I Never Really Leave You, Baby

08/05/2014

That is what my Daddy said to me this past Sunday before he departed for his annual 3 week family vacation.

{{Sighs}}

And though I understand the sentiment and know it is true that he is always with me, in my head and in my heart, I am still incredibly moody and feeling lost and unanchored without him here with me.

I have struggled with this every year since becoming my Daddy's little girl. On one hand I am excited for him that he is getting 3 weeks away from his busy, chaotic life to spend quality time with his boys (who, like my own, are growing up way too fast). But on the other hand I despise the limited connectivity and unanchored feeling.

The balance of the year we talk every single day by phone and more than that via instant messaging. When Daddy is gone on his family vacation on the lake, service is spotty and I am lucky to get one call a week and a handful of messages. So I essentially go from instant Daddy at my fingertips to ZERO Daddy unless it is urgent & I wait forever. Ughh.

I know it is childish to throw a fit over it but I somehow can not stop it from effecting my mood. I feel an uneasy sort of freedom that I truly do *not* like when he & I are geographically separated.....and particularly when our communication is so limited. 

I have misbehaved in the past during his time away simply because I could, because he was not here to stop me.....but that never ends up working out well for me.....or my bottom. Daddy *always* comes home and the man knows *everything*. Not to mention, when I am naughty in his absence, my punishment is always much more severe and my Daddy comes home disappointed in me.....and I am disappointed in myself for letting him down. 

I am capable of behaving for 3 weeks in his absence, but the little girl inside of me keeps egging me on to misbehave just to capture his disciplinary attention......and I continue to tell her to "shut up." I far prefer the "happy Daddy" reunions......it is just the getting there that seems daunting.

I know I will be okay and survive this year, just as I have the last several years.....but looking at it the first few days just overwhelms me and makes me cry. I then get over-analytical and criticize myself wondering if the immediate shift in my mood upon his departure makes me co-dependent or simply a Daddy's girl who misses her Daddy.

{{Sighs}}

Today is only day #3 out of 22 and I am just a ball of emotional energy. I flash between smiling knowing he is having a great time and sobbing knowing I'm not even half way through yet. He truly is my best friend, my anchor, my sounding board, my compass in life and I just feel incredibly alone and adrift without him here.

I replay his words over and over in my head: 

***   "I never really leave you, baby."
***   "When you're a good girl, you get rewarded. When you're a bad girl, you get punished. I'm going 3 weeks without spanking so if you are a bad girl then you'll be getting a very long, hard spanking when I return and I promise you do not want that, young lady."
***   "I will be watching you and I will be home to you soon."
***   "Raise your guard & behave the way I expect you to or when I come home you will be a very sorry little girl for letting me down."
***   "Be my good little girl while Daddy is away so I am proud of you when I return."
***   "I will miss you too. I love you."

{{Sighs and sniffles}}

I miss my Daddy. It has only been 3 days but I miss his deep, penetrating, silky smooth voice. I miss his gorgeous chocolate brown eyes. I miss his large, strong hands. I miss his handsome face. I miss the love and security I feel wrapped up in his strong arms. I miss his smell. I miss his touch. I miss his smile, his humor, his wit, his serious demeanor.

Hell.....I miss everything and I just want my Daddy back!