Monday, March 25, 2013
Ignorant Decisions = Serious Trouble
What is wrong with me?
Why do I do some of the dumbest shit at times when I know better?
I don't understand myself at times, I truly don't. I'm still away from home and my Daddy. I'm homesick and though we email and call regularly, I miss Him like crazy. I know when I finally get home to him, I'll never want to leave his embrace.
The other day I made a really ignorant decision.......I mean *really* ignorant. I only intended to do something fun for my son. I only planned to have a nice day and a little 'get away' for me and my son while I had him with me here away from home. I never meant to be naughty. The problem is I was in NO position to drive......even just a few blocks.....and I knew it. I had a recent head injury. Apparently my Wonder Woman Complex kicked in and I diagnosed myself as "perfectly fine" and decided I could drive the few blocks to an egg hunt with my son. Stupid, stupid, stupid. We didn't make it to the egg hunt. We made it only a few blocks before we were in an accident. Very minor, all things considered, thankfully. No one was hurt, only damage to vehicles.......we were lucky.
I felt horrible knowing my decision had put not myself, but my son.....my baby.....in serious danger. I felt fine......I really did. I thought the doctors were being overly cautious. I again just diagnosed myself. I still feel horribly guilty for risking so much.......my son is my life.
I called Dad from the accident scene.......hysterical......and he calmed me down and sssshhhh'd me enough that I was coherent enough to make it through the police formalities. But I knew he was angry.
We spoke this morning and that was certainly confirmed. He told me that he knew Saturday when it happened and I was so upset that he couldn't compound it and scold me then because he needed to know my son and I were okay. But now, after a couple days, he told me how he'd felt. He is more angry at me now than he has ever been prior to this. That scared me. Daddy doesn't do angry often. He is a very mild tempered man. He is always measured and controlled. The one and only time I can recall making him truly angry is when I had defied him and risked my life doing it.......that punishment was horrible, but the anger & disappointment was worse.
Before He and I spoke this morning, I hadn't realized that what I had done on Saturday was choose to defy his direct orders to me. He had told me, very clearly, to obey the doctors orders (take meds, allow testing, relax, recover and get home). I knew I'd be in trouble with Daddy for endangering myself and my son......which is a serious enough offense and something I'll likely never forgive myself for. But until we spoke this morning, I hadn't even considered that my choosing to ignore the medical advice & drive was also deliberately defying my father. Something I had *never* wanted to do again. Tears began to slowly roll down my cheeks as he scolded me on the phone. I listened to his every word and knew he was right.......and he was in deed very, *very* angry at me. He didn't yell, he rarely does......he was quiet......too quiet.......eerily quiet. It is when he is quiet and intense with me that I know I am in very *serious* trouble. He lectured and I cried........speaking only to add an occasional and very meek "yes Sir" or "no Sir." He knew I was upset, the man can read my mind at times.......and he knew my main concern so he reassured me immediately that "we are okay". He of course reiterated the fact that I am still in very serious trouble, he is still furious, and I can expect an extremely severe punishment spanking session for this once I'm home......but he still ended the call with our "I love you."
After hanging up, I just cried. I feel horrible for what could have happened. All the "what ifs" and serious ramifications there could have been because of my one stupid decision. I feel horrible knowing I let my Wonder Woman Complex cloud my own better judgement as a mother and put my baby in jeopardy. I feel 2 inches tall now realizing that I have, once again, knowingly (intentional or not....I knew) defied my Daddy. I remember the only other time I defied him and angered him like this......I remember how hard the spanking was.......I remember how crushing it was when he left me, for the first time ever, immediately after whipping me........I remember how loved I felt when he came back an hour later because he knew I was broken........I remember how tightly he held me to his chest as I bawled my eyes out........I remember kneeling in front of him and tearfully promising him that I would never again defy him. And now........well now I am a mess.......because though I never meant to and didn't even think about it........I have now broken that promise. :( I defied my Daddy and again put his little girl in danger because I think I'm Wonder Woman at times. I feel so horribly guilty and ashamed of myself right now. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry some more. And I'm scared.......really scared. I have only once before had to face an angry Daddy........and now I've earned myself a repeat of that unpleasant experience with the promise that this time is *far* worse. :(