Make sense?

I smile at times as I look in the mirror after a session and see the reflection of marks. Though he typically does not like the offense for which he must punish me, I know Professor does enjoy administering a serious spanking. I know that regardless of the severity of marking, it was applied out of concern, care, love, protectiveness. I am *His* and he will spank me for my own good when I need it and for his pleasure. Belonging to Professor, it pleases me to please him. 

So there you go. I don't have any problem at all with having marks after a spanking. Only one man places marks on my body and I wear those marks with pride because they were administered from love and by the Dom to whom I belong. 

Short & Sweet

Ah the wonder and simplicity of effective communication. Lol. :) 

A bit of background....the last couple weeks has been busy for both Professor and I. Overwhelming schedules has limited our contact to emails.....later this week after the rush subsides, I'll call and be able to hear his voice for the first time in like 2 1/2 weeks. I've behaved relatively well and kept busy with moving stuff. He has been immersed in work but still makes time to send his brat a consistent diet of discipline via email....sweet, right? :) So any way, yesterday I was reminded that I have an exam to take Wednesday. I have known about this exam since June but somehow threw it into the back of my mind and ultimately forgot. Procrastination has been an issue for me for quite a while in varying manifestations. This one has ridiculously serious implications. I have to take this test this Wednesday.....no rescheduling. I have to not only pass it, but excel. It is pertinent to my career and a new mandate for our critical care team. I have several tests to take each year to re-certify in differing things (i.e. CPR, AED, etc) but this exam is not a repeat or re-certify.....it is all brand new and I remembered it in time to give myself only 48 hours to stress and cram. So below you can see the exact email exchange between Professor and I on this subject. :)

____________________________________________________________

I Wrote:

Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 6:40 PM

Subject: 

I spoke to Miss Inconsiderate this morning and clearly defined the word 'respect' for her. 

I was reminded this afternoon that I have a huge exam on Wed.....I have known about it since June but somehow forgot. So ive screwed myself into having 2 days to study and cram an insane amount of information. And unlike most certification exams, this is not a repeat...ive never taken an ALS exam because I never thought it pertinent. Now though, work insists all the critical care & trauma response team members have an ALS certification......and I cant reschedule, so have to take it Wed whether im prepared to do it or not. 

Perhaps you should aim to beat the procrastination out of me so I stop forgetting important things until the last minute when I have to stress over it. Ive done this several times and I have to fix it or ill have a coronary in med school. 

Speaking of stress, how is the proposal coming along? Going to be done on time? Later in the week, after your grant stuff and my ALS exam, I need to call and talk to you. I have a parenting dilemma and havent talked to you in like 2weeks so kind of miss your voice. Oh where can I find your soccer games schedule for the fall? Talk soon Sir. 

Yours,

Natalie Lynn

Professor Wrote:

Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2012 4:43 PM

Subject: RE:

Put your procrastination on your PL for a good beating, Natalie Lynn.  Now, study.

_____________________________________________________________

See? Effective communication :) Short...not-so-sweet...right to the point 

Reflection & Remembering

Eleven years already, wow. It doesn't seem that long ago. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was a 16yr old girl and had just finished high school that May and began my first semester at college just the day before 9/11. I was an Explorer (Junior Firefighter/EMT) on a local fire department at that time. My aunt called and woke me that morning and told me to turn on CNN; I did just as the second tower was hit. I watched, helplessly with the rest of the country as the towers fell, the Pentagon was hit, the heroic passengers took down the fourth & final airborne missile in a Pennsylvania field. That afternoon, I made my way to my fire department and sat silently with my fellow first responders as we watched the continuing coverage. 

In the days and weeks to come, our department back in Illinois sent firefighters trained in search and rescue to NYC, as many other departments around the country did. There were candlelight vigils, somber rememberance ceremonies, discussions of the war the attacks would surely provoke. We heard the names of those lost read out as rescue operations transitioned to recovery. I did not know anyone personally who lost their life on 9/11, but being on the fire dept made the 343 FDNY lost hit close to home. I was a young woman, mature in some ways and still a child in others, and as much hurt & anger as I felt that Tuesday, I still had no idea how much more this catastrophe would alter my life.

In the years to come, I would become a military wife. I would send my older brother and my husband off to war.....once, at the same time. I watched everything I'd known from the peaceful childhood country I'd grown up in, be changed in an instant. Security at the airport was tightened like a noose. Each anniversary would bring the ceremonies, the news clips that forced us to relive the moments time stood still, the names read by the spouse or child of the lost. Heart breaking and just as raw an emotion as it was the morning it happened. 

We lost a lot on 9/11. Thousands of innocent lives taken in an instant of extremist cowardice. Thousands of men & women killed in the wars inspired by the terror attacks. Tens of thousands more military members wounded in battle. Two gorgeous architectural feats that stood as examples of America's superiority no longer graced the NYC skyline. Thousands of children growing up without a parent. It's not fair and the hurt & pain is thick enough to suffocate at times. 

But, though we lost so much, we have gained much more. We saw the selflessness in service of our first responders in the face of the insurmountable task of rescue & recovery. We came together as a country to offer support to the families directly impacted. We watched our young men and women step forward and volunteer to leave their own families for a hell halfway around the world and engage in seemingly endless combat operations. Military families supporting their troops through multiple deployments. National security has taken priority. 

United we watched and we hurt. 

But America did not give up......We got up!  

As one we have remembered, we have grieved, we have begun to heal, we have strengthened, we have come together as one nation united for one common purpose......to preserve our freedoms and defend our way of life. 

Watching the services again this year will remind me once more of the initial hurt, the subsequent sacrifice, the struggle of how & when to explain this tragedy & it's effects on our family to my little boy. I will spend quiet moments alone, as I have for several years, to just pause and pray. 

I still don't understand and I doubt that I ever will. Similarly, I know the hurt will not ever completely dissipate. But what I do know is I was lucky enough to be born American. I live in a country that rallies behind the underdogs. A country that sets no limits to success because of my gender. A country perhaps wounded, but strengthened with resolve and determination to fight for our freedoms and for those who were stolen from us that morning. 

Pause a moment this Tuesday September 11th, 2012 and remember the significance of this anniversary and the thousands of American families who have a photo or a folded flag to hold in place of a loved one. Take a moment to truly appreciate the life you are free to live here and the possibilities afforded to your children, that have been historically paid for with the blood of our fallen heroes. Gaze at your flag as it sways in the breeze and pray for the men & women who stood united to fight for that very flag and in the end who's caskets have ultimately been draped by that flag. Thank your first responders, whether a small traffic accident or a natural disaster, they willingly put their lives on the line to help strangers every single shift of duty. Teach your children that ignorance breeds hate and hate breeds violence. 

Thank you:
New York City Police Department
Fire Department of New York
Port Authority Police Department of New York/New Jersey
Shanksville, PA Fire & Rescue
DC Fire Dept.
DC Police
US Army
USMC
US Navy
USCG
USAF

Fallen but *never* forgotten

Public Service Announcement

I will preface this public service announcement by saying that it takes A LOT to shock me. Working in emergency medicine grants me the privilege of seeing some rather 'strange' things. I enjoy the adrenaline rush of my career and the occasional "What the hell were you thinking?" moments it brings about.....and I typically, as a rule, try not to judge other people. I'm relatively skilled at keeping a straight face.....in fact that is what got me in this predicament today in the first place......my ability to keep a straight face. **sighs**

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

If you are going to walk into a public building (i.e. hospital) dressed from head to toe in an animal costume, refer to a restroom as a "litterbox", insist to me that you ate Friskies for breakfast and have your significant other explain to me that you need medical care because you keep "coughing up hairballs"........

It should NOT surprise you that I laugh in your face! It should not surprise you that I ask if you're spayed or neutered! It should not surprise you that I recommend a veterinary hospital as opposed to you wasting my freaking time! 

As I said, it takes a lot to shock me......today accomplished that feat and then some! What the hell is wrong with some people??? I am told there is an entire "subculture" of these "Furries" and upon googling the term, I am more shocked than I originally was at the 'cat' patient I saw this morning. I rarely feel my time is wasted and I truly enjoy helping people.....but I imagine my 4 year old son could have accurately found the 'illness' from which the feline-human suffered......DON'T CONSUME FREAKING CAT FOOD, GENIUS!!!  

I wonder if I'll be in trouble for not keeping my mouth shut and remaining professional? I sure hope not....re-living this incident in a lecture would surely bring about more giggles and smart ass commentary. :) 

I need a drink! And again, a muzzle might not be a bad idea!

Confrontation

***Yes, I had to use this picture for my post.....it reminds me of my own wiener dog fighting with a porcupine last year....lol....tenacious little dogs, aren't they? Lol! :)  ***

I actually wrote about this same topic earlier this spring but thought with recent confrontation issues, perhaps it was worth revisiting or re-examining. Professor honed in very early on to my tendency to be aggressive, confrontational, at times condescending when interacting with other people. He has pointed it out to me several times and we have discussed it over and over.....and I've had multiple OTK 'discussions' about this character flaw I seem to have. And he is not the only one to notice it.....my husband didnt care for it either, my older brothers, my other family, my friends, my co-workers.....it is hard not to notice. I even describe my own personality as 'abrasive'. 

Anyway, this weekend I had yet another confrontation.....this time with an acquaintance who decided she should critique my parenting because she thought it "militaristic" that my 4yr old son says "ma'am" and "sir" to adults. First of all, who complains that a child uses manners??? Typically when someone complains about a child, it is an annoying behavior they have a problem with....not manners! Ughhh....anyway, I was in a bad mood anyway and was irritated by the fact that this woman with 4 kids of her own (by 3 separate fathers btw) had the audacity to criticize my parenting when her own children are freaking heathens! So we had a verbal sparring match and I was probably a tad bit more aggressive than I should have been, and said a few things I really shouldn't have. I confessed and explained the situation to Professor and he told me to add it to my Punishment List.....that he agreed that I was right, but the way I reacted was wrong.....I know better than to engage in pointless confrontation.

I know Professor is right, I know I over-reacted and at the very least, if I insisted on responding, I didn't need to use the language I chose and I certainly didn't need to do this in front of kids.....I get that and totally understand his point. Even when I feel like I am *not* actively seeking confrontation, I seem to fall into it and even though I know what is the *right* thing to do, I struggle to walk away so...I've been thinking....a lot.....and analyzing (what else is new)....and trying to find a reason, an explanation, a root cause for this. Now dont misunderstand my intentions, I am not trying to find a reason to justify it.....I am just trying to figure out why I am the way I am in this. And with all of my thinking, I think I may have just found the start of the problem......let me explain.

I dont think anyone had a perfect childhood, and I was no exception to that....but I didnt have an overly aggressive adult role model when I was a kid or any one person I can point to as setting the bad example. I have older brothers....so I obviously learned to fight relatively young. My mother, with only positive intention, put me in martial arts when I was 7 so I could learn to defend myself.....not that I needed the help...lol....I was already mean and if my mean wasnt enough, well thats where the older, bigger brothers come in. :) I enjoyed Tae Know Do and actually stayed until I was 20. Anyway, when my mom made this decision, she hoped for two things......#1 I would be able to defend myself because the school I attended wasn't exactly nice, and #2 perhaps I would learn a little something about discipline. I can definitely say #1 was a success......and #2 well I am learning with the help of my Professor.

When I was in middle school I started to get into a lot of trouble.....I mean A LOT. Boys, skipping school, drinking, drugs.....you name it, I did it. The middle of my 7th grade year, I was 13 at the time, I got into a fight at school.....a HUGE fight. My opponent was a girl, Nicole, who had been a good friend of mine.....I couldn't even tell you now what the fight was about, but it was bad. Obviously being trained in martial arts, Nicole was not even close to an equal match for me and I was pissed. Very pissed in fact, and even when I had clearly 'won' the fight, I did not stop hitting her......our principal stepped in, Mr. Meyer. Now, being on this little hell-bent self destructive path I had found myself in over the last year or so, I had absolutely NO respect for authority.....of any kind, and this man was no exception. In fact, I saw him more of a speed bump than a road block. I hit him.......13 yrs old, angry & completely lacking any form of respect.....I punched him in the face.....twice. The scuffle that ensued ended with him being hurt, the police being called and my mother showing up at the school.

I was so angry at this point that I was even cursing the police officers who had responded to the school. My mother was almost speechless. After discussing things with the school and the police, and thank God, no criminal charges being filed.....I was free to leave with my mother. On the way home in the car she started to do what any normal parent would do in the same circumstances.....she told me she was disappointed, asked what I was thinking, etc......I didn't care to hear it.....at all. I yelled at her and told her, "Shut the fuck up." When she got over the shock, she started to threaten consequences for my behavior and I said, "Are you fucking stupid? Did you not see what happened to Nicole & Mr. Meyer? If I were you, I'd shut the fuck up. I'm not a child and I can do whatever the hell I want to do, if you think you're big enough to stop me then go ahead and try....we will see how that works out for you."

That was it......she said nothing else to me. I now, looking back on the entire situation, feel horrible for of all things, the way I spoke to my mother for being a parent and having lost her a few years back, I'd do anything to take back the things I said to her but I cant.

Thinking about my aggression and my confrontational behavior, it all started and continued to get worse from that day forward. I had completely lost my temper and hurt people and then when anyone starting with the principal, following with the police and ending with my mother.....anyone in a position of authority tried to intervene I lashed out at them as well. And.....the most important thing perhaps of this whole story.....they ALL lost, they backed down, they quit. I won. I acted completely inappropriately and I got away with it completely without consequence. Not only did I get away with it, I was rewarded for it. I got suspended from school for 5 days for fighting.......with no academic implications, it was essentially a whole week of vacation for me. The police did not pursue any charges. My mother, either truly scared of what I may do to her or just feeling helpless at the moment, said not another word to me. Absolutely NO CONSEQUENCES.....I WON......I did what I wanted to do, disregarded everyone else, disrespected any hint of authority and I won. From then on, it only seemed to reinforce my behavior.

If I am not happy, upset, feel threatened, get irritated, frustrated, etc.......just about any emotion can be transferred to aggression for me.......it can all manifest into me being extremely confrontational. As I said when I started this post......I am not at all looking to justify my behavior because I know I am wrong.....very wrong. I am simply trying to figure out why I am the way I am in some things. Thinking through this entire situation and the way I have behaved every since then, it makes me wonder.........would I be as confrontational now if that situation had ended differently? If I had consequences then for what I had done, would I have realized that it was not okay? Would I react differently now? If I had been held accountable for my actions then, at 13, would I be as confrontational now at 27?

A lot to think about.......a lot to contemplate.....all kinds of 'what ifs' to run through in my cluttered mind right now. I wonder if I can truly change this character flaw I have.....can I really stop being confrontational? I know I am wrong in the way I interact.....I know I do truly want to change it.....I just wonder if I really can? If only I had the power to rewrite history. *sighs*