Friday, February 21, 2014
Two Years & A Lifetime
Two years ago today...
It was 2 years ago today that I found you. Correction, you found me. Funny, that, isn't it? I had no idea at that time that I was lost. Ah but hindsight is 20/20. Two years ago today, you did in deed, find me.
It was all by accident rather than design really, as I wasn't looking for you, nor you for me. I simply was helping a younger spanko girl find a suitable Dom to test the waters with. And yet somehow, over the days and weeks to come, I would become yours and you, mine.
Not being a religious girl, I am not even certain what to attribute the meeting to. But thinking of the astronomical possibilities of us meeting in any other arena, I have to insist that something brought us together. Though the God theory is debunk, I will say that we had both fate and luck in our corner on that day, Sir.
Timing.....my goodness, the timing......we met quite literally days after you lost your mother, and for me, in one of the darkest emotional periods I can remember in my short life. Fate. Luck.
Looking back at the last 2 years, I am sometimes astounded that we've made it here. I wouldn't say I was opposed to the idea of a Dom when we met, I simply didn't want an emotional connection of any kind and I detested the notion of submission. I wasn't a hard case at all, was I, Sir? :) I am sure those are traits you seek in any sub you choose to dominate. :) I think ideally at that time and in that frame of mind, I would have welcomed a man to whip my ass, I just didn't want to care for him, nor did I want that caring reciprocated. I'd been hurt, was still hurting, and though a masochist, didn't care to add to the pain at that time.
I, though oblivious to the fact, was lost.
And then my world would change with a string of introductory emails.
You were 'normal.' You were kind. Inquisitive. Demanding but not overly so, not a micromanager, more a firm grasper. You were gorgeous. You had an amazing sense of humor and an even more keen sense of self. You weren't the loud & obnoxious 'Dom' I was used to, quite the opposite really. Quiet, measured, calculating, deliciously sadistic in the most intriguing of ways. You were........different.
As we spoke, I couldn't help but open up to you. Your voice lulled me. Your eyes were mesmerizing. Your care and kindness so evident in every interaction. I, without knowing it, was beginning to break my own rules.....I was growing to care for you......though for a while I was still insecure or hesitant to truly accept your caring for me. It was an odd and strained dance, those first few months, I would wane from opening up to reinforcing my walls as I felt you come closer. I pushed, I tested.......you never wavered.
After 9 or 10 months, I gave up making or adhering to my own 'rules' and simply trusted you to set the parameters for me, for us. You were patient with me, but never let me walk on you. I stopped, for the first time I can recall in my entire life, fighting my emotion...keeping another human being at arms length...denying weakness. I let you in, I shared myself with you...and you stayed. You would criticize my behavior, but never judged me as a person. You taught me that if I constantly kept my guard up, then I was missing out on my own life by refusing to allow anyone else to truly love me. I was able, again for the first time I can ever remember, to stow the tough-girl facade and admit, if only to myself, that I did in fact need another person.
I *needed* you.
You became to mean the world to me as did winning your approval. Behaviorally I was a mess, and I imagine to some, I still am....but I am changing and I am growing. You've taught me any number of things, from the importance of respect for authority to giving me a phenomenal example of everything a man is. I've slipped along the way, but you've always been there to right me again until I find my balance.
At our 1 year mark, I thought I was probably the happiest girl in the world because I was comfortable with "us" and had found an amazing friend in the Dom of my dreams. I couldn't possibly have imagined being any more content with our relationship. And yet again, you would surprise me.
Somewhere between months 12 and 13, you would go from being my "Professor" to becoming my "Daddy." I'm tearing up even writing this, I just know I could never put into words what that did for me. Before you, I had not ever had a man in my life to apply that label to. I had made it 26 years without a father and had convinced myself that I simply didn't need one. Not to mention, being the hard ass abrasive bitch I was, I would certainly have never admitted, to myself or anyone else, that I wanted one. But as that dynamic entered our relationship, I couldn't help but realize how good it felt and the way it made me smile. I had a Daddy......and I could not have been happier.
The last year has been tough....okay, I am being generous.....it has been hell. The stress, the drama, the chaos from outside influences has taken it's toll on me, you and us.....but regardless of what I have had to face, I have not once had to do it alone. You have *always* been there for me, with me, loving me, guiding me, calming me, centering me. And I only love you more for it.
What we have built over the past 2 short years is not something I would trade for anything in the world, Daddy. Aside from my children, you truly have my heart.
Prior to you, I never wanted to connect or care for a Dom.......but then I did.
Prior to you, I would have never sought or accepted a "Daddy Dom"........but then I did.
Prior to you, I had never worn a man's collar on my neck.......but then I did.
You have changed me, for the better, in more ways than I can count. You have fulfilled needs in me on a level that no one else ever has or even possibly could. You've painstakingly created the playground, complete with it's restrictive fences, upon which I could finally begin to grow up. You have become my best friend and I know in my heart that I have the world's best father. I smile each day simply knowing that I belong to you. Your statement of ownership is the best gift you could have ever given to me.
Your deep, resounding voice purring in my ear pulls at my inner submissive core. The variation is flux, tone & pitch when you raise your voice at me makes my entire body jump; where your lowest tone in a forced whisper, as your breath caresses my neck turns me on like nothing else.
The emotion in your gorgeous, dark, chocolate brown eyes is palpable and mesmerizing. Simply you capturing my glance from across the room elicits such a primal response within me. In scene or out, there are so many unspoken words transferring from your eyes to mine; it is a wavelength all our own. Watching as that cold, detached, sadistic wall rises in your otherwise warm & inviting eyes in a scene drives me crazy and I simply can't look away. When you smile, I melt. Your glare can reduce me to tears, not one word spoken.
Your touch.....ahh your touch. :) I am in deed very much in love with your paws. The strength as they pepper swats on my unprotected bottom & thighs takes my breath away every single time. The firmness of your grip around my wrist as you drag me along behind you across the room before flipping me down over your knee knots my stomach. The tenderness in your caress and firm kneading of my punished skin dips me into subspace. The way you tuck your hand beneath my chin to tilt my face up to yours as I kneel, the way you softly tuck loose tendrils of my hair behind my ear as I stand in the corner, the way my own hand fits so perfectly inside of yours......I truly love your hands, Sir.
Your arms holding me tightly in place over your knee as you paddle my bottom mercilessly sends a strange mix of helplessness and reassurance through my body like a lightening bolt. The safety I feel in those arms after I've been punished and am curled up like a little girl in your lap, sobbing into your perfectly pressed Oxford shirt, can not be measured. The warmth, the safety, the love in your embrace absolutely melts me every single time you pull me into a tight hug.
You are so much more to me than my Dom now. You are my best friend. You are my mentor. You are my tangible consequences. You are my behavioral compass. You are my parenting advice guru. You are my sounding board. You are my disciplinarian. You are my confidante. You are my Daddy.
There is nothing in this world that I would not do to please you, Sir. There is no distance measurable that I wouldn't go to simply to be in your arms or draped over your knee.
Pleasing you truly pleases me, in a way and on a level that I had not ever experienced before 'us.' I have been allowed to grow in my submission, under the watchful eye and firm guidance of your overwhelming dominance. Being your sub, your daughter, your little girl, your naughty, your brat, your pain slut, your masochist......makes me happier than I could ever tell you, Sir. Whether you say it with your voice, your eyes, your touch....."Mine".....is my favorite title in the world, second only to 'mommy.'
Daddy, the last 2 years was full of more surprises than either of us could have possibly imagined at the onset......but I would not have traded it for the world. We've grown closer to each other, we are stronger and we are better......simply because we have each other. I had no idea in February of 2012 that I was lost......but I was......and then you found me.......and I will forever be grateful. Fate. Luck. I do not know what the next 2 years has in store for us, Daddy, but I *do* know that whatever the future holds, I will never again be alone through it........
Because 2 years ago today......
I became *Yours*
And you, Sir, became *Mine*.
Happy Anniversary, Daddy. I love you!