Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Could You, Would You, Sir
I've been contemplating going through with something that my Daddy Dom is *adamantly* against lately. Just the consideration has led to numerous sleepless nights. It is never easy for me to do anything that I know will displease him. And even harder still to ever consider doing something that would be outright defiance. And yet I linger, here, in this confusing headspace.
My Dom has never been one to dictate arbitrarily. He has always been more than open to discussing or explaining any boundary he has set. He takes my happiness into account in any decision he makes for me. And he will listen to any reasonable rebuttal I offer; note the word 'reasonable'.....he will not tolerate nonsense whining.
This particular issue we have discussed numerous times. Most often my reasons being lack of patience, frustration at the situation or impulsivity.....each of which he firmly calls me on. And again we go back to square one.....NO, because he said so. Well, truthfully there are a million other reasons for that resounding "No", but that one in particular is typically the only one I need. I am a daddy's girl and his word is law.
I am not a naturally submissive girl, that said, within my submissive self I long to please my Daddy. I work incredibly hard every day to behave as I know he expects of me and to stay within the guidelines he has set for me. Simply knowing I have been obedient and pleased him gives me an intoxicating sense of satisfaction. It is win, win.....Daddy is happy, I am happy.
Until now. I understand all of his reasons for forbidding me from doing what I want to do in this situation and I respect them all.....but I can not stop the train of thought. It is driving me insane. I analyze and then re-analyze and then over-analyze and drive myself insane over it.
I have mentioned to him recently my urge to simply do it and accept the consequences and beg his forgiveness after. The thought didn't amuse him. I know he loves me and I know he has always, thus far, forgiven my ignorance. I wonder, perhaps irresponsibly, how far that might go. I am wary to become complacent in simply assuming his love for me will erase all errors, or at the very least make them an achievable obstacle. He, too, has warned me against this. The "it's easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission" mindset does not please him the slightest. He continues to remind me of the "absolution" that drives my submission. That is what continues to force my introspection night after night as I analyze myself comatose. I truly *do* strive to offer him my absolute submission, to confidently follow his lead, to mindfully heed his advice, to be his 'ideal' as pleasing him truly does please me.
I worry that if I just go do this, against his mandate, that I could irreparably hurt our relationship. At the very least, there would be damaged trust. To me, that would be catastrophic. If it were simply a punishment spanking I would face, it would be no issue, but there is so much more to it than that. I could likely endure any amount of physical pain he chose to inflict. The hypothetical worst punishment possible for me has nothing to do with implements......it would be his withdraw that would devastate me. My heart is not nearly as tough as my hide.
I pause to wonder though if his reservation is simply rooted in protecting his little girl.....then if I succeed, unharmed, perhaps all would be forgiven? Though, if the past has taught me anything, forgiving and forgetting are two entirely separate things. I did something similar to this once and it resulted in my first ever experience with my Daddy's temper (yes, he has one....incredibly well hidden, but it is there). The lectures and the physical punishment was harsh but even they paled in comparison to the look on his face, detached tone of his voice and sound of that door slamming shut behind him. I was incredibly scared, just thinking about it now makes me cry, and I genuinely fear causing it again. And somehow I am still struggling with this night after night.
It is an incredibly slippery, miserable slope when you consciously debate deliberate defiance. Trust me when I say if this wasn't critical, I wouldn't even contemplate it. I don't want to make the wrong decision. I don't want my Daddy to feel I didn't trust him or his decision for me. I don't want to hurt our relationship. I don't want to become complacent in the "I'll take the whipping & he will forgive me" thought process. I don't want to add a caveat to my absolute submission. I don't want to disappoint him. I don't want to see that look on his handsome face again. I don't want to feel the crushing pain and panic as he walks away. I don't want to lose my Daddy. :(
Could you ever not forgive me?
Would you ever stop loving me?