Sunday, April 6, 2014
Stepping Into Submission
We will all have different experiences as we walk into TTWD. Some of us choose to explore our kink much earlier than others. Some only realize or accept/admit the interest much later in life. Some are "lifestylers" while others are not. Though the details will vary, there are distinct earmarks that will almost always present along your journey to finding true submission. Stages or phases so to speak, and each just as important as the last.
A good friend asked me to publish a post regarding these 'steps', as I had written a very similar email to her more than a year ago, and she hoped reading it now would help her again the second time around, and perhaps someone else as well. So here it is:
#1: Searching/Seeking Your Dom: Some of us don't even know for sure what it is we are seeking. Others are simply curious and looking for a 'playmate.' Some are marriage-minded and seeking their Dom in their spouse. This step is easily the most varied. Some of us will attend functions or social engagements to seek our dream Dom. Some will join like-minded websites, blogs, forums and post a profile. Still, others will not actively seek but somehow stumble upon Mr. Paddle-My-Bottom-Perfect.
**My Daddy and I sort of stumbled into one another, though in a spanking arena, we hadn't intentionally sought one another out but rather met while both caring for another younger spanko girlfriend of mine.**
#2: Meeting/Playing/"Honeymoon Phase": Similar to any vanilla relationship, your D/s relationship will likely also have a "Honeymoon Phase." This is the beautiful beginning, when you have just met and are getting a feel for one another. You're still relative strangers and your budding relationship is brand-spanking new.....literally. For the first several sessions and/or play dates........you're both unsure, awkward even as you strive to read each other's cues, expressions, body language, intent, etc. And though strained by the lack of comfort that only time will provide you, these first experiences and several weeks/months are amazing. No arguments or resentment or issues of any real depth.......just the two of you meshing your fantasy into a deliciously mind-numbing reality.
**I absolutely l-o-v-e-d this phase for my Dom and I. Though we both had other outside stressors in our lives, the first 3-4 months of sessions for us were just pure bliss.....well perhaps some of the actual punishments were less than blissful......but the learning, bonding & discovery phase was amazing. The more of him I got to know, the more of him I wanted. It was abundantly clear that he was exactly what I needed, wanted, craved and longed for much of my spanko life.**
#3: Testing: For some, this phase will creep in much earlier than for others, but rest assured it will happen to us all. I think it is truly human nature as you begin to emotionally attach to another person, whether in a vanilla relationship or a D/s relationship, there will come a time when you simply have to test the waters, test your partner, and test your bond.
Some of you will find yourself on this path by design, opting to intentionally test your Dom, to test his resolve. You'll purposely dance all over a hard line he has drawn, you'll intentionally be a brat.....simply to see how far you can push the envelope, how much he will take, if he is a man of his word, if he will follow through or if he will walk away. This behavior will naturally drive him crazy as he works to figure you out. An inexperienced Dom may find this challenging and enjoy it, but most with years of experience will be completely turned off by it.....but the best Doms, though annoyed, will understand this is driven by insecurity and work with you to prove his dedication, thus eliminating your fears that are driving the bratty behavior.
Others of us don't necessarily 'choose' this testing phase, but it happens naturally over time, much the same as it occurs in any vanilla romance. The closer you become to one another, the more comfortable you feel and so you relax and show him more of the "real" you. None of us enter a new relationship showcasing our short-comings......we all approach new relationships putting our best foot forward. We practice restraint when in the company of our new Dom, hoping to keep his interest after initially piquing it. As time goes by, you feel a certain level of comfort and begin to open up, and as you do it provides the unintentional form of this testing phase. Maybe you're less respectful, perhaps you swear a lot more, maybe you're an emotional wreck......who knows......whatever it is, it is finally revealed to your Dom and as I said before, the best though initially put off, will work with you to either understand & accept these newly discovered traits, or provide you the tools & consequences needed to change them.
**This phase for Daddy and I lasted far longer than I would have cared for. There were certainly a very difficult couple of months for us and our relationship. I had truly begun to care for this man, deeply.....but I just couldn't allow myself to admit it or to accept the fact that he did truly care for me as well. At times I would push him away and close myself off, other times I would blow up on him for no reason, or completely shut down from a simple scolding because I worried I'd never be 'good enough.' I can't remember any specific intentional testing phase.......at times I have intentionally crossed a line or given a sarcastic answer just to provoke him a little, but it has always been singular incidents, never an ongoing problem.**
#4: Dancing/Connecting: In a vanilla relationship, a lot of people will refer to this as a 2nd Honeymoon Phase. And in a way, they are quite similar phases........though with one HUGE differentiating factor.......time. You now truly know your partner. You have made it through the turbulent waters of your test phase. You are feeling more secure in your relationship. You have connected with your Dom and truly care for this man. And you know in your heart that this is reciprocated. He has proven himself to you. You have pushed him and he has not wavered. You know that he has your best interests at heart.
**I fondly recall this part of our relationship and laugh at times about the awkwardness. :) We had been together about a year and were very comfortable within our relationship. We had made real progress on many issues that had long influenced my life and happiness. We enjoyed one another's company and were very skillfully walking the line in balancing our friendship and our disciplinary dynamic. It was a great time. The "awkward" component comes in when I remember realizing, admitting and acknowledging to myself that I absolutely adored AND loved this man.....but hesitated to share the sentiment with him. The "L word" is not one I use lightly, nor does he, and I worried that if I had said it, it might somehow change us. We were after all balancing our amazing D/s relationship concurrently to his marriage and my own new romance. So I was incredibly careful to sensor that big L word for quite some time.**
#5: Loving/Committing: One blissful day along your journey in Dominance & submission, you will wake up and realize that the relationship you have built....the bond you have created....the challenges you two together have overcome.........is simply amazing. The emotional roller coaster has absolutely been worth it. You smile when you think of him. The way your stomach tightens so deliciously when his deep, resounding voice purrs certain phrases in your ear........"young lady"..."you were a naughty girl"..."do you understand me?"..."you deserve this spanking"..."let's discuss your behavior with my belt."
He now knows you, all of you and he is still here. You are both emotionally vested in your relationship. You long to please him, to win his approval and his pride. The phrase "good girl" from his lips is worth more than any amount of money in this world. You are now *His* and he is now *Yours*. And that title, that label is one you hold incredibly close to your heart......"Mine"......there are very few titles that could ever compete with that.
**Reaching this phase was nothing short of a miracle for Daddy & I, after almost literally walking through hell and back.....but the fact that we did, made it so much sweeter. I could literally relay to you our entire conversation on that day that Daddy and I both relayed that big, scary L word to one another. I almost laugh about it now that for so many months before I had worried so intensely about it somehow changing us, and then the moment it happened it was just a natural addition to the conversation. I can likewise, recall every detail of the circumstance & conversation present on the day that I first called him "Daddy." And as with sharing the word, "love", nothing had ever felt more 'right.' My own thought processes began to change quite dramatically.......whereas prior to reaching this stage, I had always weighed misbehavior against the punishment such as "well I can text and drive this time, it is worth a whipping".......it is something I refer to now as 'selective obedience'........I still held control and still actively chose whether or not to obey. In stark contrast, as I settled into this phase of our relationship and my submission, I removed the 'selective' portion of my obedience. I trusted my Dom implicitly and truly respected every mandate, rule or direction he gave to me. I still stumbled at times, and he was right there with a strong arm and trusty belt to help 'right me' again, but I stopped questioning and weighing offenses and started focusing on true obedience.**
#6: Absolution: The final stage/phase along the journey into submission is reaching the seemingly, at least at times, unachieveable level of absolute submission. I will pause here to say that no one and no relationship is or could ever be truly 'perfect'......that is not what this phase is about......or God knows I would *never* achieve it. This phase, to me, is *all* about intent.
It is about realizing that your submission is the source of his pleasure and that very fact now drives your behavior. It is about seeking to please him over yourself because you know in your heart that pleasing him, pleases you. It is waking up every morning and smiling knowing that you belong to this amazing man. It is yearning every day to put a smile on his face, to make him proud, to brighten his day. It is the point in your relationship that when he calls you on your inappropriate behavior, you no longer argue or question him, you look inside and question yourself. You listen when he speaks and absorb every word, truly taking his lessons to heart and striving to heed his advice and his warnings. You have known that you respect this man, you trust him, you love him, you want him.......but you now realize this is more than wanting.......you need him. Belonging to him makes you feel incredibly loved, cared for, cherished, safe........the security you now experience in your relationship is almost indescribable in it's perfection.
**This phase is still relatively new to me, but I am relishing every day of it. I see the changes that our relationship has made in my life and my happiness and I am incredibly appreciative. I'm a stubborn Irish girl and it took a *long* time for Daddy to get through to me on some things and usher me to this door of absolution. I fought it kicking and screaming at times, and at others tried to run far ahead of myself......but I have now, finally, more than 2 years later.....gotten to the point that I can say I strive every day to exhibit absolution in my submission. I rarely question my Dom and though at times it is a struggle, I work incredibly hard to ensure my behavior and/or responses are pleasing to my Daddy. I still battle with my impulses but am getting much better at catching it and stopping myself before my Dom has to step in and stop me, which would almost always inspire consequences. I've had an empty Punishment List for 2 months now and intend to keep it that way for far longer. It pleases me to know I have pleased him or made him proud. I realize how lucky I am to have found him and how much luckier I am to be called his own. I can not possibly describe in words how loved and honored I felt kneeling before him as he fastened his collar around my neck. I know I will never be perfect & Daddy will never be perfect....and that is okay, because together.....our relationship....most certainly *is* perfect.**