Saturday, October 20, 2012
What Did I Do?
I am a thinker. I analyze. I test. Poke & prod. I dissect. Yep, I think a lot.......until I don't think at all.
Two weeks ago now, I made a pretty damn ignorant decision. I can't specifically lay out the details of my offense, but the following information should clear this up for you.
To anyone in a D/s or DD relationship, regardless of your individual rules or guidelines, we all are pretty screwed if an offense violates one of the 4 D's. Disrespect, Dishonesty, Disobedience or Dangerous.
An overachiever, I chose to combine all 4 of them resulting in nothing short of outright DEFIANCE.
It wasn't at all my intent to be defiant. I had altruistic intentions of "fixing" a bad situation. The problem is my thinking was off.....WAY off. Professor had told me "NO".....more than once. I understand now that his "NO" was appropriate. But at the time, I thought he was being overprotective and that he doubted my ability to "fix" this. I hate even writing this, but it is the truth, when I made the decision I made I had just decided that I knew better than he did.
So a few days from the last discussion and firm "No." I waited until Professor was less available and further geographically from the situation. I had made up my mind. I was right and I was just going to have to show him how right I was.
My "plan" didn't unfold as I had anticipated. That pissed me off enough but knowing I would have to tell Professor what I had done, was worse. I expected a lecture. I expected an entry on my punishment list. I expected he would be irritated. I *never* expected what I got.
What I did was extremely dangerous.....check.
The choice I made was disobedient, he had told me "NO" more than once........check.
I did this behind his back and kept him in the dark, so by omission I was dishonest.......check.
Explicit details or not, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how this was disrespectful.
Funny thing, in all of the pre-game thinking I had done; I didn't consider any of this. **sighs**
Professor returned a day after I had attempted my plan. He called to check in on me and I told him what I had done. The silence was deafening. I almost thought the call had dropped.
"Are you serious?"
Those three words weren't what turned my stomach; it was his tone of voice.
I very quickly tried to point out how if my plan had only gone as I wanted then I could of maybe been right.
He pointed out the small fact that if my plan had gone off much worse then it wouldn't have mattered.....right and wrong don't mean a thing in DEAD!
I have been Professor's girl for 9 or 10 months now. I have become very accustomed to certain things.......one of those things is my expectation of his reactions. Professor is very strict but he is reasonable. Firm but caring. I have irritated him. I have disappointed him. I have tested his patience. One thing I have *not* done was infuriate the man.....until now.
That fact alone scared me because Professor has to be one of the most mild-tempered men I know. His responses are always well thought out, measured, calculated. He does not yell at me; he will raise his voice on occasion to emphasize a point and while it makes me jump every time he does it......his quiet worries me more.
I tried to explain the decision I made. I tried to excuse the fact that I'd been disobedient by pointing out the fact that I felt I took precautions. I tried to justify my ignorance. I talked pretty fast for about 90 seconds until he stopped me.
"It is taking every ounce of self-restraint I have to not hang up this damn phone and not talk to you again for a week."
I was almost speechless. He has never ignored me.....ever. I've not ever experienced anger from him. As I said, he hardly has a temper but apparently endangering his girl, behind his back and against his mandate is a very quick way to find his temper. He lectured and he was not at all open to hearing a peep out of me. He pointed out the seriousness of what I had done and a dozen possible outcomes for the choices I had made (none of them on board with my original master plan).
As I listened to him, it started to dawn on me what I had truly done. What that decision could have meant. What a slap in his face my choice had been. And it hurt.....it hurt a lot. I apologized.....I was sorry.....very sorry.....and scared.
Would he really ignore me? Were we going to be okay? How could I be so stupid? Will I be able to fix this?
In 9 months, with all I have done wrong and every button I have pushed, I have not ever made Professor angry like this. He was disappointed but he was so incredibly angry. By the end of our phone call, I was crying. We spoke about it over the next several days but it was nowhere near resolved. Days later he was still furious and I was still upset knowing I had caused that anger. I stressed and tried to behave. With the chaos surrounding the situation, Professor continued to reassure and support me.....even though I didn't deserve it. We had a couple 'casual' chats about other things but it was painfully obvious that there was still this HUGE issue in between the two of us.....and I hated that.
Just this last Wednesday, Professor and I spent the afternoon together and "discussed" the situation. That is an entirely separate post...............