I Am A What???

09/18/2013

Now, I am not a thin-skinned girl. 

I don't take offense to many things.

I've been called all sorts of things in my life:

• Bitch (stop giggling and pretend to be shocked). 
• Heartless (I do have a heart.....whether it is two sizes too small is yet to be determined).
• Stupid (stupid girls don't get into med school).
• Arrogant (you might have me there).

You get the idea. Lots of cute, sweet, endearing labels applied by clearly innocent, intuitive, well-meaning human beings just reaching out to brighten my day or point my wayward lil self down the right path......VIA BLOGGER!  :)  

Now, again, not much makes me pause to take offense.........but today, I paused to laugh until I nearly pissed my pants. Let me share this newest pearl of wisdom with you all, my friends:

***Drumroll please***

Miss Imp,

I'd like to tell you that I am praying for your soul and salvation. You are truly a demon. This savagery you partake in is against God's will. If you do not turn from your wicked ways, I am afraid that you and your Daddy are headed straight for Hell. Those ever-burning embers are beckoning each of you that participates in this disturbing trend of spanking. I am outraged and disturbed every time I read this blog. I lose sleep over this growing concern I have for your souls. Please lay down the paddles and pick up a Bible, before it is too late.

Anonymous Reader

I simply could not refuse to address this heart-warming letter of deep concern.  :)  

You know how some things in life are layered so perfectly that indulging in them is next to impossible? Like phenomenal foreplay followed by mind-blowing orgasmic sex.........or an Oreo cookie dipped in crunchy peanut butter. Unavoidable bliss............this message is *exactly* like that for me (I apologize to Oreo).  :) Allow me to walk you all through my layer by layer enjoyment of this message. 

• "I'd like to tell you that I am praying for your soul and salvation."  :  Isn't this sweet? I have no idea who you are and yet you mention me by name to your God? Adorable, really......a bit creepy.....but adorable, none the less. Please don't be offended to discover that I *never* think of you. 
• "You are truly a demon."  :  This statement nearly made me piss my pants. I have been called many things in life, but a DEMON??? Really??? I am truly flattered. 
• "This savagery you partake in is against God's will. "  :  First, I kind of get off on 'savagery.' Second, my kink is against God's will?? Really?? I try to be a reasonable person, but since I don't have God's cell phone number I guess I will take your word for this........but if I may say so um respectfully (cough cough) doesn't you God have bigger concerns?? Starving children in Africa perhaps? Horrific, debilitating diseases? Global warming? Republicans in Congress? 
• "If you do not turn from your wicked ways, I am afraid that you and your Daddy are headed straight for Hell. "  :  Promise?? You mean it?? (jumping up & down doing my happy dance) I truly thought it would be harder to earn my membership in Hell......I am sooo relieved. Here is the problem with that threat.......condemning a masochist to an eternity of torture at the hands of sadistic tormentors is no threat at all. :) I'd pay admittance to this kind of thing. I do so hope that my Daddy and I get to buy real estate in the same cul-de-sac in Hell so he can come and go at his leisure to torture me......often. 
• "Those ever-burning embers are beckoning each of you that participates in this disturbing trend of spanking."  :  You are talented, my friend. Maybe Hell will commission you to write the travel brochures. Using words like "beckoning" is sure to gain interest. :)  You're marketing this place to sound like an elusive resort or exclusive country club. Oh and footnote......spanking isn't exactly a 'trend'......it may be a verb, a noun, an adjective, a hobby, a lifestyle, a kink.......but not a 'trend' per se......."we" existed L-O-N-G before 50 Shades was ever written.
•  "I am outraged and disturbed every time I read this blog. "  :  Oooh here's a thought.....STOP reading this blog! I mean I enjoy the numbers and everything but I don't want to be responsible for outraging and disturbing such a disturbed....err I mean....lovely individual. :)
• "I lose sleep over this growing concern I have for your souls."  :  Unisom.....try some Unisom....you'll sleep like a baby. Besides, you need to be well-rested and at your best to focus on my soul.....it's a lil demon....errr.....devil.....um or.....oh screw it. 
• "Please lay down the paddles and pick up a Bible, before it is too late."  :  Literary gold! This is clearly bumper sticker material!!! Wait, wait, wait......I'm confused......aren't you religious types the "spare the rod" group? Oy vey! Now back to your suggestion.......I looked at a Bible and I suppose it is heavy enough that it might sting my bottom if exchanged for a paddle.......but I'll be hard-pressed to convince my Dom that I oughta be punished with paper implements. 
• "Anonymous Reader"  :  Ah yes, the miracles of technology.....virtually reaching out to touch strangers from the comfortable compartments of your diluted mind and being afforded the luxury of doing so with the protection of your anonymity. God Bless America.......and Google. :) 

Now I am not entirely certain what planet this lunatic fell from, but their email was truly hysterical. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard........and hell yes I nearly peed my pants........wouldn't you?  :)  

If any other crazed reader wishes to pray for my soul......please make sure you refer to me as "the Irish Imp Demon" when you pray to your God so he knows who I am. :) Also, pray for my salvation when you're well rested; sleep does a body good. And lastly, after such prayers, do not send me mail or comments like the above.......why? I DON'T CARE! Not trying to be mean, but I am not a religious girl.....so I don't give a shit what you or your God think about me getting my ass whipped. :)  Capice? 

Now, perhaps I am wrong. Maybe there is a God. I figure it is a 50/50 chance and I am winning either way:

#1: There is no God and I am RIGHT (reward in and of itself.....I love being right)

~~~OR~~~

#2: I am wrong, there is a God, I lived my life pissing him off and now I get a 1st class ticket to Hell (Torture? Check! Torment? Check! Pain? Check!.........Sign me up!) 

Yours Truly,

Irish Imp Demon :)

PS. Is *this* one of the holy men who preach the word of the "God" to which you refer? Just curious :)