Naughty Irish Imp

Naughty Irish Imp

Monday, September 23, 2013

Infidelity #2 (The Non-Dom's Response)


I posted a letter on my blog a couple days ago that I had received from a woman who was struggling to accept her husband's D/s relationship. She told me that unless our D/s partners are our own spouses, then what we are doing is equivalent to "emotional infidelity". I responded both privately to this woman's email and also publicly here on my blog. Several readers replied and debated the topic. My Daddy Dom and I spoke privately about it. Many of my D/s friends and I discussed it.

One response I received was completely unexpected. It came from my own significant other. He and I have been together since Feb. of this year. My D/s relationship was one of the first things I disclosed to him when we began dating and I explained to him that this is a vital facet of my life & not something I would even contemplate giving up in exchange for romance. He listened, he asked questions, he's spoken to my Daddy.....he admits he may never fully understand, but he realizes this is not negotiable for me and he has openly supported my D/s relationship from day #1. 

I hadn't even mentioned, to my significant other, this woman's email to me or the blog post I wrote in response to it. But apparently he visited my blog, read it and decided to send a reply himself.....addressed not to me, but to the woman who had emailed me. Here it is: 



Your animosity though understandable, is not warranted as it appears the target of your anger is every person in the BDSM & D/s community. These people aren't the source of your own relationship problems; it seems insufficient communication is the real culprit, not this kink. 

I'm not "one of them"; I am actually "one of you"....I am a 'vanilla'. And I too am in love with a 'spanko'.....the owner of the blog & recipient of your angry email is my girl. 

I may never understand the ins and outs of Dominance and submission, spanking, discipline, bondage and the like.....but what I do understand is far more important to me. I understand that the woman I love is incredibly complex, as are most human beings. I understand that as much as we love on another, we could never possibly meet every need each other has. I understand that D/s, spanking & discipline is more to her than a kinky form of is a need she has both emotionally & physically. She was born this way, I was not. I understand that I could never be what she wants or needs within this realm of her life....BUT I also understand that if this need wasn't met, she wouldn't be happy. 

I haven't ever equated my girl's D/s relationship with her Dom as "emotional infidelity" or in any way a detriment to her relationship with me, or with her son. These are entirely different relationships; each meeting different needs within the parties involved. Yes, I understand there is a sexual component to Dom/sub and spanking but even that doesn't bother me because there has always been an open dialogue. I don't feel threatened knowing a spanking session with her Dom turns her on....any more than she would feel threatened knowing an elevator ride with an attractive leggy blonde would turn me on. The brain is the most sensitive sexual organ in your body.....being in a committed relationship doesn't make it impossible for others to stimulate your mind or body. 

I think the significant difference in the way you view your partner's D/s relationship and the way I view my girl's D/s relationship hinges on one thing: knowledge. I've known since we began dating that this is an important part of the woman I love. We talk about it, I've asked questions and she answers, I've overheard their communication, I've seen the effects her Dom has on her. I know the relationship she has with her father makes her extremely happy and is extremely important to her.....I love her and will happily support their relationship, thankful that he can meet her needs in ways I simply never could. I want her happy......her Dom and their dynamic is an important part of what makes the woman I love truly happy. 

I know a lot about my girl's D/s relationship and have very little reservation. You know very little about your significant other's D/s relationship and have a lot of reservation. Do you see the problem here? It is not the kink that has hurt is the lack of communication with your partner. You may fear the unknown of the D/s relationship you've discovered......but your anger & deep hurt is a consequence of the lacking communication. The fault here clearly lies in poor communication......not this kink.


I might kind of love this guy.  :)  


  1. It sounds like you've found a keeper there. I love how he explains that it isn't just a kink for you, but part of who you are.