07/17/2013
Wow! Talk about jumping from the skillet into the flames. :) I've got to be extremely loved here.
I posted earlier in this week about my Dom's choice & my proud acceptance of receiving His collar. Since just posting that to this blog a couple of days ago, I have received numerous comments and personal emails from friends, blog followers, complete strangers, lurkers and Blogger buddies. Many have been positive......some have been outright negative......but the majority have been "just checking" sort of messages. I wanted to clear this up and reassure all of you who truly care for me..........I AM OKAY..........I promise, I really am a happy girl. I know that to most anyone in my life, I am the LAST girl to strike you as submissive, so maybe my "His Collar" post truly confused you. Read On:
I mentioned in that post, but perhaps didn't specify enough to put your minds at ease, that D/s & spanking is "our thing".......not the full spectrum of BDSM. Daddy is my disciplinarian, so naturally he does punish me. Obviously, I am a pain slut, so many of my true punishments may be more intense than most girls could tolerate......a physical pain threshold is as individual as the parties testing it. Though he can & will use restraints, they are not our "norm." We have many implements, but a whip is not one of them. Post-punishment I will have *His* marks on my body, but nothing permanent, damaging or extensive.
I am *not* a slave.
Daddy is *not* a Master.
Though he has caused me minimal embarrassment or blushing by scolding me in public when I've been naughty, my Dom does not humiliate or degrade me in any way. We both enjoy the intensity of the complete power exchange of our Dom/sub relationship, and though we each have interest in other scenes/scenarios more in the BDSM realm, neither of us are into the extremely dark aspects of the kink. Not at all judging anyone else, it is just simply not "our thing."
Though our relationship is not one of equality, by choice, my Dom does very much respect my opinion. In fact, I'd venture to say that his focus is always what is in my best interests (physically, emotionally, psychologically). He loves me and takes amazing care of me and is protective of me as if I were truly his daughter. I, too, love him, admire him, respect him and am fiercely protective of him. Biology to me is irrelevant........This man *IS* my father.
I do attend spanking parties or events in the city & have met some amazing friends at them. Most often, if a girl is not accompanied by her Dom & has no symbol of her relationship.......she can be and is approached by unattached Doms/Tops who want to play & spank random girls. I have no problem simply saying "No".......and in fact, attending parties last year I did just that. It is however much easier and less annoying not to be approached at all........and I voiced this to my Daddy.
I also seem to struggle with feeling "disconnected" or "unanchored" when I am geographically separated from my Dom. We do not live with one another or see each other every day, but I prefer distance between us to not exceed 50 miles. :) I know that probably sounds ludicrous, but I genuinely do feel "farther apart" on an emotional level when we are separated by great distances. When I was in the midwest the first several months of this year for example.......I was miserable. When Daddy travels for work........I miss him terribly. When he takes his annual family vacation for 3 weeks each summer........I feel adrift. I can't even really explain my apprehension because I understand it is completely irrational.......I simply know I feel it and hate it.
Daddy chose to collar me knowing it was practically a mutual agreement as we had discussed it. It is not as if at our first meeting he chose to collar me.......I likely would have laughed. Actually, prior to this, I have *never* been collared & my Dom has not ever collared another girl. Prior to now, I was actually not only opposed to but offended by the notion. I am not a slave, I do not want a Master. I had always somehow equated a collar with the darker extremes of BDSM and it did not interest me. Now, however, I truly am excited about receiving my collar. I am humbled and extremely proud to know Daddy wants me to wear *His* collar.
I suppose the simplest way to explain this to everyone who was legitimately concerned is this:
In the vanilla world, a wedding ring is accepted as an outward symbol of a loving & committed relationship, rendering the parties who wear them as "off limits." In our world, D/s DD & BDSM, a collar is seen as that outward symbol of a loving & committed relationship, rendering the girl wearing it as "off limits" without the consent of her Dom.
Daddy has a wife & a family & a very public career........so he is not able to accompany me to every event or party I may choose to request permission to attend. He will accompany me to some, but realistically he can not always be there with me. That is also true of my day to day life.......he can not always be there when I want him with me. *His* collar CAN be. Whether it is on my neck or on my dresser, it will *always* be with me as a symbol of what we share, an extension of my Dom & his restraint over me, a physical symbol to those in our lifestyle that I am 'owned', a loving & reassuring reminder to me of just how much I really mean to my Daddy. :) I truly smile just thinking about it.
I will not wear my collar every day........it will not be on my neck at work, grocery shopping, coaching my son's soccer, cleaning my house, running to the bank, at the gym, etc. I always know that I am *His* property and I don't need a reminder of that every day.......but there are specific times that this collar is needed. It will make scene parties & events much more enjoyable as I wont have to deal with numerous, random requests to play from spank-happy Tops/Doms. It is a simple yet ornate & functional piece of "jewelry" that I can wear to sessions when I am playing with my Dom. It is also a very visible & tangible item I will have on days when I am struggling with my submission or feeling particularly disconnected from my Daddy. For all of the aforementioned reasons..........I L-O-V-E this idea & am anxious for it to arrive.
I have always loved the possessive and ownership aspects of TTWD. I am a natural born spanko girl so I could obviously get into a well-crafted spanking scene without it.........but I truly prefer spanking when it is accompanied by the possession. Belonging to the man who is spanking you makes the experience far more emotionally intense. It also connects us on our own level, rendering me completely helpless to his mind fuck. It is because I truly belong to this man that he can truly feel disappointment in me when I fail and pride in me when I succeed. Belonging to him is a very safe & reassuring feeling. I have *not* ever even ONE time needed a safeword because physically he can test me & push my limits without ever going too far......he can read me & knows what I need without me ever saying it......we're simply connected on a deeper level. I love when he calls me "My daughter", "Mine", "My little girl", "My brat"...........I smile every day knowing that I belong to Him. No man chooses to 'own', possess or claim anything that he doesn't truly care about. Having my Daddy call me his own means the world to me. Knowing that he has chosen to visibly show his ownership of me & my commitment to him to the rest of the world makes me feel incredibly proud, incredibly loved, incredibly safe, protected, valued.
I promise you all.......Daddy placing *His* collar on me is a *very* good thing & I am truly very happy, loved & feel extremely proud & lucky to belong to this amazing man. :)
07/16/2013
A recent IM conversation between my Dom & I:
Him: "What part of, 'be nice to Brandon', did you not understand young lady?"
Me: "Why do you ask?"
Him: "Don't answer my questions with questions."
Me: "Then stop asking questions that inspire questions."
Him: "What?!?!"
Oooops!
I really need to learn to THINK before I speak.......and tailor to my audience. :) Particularly when the only offense on my Punishment List is my intentional disrespect (whining, arguing, back talking, swearing, etc) toward Daddy.
My flippant response made about as much good sense as if I were to say any of the following to him:
"Make Me Sir"
"Oh wait....the spanking started? Is that all you got? Did you eat you Wheaties this morning?"
"I aint standing in this corner thinking about how naughty I was......I'm planning how to get away with it next time."
"Would you kindly shut the hell up, Sir?"
"I wasn't trying to be a brat......I was simply providing you an upper body workout.....I'm a selfless girl."
"Why was I wrong? Hell if you don't know, why are you asking me?"
"Fuck off, Sir."
"Isn't it your job to teach me to behave myself? I think YOU deserve the spanking."
Shut up self.......Shut up self........Shut up self!
07/15/2013
My Dom has given me *His* collar.
I've been seeing Professor exclusively for over a year and a half. We've built an amazing relationship in that time that I couldn't possibly equate to anything else I've ever experienced. When we began on this journey, we described what we both sought as a disciplinary relationship. In quite honest terms, he enjoys teaching naughty girls discipline & punishing them when warranted. I lacked self-discipline and needed to "grow up" in several areas of my life. We are both born spankos. A disciplinary relationship was a natural fit for the two of us.
Over time, we have bonded on a level I never could have foreseen. I truly, from day #1, sought simply a disciplinarian.......but I've found far more than that. I have my disciplinarian, I have my shoulder to cry on, my rock to lean on for support, my go-to parenting guru, personal advice columnist for all of life's troubles, my behavioral compass, my best friend........my Daddy.
Though I never sought a Daddy Dom, I imagine a part of me (the little girl inside of me) had always needed or wanted that relationship dynamic.......I had never called him anything aside from 'Professor' or 'Sir' for the first 9 months of our relationship; but somehow in that time our relationship began to transform, we became closer, I had several instances where I *truly* needed him and he was there for me every time.......I now very endearingly call him 'Daddy' with an amount of respect & adoration that is impossible to put into mere words.
Though D/s & spanking is definitely more "our thing" than the full BDSM spectrum, he has chosen to collar me and I truly could not be more proud to receive it. I'm not an overly emotional girl but I will say I began to tear up when I read his instructions & explanation of the collar he had chosen for me in an email this morning. It will be interesting to see how I react when it is around my neck.
We had agreed within the first few months of our relationship that he was my Dom and I, his sub. I would not allow another Top to spank me. I am His and his alone. It does not please me to please people.......it simply pleases me to please Him. He has long called me "my little girl", "my daughter", "my brat"........the ownership facets of our dynamic are absolute & have been that way since early in our relationship........but now having a very outward & public display of his ownership just makes me melt. I can not wait for the collar to arrive.
The picture in this post, is of my collar. I quite like the elegance of its' simplicity. It is black, leather, functional as well as ornate......a very clear sign of his possession. He expects me to wear it for our sessions and for scene parties/events so that other spank-happy Tops will know I am off limits. I smile just thinking about it.
I crave his control, his strictness, his dominance and his approval. I always enjoy seeing his marks on my body post-punishment.......but this collar will serve as a more public symbol of what we share and who I truly do belong to. :) I absolutely love it and the way I feel knowing my Daddy has chosen to 'mark me' as his own. Just when I think he has achieved perfection and couldn't possibly make me love him more.......something like this comes right out of the blue and makes me fall head over heels all over again. My Dom is amazing and I couldn't feel more loved than I do in this moment.
07/14/2013
He's seen me fall apart and yet he somehow always puts me back together.
He's witnessed my worst behavior but stays to insist I learn to do my best.
His job is far more complex than my own. I simply had one paramount decision to make: trust him enough to submit........beyond that, every decision is truly his to make. I think I quite like the nervous anticipation of realizing the only thing I know about what will happen next, is I will have no say in it. The power exchange is a HUGE turn on for me. Getting completely lost in his overwhelming dominance can quiet my mind like nothing else.
I am absolutely insatiable when it comes to a proper mind fuck......and my Dom is amazingly skilled at the art of mind fucking a naughty girl. Leaves me breathless every single time. A body submitting is not difficult to achieve, but a mind & heart willingly offering submission is an intoxicating experience.
My personal favorite adjective now......"My" or "Mine." What term he chooses to use after that doesn't even matter, as long as I've heard that label of his ownership, he could call me a purple goose and I doubt I'd care. :) I've always loved the possessive aspects of solid D/s relationships.
I think it is next to impossible for a girl to submit fully to more than one Dom; it is simply too emotional an attachment. But I see that most Doms can (and many do) dominate more than one sub at once. This is never more apparent than seeing a Dom playing with others at a function. I personally enjoy seeing my Dom being 'Toppy' with another girl......one of my favorite sessions with Daddy was a roleplay in which he punished me & my best friend together. I love seeing the distinctive sadistic flash in his eyes when in scene and watching another girl's reaction to it. Most often submission is exclusive, but dominance is not.
Having him dominate me, discipline me & guide me was a phenomenal experience in and of itself......but it is receiving the label of his ownership that meant so much more to me. He can play with & dominate dozens of brats.......but his making the conscious decision that I belong to him, am his girl, my mind & my body his property.......such a deep level of fulfillment. A man can dominate or discipline without emotional prerequisite.......it is when he chooses to call you his own, that you've truly won the prize.
Looking at the aftermath of a punishment session and seeing his visible marks on my body puts a smile on my face and as I trace my fingertips over the welts, my smile broadens as I audibly say "I am His." Saying it myself and seeing it are nice, but nothing quite solidifies it in my head & my heart as hearing the words from his lips....."You are MINE."........"My daughter"........"My little girl"........"My brat". Love it, love it, love it. Speaking recently about upcoming spanko events this summer/fall, I was told he plans to incorporate a visible sign of his ownership.....a collar or perhaps a collar-ring.....just the thought makes me smile & beam with pride.
I am *His* and I absolutely adore belonging to this man.
07/14/2013
Loved this from the moment I saw it & had to share it. So very, very true.
DNA can be created in a petri dish in a lab now.......LOVE can not be manufactured.
Also an incredibly cute & sweet sentiment. Absolutely love it.
07/13/2013
Which came first?
For those of us who manage both a vanilla romance and a D/s relationship.....which relationship came first?
Is it easier to incorporate one into your life than the other?
Susan got me thinking about this with an email she sent to me. Actually the whole romance VS D/s thing has been on my mind for several days since reading little's blog post about it. I, too, am attempting to balance the two very different relationships dynamics right now so I, of course, had to analyze this. But Susan's email got me thinking even more about it and analyzing the differences of the relationships, or acceptance of them depending on the order in which they began.
I guess, again, I have a wide spectrum of experience to analyze from.
Personally, with my current circumstances, I had my D/s relationship for more than a year before my new romance. It was also something I chose to divulge relatively early to my significant other because my relationship with my Dom is crucial to my happiness and I wouldn't be able to be in a romantic relationship with someone who would feel threatened by or want to limit this part of my life. It is simply who I am as a person. My vanilla boyfriend openly admits that he may never "get it" or understand this part of me, but he realizes it is vital to my happiness and so he will support it completely.
Then with my Dom, who is also married to a vanilla, things are different still. She knows about this facet of his life but chooses to ignore it. She may not like it necessarily, but she realized early on it was a part of him that she couldn't ever satisfy. She trusts him and knows he has a D/s relationship, but she doesn't care to hear any of the details. She doesn't ask, he doesn't tell. Simple enough.
I have the option of discussing my D/s relationship with my vanilla significant other or saying nothing at all. My boyfriend is actually fairly curious about this part of my life so he will ask questions and I answer them openly. But my point is if I have a frustration in my D/s relationship or just want another man's perspective, I have the luxury of bringing up the subject with my significant other. My Dom (and many of my D/s friends) don't have that option because their significant others either do not know or do not want to hear about this aspect of their partner's life.
I suppose a mixture of luck and my own candor about the D/s arena & it's importance in my life has afforded me this balance between the two relationships. But a part of me wonders, because of Susan's email, if a major part of the reason that my romance & D/s has balanced so well is because I had the one before the other.
Is it easier to have the romance first ongoing and then to bring up the subject of a possible side D/s relationship?
Or is it easiest to have a solid D/s relationship first and then to add a vanilla romance?
I guess, personally, I just wanted to be realistic when approaching the point where I would have both. I knew not all men would be able to tolerate or try to understand knowing D/s was a part of their woman's life and she had another man to fulfill that side of her. I think I knew unfortunately that there would be insecurities no matter how I went about broaching the subject. So for me I had to be able to prioritize, on a personal level, before I started a romance. I had to look at myself and realize that as nice & comforting as a romantic partner may be, it could never fill the void & need I have to belong to a Dominant man and submit to Him for our pleasure. I had to do searching and analyzing internally to come to the conclusion that if I were ever backed into a corner & forced to choose......I would have to walk away from the romance without hesitation because the relationship I have found with my Dom means that much to me & his ability to meet my needs and satisfy me on a level that hadn't seemed possible prior to our relationship is invaluable to me.
Once I came to those realizations and readily accepted them myself, I chose to act accordingly when romantically approached. I had no choice but to be honest about this part of my life.
I suppose I could have tried to hide it but eventually as any romantic relationship developed, my significant other would undoubtedly hear me saying "Yes Sir" or "No Sir" or "I love you Daddy" on the phone.......and a new significant other would certainly notice my various spanking implements in my bedroom........and unless he were a disconnected idiot, he would notice the changes in my mood & anxiety levels before a session with my Dom and subsequently notice the balance & catharsis I experience after a session........and if the significant other were out of touch with all of that, he would most certainly notice the marking apparent for a couple days to a week post-session covering my bottom & thighs.
I think knowing all of this, it made it relatively easy to discuss the D/s topic with my significant other very early in our romance. I didn't want to become emotionally attached or invested in a romance if my partner didn't know of & respect my relationship with my Dom. I think most of the time that the upfront way I approached it made incorporating the two far simpler than if I had tried to hide one from the other & vice versa.
For each & every couple, I imagine the "right way" to balance the two very different relationships is as unique & complex as the individuals involved. For some, keeping the two separate and hidden from one another is the only option. For those of us who choose to blur the lines of fantasy & reality and be forthcoming with our vanilla partners about our D/s lives & relationships, it is definitely difficult but I think if it is done "right", it is not impossible.
07/12/2013
Beautiful sentiments.........Couldn't have worded it better myself.........Every word is just so dead-on accurate.
Love readings things like this, written by someone who truly "gets it" rather than a hypothesizing vanilla writing about us & making us out to be some sort of fractured beings or subspecies.
Just refreshing & reassuring to see there are other girls who share my train of thought in this world.
Offering submission to a man whose dominance is truly an amazing gift to me........ahhhh blissful acquiescence.........I don't know if there is a more freeing feeling in this world than relinquishing all of my control & power to Him and knowing in my heart that he will always take care of me, always do what is best for me and always leave me satisfied on a level no one else possibly can. It truly pleases me to please this man.
07/11/2013
Definitely really, *really* hard stuff. I saw a girlfriend's post about her struggle with combining her D/s relationship and her vanilla romance.....and it made me pause, think and now wonder.
I'm navigating my own vanilla romance right now and balancing it with my D/s relationship with my Daddy Dom......who is also married to a vanilla partner. I've had the two entwined before.....D/s with romance.....so I've experienced both aspects of the dynamic, and both have their own unique pros and cons. Personally, while the intensity of my marriage was amazing with the DD aspects........I quite honestly now think I prefer the dynamic I have now with my Dom.........the D/s without the romance added to complicate things. Combining D/s & romance gave me more control than I wanted........it's not overly difficult to manipulate a man you're sleeping with. :)
Back to my fellow subs post.....she wonders if her D/s relationship is pushing her non-Dom away......if one relationship succeeding is doing so at the expense of the other......she feels the judgement of her vanilla partner.
HARD STUFF!
It all got me wondering though, because again I am currently managing a D/s relationship and a vanilla romance. It's definitely a delicate balancing act, but reading little's post, has me asking my own questions.
Is it possible to have both? Healthily manage the two separate from one another?
Does it have to be all or nothing for a relationship to truly withstand this test?
To make your vanilla partner truly happy, do you have to give up this part of your life? Even if it is detrimental to you? Do you just need to be open, honest and conscious of their feelings? Do you need to discuss your D/s needs and agree to limits to make your vanilla partner secure? Is it even right of a partner to expect to request you limit this part of who you are?
HARD STUFF!
I think, based on my own current circumstances, it is possible to have both D/s and romance......and with the "right" partners, one relationship can benefit the other.
My Dom sent me an email about a week ago actually reminding me to be cognizant of my partner......to understand that it must be difficult for him to realize he can not meet all of my needs. I, personally, think it is unrealistic for anyone to expect to be able to meet every need of their romantic partner.....but I understood what my Daddy was trying to say to me. Vanilla partners may have self doubt issues when they realize they truly can't satisfy this need we have......particularly when they realize that the bond, the physical & emotional intimacy of D/s, and the release fulfilling this part of who we are provides a level of satisfaction vital to us but foreign to them.
Some vanilla partners will try to fill the need to humor us or in an attempt to meet the need, but realistically that won't work for long.....you are either born with this DNA or you are not. Some vanilla partners may know but choose to ignore this part of our lives in an effort to protect themselves from the painful realization that they are not able to meet our needs. Some vanilla partners openly support our D/s relationships, but may still struggle internally with true acceptance.
How, long term, do you navigate & balance both?
I had my Daddy when I connected with my significant other and laid out my "non-negotiables" in a very clear way in the infancy of our budding romance......my politics, kids, religious standing, sports teams and of course my D/s relationship. I told him he may not understand this part of my life, but I would not change it and if he couldn't support it, then we wouldn't work. I didn't want to hide it from him until we were both so emotionally invested that it would have crushed us to walk away if this wasn't something he could live with. And D/s is such an important part of my life & who I am that I would never even consider changing or limiting my relationship with my Dom in order to please a romantic partner. I think romance, love & sex is a necessary part of most any truly happy life.....but if backed into a corner & forced to choose, the D/s needs & my relationship with my Dom would win out easily. I was born a spanko girl with a need for true discipline at the core.....I am hard-wired this way and I could/would never change that. Denying this part of me would be denying me......I wouldn't ever truly be happy......I simply couldn't just ignore or 'change' this need, it is a part of who I am.
Then add to that what I have found in my Dom......he not only satisfies this part of who I am as a person, he has become an integral part of my life. He is in every sense aside from biological.....my father. He mentors me & provides me direction, he loves & understands me on a level no one else could, he provides the discipline & tangible consequences that I need & crave in my life, he is my constant & consistent source of advice & support. He encourages my positive ambitions and restrains my negative impulses. He has taught me, among numerous other things, that it really is okay to love & to trust. When my world spins wildly & I become overwhelmed, he is my safe haven.....I can run to him and he will shelter me from the chaos and help renew my focus & determination by firmly taking away my control, meeting me on our own level and allowing me to melt & escape into his dominance.
I think in every relationship, there is give and take.....compromise......each partner sacrifices for the other. A vanilla partner could never truly understand this part of who we are because they weren't wired as we were. The same as they could never really satisfy this part of us.
I think many of our vanilla partners struggle with accepting this D/s dynamic because there are very obvious & undeniable sexual undertones to what we do. Whether or not we choose to act on them is another story and a personal decision, but we can't truly deny that there is a blatant sexual aspect of what we do. Add the very close emotional connection and intimacy of a D/s relationship, and it could seem threatening or intolerable for a vanilla partner.
Truly I think *that* is the source of most of our vanilla partners concerns. Not necessarily the physicality of what we do, but the depth of emotional connection shared in a D/s relationship.
My significant other knows of and outwardly supports my D/s relationship with Daddy. He knows it is a fundamental need I have that he, himself, could never possibly meet. He knows that I am very close to my Dom, discuss topics with him that I would never with anyone else, rely on him for strength & support when I feel weakest. He knows I love my Dom and wouldn't walk away from what I have built with him. Thus far, he has been incredibly understanding of my D/s needs......but reading of my fellow-subs current issues with her vanilla romance, I wonder if a vanilla partner can truly ever embrace, respect & support this side of who we are?
So much to think about this topic. More questions than answers. Concerns, worries, legitimate insecurities to examine, analyzing to do......is it possible to truly be happy & have it all while balancing these 2 relationships?
Thoughts and comments requested.
07/10/2013
So it's my birthday but my Dom is away.........how cruel to leave a girl without a proper birthday spanking. :)
In his defense, the trip was important for work and he did still spend a decent amount of time with me via text, IM and phone calls......and did send a totally perfect card that made me melt, swoon & spank-horny all at the same time.
The man is talented. :)
Miss you Daddy......hurry home to me, I'm a year older and a lot naughtier. :)
07/09/2013
Excuse me for a moment while I have a "WTF?" moment and roll on the floor laughing hysterically.
My inspiration for said outburst? Ah, so glad you asked......read on:
"I love your blog and find you intriguing. Would you consider being a Pro-sub? Do you think your Dom would mind?"
I'm sorry, but this amuses me to no end......and I just have to reply publicly to such a notion. :)
First, do you reside on the same planet I do?
If so, maybe we have a language barrier?
There is NO WAY you are reading MY writing and thinking I would be an ideal "pro-sub." Really? LOL!
Because I jump off the screen and strike you as so naturally submissive, right?
And the phrase "yes Sir" comes as easily out of my mouth as utter bullshit seems to from yours? LOL!
Would my Dom mind??? I promise if he doesn't die of laughter, reading this, I'll ask him......Don't worry, I won't let my Daddy die of a coronary (certainly not one I haven't caused any how).......But please don't hold your breath awaiting his answer.......Funny informational tid-bit about my Dom (and most any dominant man I know): they tend to be possessive of what they claim as their property.
AKA: I'm kind of His, He is kind of mine and we both kind of like it this way.
And someone with intelligence, please explain to me what "Pro" even means in TTWD? People get PAID for Dominance and/or submission? Daddy......quit your day job! :)
A small amount of further information: I suppose to an idiot, gaining submission could seem rather simple. And I imagine, if you were physically imposing enough & wore kevlar, you *may* be able to overpower me physically......or most women, for that matter.......physically. Funny thing about true submission, it's only really about 25% physical. The more difficult task lies in not dominating a woman's body, but her mind.
If you have really read a post on this blog, you've heard & should understand the term "mindfuck".......he can dominate me because he worked his way into my head and has spent the last year & a half in there figuring out what makes me tick and mastering those controls. It is the mind and the heart that holds back & requires far more than a capable hand to conquer. Trust and respect are sort of essential to acquiescence. Submission is not taken.....it's not given without prerequisite......IT IS EARNED.
I am cutting the lecture short for now.......but simply for good measure, I have to add just one more:
WTF?
07/08/2013
Analyzing the deeper reasons for my actions.......the darker provocation of my behavior.
I've thought, I've wondered, I've questioned, I've spoken to a friend, I've cried, I've analyzed....
The "hypothesis" I just emailed to my Dom:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daddy...........
I didn't want to spend our time on the phone this morning discussing this topic but I am still really not okay with this weekend; I was up most of the night analyzing (go figure) and I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this.......and since you have an 8 hour flight, well you have plenty of time to wade through the emotional turmoil inside of your red-headed brats over-analytical mind.
I know I was wrong in the majority of my communication with you this weekend; what upsets me even more, is that I knew it was wrong before I did it.....and I did it anyway. So I spent a lot of time last night trying to decipher "why?" I think I've come to the conclusion that I have two very distinct me's vying for control. For the most part, what the vast majority of the world sees is the adult me......the capable, smart, dominant woman ready to take on the world at a moments notice & without a second thought. My confidence can border on cockiness but I tend to walk that line very well most of the time. The other "me" is very different and though she controls a lot of my impulsive, reckless behavior very few people see her. She's the little girl inside of me that really has never grown up. She's arrogant & abrasive but laden with self-doubt. Wanting to be "good enough" but never quite sure I am.
I wrote in my Father's Day blog post to you "life has taught me to fight"......and I'm not sure there is a more accurate statement in the world. I am always ready to fight. Always donning armor and ready to defend myself. I've been hurt.......and not even always intentionally. The adult me knows that neither my mother, nor my husband 'chose' to leave me........but the little girl in me says intention aside, they left. I think that's why I have worked so hard to build the walls I have in place to protect myself. It is hard for me to trust people because it requires a certain level of vulnerability. If I am abrasive and keep people out, push them away then the hurt & the risk is minimized because I am the one with the control......I walk away, I am not simply left or abandoned.
The adult me knows you only have my best interests at heart and always have. But the little girl, at times, refuses to listen to that logic and instead of truly listening when you're speaking to me......she is too busy with internal dialogue prepping her self defense, wanting what she wants and constantly questioning "why should I do it *his* way when he is going to leave like everyone else anyway?" The adult me knows better and realizes that even when you're angry with me, you've always been here for me and you've always done what is best for me because you *do* love me. I just seem to still have an issue reconciling the two "me's". Maybe I'm broken?
Then I had to analyze why I continued the disrespectful tirade throughout the weekend. I'd been a bitch Saturday night & argued with you.....I felt bad, apologized but did the same damn thing Sunday. Why??? Yes they were extreme circumstances and yes I was emotional.......that's not an excuse, just a convenient scapegoat. Then I decided that part of the reason I am so angry & upset with myself is because you weren't. I know that probably makes no sense at all and I should have embraced that leniency but I didn't, I did the exact opposite. I think when the rest of my world falls apart, I have gotten used to being able to fall into you. I take stupid risks and run through life at triple digit speeds but in you, I've found my "wall." You stop me....without permanent damage done and you don't break or bend like everyone else does. I think I can very easily accept or embrace your firm, unwavering & demanding demeanor but I struggle to accept your understanding. I know you're not unreasonable and though you can be in certain circumstances, you're not a prick......and that's part of the reason I love you as much as I do. You've given me limits, but you don't micromanage. You're strict but fair. I suppose as I have two distinct "me's".....you do as well. Part of you is a demanding, no-nonsense disciplinarian who has perfected the art of mind fucking and is the ideal sadist. The other half of you is my Dad......you're loving, nurturing, understanding, caring and you love me despite my ridiculous behavior.
I think when I began to fall apart Saturday and started being disrespectful, I expected a far different reaction than I got. And when I didn't get it, I initially felt unanchored, unsure so I continued to push the envelope.....perhaps seeking that reaction I felt I deserved. I can't ever recall in the last year and a half, intentionally 'testing' you but I wonder now if that is what I did this weekend. And that bothers me a lot because this is not a game to me. But replaying the weekend and my behavior, I started to lose it and though you stood your ground, you were understanding and I couldn't or maybe wouldn't accept that. I got a couple firm "No's".....you told me to stop.....you raised your voice (all caps)......you gave me mandates.......and yet I continued to fight you. Why? Realistically I know it never would have happened in person, but I'm not okay with it happening at all.....period.
Then I think maybe you knew what was fueling my rebellion was that antagonistic little girl and you weren't going to give me the reaction I wanted or felt I needed. I've said for a long time that you always seem to know what I need, even when I don't or can't articulate it......maybe I should have focused less on fighting you and more on trusting you. I adore being your little girl, you've fulfilled a need I've always had and given me something I've always wanted.....a father. I love knowing that when the rest of the world seems chaotic, I can run to you and you'll shield me from it all for a while. I love the effects you have on me, the calm I feel when I am with you, your voice, your eyes, your touch.....the emotion is palpable. The intensity of this relationship dynamic, when orchestrated right, can not possibly be paralleled. The trust, admiration, love and respect I have for you is not something I'd ever imagined possible prior to 02/2012. Our relationship, our connection, our bond is not something the adult "me" would ever play with or risk as part of a ridiculous power-struggle tantrum......but I think the little girl in me did that this weekend.......and I hate it.......and I can't just let that go, Daddy because I feel like I merely got a slap on the wrist, when what I needed & deserved was slapped across the face.
I'm so sorry for how I behaved and spoke with you. It wasn't okay, the circumstances are irrelevant and you didn't deserve the disrespect you were shown. I hate that I did it and I'm not going to be able to let this go easily, Daddy. I know ultimately we are and will continue to be okay........but I'm incredibly angry at myself for how I spoke to you and the more I try to analyze it, the worse I feel. I'm sorry I did this. Please help me "fix" this, Sir. The more I think, the worse it gets.......the more mercy you extend, the harder I am on myself. Am I broken?
I love you.
{{Hugs you tightly}}
Your Disrespectful Little Brat,
Natalie Lynn
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07/07/2013
I don't know what has gotten into me lately.
What the hell is wrong with me???
I'm stressed and dealing with medical issues and other situations that have me at times, feeling like I am at my breaking point......and beyond.
Typically, when I feel backed into a corner, I know I have a safe place to fall.....my Daddy. I can run to him and I know he will hide me away from the world in his arms and lull me back to sanity with his deep, resounding voice. He "fixes" the chaos and protects me from the insane world in which we reside.
But this time.......with this mess.......and latest stress and bout of medical mishaps.......I've not run to him. :( I've run in the opposite direction.
*I've ignored him,
*Pushed him away,
*Been abrasive,
*Withheld information,
*Sworn at him,
*Stuck to my typical "I'm fine" theory,
*Argued with him,
*Told him flat out "NO!" multiple times,
*Made him repeat himself,
*Made him argue with me over stupid shit,
*Made him raise his voice at me,
*Made him mandate things I should have willingly done on my own.
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I know I'm stressed but that is absolutely no excuse for how I've behaved.
I just feel like such a failure right now. And I've again, done it to myself.
WHY DO I DO THIS???
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
07/04/2013
Happy Independence Day USA!
Always hard, but getting easier.
To the pricks with an agenda burning our flag.........remember, we have fought to given you that right.
Enjoy your paid day off and enjoy the fireworks and festivites to mark this occassion.
Politics aside, your may never agree with our government but you have no reason not to stand behind the man and women who volunteer to wear that uniform.
Tho the families supporting such loved ones......Thank you!
To those still fighting half way around this world in a living hell we can only fathom.......Thank you and stay safe. You are america's 911 and I will forever be thankful for your sacrifice.
And if you don't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them.
Freedom is NOT FREE!
