I get emails & comments (public and private) on my blog every day. Most, very pleasant and complimenting my writing or stopping by to say "hi" to a fellow D/s and spanko girl. Some curious and asking questions that I have no problem answering. A few who hate our kink and feel the need to send me derogatory comments as if it will change my views.
I knew when I started this blog that I would be opening myself and my amazing D/s relationship up to criticism and it didn't bother me because I am proud of my relationship, I enjoy sharing this vital facet of who I am with others, and I knew my relationship could withstand the occasional insult-fest because neither my Dom, nor I, are weak minded or thin skinned people.
Today as I sat reviewing and publishing comments on my latest blog post, I saw a private message in my inbox and when I opened and read it......I was stunned. Being an over-analyzing girl by nature, I am of course still digesting this message.....but it really bothered me and I wanted to share it, and my thoughts as I try to sort it out myself. I welcome your comments or feedback as always......but am almost requesting it on this particular topic because I am almost not certain what to think, say, feel, etc.
Here is a copy & paste of the message that has consumed my thoughts tonight:
I don't know if you read private messages but I hope this gets through. I try not to judge other people; I'm a "live and let live" kind of person. I discovered a few months back that my husband is involved in this lifestyle and has a relationship he has kept from me. Though I have known of his interest in D/s for years, my finding out by chance (an unlocked computer) that he is actively in a relationship he had hidden from me, still has me reeling. I've not yet even told him I know; I imagine part of me is still holding out hope that he will trust me enough to tell me himself. I've spent the last few months reading blogs similar to yours. You, too, are doing this with a married man, correct? At any level does this bother you? Even if you insist your relationship is not sexual, do you not see that what you're doing is far worse? It is very clearly emotional infidelity. Reading your writing, it is evident that you truly do love and respect this man.....how can you not respect his marriage and family? You fulfill a need for one another, but at what cost? What about the needs of his marriage? His children? Do you not understand that you are damaging his marriage and family? For what.....the thrill of your kink? Is it really that much more important than a marriage? I'm sorry, again I am not trying to be hateful or judge you personally....but learning of this has devastated me. I thought I was happy, I thought my marriage was healthy, I love my husband....but I now know that he doesn't trust me enough to be honest with me. His needs are met by a woman I do not know. Reading their messages to one another, it is clear that they are very emotionally attached to one another. It quite frankly breaks my heart. I'd have an easier time processing a physical affair......knowing that he has an emotional connection with another woman is far more painful to me. How do you justify this in your mind? Do you realize that your selfish wants may well be destroying this man's marriage and the children that are a product of that marriage? Sex or not, you are basically his mistress. ---kay---
Initially reading this message, I felt defensive.
Yes, my Dom is married. I, too, am in a separate romantic relationship. No, our Dominance & submission has not ever crossed the line into sexual contact. Of course there are undeniable sexual undertones to our kink, we don't deny that, but acting on that is a personal choice within your D/s relationship.....and we honestly haven't. Yes, both of our significant others know of our relationship, but it isn't something we throw in their faces. Mistress?? I am his submissive, I am his spanko toy, I am his brat, I am his daughter, I am his naughty girl, I am his masochistic pain slut, I am his little girl........I am not his mistress.
After the immediate defense of my relationship subsided, this woman's email really sort of started to bother me.
I, personally, have always felt that we (Daddy & I) have explored our connection & kink in a way that is respectful of his marriage. We don't advertise our relationship as far as public videos that disclose identity, etc. We have boundaries......I am not calling the man at 2am when he is in bed with his wife. We are not spending our weekends away together on trips submerged in our kink......we are both home, with our families, being parents.
I simply have never felt or thought that we (Daddy & I) had crossed any seriously detrimental line. I've always sort of loved the way we balance what we share with our "real lives."
Emotional infidelity? That's probably the statement that struck a nerve with me more than anything else. I don't think we could share the phenomenal intensity of true Dominance and submission without an emotional connection with one another. I trust this man with my life, I respect him more than anyone else in this world, I admire him in much the same way any girl admires her Daddy, I absolutely adore being *His* little girl. I am incredibly close to my Dom. He has become my best friend; I can and do talk to him about everything. He's a sounding board when I'm lost as a parent. He is guidance when I'm struggling professionally. He is reliable & rational advice when I am confused or conflicted in my relationship with my significant other. He is the calm, soothing voice on the other end of the phone when I'm upset or having a bad day. He *is* my father. I love him more than I could ever possibly express.
I've not ever felt that there had to be a competition or choice between our vanilla romances or our D/s relationship. Why can't both exist? I do understand that without open communication or clear boundaries or rational partners (either in the marriage or the D/s) that these two very different dynamics could clash and be detrimental to the other.
I have always felt that I've respected and been protective of my Dom's family life, his professional life, his identity and his marriage. I am very aware that not everyone would understand our relationship. I love my Daddy and would do anything to protect him. If what he & I share ever became an issue in his "real life" and he had to walk away, I would respect that decision. As difficult as it would be on a personal level, I would understand and expect him to put his "real life" & family first. I love my father and the relationship we have built.......the satisfaction I get, my pleasure is derived solely from knowing I am pleasing him........when I prioritize the intricacies of our amazing D/s connection it is in the following order:
1: He ; 2: We ; 3: Me.
That means that in everything, I will put him first.......his wants, needs, desires, happiness, pleasure.......it is what I will always put first as his submissive........if I were ever a problem for him in his marriage, relationships with his children, professional life, etc I would sacrifice my own happiness to ensure his.