"Stack the pillows in the center of the bed and lay over them, Natalie Lynn." He instructed from across the room. I sighed and turned from the corner to do as I was told. I slowly crawled up onto the bed and laid over the pillows, resting my face on the backs of my arms as I waited. I could hear him moving around the room, but I couldn't see him and I had no idea which implement he was selecting for my next lesson.
"Staying with the theme of the last lesson, young lady......think it but don't say it.......who did you speak to this last week that might upset me?" He asked. I quietly whispered back to him, "Rob, Sir." He knelt down beside the bed and tilted my head so he was again looking down into my pouty green eyes.
"Are you allowed to speak to Rob?" He questioned firmly. I shook my head as I answered, "No Sir." His eyes narrowed at mine as he continued, "Who told you that you're not allowed to speak to him, little girl?" I lowered my eyes and answered, "You did, Sir." His eyes held mine captive for several agonizing minutes. Again tears slowly began to cascade down my cheeks and his dark, grim, penetrating stare pulled at my heart. I hate disappointing him like this. Finally, he rose to his feet, but the words he said as he did, threw my lil mind into free fall.
"You defied me......AGAIN!"
"No....Sir.....I...." I tried to piece together a thought but he stopped me immediately.
"Shut your mouth, now. YOU DEFIED ME!" He barked.
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I buried my face in the blankets and cried hard. I didn't think I'd defied him......I certainly didn't intend to defy him. My last punishment was for blatant defiance and he had left me, for the first time ever, he walked away from me and it broke my heart. He did come back to me, but his warning to me replayed over and over in my panicked lil mind: "if you ever defy me like this again, you will be left alone in your room after I've whipped you and your tears will not change that, do you understand me young lady?" That phrase repeated over and over as I cried into the ball of blankets I was squeezing in my hands. He could whip me all day, I didn't care, just don't let him leave me. I was so scared.
WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK
My hand shot back instinctively to protect my sore bottom from the heavy barrage of searing paddle swats. "Move your hand now." He calmly ordered. I returned my hand to my face and he returned to paddling my bottom and thighs hard with his heavy paddle as I cried and cried.
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"Owww....pleassseee...." I cried back to him. "I don't want to hear it. You deserve everything you're getting and you know it. I told you not to speak to him.....NO COMMUNICATION.....PERIOD! I set that mandate to protect you! You let your temper get the best of you again and you defied me.....maybe not intentionally, but you defied me, Natalie Lynn. You know how I feel about my daughter defying me, you did it anyway and now you're being punished for that choice." He scolded.
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I kicked my legs against the bed in a futile attempt to show my displeasure. He paddled just as fast as I kicked and just as hard as I cried.
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He sat the paddle down on the table next to the bed and sat next to me, slowly and firmly massaging oil into my punished skin. My bottom was so very sore and I knew I still had the most serious offense to deal with. The only thing that mattered to me right now was that he wouldn't leave after he punished me. It broke my heart when he left me for an hour after my last punishment and I was so worried that he might today if he saw my actions as defiance. I wanted to explain, but I couldn't so I just tried to submit and trust him to determine what I did or did not deserve......I'd have to accept and submit to his decision, regardless because I trust him, because I respect him, because I am *his*.
"Last offense. Look at me, young lady." He instructed as he knelt next to me. I turned my head and peered up at him, softly crying. He extended both of his hands and gestured to one of them, "In this hand is your health & safety, the safety of your son's mother, obeying my rules for you......" Then he gestured to the other, "Over here is doing something ignorant and dangerous because it was 'fun'." I lowered my eyes momentarily and then again looked up at him, pleading with my eyes and searching his for any sign of softening. He shook his head, audibly sighed and gestured to the second hand again, "And you chose this one. You chose to drink something you knew you couldn't because you're Wonder Woman and you'd be just fine, right?" He asked.
"No Sir, I didn't think I was Wonder Woman. I just didn't think. I never knew it would be as bad as it ended up being. I'm sorry that I did it, I'm sorry that I worried you." I apologized as I sobbed. "Could have been worse.....you could be DEAD! Do you have any idea how worried I was?" He scolded. I hung my head and whispered up to him again, "I'm so sorry, Sir."
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His heavy paddle again bit into my incredibly tender bottom and thighs. I squeezed the blankets tightly and cried.
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"Owww.....I'm sorryyyyy.....it hurttssss." I whimpered.
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"It is supposed to hurt! You could have killed yourself Wonder Woman NOT! You knew better. You intentionally ignored your limit.....broke my rule.....put yourself in danger.....and AGAIN DEFIED ME! Do you get that??" He asked, his tone of voice pure agitation. I cried even harder as I pleaded again, "No Sir, please.....I didn't mean to defy you....please." He sat the paddle down on the table again with an audible thump as he walked out of my vision.
"You didn't mean to.....BUT YOU DID! By how many times did you exceed my limit roughly, little girl?" He asked. I sniffled and sobbed and managed to get out the audible response, "A hundred, Sir." His right hand gently stroked down the length of my hair and I tilted my head into his touch; it is incredibly reassuring to me when I'm being punished.
"Close your eyes, young lady." He instructed firmly. I did as I was told but wondered......this is a new request......he hasn't ever told me to close my eyes during a punishment. My mind raced and my heart matched that pace.
"Count, young lady." He ordered. I laid my head onto the backs of my arms again and waited. I couldn't see the implement that was about to begin its' assault on my bottom, but I had a feeling with his instruction, that I wasn't going to like it.......I was right.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
Three harsh swats bit into the tender flesh of my sit spots. My head shot back and I inhaled sharply as I cried out. "Owwww......what is that??" The sting was incredibly intense. "COUNT!" He barked. My body instinctively jumped as he again raised his voice at me. I cried out the count to him as I braced for the whipping to resume. "One Sir, two Sir, three Sir."
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
"Oucchhh......four Sir, five Sir, six Sir, seven Sir, eight Sir, nine Sir, ten Sir. Pleasseeee no more pleassseeee." I begged as the harsh bites continued to rain down.
"Eyes closed and MOUTH SHUT except to count. You defied me and damn near killed yourself......I am nowhere near being done with you, young lady." He scolded. I cried into the backs of my arms as he whipped me.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
"Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen Sirrrr...."
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
"Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight Sirrrr."
I cried out the counts as my legs kicked the bed furiously. Whatever this implement was, it was incredibly intense.......I'd never felt a sting like this before......it made our rubber straps seem tame and gentle. I struggled to remain in position and submit. I cried so hard and still worried that he may leave me alone afterward......he had now told me twice that I'd defied him again......and neither of us are ever going to be okay with that. Just hearing it breaks my heart. I respect him tremendously and want only to please him.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
I kicked the bed over and over and fought the urge to turn over to protect my bottom, but I knew better. Good lord this implement hurt like hell! Every searing swat felt like a thousand fire ants biting into my flesh. I cried and squealed into the pillow.
"Count, young lady." He ordered. I sobbed and cried even harder, "I can't Sirrr...." I whimpered out to him. "Alright, your choice, now those swats don't count. You're still at twenty-eight. Count now or we begin again, young lady!" He barked as he began to whip me harder.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
My hand shot back to rub the sting out of my thighs as he applied a dozen and a half strokes up and down the length of my tender thighs. I cried out several times and just held my thigh, trying in vain to rub the stinging pain away. "Move it or they don't count!" He warned. I cried out to him again over my shoulder, "I'm sorryyyyy." I slowly pulled my hand back up to my face and decided to place both hands underneath my chest so I wouldn't reach back again. He had now warned me three times in this session to keep my hands away from my bottom; I know better. This implement was just incredibly intense. I was well beyond my limit.
"Twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty, forty-one, forty-two, forty-three, forty-four, forty-five, forty-six Sir." I finally recited the count as I struggled to remain still in position. As soon as the last number left my lips, he began whipping me again, and it seemed the strokes only got harder each round.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
I squealed out and balled my fists into the blankets as I cried uncontrollably. That merciless implement, whatever it was, just continued to bite into my bottom and thighs and the intensity with which Professor was whipping me left no doubt in my mind as to how seriously he viewed this offense. I knew he was right, I had made a really stupid decision, risked far too much and I deserved every single swat I got......but that didn't make it any easier to take.
"Count, young lady!" He instructed, pulling me from my hysterical crying. "Forty....ummm......forty-two" I started and he quickly stopped me, "Forty what?" I thought hard but could concentrate on nothing but the intensity of the pain in my bottom, I replied my voice audibly shaking, "Forty-two Sir? I'm not sure....." I held my breath, praying we wouldn't start over, thankfully we didn't but his words sent me into hysterics again, "No, not forty-two.....it was actually more than that.....forty-seven, Natalie Lynn......BUT since you lost count, you know what that means, they don't count. I'd suggest you keep accurate count, young lady." He admonished. I cried hard into the blankets as I waited for my whipping to begin again; and I didn't have to wait long.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
"Forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine, sixty, sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty-four Sirrrr........owwwwww." I cried and pleaded.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
"Owwww.......Daddy pleassseeee......" I squealed out to him. His right hand again ran down the length of my hair, softly and silently reassuring me. "Count, Natalie." He gently instructed. I fought to contain my sobs and slow my breathing so my words would be coherent.
"Sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three, seventy-four, seventy-five, seventy-six, seventy-seven, seventy-eight, seventy-nine, eighty, eighty-one, eighty-two Sirrrr......I'm soo sorrryyyyyy." I cried up to him before burying my face again.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
"Eighty-three, eighty-four, eighty-five, eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one, ninety-two, ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred Sir." I twisted and turned from side to side, trying to wish away the intense burning fire that now covered every inch of my bottom and thighs. I bawled hysterically into the blankets and sobbed out apology after apology.
The bed dipped as he sat next to me, his left hand firmly rubbing the painful welts that had risen up from this horrible mystery implement. Even his touch hurt, I was so incredibly sore, but I closed my eyes and held still, melting at his touch and crying again.
"Come here." He called me to him. I was still sobbing incoherently as I slowly crawled off the pillows and walked around the side of the bed to stand in front of him. I winced at every movement as it stretched my skin tight and stung even more. I stopped directly in front of him, waiting for him to rise and pull me into an embrace, as he typically does. He reached forward and encircled my wrist in his left hand again and pulled me to him.
Still sitting on the side of the bed, he sat me on his lap and held me tight as I cried on his shoulder. He hasn't ever held me like this before and I could not tell you what that meant to me. My jeans were still tangled at my ankles, my hair a mess, my eyeliner running down my tear-stained cheeks, my bottom and thighs a sore bruised mess but my lil heart absolutely melted as he held me there on his lap, hugging me tightly and stroking my hair and my back and I cried and apologized for worrying him and disobeying him over and over. He "sshhh'd" me and held me close to him as my crying slowed to gentle sobs.
I felt so incredibly small......very much like a contrite little girl crying in her Daddy's arms after being punished......very small and incredibly loved and cared for.
I knew we would be okay. The security and the love I felt in his arms can not be measured. I hate that I worried him so much but I knew sitting there in his lap as he held me tight, that he had forgiven me and regardless of my behavior......good or bad.....I am still *his*. After several minutes, once he had calmed me down, I stood and again asked him, "Sir.....may I ask now what that implement was?" He stood up and retrieved an electrical cord from the dresser top. He then went to the desk and began typing on his laptop as I sat across from him.
"Brad & Kristina made the suggestion of this implement. And while I rarely take suggestions when it comes to punishment and discipline.....I was told that last night when the possibility of this implement was presented to you, you said something........what, my dear, did you say to your friends about this implement?" He asked as he turned to look at me, his eyes narrowed at mine but his lips curving into a smile.
I quickly covered my mouth with my hands as I recalled the conversation, "I said, umm, I said, 'he wouldn't dare' Sir." I then shook my head and continued, "I didn't mean it and I *never* would have said it to your face, Sir. I know better. I was only joking with them." I explained as his smile broadened and he laughed at me.
"I wouldn't dare, huh? I couldn't possibly pass that challenge up." He said. I giggled at him and replied, "Like father, like daughter." He laughed again and stood to pull me into another tight hug.
I *love* hearing him laugh and seeing him smile. I had to make it through one hell of a punishment spanking to get to that point......but honestly, I truly love that he holds me accountable and punishes me when I fall short. His discipline is an anchor to me in my, at times, chaotic lil world. Having him always there to support me, to teach me, to discipline me......it means the world to me because it shows me every single day how much he cares for me. I *love* being his daughter.......I'm an incredibly lucky girl.
Several lessons learned throughout this punishment session..........Above all others and possibly the most beneficial, DO NOT *EVER* SAY "He wouldn't dare" in reference to my father and a punishment when I've been a naughty girl...........the man doesn't walk away from a dare any more than his brat of a daughter does. :)
11/20/2012
"Come out of the corner, young lady." His silky smooth voice pulling me from the corner and drawing me, once again, to stand in front of him supported by shaking legs.
"This next entry came as no surprise to me and I doubt it surprises you. I've repeated this lecture to you so many times that you could probably recite it back to me. Care to tell me what I'm referring to?" He asked, his voice hinting at his irritation. "Defying authority, Sir." I answered quietly, maintaining eye contact. He nodded his head as he replied, "Yep. Again being a snotty brat to a police officer simply doing his job. Right?" I whispered up to him, "Yes Sir." He stood silently just staring down into my emerald eyes as I nervously bit the corner of my bottom lip.
"Hands flat on the couch, bottom out." He instructed and I complied, listening as I stood waiting in position. "I've repeated this lecture multiple times to you, you know why it is wrong and you chose to do it again anyway. I believe every time we have had this discussion, you've been whipped with my belt, and the whippings have only gotten more severe each time. Correct?" He asked. I hung my head and softly answered back to him, "Yes Sir. I'm sorry. I *am* trying." He audibly sighed before replying, "I know you're trying. I'm repeating this lesson less frequently. BUT....I am STILL REPEATING MYSELF and you know how I feel about that, don't you?" I nodded my head and answered, "Yes Sir."
His right hand swept the hair back from my face, tucking it behind my ear and tugging slightly to tilt my head toward him as he spoke. "I'm done repeating this lesson to you, young lady. My daughter is not allowed to blatantly defy or disrespect authority.....period. Clearly my belt hasn't made enough of an impression with this topic, so this lesson will be accompanied by your favorite rubber looped strap, Natalie Lynn. You would be smart NOT to make me repeat this to you again, young lady. Understood?" Just the mention of that strap caused my body to tense up and my heart to race. "Yes Sir." I answered quietly as I squeezed the couch cushions tightly in anticipation and fought to contain the tears that threatened to spill out at any moment.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
"Owww." I yelled out as my right hand shot back to protect my bottom from that damn strap. "You had better move that hand, young lady....you do NOT want me to move it for you." He warned. I quickly pulled my hand back and danced from foot to foot trying to escape the awful sting.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
I threw my head back and gasped for air as I whimpered audibly. That strap is incredibly painful and I hate it; which I suppose only makes it more effective. Hot, salty tears were now trickling down my cheeks as I fought to stay in position for the duration of my whipping.
"If you disagree with authority figures or have some witty, clever comment you want to make to be a smartass then you can think it......but you do NOT say it until they are gone. My daughter is not allowed to be a disrespectful brat, I've raised you better than that, young lady. Clear?" He scolded. I quickly answered back to him, "Yes Sir." His large left hand slowly but firmly ran across each cheek, kneading the fresh welts from that horrible strap. My breathing slowed and I closed my eyes, savoring his touch. I had hoped that my whipping was finished........no such luck. Professor stepped back and began applying one full force swat after the next to my thighs.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
I jumped up onto my tip toes as the strap bit into my tender skin again and again. I cried and whimpered out apology after apology. His resolve was not swayed; he was determined to teach his naughty little girl a memorable lesson.
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"Think it......Don't say it. Have I made myself clear, Natalie Lynn?" He asked, his tone unsympathetic and deepened with determination clinging to every word. "Yes Sir, crystal clear." I cried back to him over my shoulder. "Back to that corner now." He barked at me. I shuffled back to the corner, my poor bottom absolutely on fire. I could literally feel each and every angry, red welt and I shuddered at the thought of having two more offenses to address.........the most serious two offenses.........
11/20/2012
I was sitting curled up in a 'wish this pillow would make me disappear' ball in the corner of the couch, chatting with Suzi as I waited for Professor to arrive for our session. As I heard the door open, my heart stopped and I inhaled sharply as my eyes shot to the door. There he stood....tall, confident, resolved. My eyes locked with the pillow resting on my trembling knees.
"Your father is home. Get off the phone, young lady." His voice was soft....menacingly soft....but very notably firm. I said 'goodbye' and disconnected the call. I sat frozen in place, hesitantly glancing up at him as he discarded his things onto the desk and began looking at the recent offenses on my punishment list. Every few seconds, his dark brown eyes would peer up at me over the top of the page, and it knotted my stomach. I sat quietly as he read and watched him closely. Every audible sigh made me cringe. I knew he was disappointed in me and I hated that.
He finally sat the lis down on the desk and opened his laptop. "Turn on your hotspot and then go put your nose in that corner, Natalie Lynn." He instructed and I immediately obeyed. I listened closely to him behind me as I stood staring at the squiggly wallpaper in the corner. Being able to hear him but not see him always screws with my head and I have a constant battle playing out in my mind......to look or not to look. Nope, I know better. As I stood quietly in the corner, I felt him approach me from behind and stop directly behind me. I held my breath and cautiously watched his shadow on the wall; when he pins me to a corner like this it makes my head spin.
"Turn around." He spoke just inches from my ear. I slowly turned to face him, my eyes locking on his chest.
He tucked his left hand under my chin to raise my face, "You know better. Eyes right here young lady." He admonished. I blinked several times and fought to maintain eye contact.
"We've got a couple entries to discuss before we move on to the main topic. Let's start with the issue with Brad. You threw a drink in his face because he threatened to inform me of your bad behavior. When I told you to apologize, you said "nope"...."
My eyes shot to the floor. I have not ever before this told Professor "no".....ever.....and I knew this was no small offense. "Look at me now." He barked.
I cautiously raised my green eyes to again lock with his as he continued, "Not once....not twice.....three times......wait, perhaps you missed that......YOU TOLD ME NO THREE DAMN TIMES!" I hate when he raises his voice at me; I wanted to cry but I closed my eyes tightly to contain my tears before slowly returning to his intent stare. "Still not satisfied that you'd made your point that you didn't agree with me, you sent him the joke of an apology. Am I right?" He asked. I slowly shook my head and whispered, "Yes Sir."
"First, you know better. Second, I didn't ask if you agreed or not, I gave you a mandate and it was not open for discussion. Third, you are MINE......MY DAUGHTER DOES NOT TELL ME NO. Got it?" He barked. My body jumped at his elevated voice again and I quickly responded, "Yes Sir."
His left hand encircled my right wrist and he pulled me along behind him as he walked over to the couch and sat down. "Pants down now." He instructed. I slowly unbuttoned my jeans and lowered them down over my hips, leaving them balled up at my knees as he reached forward grabbing my wrist again and guiding me down over his capable lap. He hooked his fingers under the waistband of my panties and quickly yanked them down to my knees. His left hand rested on my bared bottom and my skin tingled at his touch.
"You lashed out....physically. You know better. It may not be as bad as you hitting someone, but it is a close second. You do NOT respond with physical aggression to a verbal confrontation. Clear?" He asked. "Yes Sir" I replied back over my shoulder as I braced for the first punishing swats to connect.
SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
His hand fell again and again; hard, heavy, stinging swats rapidly applied as I struggled to remain still over his lap.
SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
"Back to the corner!" He instructed. I quickly slid off of his lap and scurried off to the corner as my left hand drifted back to soothe my stinging bottom. "Hands on your head, young lady!" I quickly snatched my hands away from my sore bottom and interlocked my fingers on the back of my head as I tried to slow my breathing.
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! "Owww!" I squeaked as I jumped.
"Three times! Three times you told me NO! You *NEVER* tell me no! Do you understand me, young lady?" He scolded.
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! "Yes Sir, I'm sorry." I apologized as he picked up the pace, paddling me mercilessly with our oak bathbrush as I fought to remain still in the corner.
CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK
"I will not allow my daughter to tell me 'no' when I give her instructions. It's not going to happen Natalie Lynn. My mandates to you are not optional. You know better! If you *ever* tell me no again, this paddling will be nothing compared to what you will get; have I made myself clear little girl?" He asked as he rapidly applied several harsh swats to my thighs.
CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK
I danced around in the corner, trying in vain to escape the awful burning in my bottom and thighs as I squealed out my answer, "Yes Sir, crystal clear, I'm sorryyyyy."
CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK
"Turn around and look at me." He demanded. I hastily brushed away a tear from my eye as I turned to face my father again. He held my gaze quietly for several moments as the sting in my bottom sunk in to a deeper throb and my eyes filled with tears. His eyes were dark, cold, intense and set in a grim resolve. He audibly said nothing, his eyes said everything. I knew my behavior displeased him.....it didn't please me either. I'd been shocked at myself for telling him 'no'......I've just not ever been that brazen and stupid in my communication with him.....and certainly not when he is giving me instructions when I am in trouble. I hated that I had said it, and his eyes conveyed the extent of his displeasure with that choice.
"I told you to apologize and you sent your clever, witty, passive aggressive half-assed attempt at an apology thinking that would what? Appease me? Meet my 'apologize now' requirement?" He asked. I tried to think of a less offensive way to explain myself but there simply were none. "I just didn't want to apologize. I know you had told me I had to but I didn't care to do it. I'm so sorry." I explained as my emerald eyes searched his for reassurance. His eyes narrowed at mine, "Care now?" I lowered my eyes and softly answered, "Yes Sir."
He again encircled my wrist and took me back to the couch and quickly back down hard across his lap; his thighs hard against my torso, his legs spaced apart enough that my feet were off the ground, my red hair blanketing the carpet beneath me and I waited for my spanking to resume.
SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
"Ouch....I'm sorry" I cried back to him over my shoulder as he spanked my bottom quickly with his large left hand.
SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
The swats stopped raining down as I lay over his knee, trying to slow my rapid breathing. His left hand slowly skimmed over my hot, tender bottom. He firmly massaged each cheek before giving each thigh a sharp SMACK! SMACK!
"Back to the corner, young lady. A couple more minor offenses before we get to the main event."
I quickly scurried off to the corner and fought the urge to rub my throbbing bottom. I put my hands back on top of my head, like I'm expected to do and stood quietly waiting to be called out again................
11/20/2012
I sat in my room this afternoon, waiting for my father to come home to deal with me.
Despite my wishing, hoping and praying.......he did not forget about my bad behavior........and like any good father, he did not shy away from the task of teaching his errant daughter a hard lesson.
After worrying last night and being in a constant state of nervous panic waiting for him this afternoon.........I am absolutely exhausted tonight. So I wont be writing out our session right now. So you all have the before ('Just Wait Til Your Father Gets Home') and you have this after post.........and the punishment session in the middle will be posted soon. I'm just far too tired to write it out now. And now that I have been punished & held accountable, I am in my quiet, calm and content state that always follows an intense punishment for me. All is 'right' in my world and I again feel a certain balance knowing that there are no longer any outstanding issues between my father and I. Holding onto that anchored feeling, I will be able to fall to sleep with ease tonight. Amazing how a punishment can make a girl feel secure and anchored again.
Obviously you will all soon have the detailed account of this session, but I'll share a couple snippets and thoughts with you now.
It should go without saying that as I type this short blog post, I am sitting on an *extremely* sore and properly punished bottom. A 'new' implement was used for the latter part of my punishment.........and it has absolutely contributed to the greater than usual tenderness in my bottom & thighs.
My thoughts on this new implement: Owww! and Ouch!
There were a handful of offenses that had to be addressed in the session today; but one in particular had me very concerned because of the seriousness. I can assure you that my father tailored my punishment to match the severity of that offense. I can also assure you that I will not ever again commit this offense. Lesson learned.
The punishment was harsh but his scolding was worse. I *hate* disappointing him.
As hard as this punishment was to get through, both physically and emotionally, throughout the entire session I knew that Professor administered this spanking because he truly does care for me. I'm *his* daughter and he will protect me.......even if it's from myself. Whether I am good or bad.....I am still his either way. I'm not certain I could put into words what that unconditional love means to me.
Once the last of the swats found their mark.........
After the lecture ended with firm warnings for my future behavior.........
After I laid crying into the pillow on my bed, thinking about my behavior..........
Professor sat on the side of the bed and he called me to him....
I've become very accustomed to being pulled into his arms and held in a tight embrace after I've been punished. It is a simple gesture that reassures me that I am forgiven and that he & I are okay. And I really kind of like the way I fit pretty perfectly under his arm, with my head on his chest.
But today, instead of standing and pulling me into a hug, he held me on his lap. He sat on the side of the bed and I sat in his lap.......my pants still tangled at my ankles, my bottom freshly spanked, my eyeliner running, my long red hair a disheveled mess.......but the only thing that mattered in that moment was the security I felt in his strong arms as he held me tight and I cried on his shoulder.
To the world, I am a grown woman.
To my father, I am his little girl........and I think I kind of love that. :)
How many times have you heard those words? **sighs** I successfully navigated my way through childhood without ever hearing them. Oh there were probably a couple hundred times I should have....lol....just didn't have one back then. Actually when I was a kid and one of my girlfriends was freaking out throughout the school day about being in trouble with her Daddy when she got home, I sort of thought they were being over-dramatic babies.
Now.......I get it.
Fast Forward......I am now 27.....ask me how many times I have heard those words in the last year. **sighs** Probably still not as often as I ought to......but enough times that I know what I am 'waiting' for.
Lucky me......I have (again) earned myself one of these father-daughter 'discussions.' Though I'm not certain "discussion" is the right word......it isn't much of a give and take chat......
He will talk.
I will listen and occasionally add a "yes Sir" or "no Sir."
It's now quarter past 11pm here and I can't sleep.....I just keep looking at the clock and counting down how much longer my ass is safe (literally).....15 hours left, if you're curious.
By 2pm tomorrow afternoon, I will be sitting quietly on my bed......waiting......
Waiting to hear his footsteps......
Waiting to hear him turn the doorknob......
I'll probably be nervously playing with my cell phone as I wait, or fidgeting with my hands, or mindlessly twirling my long red hair around a finger as I quietly contemplate my fate.
I might punch the bed a few times, or bury my face in a pillow to scream, or just hold my face in my hands and wait.........praying time will crawl.
You shouldn't feel too sorry for me (I'm doing a good job of that myself). I really did do this to myself and I deserve everything I get.....really, I do. I made a stupid decision......well, a couple of them, just one in particular. I knowingly broke a limit.....intentionally disobeyed his rules for me.....and put myself in immediate danger in the process. Naughty with a capital 'N'.....I absolutely deserve this punishment.
Knowing I deserve this doesn't make it any easier right now as my panic rises and it wont be any easier tomorrow. I know when that doorknob turns and he enters the room, it's only going to be harder.
Regardless of my wishing......the bed will not swallow me up. I will inevitably have to stand up, directly in front of him even as my shaking knees threaten to buckle. It will take me a couple minutes but I will eventually have to raise my eyes from the floor, slowly rising up and taking in his towering frame. Seeing his strong arms folded across his chest will cause me to pause as I prepare for the facial expressions that match this strict paternal stance.
Finally, his expressive dark brown eyes will lock with mine and we will stand there silently for a moment as his eyes clearly convey the extent of his displeasure with me.
I'll feel small, ashamed, scared and sorry. So sorry for giving him reason to look at me like this again. I hate it; disappointing him breaks my heart.
His intense, penetrating stare will surely prove too much and my eyes will wander to the wall, the floor, the bed, his shoes......anywhere but his eyes. My breaking eye contact will test his patience, it always does, but I can't help it. He will give me a firm warning and I'll reluctantly return my eyes to his, continuously blinking to hold back the tears that threaten to spill out already......and he hasn't even touched me yet. He doesn't have to, his eyes can sting far more than any paddle.
I'll stand quietly in front of him as he reminds me why we are here. His voice....deep, steady, silky smooth but all-business. He will raise his voice to emphasize certain words of this lecture, and each time he does I'll jump and close my eyes. His voice will be menacingly soft for the majority of the scolding, but it will subtly hint at the worry, the anger, the disappointment just below the surface.
My palms will be clammy, my stomach tied in knots but at this point I'll lock my bright green eyes onto his and quietly watch as that unmistakable wall rises and his typically warm, inviting brown eyes turn cold, grim and resolved. I'll want nothing more at this point than to wrap my arms around his waist, crying and apologize over and over for what I've done but I can't, not yet. Just as I think I might cry, he will send me to the corner, and I'll gratefully scurry off to it, relieved to be out from under his firm gaze momentarily.
After what feels only mere moments, his voice will boom out from behind me, calling me to him. I'll take a deep breath and slowly turn and approach him, my heart racing, my stomach turning, my traitor legs following his commands under their own power escorting the rest of me to his left side, my eyes locked on the floor. I'll stop just short of him and as he reaches out to encircle my wrist in his hand, my eyes will also betray me and a single tear will slowly begin its descent down my cheek.
But before any of this takes place, I will have to make it through the next 15 hours.........
Just waiting until my father gets home.........
There are two kinds of strength. The strength to lead and the strength to follow; the strength to control and the strength to yield. If you do not understand this then you can not possibly make presumptions about my relationship dynamic.
"That which yields is not always weak." -Jacqueline Carey
My submission was not given; it has been earned.....my trust and deep respect, similarly earned by a man who understands, nurtures and protects the gift of my submission.
I am naturally drawn to and value the gift of his dominance. I absolutely adore being *His* girl. His to lead, His to teach, His to discipline, His to punish, His to guide. It can not be said more simply than through a single word: His.
No man seeks to control what he does not care for. No man protects an object void of value.
To please this man pleases me. To disappoint him breaks my heart. I need and crave his approval.
My surrender was not void of prerequisite; for all my Dom expects from me, he selflessly and attentively gives to me. I am *very* well taken care of.
My relationship, as any other, is a shared vulnerability. The reward is worth this risk.
Dominance and submission is an intricate dance; a primal desire that far transcends time.
If you do not like or agree with my relationship dynamic, that is your choice. Everyone is entitled to have an opinion. But if you can not express that opinion in a civil manner, then please don't waste my time or yours by writing your rants out. Assumptions are more often than not, incorrect. You can not judge me or my relationship based on biased and blind ignorance.
"Have you ever told your Dom "no"? To a rule? A punishment?"
Have I said the word "no" to Professor?? Several times.......examples:
Are you working today? ------------------ No
Did spending time with your son help your stress? -------------------- No
You want to try giving me another excuse, young lady? -------------------- No Sir
See......tons of times. :)
I suppose if you're a "actions speak louder than words" kind of thinker, then unfortunately, yes......through my actions, I have told Professor "no".......once.........if you're curious as to how that worked out for me, then read the punishment session titled "Most Serious Offense" here on my blog.
Aside from one incredibly ignorant and completely not worth it issue of deliberate defiance......No.
I will say that just recently when Professor told me to apologize to someone for something I had done, I replied with a "nope." This reply was through text message and I was immediately called on it and have it on my Punishment List to be addressed at an upcoming punishment session. I knew better and I did end up apologizing to the person he directed me to.......then apologized to Professor for the "nope". Every once in a while my sassy mouth gets the better of me and I say something stupid without thinking about it before it flies out of my mouth.......this was one of those times and I'll be spanked for it.
You specify two instances in which you're curious........rules and punishments.
Addressing the latter first.......punishments........have I ever told Professor "no" when it comes to a punishment?? Uh......NO. First, there is one person responsible for determining and administering a punishment within our relationship......it is not me. I have not and would not ever attempt to argue with Professor about details during a punishment. I trust him completely and know he knows what he is doing, he would never truly harm me, and he punishes me when I misbehave because he really cares for me. I trust him, I respect him and thus I have always submitted to him. Quite simple really.
Rules.......have I ever told Professor "no" when it comes to rules, limits, etc? Again.......NO. Professor isn't the micro-managing type of Dom who comes up with ridiculous mandates just for the fun of it. I have very few rules (you can see the full list here on my blog, "Rules") and every rule that has been set for me was done after conversation regarding its placement. Professor takes very good care of me as his girl and I know he wants me to be happy and that he considers my happiness when he contemplates rules or restrictions he may impose. I don't always necessarily 'like' all of my rules but I know they have been set for my own good. Professor is a reasonable man and I know any rule or restriction he imposes has been well thought out. I try to obey the rules he sets for me......not fight with him over them......Professor and I are on the same team.
I gave you the deeper, drawn-out, warm & fuzzy cutesy reasons.......allow me to also point out the obvious:
I AM NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO TELL PROFESSOR "NO" REGARDING A RULE OR PUNISHMENT. IT'S NOT MY PLACE.I VALUE MY ASS AND I DON'T LOVE HIS PADDLE ENOUGH TO LOSE MY MIND AND TELL HIM "NO." :)
Just in case you're curious........Professor does *not* seem to agree with that statement.
Actually, I don't often either.........well, not now that I am held accountable for my bad behavior. Funny how that works, right? Add some tangible consequences and a naughty girl starts to behave like a good lil girl. Simple concept. :)
Almost 2 weeks ago, I went out to a late Halloween party with friends. I had decided before going that I was going to drink.......and told myself that I would have only 2........since that is my limit when I drink. I went out with only the best of intentions.......I swear, I did. Nowhere in the planning did I contemplate being a bad girl. **sighs** You all know where this is headed huh?
A friend of mine made a 'cider' to keep with the autumn holiday theme. When she told me what was in it, I sent an email to Professor asking if I could have some. And hoping like hell he wouldn't Google the word 'Everclear.'
I believe my response to her was "I asked him but I fully expect to be slapped if he googles the word everclear."
He didn't respond.......so I just made the decision myself........with a tad bit of encouragement from friends.
If you're also not an idiot, so are unfamiliar with Everclear......it is 190 proof alcohol. You can *literally* run a car engine on the stuff. It's not legal in some states; but for my girlfriend who lives in NH, it is so she bought it for her cider.
Cider Recipe:
Equal Parts Everclear, Apple Juice & HotDamn Cinnamon Schnapps
It was *really* good. Problem is.......I was *really* bad.
I knew I shouldn't have drank any of it because of the alcohol content. I tried to justify it in my own mind, saying I'd have only 2 glasses since I am allowed 2 drinks. I thought 2 over the course of 4 hours wouldn't be too bad, right?
Wrong!
Throughout the night I had 3 glasses of the cider........3 16oz glasses. By the end of the night, I was stupid drunk.......as was most everyone else. They are allowed to be drunk.......I am not. First, my behavior when I drink used to be a problem......all common sense straight out the window. Next, because of my heart condition, I've been advised not to take it 'too far'. Third, I had a limit and I knew it.
Of course, I told Professor the next day that I had drank it. Unfortunately, he does know what Everclear is.
Luckily for me, I was not close enough to be slapped at that moment.
Even more unfortunate........he is decent enough at math to determine what my BAC would have been after drinking the cider and compared it to what my *allowed* BAC is for 2 drinks = I AM IN *BIG* TROUBLE!
I sort of completely smashed and obliterated the limit........like to oblivion! Some ridiculous number like oh, just 100 times over the limit! I'm thinking that number might come back to haunt me during my punishment for this offense. :(
I felt bad that I had done it......almost immediately. I let him down and I let myself down. That night, while drinking, I convinced myself that it would be a small offense.......and I was only exceeding my limit by 1 single, solitary drink. When Professor mentioned BAC levels, I felt pretty stupid that he felt he needed to define for me what a 'drink' consists of......but he was right. I knew from the day he had set my 2 drink limit that a 'drink' would be the equivalent of a 12oz beer (12oz cocktail, 8oz wine, 1.5oz liquor).
Like all limits or rules I have now, Professor didn't set it arbitrarily.......he thinks through things, from many different angles, and discusses it with me before he sets any rule in stone. I knew the primary reason behind the drink limit was my health. Since he set that limit for me, I've not crossed it. I rarely drink at all now; and when I do, I stop at 2. I don't know what went through my mind at this party that made me decide the limit was optional. I knew better.
So now.......a few weeks later, as the day grows nearer that I'll be standing in front of Professor to answer for this ignorance, I'm getting more nervous and worried. The internal dialogue of justification worked well at the party, but I know my 'logic' will not go over nearly as smoothly with my Disciplinarian. This is a pretty serious offense for me. Professor does *not* tolerate me doing anything that risks my health or safety......EVER. Add to that fact, that I knowingly broke one of his rules. **sighs** It is safe to say that I am in........
Yep......my 'cat' is away.....has been for a couple of days.
Oh just think of all the super fun and ridiculously naughty things I could do to occupy my time. :)
Actually, the last time my 'cat' was away (on a family vacation) I was perfectly behaved......until the last week......then I sort of lost my mind a bit. For the record......he doesn't like mice playing.......at all.
Oooh and then my last punishment for defiance......waited for him to be away before I was stupid enough to deliberately disobey him and defy him too. Again.......less than pleased upon his return.
Alright......I've got the message. Regardless of where my 'cat' is.......I better behave myself.....or else.
You see, mine *always* comes back home......
And he *always* finds out what I have done........
And my 'cat' isn't one of these cute, cuddly, lil darlings.......
He is more of a.......
With *really* big and strong.......
Oh and a really loud and intimidating.......
And I prefer homecomings like this.......
Over the homecomings like this........
Good lil mouse :)
"I read very few times when you defend your behavior or make excuses for it to your Professor. Do you simply leave it out of your sessions as you write, or are you truly this submissive a girl?"
Am I "truly this submissive of a girl?".......did you choke on the words as you wrote them? I certainly did as I read them. :) And, I'm sure Professor would be even more amused by this notion.
Do I leave it out as I write? No, actually when writing our sessions out, I try to give you as clear a picture as possible.
So, why do you rarely see defense, excuses, justification, etc? I seldom try to use them. Simple.
First, Professor is a very firm believer in the whole "proper time and place" thing. During a punishment session is certainly not the proper time or place for me to make excuses. I have *very* specific rules of conduct to follow when I am being punished......excusing bad behavior is not on that list. I have, at times, attempted to justify my behavior......I'll leave you to guess how that worked out for me.
Expectations are clear in our relationship. One of the most important: my Disciplinarian expects me to take responsibility for my decisions.....good or bad. Honestly, I expect it of myself as well. I am also expected to accept the consequences of my decisions. Making excuses for bad behavior only sends the message to my Disciplinarian that I am not truly sorry and don't believe I was really wrong and thus I am trying to get out of it......which means an even more severe punishment because he is not simply punishing me for being wrong, he also has to punish me for excusing the behavior. Not a great combination.
Professor and I do not address my behavior on the day it happens. We typically talk about the offense a couple times before a session. He is strict but he is very reasonable and will listen to my 'reasoning'. It makes it relatively simple for us both that the 2nd most important rule I have to follow is: "do what you know is right." I admit, a lot of the time, the right thing is not easy to do and actually the wrong thing is far more appealing. Fortunately, for the rest of this world, "do what you think is fun" is not on my list of rules.
There have been some tougher ones.......typically offenses that are emotionally charged over reactions.......I know a few D/s friends who can use emotional turmoil to escape consequences for certain offenses. Initially, I'll say I almost envied them for that.....but now, rather than thinking "why doesn't that ever work for me?" I think more along the lines of, "it isn't working for them either, their behavior wont improve as long as it is excused." Professor is a very caring man and understanding when it comes to emotional situations.......but regardless, he still expects me to behave as I know we both expect. Yes, I admit and so would Professor, that he is demanding.......but I know he doesn't do it to be a jerk. I know he is demanding and sets high expectations because he wants what is best for me.
Professor has taught me that *especially* in emotional situations, I have to keep my behavioral guard up. Emotion can easily transfer into vulnerability to lash out......we simply don't accept that in our relationship. That is not to say I haven't done it, I certainly have, but I have been punished every time I have done it. Professor is working to instill self discipline in me.......and if I excused all emotional reactions, that wouldn't be very disciplined, now would it?
Honestly, I like that consistency with him. It is a reassuring feeling to know that even if the rest of the world will cave to my abrasion or justifications, Professor will not. He is, among other things, my brick wall. I'm not sure how he does it some days, but I am very glad he does.
So by the time Professor and I are addressing my behavior in person, I always have a clear picture of why I was wrong. We have discussed it multiple times. And though I may not always 'like' it......I typically always end up agreeing with his decisions. I trust Professor and his judgement; so whether or not I immediately agree is irrelevant, I know he has my best interests at heart and the trust & respect I have for this man means that I will submit.
Communication, at times, between Professor and I has been an underlying issue; and yes, I will admit this is a problem that I am responsible for, not him. I will sometimes answer questions by asking questions, or provide only enough information to irritate him making him have to ask for elaboration, and of course the most recurrent is my attempting to protect him by prioritizing what information I give him in an effort to not waste his time and or patience. It is an issue we both are aware of and working to improve.
Today though, part of our communication really upset me. And because I am analytical and a thinker who needs to understand all the "why"s in the world, now even hours later I am not "over it." If anything, I'm probably even more upset by it. Here is the excerpt from our conversation via instant messenger tonight:
Professor: "For a nurse, you don't know human nature that well. No way an asshole lawyer shuts up."
Me: "Thanks......love you too smartass."
Professor: "Do not talk to me like that."
Me: "Sorry."
Professor: "One more and I am done talking with you."
Had I been talking to probably anyone else, this would have been the point in the conversation where I got obstinate and dug my heels in, turning it into an argument, I'm sure. Probably saying something like, "what the hell is wrong with you?" or "I was only joking, stop being so serious." Those responses, however, are nothing I would ever consider saying to Professor. I respect him far too much to talk back to him; and the one time I did it, punishment aside, I sincerely did regret it. He has earned my respect and deserves to be shown it in every interaction.
Not only was my verbal response different with him than it would have been with anyone else, my emotional response was markedly different as well. I would have been angry or irritated had the conversation been with anyone else. But it wasn't anyone else; it was Professor and it upset me.....a lot. I despise text conversations for reasons like this; without a vocal component, it is difficult to read the 'tone' and intent of a statement. What I had said, to me, was slightly sassy and meant jokingly. What I had said, to him, crossed a line. It is a fine line that we walk, Professor and I, between discipline and friendship. Most often having one strengthens the other; but at times that line becomes a bit blurry and I seem to fall over it every time.
To me, as soon as Professor replied with the "do not talk to me like that", I knew he had taken it as disrespectful and my immediate response is to apologize. It was his next statement that really upset me. "One more and I am done talking with you." Reading that immediately upset me and as we continued our conversation, I did so with tears slowly rolling down my cheek. From that statement on, I was on auto-pilot, choosing to engage only in a 'safe' and submissive mode. "Yes Sir." "No Sir." "May I" Etc. I shut up and simply followed his lead in any further discussion; refusing to mention or discuss anything I had on the agenda and only replying respectfully to what things he chose to discuss.
Statements like that are far from a "norm" in our relationship. Professor does not leave me to guess his mood or reactions to my behavior, he has no problem letting me know when I have displeased him. We don't play guessing games. Similarly, we don't use the silent game or ignore one another. When I am out of line, he will certainly put me back in my place, and I can expect to be punished, but silence is not often on the table. Honestly, tonight was the first and only time he has said this to me via text. And only once via phone has he said he would ignore me. And again, only once in person, has he left. My reaction to the threat was the same each time. It *really* upset me.
Both the time by phone and the once in person were due to my deliberate disobedience, putting myself in danger behind his back and against his mandate resulting in defiance.......and as much as I *hated* it, I knew I probably deserved it. Thankfully, he did not ignore me and when he left, he came back when he sensed in my voice that I needed him.
But tonight, I suppose it might have bothered me even more because I truly didn't feel that I deserved the reaction that I got. It was crystal clear to me in both prior incidents that I really *did* deserve it; but tonight, I was just confused. I hadn't thought my statement was overtly disrespectful and as soon as I realized that he had taken it that way, I immediately apologized. It isn't as if I had said it multiple times or made any other questionable statement that he had mentioned or warned me about. I just didn't understand; still don't.
Why does this upset me so much? I have never thought that I had any sort of abandonment fears, but gauging solely by how this has upset me, perhaps I do.
I only got more upset when I asked him if he was angry, and he answered with a "yes." I am accustomed to specific reactions from Professor for my behaviors. I know I displease him, at times I frustrate him, test his patience, unfortunately at times I also disappoint him.....but I seldom anger him. I have said many times on this blog, Professor is one of the most measured and mild-tempered men I have ever met. His responses are always precise, well thought out and calculated. He has virtually no temper, and speaking from personal experience, it takes A LOT to ignite that temper.......I learned that lesson and can guarantee there will be no repeats. It worried me tonight that he was angry at me; again, I just didn't understand.
I apologized twice during the remainder of our chat, neither was even acknowledged. Again, that just upset me even more.....I didn't understand.
Maybe it was simply the lack of tone and intent in text rather than by voice. Maybe it was because we were discussing a serious topic. I had been upset, but I didn't think I was taking it out on Professor. I had actually tried really hard to make sure my own emotional turmoil did *not* impact the conversation or the way in which I spoke to him. I have, in the past, been upset by an outside circumstance and transferred that into lashing out at those closest to me, Professor being top of that list as he is close to the only person I *really* talk to about things that are emotionally charged subjects for me. I had thought, prior to this exchange, that I had done a good job at keeping my emotions and attitude in check while speaking to Professor.
It is difficult at times; days like today it feels damn near impossible. I respect Professor tremendously and value his opinion is most every aspect of my life. I often ask for his advice, have him pre-screen important correspondence in my career, solicit his take on my recent parenting dilemmas. But because I trust him and because I respect him and because I feel so close to him, I share everything with him.......and when it is a volatile topic, I vent to him. Therein lies the issue; it is *extremely* difficult to keep my guard up when I am venting.
My relationship with Professor is not one of equality. He is authority and I am not. There is a dominant side of him, and a submissive side of me. As he has patiently tried to teach me regarding other authority figures (my boss, police, etc), I also have to keep my guard up when I am interacting with him. I have completely dropped my guard a handful of times in conversation with Professor which resulted in my attitude or sass crossing the line into disrespect, my cursing far too frequently, my answering Professor less than obediently......and yes, I have been punished for this happening, and now do it *far* less than I had in the beginning of our relationship.
Tonight I was emotionally involved in the topic of conversation and honestly quite upset. Add to that, today being Veteran's Day, I should have stayed in bed this morning. Feeling this all internally, I honestly didn't think that I had allowed it to transfer into my conversation with Professor. Re-reading the IM chat log even now, I can't find a questionable comment aside from the one "smartass." Of course, if Professor took that or anything else I said as disrespectful, I expect him to bring it to my attention or give me a warning that I am on thin ice. I have really come to love the fact that my Disciplinarian does not and will not coddle me or sugar coat thing for me. He says what he means and means what he says. That sort of consistency is actually really nice. So, of course if the "smartass" upset him, I would want him to say so.
I don't believe I have ever intentionally been disrespectful to him just for the sake of doing it. That is not to say that I haven't been disrespectful, because I have been, but not ever in an intentional or spiteful manner. Anytime Professor has even mentioned disrespect in my language, attitude or behavior.......I apologize......immediately. I can not tell you a man I have more respect for. His warning, "do not talk to me like that", was heeded and it didn't bother me.
"One more and I am done talking with you." That is what upset me.......really, really upset me. I had immediately apologized and simply didn't feel the threat was necessary. Again, as soon as he said it, I flipped the switch into 'auto-pilot.' Meaning that even if I didn't understand or agree, I was certainly not going to question him as to why he chose to say it. There have been punishments that I haven't 'liked' but I can say I have honestly always agreed with his decisions. There have been statements he has made, such as telling me that since I chose to play with trust by omitting then I had to earn that trust back, that I haven't 'liked' because they weren't what I wanted to hear.......but I have always agreed that they are what I *needed* to hear. But tonight, this situation, I didn't agree and I didn't understand. But having his confirmation that he was angry at me, I wasn't about to question him and anger him further. So, instead, I 'auto-piloted' my way safely through the balance of the chat, as I cried trying to understand.
As I respect Professor, I also trust him. That includes me relinquishing control to and trusting him to act in my best interest. It also, at times, requires unquestioned obedience. I can not tell you how badly I wanted to call and beg him to come back to me at our last session, but I simply couldn't. My need to please him, my craving of his approval, meant that I would submit, without question to any punishment he felt I deserved, even if it felt crushing to me to know he had left.
Maybe on some level it is an insecurity, or again, maybe it is an irrational abandonment fear. Perhaps not so irrational, since I have lost people with whom I was closest. Perhaps it bothered me so much tonight because I was already emotionally upset. Maybe it simply brought back that panic of him leaving me alone at my last punishment. I don't know why, I only know that even now, 4 hours later, I am really upset.
To me, personally, regardless of the underlying cause, there is no threat greater than silence. Many of my spanko and sub girlfriends will list off all sorts of punishments, implements, etc that they consider the "worst punishment"........for me, it is withdraw. Ignoring me is a withdraw of contact and it would be extremely difficult for me to submit to, not as if I would have any choice in the matter, but I would struggle with it. Similarly, if Professor simply threw his hands in the air and said something like, "Fine, do whatever the hell you want, I don't care".......it would crush me.......withdraw of his control would by far be the worst thing he could do to me. I am not certain he ever would do this, but the thought alone scares me. The threat of him ignoring me, scares me......and it isn't a sharp-stabbing pain of fear......it is a heavy, achy hurt sort of fear. I believe I used the single word, "Broken", to describe how I felt during my last punishment session when I realized that Professor had left me.......it is an extremely accurate description. I am a masochist, but that is a pain that I can hardly process.
I often use my blog as sort of a personal journal.....well personal but shared with milions via the internet. I write here when I am upset or confused, I write here when I feel completely content and anchored.......I simply write and can later reference those posts that apply to certain circumstances or situations. Maybe this is just one of those posts. I have written, I have cried, I have worried, I have thought, I have tried to analyze........but as I end this post, I still have no answers, I still don't know the "why?", and I'm still scared, confused and upset over that one statement.......and because I trust Professor, I am certain it was warranted, which only makes me angry at myself for making it necessary.
I suppose both my Disciplinarian and I will go to sleep tonight being angry at me.
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