I still have not been able to write about my recent punishment session with Professor. It was incredibly difficult on many levels. I will eventually post the actual session; but for now here is the email I sent to him the day after our session and his response to me. It will give you a decent glimpse into the session and serve to explain the emotional complexity that has kept me from writing our actual session yet.
Yesterday....so much to say, but where to begin? Since you know everything that happened prior to you leaving, I will start there. When you sat the phone next to me and left....just typing that is difficult....you have never left me, Professor. You've walked out briefly but always were still there, and when you sat the phone next to me, I knew you were actually leaving. When the door closed, I was, in a word: broken. I wanted so badly to run after you but I couldn't. I was frozen in place by your instructions. Standing there, I cried and I waited...10 minutes....15....20....time seemed to crawl. I picked up my phone....I wanted to call, to text but I couldn't. 30 minutes, it rang and I answered. I was still crying, stunned that you had really left me. The entire call I was so torn.....submission or impulse. On one hand I knew that my defying you certainly warranted the punishment. On the other, I wanted you to come back.....I needed you to come back. I
am impatient and "I'll call you tomorrow" seemed like an eternity but if I argued or asked you to come back, I would be questioning your decision. Torn....the entire 2 minutes and 18 seconds of the call.
But by the end of the call, I realized there wasn't a decision to be made...not by me, anyway....my need to please you meant I would submit without question. After hanging up, I curled up on the couch, crying into the pillow and my over-analytical mind raced between the: "I can't believe he left me. Why did he leave me?" and the: "Shut up idiot, you know why he left and you did this to yourself." You have *never* left me, Professor. I was heartbroken and scared and alone. You left me standing in the corner.....you had not smiled, you had not pulled me into a hug.....it was not over for me....I hadn't been forgiven. Laying there I again fought the impulse to call and beg you to come back.....I couldn't do it....tomorrow....you said you would call me tomorrow.....so I had to wait until tomorrow. I hated it. I turned the volume off on my phone and just laid there curled up on the couch crying. I only today noticed the text message you had sent me saying you were coming back. With my phone muted, I didn't see it yesterday, I didn't know you were coming back until you came through the door. You had come back to me. I could have stood there in that hug all day, I didn't want to let you go.
Professor, you told me not to think that you were weak for coming back. I have thought a lot between now and then and that thought has not once entered my mind. I know better. I would not have the respect that I do for you if I thought I could manipulate you or that you were in any way weak. Your firmness fights your intelligence for my favorite Professor asset. I would only use the adjective "weak" in assessing your knowledge of designer handbags. Weakness was not conveyed by your choosing to come back.....but let me tell you what it *did* say to me.
I still have not decided if it was due to the crazy boy stress or maybe some irrational abandonment fear but I needed you to come back. I wanted you to come back.....but more than that, I *needed* you to come back. My need to please you and submit to you won out over impulse and I didn't articulate that need to you, I couldn't, I hated it but I accepted your decision and submitted. When the door opened and I heard your voice, "stand up", I was almost in that moment as shocked as I'd been that you had left. I did not ask you to come back....I wanted to, but I didn't. I had not articulated that need......I didn't have to....you knew....and you came back for me. Professor, in the 9 months that I have been your girl....you have done a lot for me....you've shown me so much, taught me so much....but what you gave me by coming back for me yesterday is without a doubt the most important to me.
Professor you would have been justified in not coming back. What I did by defying you was horrible. Defiance and disrespect that blatant can and does end D/s relationships, particularly those disciplinary in nature. As much as it hurt knowing you had walked away from me, I knew it could have been worse. I hated it, it crushed me but I knew I deserved it and as much as it hurt, I knew I trusted you and would accept it. If you hadn't come back the hurt would have lingered, I would be scared, unsure. I needed you Professor....I didn't say it, I didn't have to....you knew. Knowing that, typing it even now brings tears to my eyes. You knew I needed you and you came back for me....not because you're weak, because you care. I can not begin to express it all or thank you enough for what you did by coming back and what that act said to me.
I am not much of an emotional girl.....I can easily transfer any unpleasant emotion (i.e. fear, hurt, sadness) into anger and I often do because it is 'safe' for me. I intentionally keep people at arms length because I have been hurt. I try not to let my guard down, not to let people in, not to get 'too close' because it is when you are comfortable that you are weak.....you can be hurt only when you trust. Trust, love, open emotion makes a person vulnerable. I learned these things early in my life and have navigated most relationships in this way to protect myself and I suppose that void-of-emotion, abrasive bitch persona has served her purpose. The thing about a D/s relationship is that I *had* to open up if I wanted this to work. It was March 3....the day after our first ever in-person meeting.....you were still very new to me but I knew I wanted this to work. I didn't blindly trust but I might as well have. When I have tested you Professor, you've
never backed down. When I have needed you, I ask and you're right there. But yesterday I didn't ask....I simply trusted and you knew I needed you. That was *HUGE* for me.
You could *very* easily hurt me Professor, because I trust you and because that trust allowed me to open myself up to you. I care so much for you that I have armed you myself with the ammunition you could use to hurt me. But even considering that fact, and knowing how much you could hurt me, I have never felt the security that I did yesterday when you came back and held me. People are jerks Professor.....and I trust selectively because of that, I love selectively because of that.....yesterday you showed me how right I was to trust you. Thank you Sir.
As for the warning, "if you ever defy me again, you will be left alone in your room, your tears will not change that".......yes Sir I understand that but you will win the lottery, be attacked by Jaws and struck by lightening all in the same day before I ever defy you again. :) Thank you, Sir.
I know this, Natalie. I also know that you understand why you were wrong, that you won't do it again, and I know that you have been through enough.