Sunday, January 11, 2015
A Lesson I Never Saw Coming
January 11th, 2015
What is it about you that has changed the girl I was? The woman I am growing into?
What is it about you that makes me want more?
I have always been an over-achiever, but having you has pushed me even further. Why?
You have guided and directed me through an amazing transformation thus far; but still I want more.
You inspire me each day to want more, to demand more of myself, to seek more from life.
Initially I am not certain if the changes I acquiesced to were for me, or for you.
Actually, I am relatively certain they were for you. I wanted to please you. I needed you to be proud of me. And yet now, looking back, I see they are changes that I needed to make in order to please myself too.
Having you in my life has made me happy. Belonging to you, being *your* little girl has made me happy. Earning your pride, your love, your affections has made me happy. But.....the woman I am becoming under your watchful, protective eye & harsh, disciplinary hand is making me happy too.
I think in the beginning it was more a fantasy. A role play of sorts. A game (though I hate the term).
Over time, fantasy morphed with reality and I realized that you, we, meant more to me than I ever anticipated. As much as you demanded I obey.....I truly longed to obey. Winning your esteem was my focus. Your approval meant everything to me, and still does today.
When I cross the line now, my first concern is never the punishment I will endure as a result, like it was in the beginning. My first concern now is the knowledge that I have disappointed you, I have let you down, I have displeased you. That is far more painful to me than the spanking I will receive for my actions. I actually crave and look forward to the punishment, albeit anxiously, because I know that is my key to a clean slate, a way for me to pay for my poor choices, the path to your forgiveness.
When I think of all we have been through together, the time that has elapsed, the lessons learned, the relationship we have built.....I smile.
But I also analyze.
Somewhere along the journey of us, you somehow morphed your caring for me into me caring for me. And that Sir, is a lesson I never saw coming.