Who am I?
Have you ever truly sat and pondered the question? I mean really, truly, eyes wide open kind of analyzing about who and what you truly are? I'm in the middle of this sort of journey right now, spawned by an in depth conversation with a very good, non-spanko girlfriend of mine. I am blessed to know many other wonderful people who share my kink within the BDSM, D/s, DD realms of interest.......but a handful of my closest friends are 110% 'vanilla'.......and it was just such a friend who has inspired this post with our recent conversation.
Who am I?
I could list literally dozens of labels that fit and are 'accepted' by the vast majority of society.
- I am a woman
- I am a mother
- I am a daughter
- I am a friend
- I am a sister
- I am a trauma nurse
- I am a die-hard New England Patriots fan
- I am a lover of all animals
- I am the mother of a small herd of dachshunds
- I am a Democrat (though more fiscally conservative)
- I am a loud, outspoken girl who has never shied away from a debate
- I am incredibly book smart, but mechanically retarded
- I am a great cook (or so I am told)
- I am a writer
- I am an analyzer (to the point it could drive me half insane, if I let it :) )
- I am a Boston Bruins hockey fan
- I love to hike and climb mountains
- I was a competitive swimmer, martial artist and dancer
- I prefer cold weather to hot weather
- I am an adrenaline junkie
- I hate chocolate, pizza and most pastas (yes, more proof I am abnormal)
- I am Catholic (though clearly a naughty Catholic girl)
- I work hard, I play hard and I love hard
I imagine, like most people, I am a girl of contradictions. Perfect example: I am the child of a murder victim and while I am a steadfast Democrat, I do support the death penalty in certain circumstances. Not even for my own emotional ties to capital crimes, I'm simply fiscally conservative and believe for heinous crimes where there is no hope of rehabilitation, our government shouldn't have to spend upwards of $50,000 per inmate, per year to afford them housing, HBO, food, free education, healthcare, etc. With accommodations like that, it is no wonder the recidivism rate is so damn high in this country. Any way, I digress.
As with my contradictions, I am a woman of selectivity. There are sides of me that are rarely shown. I can count on one hand how many people have *ever* seen me cry. I have very few true friends with whom I would discuss topics such as politics, religion, etc. And, of course, one of the most important parts of who I am is my D/s life.
As I said, I have several friends, both in real life and online who I share my D/s and spanking interests with and talk to regularly. And even my vanilla friends with whom I am closest know about this aspect of my life and personality. At 27 now, I am long past the point of trying to hide this part of myself from other people. I don't exactly advertise it with a huge "Spank Me" bumper sticker as some do, but I don't work overly hard to keep it a secret.
If you came to my home, you'd likely see my implement collection on my dresser top in my bedroom. A magnet on my fridge that says, "Daddy's Girl"........and another that reads, "If you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair."
I've known since I was a child that spanking interested me, though I couldn't understand why at the time. As a teenager, after graduating high school at 16 and going away to college, I began to experiment and thanks to the internet, found like-minded friends. I had my share of one time encounters that left me less than satisfied. And though there is a certain sexual tension or intimacy involved with a D/s relationship, and I have had romantic relationships in which D/s, BDSM, DD was incorporated.....it always made me long for something just a little different. There is something disingenuous about being truly disciplined by a man with whom I am an equal, particularly if they were my own age. A boyfriend calling me "young lady" just didn't do it for me......it made me break out in laughter, which is *not* the reaction those two little words should inspire.
I married young and my husband was 9 years my senior and we practiced domestic discipline within our marriage. Perhaps because of the age difference, or maybe his naturally authoritative tone being a career military man, it just worked for me.....it worked for us......in a way no other romantic relationship incorporating spanking had in the past. I loved my husband with my whole heart and I credit much of my success to the stability, tangible consequences, high expectations and discipline he provided for me before I lost him just shy of what would have been our 6th wedding anniversary.
It took me over a year after losing my husband before I even considered finding another D/s partner. I knew something was missing from my life and I knew exactly what it was. I was heartbroken and an emotional wreck but more than that, I was allowing my emotions to control my behavior. I lacked the guidance I had once depended on. I no longer had those high expectations.....no longer had the tangible consequences. I of course cared about myself and about my son, but it is not nearly the same as knowing that I'd have to answer to someone else for my behavior. I began to spiral out of control. I still worked, took care of my son, cleaned my home and functioned in society......but aside from those very basics, I was losing it. My language was horrible and could have made a sailor blush. I was confrontational with colleagues, neighbors, etc. My driving habits were back to those of an undisciplined teenage brat with nothing to lose. I racked up speeding tickets, swore at the police who dared to correct me, was even rude to the judges in the traffic court. My attitude sucked. And as much as I tried to project a strong front, I was broken.....I was alone. I needed the stability I once had and now craved more than ever.
The issue I continued to run into was that the prospects I would speak with briefly online wanted romance......and I just didn't. I wasn't ready for the emotional commitment of a romantic relationship. Others I spoke to looked to spanking as simply an easy prelude to sex.....again, I wasn't interested. Still others, didn't know what they were doing or what being a Dom truly meant.....they were arrogant, loud, obnoxious.....no idea what a truly dominant man is. I was left unsatisfied after reading through the several replies to my profile on a popular site and finally decided to simply give up my search for a while and try to focus on something else. But deep down inside, I knew I needed discipline as much as I wanted it and ignoring that part of myself was not working either.
Ah fate! Luck! Whatever you want to call it, it finally happened.....and actually by accident. I was helping a younger spanko girl in her search for an older male authority figure to become her Dom. After again reading through numerous responses to her profiles from idiots, one jumped right off the screen at me. This man, if he was truly real, got it.....he truly got it. I told her of the 216 replies we read through that month, that this man was 'the one.' I've been into D/s long enough to know when I see/hear a truly dominant man who 'gets it.' I could pick em out of a room of thousands; I just have the radar and am naturally drawn to them. This man was REAL!
He and I corresponded about her for a while and realized our own similarities and compatibility. She began having some personal issues of her own and told the both of us that she was more than happy to 'share' him with me. A week later, I met him in person for the first time. We chose to meet 'in scene', me simply knocking on the door and handing him my list of transgressions for him to punish me for. It was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life. That was close to a year and a half ago now and I still remember every single detail as if it happened yesterday. The room number, the color of carpeting, his perfectly pressed white button down shirt, what I wore, word for word every aspect of the conversation. I had spoken to him via email, instant messenger and phone several times in the weeks leading up to this first, fateful meeting but being with him in person for the first time without a friendly lunch or "hello", the experience was mind-numbing. Every nerve ending in my body was on edge, every sense heightened. I was quite literally, transfixed. I will never forget that day as long as I live and it's a memory I hold very dear to my heart.
I had found my Dom. And he was perfect. Tall, very handsome, gorgeous chocolate brown eyes that are incredibly expressive, a very dominant jawline, large & strong spanker's hands, broad shoulders, athletic build, strong muscular arms, a deep resonating voice that pulled at my very core the moment he said, "come in, young lady." The man is perfect.......absolutely amazing and perfect.
After that first meeting, we had connected and mutually decided to continue to pursue our D/s relationship. I am a highly guarded girl, I let very few people "in" to know the real me, I seldom open up......but somehow this man had bypassed all of my fortified defenses and I was putty in his strong hands. And I truly couldn't have been happier.
When I entered our relationship, we defined it as a disciplinary relationship. I hadn't wanted or sought a 'Daddy Dom' initially at all. But over the last year and a half, our relationship has morphed into a Father/Daughter relationship and though 2 years ago I would have been completely opposed to the notion, now it is just the perfect fit. Maybe it was a need I had always had but never admitted to myself, let alone anyone else. But now, having a Daddy......it is an amazing feeling and has filled a void I had always tried to suppress. I am more than his playmate, more than his friend, more than his spankee.....I am his daughter, his little girl. And that puts a smile on my face every single day.
The last year has brought more challenges than I care to recount, but throughout it all I have always had this man in my corner. Always had his support. Always had his guidance, his advice, his discipline. When I have needed him, he has always been right there beside me. I'm a lucky girl and I know that because men like my father are *very, very* rare.
Now one of my best vanilla girlfriends and I spoke today because I am entering a new phase of my life. I will start medical school this fall and I have recently entered into a romantic relationship. My friend questioned about how this will all 'fit' into my life.....does my new romantic interest know about my D/s relationship......does it upset him.......does he spank me.......etc. I'm an open book and answered her questions quite candidly.
My new significant other is a childhood friend of my brothers and I. We all practiced martial arts together for years; but I hadn't seen him since high school. He is older than I am, closer to my brothers' age than my own. While home in the midwest, we reconnected and a beautiful romance began to blossom.
When he and I began to discuss the possibility of a relationship, there were several things I had to tell him that are non-negotiable in my life. For one, I am a mother......I have a son. I also live, work and will attend medical school on the east coast so I will not consider moving back to the midwest. We discussed our religious preferences, political stances, etc and found we were quite compatible. But I had to tell him about my "deal breaker" as far as my D/s relationship. I explained to him that I have always been a spanko girl and that will not change. I also explained my relationship with my Daddy. I assured him it is not a sexual relationship, though most people view Dominance and submission as an intimate exchange....and in some ways it is; but we have boundaries. He listened and asked several questions and I answered them all for him. But I explained that under no circumstances would I end or change my D/s relationship......period. As far as I am concerned, this man *is* my father and there is nothing I would not do for him. I could not ever walk away from what we have because he has filled a void for me and provides needs that I have that will not ever change and they aren't needs that could be met by anyone else.
Many men wouldn't understand this or may feel threatened by it or simply refuse to engage in a romantic relationship with a woman who belongs to another man in the sense of my submission to him. The man I am forging this romance with, amazingly has not only tried to understand this part of my life BUT he accepts it and that is an amazing gift he gave to me. I wouldn't be able to hide this part of who I am from a man I was intimate with.......the marks after I am punished would be a bit difficult to explain. :) But as amazing as my father is for providing the loving discipline I need, so too is this new romantic partner in my life for accepting and supporting it.
So my girlfriend asked me today, how this will work.....will spanking become a part of my romantic relationship.....will my man eventually become uncomfortable with my relationship with my Daddy......if I have a submissive core, why can't I simply share it within my romantic relationship. Lots and lots of loaded questions. Here is how I broke it down for her as I pondered them all deeply myself.
When I explained my 'deal breakers' (having a child, unwilling to relocate, unwilling to end my D/s relationship) my boyfriend had no problem accepting any of it. He was naturally curious about me and Daddy because I am not the kind of girl to strike you as submissive in any way, shape or form. I am actually a very dominant, type A personality kind of girl. He has become comfortable with my D/s relationship because I did not hide it from him. I have been upfront and honest and answered any question he has asked. As for spanking becoming part of my romantic relationship, I wouldn't have a problem with him playfully swatting my butt or pulling my hair during sex, but I wouldn't allow him to discipline me at all.....we are equals. That is one of the things I love most about my relationship with my Daddy.....we are not equals.....he is dominant, I am submissive and I belong to Him....period.
I explained it further to her by saying if my boyfriend were to firmly tell me to bring him a beer, I'd likely laugh at him and tell him to get it his damn self or ask me politely and I'd consider it. However, if Daddy attempted to go get his own beer in my presence, I'd likely be disappointed that he hadn't simply directed me to do it. In my romantic relationship, I have a strong voice and an equal vote as far as decision making. With my father, I have a very soft voice and though I am heard, every decision is his to make.....period.....and I love that. The complete power exchange aspect of our relationship is a huge turn on for me. I am in control of most everything in my life, but with my father, I am not and that is a very freeing feeling. I trust him, admire him, love him and know without a doubt he will always take care of me and do what is best for me. While with my boyfriend I may enjoy curling up together on the couch to watch a movie........with my Daddy, I am happiest kneeling in front of him, my eyes lowered, his voice quiet but intense and his strong hands entwined in my long, red hair.
A girl of contradictions.....maybe so, but I am quite happy with them.
My selectivity.....I am more than happy with.......there would be no reward in taming a weak girl.......I am strong-willed and stubborn as they come, but my inner submissive core is naturally drawn to the strict, demanding sadist that I have found in my father. And for that reason......I *am* a selectively submissive girl......I am *His* submissive little girl.