Wednesday, November 14, 2012
"I read very few times when you defend your behavior or make excuses for it to your Professor. Do you simply leave it out of your sessions as you write, or are you truly this submissive a girl?"
Am I "truly this submissive of a girl?".......did you choke on the words as you wrote them? I certainly did as I read them. :) And, I'm sure Professor would be even more amused by this notion.
Do I leave it out as I write? No, actually when writing our sessions out, I try to give you as clear a picture as possible.
So, why do you rarely see defense, excuses, justification, etc? I seldom try to use them. Simple.
First, Professor is a very firm believer in the whole "proper time and place" thing. During a punishment session is certainly not the proper time or place for me to make excuses. I have *very* specific rules of conduct to follow when I am being punished......excusing bad behavior is not on that list. I have, at times, attempted to justify my behavior......I'll leave you to guess how that worked out for me.
Expectations are clear in our relationship. One of the most important: my Disciplinarian expects me to take responsibility for my decisions.....good or bad. Honestly, I expect it of myself as well. I am also expected to accept the consequences of my decisions. Making excuses for bad behavior only sends the message to my Disciplinarian that I am not truly sorry and don't believe I was really wrong and thus I am trying to get out of it......which means an even more severe punishment because he is not simply punishing me for being wrong, he also has to punish me for excusing the behavior. Not a great combination.
Professor and I do not address my behavior on the day it happens. We typically talk about the offense a couple times before a session. He is strict but he is very reasonable and will listen to my 'reasoning'. It makes it relatively simple for us both that the 2nd most important rule I have to follow is: "do what you know is right." I admit, a lot of the time, the right thing is not easy to do and actually the wrong thing is far more appealing. Fortunately, for the rest of this world, "do what you think is fun" is not on my list of rules.
There have been some tougher ones.......typically offenses that are emotionally charged over reactions.......I know a few D/s friends who can use emotional turmoil to escape consequences for certain offenses. Initially, I'll say I almost envied them for that.....but now, rather than thinking "why doesn't that ever work for me?" I think more along the lines of, "it isn't working for them either, their behavior wont improve as long as it is excused." Professor is a very caring man and understanding when it comes to emotional situations.......but regardless, he still expects me to behave as I know we both expect. Yes, I admit and so would Professor, that he is demanding.......but I know he doesn't do it to be a jerk. I know he is demanding and sets high expectations because he wants what is best for me.
Professor has taught me that *especially* in emotional situations, I have to keep my behavioral guard up. Emotion can easily transfer into vulnerability to lash out......we simply don't accept that in our relationship. That is not to say I haven't done it, I certainly have, but I have been punished every time I have done it. Professor is working to instill self discipline in me.......and if I excused all emotional reactions, that wouldn't be very disciplined, now would it?
Honestly, I like that consistency with him. It is a reassuring feeling to know that even if the rest of the world will cave to my abrasion or justifications, Professor will not. He is, among other things, my brick wall. I'm not sure how he does it some days, but I am very glad he does.
So by the time Professor and I are addressing my behavior in person, I always have a clear picture of why I was wrong. We have discussed it multiple times. And though I may not always 'like' it......I typically always end up agreeing with his decisions. I trust Professor and his judgement; so whether or not I immediately agree is irrelevant, I know he has my best interests at heart and the trust & respect I have for this man means that I will submit.