Naughty Irish Imp

Naughty Irish Imp

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

All Or Nothing? Is It Possible?


Definitely really, *really* hard stuff. I saw a girlfriend's post about her struggle with combining her D/s relationship and her vanilla romance.....and it made me pause, think and now wonder. 

I'm navigating my own vanilla romance right now and balancing it with my D/s relationship with my Daddy Dom......who is also married to a vanilla partner. I've had the two entwined before.....D/s with I've experienced both aspects of the dynamic, and both have their own unique pros and cons. Personally, while the intensity of my marriage was amazing with the DD aspects........I quite honestly now think I prefer the dynamic I have now with my Dom.........the D/s without the romance added to complicate things. Combining D/s & romance gave me more control than I's not overly difficult to manipulate a man you're sleeping with. :)   

Back to my fellow subs post.....she wonders if her D/s relationship is pushing her non-Dom away......if one relationship succeeding is doing so at the expense of the other......she feels the judgement of her vanilla partner. 


It all got me wondering though, because again I am currently managing a D/s relationship and a vanilla romance. It's definitely a delicate balancing act, but reading little's post, has me asking my own questions. 

Is it possible to have both? Healthily manage the two separate from one another?

Does it have to be all or nothing for a relationship to truly withstand this test?

To make your vanilla partner truly happy, do you have to give up this part of your life? Even if it is detrimental to you? Do you just need to be open, honest and conscious of their feelings? Do you need to discuss your D/s needs and agree to limits to make your vanilla partner secure? Is it even right of a partner to expect to request you limit this part of who you are? 


I think, based on my own current circumstances, it is possible to have both D/s and romance......and with the "right" partners, one relationship can benefit the other. 

My Dom sent me an email about a week ago actually reminding me to be cognizant of my understand that it must be difficult for him to realize he can not meet all of my needs. I, personally, think it is unrealistic for anyone to expect to be able to meet every need of their romantic partner.....but I understood what my Daddy was trying to say to me. Vanilla partners may have self doubt issues when they realize they truly can't satisfy this need we have......particularly when they realize that the bond, the physical & emotional intimacy of D/s, and the release fulfilling this part of who we are provides a level of satisfaction vital to us but foreign to them.

Some vanilla partners will try to fill the need to humor us or in an attempt to meet the need, but realistically that won't work for are either born with this DNA or you are not. Some vanilla partners may know but choose to ignore this part of our lives in an effort to protect themselves from the painful realization that they are not able to meet our needs. Some vanilla partners openly support our D/s relationships, but may still struggle internally with true acceptance. 

How, long term, do you navigate & balance both? 

I had my Daddy when I connected with my significant other and laid out my "non-negotiables" in a very clear way in the infancy of our budding politics, kids, religious standing, sports teams and of course my D/s relationship. I told him he may not understand this part of my life, but I would not change it and if he couldn't support it, then we wouldn't work. I didn't want to hide it from him until we were both so emotionally invested that it would have crushed us to walk away if this wasn't something he could live with. And D/s is such an important part of my life & who I am that I would never even consider changing or limiting my relationship with my Dom in order to please a romantic partner. I think romance, love & sex is a necessary part of most any truly happy life.....but if backed into a corner & forced to choose, the D/s needs & my relationship with my Dom would win out easily. I was born a spanko girl with a need for true discipline at the core.....I am hard-wired this way and I could/would never change that. Denying this part of me would be denying me......I wouldn't ever truly be happy......I simply couldn't just ignore or 'change' this need, it is a part of who I am. 

Then add to that what I have found in my Dom......he not only satisfies this part of who I am as a person, he has become an integral part of my life. He is in every sense aside from father. He mentors me & provides me direction, he loves & understands me on a level no one else could, he provides the discipline & tangible consequences that I need & crave in my life, he is my constant & consistent source of advice & support. He encourages my positive ambitions and restrains my negative impulses. He has taught me, among numerous other things, that it really is okay to love & to trust. When my world spins wildly & I become overwhelmed, he is my safe haven.....I can run to him and he will shelter me from the chaos and help renew my focus & determination by firmly taking away my control, meeting me on our own level and allowing me to melt & escape into his dominance. 

I think in every relationship, there is give and take.....compromise......each partner sacrifices for the other. A vanilla partner could never truly understand this part of who we are because they weren't wired as we were. The same as they could never really satisfy this part of us. 

I think many of our vanilla partners struggle with accepting this D/s dynamic because there are very obvious & undeniable sexual undertones to what we do. Whether or not we choose to act on them is another story and a personal decision, but we can't truly deny that there is a blatant sexual aspect of what we do. Add the very close emotional connection and intimacy of a D/s relationship, and it could seem threatening or intolerable for a vanilla partner. 

Truly I think *that* is the source of most of our vanilla partners concerns. Not necessarily the physicality of what we do, but the depth of emotional connection shared in a D/s relationship.

My significant other knows of and outwardly supports my D/s relationship with Daddy. He knows it is a fundamental need I have that he, himself, could never possibly meet. He knows that I am very close to my Dom, discuss topics with him that I would never with anyone else, rely on him for strength & support when I feel weakest. He knows I love my Dom and wouldn't walk away from what I have built with him. Thus far, he has been incredibly understanding of my D/s needs......but reading of my fellow-subs current issues with her vanilla romance, I wonder if a vanilla partner can truly ever embrace, respect & support this side of who we are? 

So much to think about this topic. More questions than answers. Concerns, worries, legitimate insecurities to examine, analyzing to it possible to truly be happy & have it all while balancing these 2 relationships? 

Thoughts and comments requested. 


  1. Just reading and thinking...thanks for the wisdom. My life appears to contain more complexity than relationship 'a' vs relationship 'b'. But I wish it were more simple. I have the choice to make it so...but I can't seem to walk away from 'a' worried for the significant consequences which at their worst could be quite dramatic. Walking away from 'b' means denying the man who answers these needs in me, denying me!

    thinking, thinking...

  2. little........I'm sorry you're backed into this corner honey. I know our vanillas couldn't ever really get it but I don't think it's okay for them to make you feel like you have to choose one or the other. I'm here if you want to talk. Love ya

  3. ha! I happened across this post and thought ..ths is so me!
    I came to comment and what did I find? I find I truly DO have a memory like a gold fish! lol