Friday, January 23, 2015
January 23, 2015
It is no big secret that I have trust issues. I can't actually remember a time when I didn't. It's just something I long ago determined was an innate part of me that I had to accept.
I guess somewhere inside of my cluttered mind I am convinced, if I don't extend trust then I don't open myself up to being hurt or let down. Over the last three years, my Daddy Dom has tried to show me that trusting selectively can be and most often is worth it. By refusing to trust the nature of others, I protect myself from inevitable disappointment but I am also missing out on a full, happy life. I suppose on some level I understand his logic.
It isn't as if I trust no one at all. I implicitly trust my Daddy Dom. I have a very small group of true friends that I trust as well. My brothers make the list as well. And anything with four legs has my vote of confidence. That is likely about the extent of the list.
As I face yet another health care hurdle, I am having issues with letting go of the control and trusting my physicians. Even though they are world-class doctors, personal friends of mine, colleagues who have only my best interest at heart. I know it makes no sense, but I am struggling. It isn't that I doubt their abilities. It is simply the lack of control. I can not seem to let go of the reigns long enough to allow them to help me beat this.
Strange, that. I am a submissive AND a control freak. Odd combination, I know but it is absolutely an accurate depiction of the paradox that is me.
It is different with him.......because HE is different. HE has never let me down, never disappointed me, never deceived me, never failed me, never left me. I can trust him. I can let go of control with him. I can submit, acquiesce, give in and know in my head and in my heart that he will take care of me. Placing that trust in others is incredibly difficult and bordering on impossible for me.
I need to make a decision in the immediate future regarding my care and I still find myself struggling with the prospect of fully trusting and relinquishing control to my medical team. But Daddy doesn't and insists I should be able to do this. To trust them, to give up some control for a short time.
Why is this so difficult for me?
Perhaps if I can not convince myself that it is okay to relinquish control to them, I can convince myself to relinquish control to Him and rely on my trust in him and his trust in them.
It is similar to my own children and I, in a way. My kids do not trust their pediatrician, but I do, which makes them okay with it. My kids do not select and trust their own educators, daycare providers, coaches, tutors.....but I do and I trust them, which makes them also okay with trusting these people. I am teaching my children to selectively trust other people to act in their best interest, and yet I, myself, continue to struggle with it at 29. Mind boggling.
But perhaps I can use the same logic to make this decision. If I can not give up control enough to put my full trust into my medical team when I know the decision needs made, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I *can* fully trust my Daddy and relinquish the control to him and depend on his trust, as my protector, in them.
So many thoughts.
So little time.