Sunday, September 16, 2012
Sometimes Wrong Feels Right....Momentarily
Sometimes doing what is right is easy......it's become a habit in some things. It is right to pay my taxes, work when I'm scheduled, parent my son.......all right and all pretty simple to do.
Sometimes doing what is wrong is a lot of fun and very tempting. Compound that with the historical pattern of banning an activity making it even more desirable. Naughty girls are always tempted to do forbidden or taboo things.
Then there are times when the line between what is right and what is wrong is so blurry that you can't decipher which is which.
I'm in pretty significant trouble right now with Professor for doing something that could probably fall into either category, right and wrong, dependent on who you asked. This, too, is a repeat offense for me which is a guarantee of even more trouble. But unlike some things (i.e. speeding, cursing) this is the first time I have ever repeated this offense with Professor. The first & only time before now that Professor has ever had to punish me for this particular offense happened very early on in our relationship......it was the topic of our 3rd punishment session......physically fighting.
Somewhere around the age of 12 or 13 I decided that fighting was a viable option if I was angry. Being Irish with a short temper, I have been involved in a fair amount of physical altercations in my life. When I became Professor's girl, he made it crystal clear to me that I am not allowed to hit other people unless it is in defense of myself or a weaker party and it is a last resort. I am *not* allowed to lash out and hit another person just because I'm angry and want an outlet for my frustration. As I said, after that very first "no daughter of mine will hit another person" punishment & lesson, I've not had any problems following this rule.....until now.
Last week, outside of work, an acquaintance and I had a verbal altercation that was semi-work related. Things got heated and she hit me. I wasn't really surprised, the girl is a loose cannon and has lashed out and struck several people in the past. I told her that first shot had used up her 'free pass' and I'd let it go but if she touched me again, she wouldn't be so lucky. So, she decided to hit me again....or try to. I blocked and caught her by her wrist and then I hit her back. A fellow colleague stepped between the two of us and separated us before things could escalate further.
I told Professor what happened and he was upset with me. Yes, she started it and yes she hit me first.....BUT, her behavior is not his concern, mine is because I am his little girl. And his little girl is not allowed to hit. I didn't have to hit her back; I could have simply caught her wrist and ended it by walking away but I was angry and I chose to lash out and hit her back because in the moment it felt good. I didn't have to physically defend myself, I wasn't in any danger and there were many other ways to end the altercation.....I simply chose the method that felt good by providing an outlet for my growing frustration.
Needless to say, I am in trouble. Then the day after the fight we were called in to resolve the dispute at work in a meeting with administrators and I got angry and decided I'd go into that meeting and continue the fight. I was venting this to a friend and she contacted Professor to tell him what I was planning to do, because she knew I was angry enough to do it and she didn't want me risking my career for this idiot. Professor told me to call him, I did and being angry I vented to him (using less than appropriate language) and argued that I was still angry so I wanted to finish the fight. He, of course, was not about to allow that to happen so he continued to tell me, "I don't care that you're mad, that's natural but not important. Now stop being stupid, shut your mouth and listen to me." After like a dozen times of him repeating the same thing, I finally got it. Typically when Professor speaks to me, I listen because I know he is probably right.....apparently I forgot that during this phone call and I kept arguing, whining and testing his patience in the process.
I behaved at the meeting. Later that evening though I got really upset. I'm still mad at the girl and the situation. But I know I'm in serious trouble with Professor.....and actually after the first punishment for fighting he said, "If you're ever stupid enough to make me repeat myself to you on this matter Natalie Lynn, the next time will be a loop strap accompanied lesson on why my daughter is not allowed to hit. Clear?" Yep, see why I haven't hit anyone in the last 6 months? Damn good reason not to. I'm in big trouble and its my own stupid fault. I know I've disappointed Professor and I'm disappointed in myself too. It just sucks. I know better and I hate that I again let my temper control my actions and cloud my better judgement. I have to stop thinking that physically fighting is even an option to resolve conflict.....I'm better than that.
I've heard a lot of Doms or Tops say that the fastest way to get their girl to do something she shouldn't do is to tell her "No".....because again, forbidding it makes it even more desirable for a naughty girl. I'm different I guess in this.....I don't think I've ever set out to intentionally do something that Professor has forbidden. He doesnt dictate arbitrarily or micromanage...so that means when he actually does set a rule/boundary or insist I do or not do something, it is taken seriously. Limits he sets are not negotiable. He knows he doesnt have to list hundreds of rules because the few he has insisted upon can apply to many things and I dont need him to forbid robbing banks for me to know he wouldn't be pleased by it :) More of a spirit of the law versus letter of the law sort of thing. He puts a lot of thought into the boundaries he has given me because he wants me to be happy but he also knows that the right thing may not always seem desirable and thats when he has to put his foot down. If something is important enough that he sets a rule, then I take his word as law and accept it and try obey him.
I just wish that I would remember all of this rational and reasonable thought BEFORE I allow my temper to control my actions and provoke me into doing the wrong thing because it feels right in the moment. **sighs**
Right VS Wrong........not always so clearly defined.
It is not always easy to make the right choice.....and a lot of the time the wrong choice feels really good......but when I *choose* the wrong path, I end up feeling like this...disappointed, nervous, guilty, stupid...wrong feels good in the moment but it feels like crap soon after and it will really suck when I'm punished for the choice I made. I think next time.....I'll make the RIGHT choice.