07/08/2013
Analyzing the deeper reasons for my actions.......the darker provocation of my behavior.
I've thought, I've wondered, I've questioned, I've spoken to a friend, I've cried, I've analyzed....
The "hypothesis" I just emailed to my Dom:
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Daddy...........
I didn't want to spend our time on the phone this morning discussing this topic but I am still really not okay with this weekend; I was up most of the night analyzing (go figure) and I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this.......and since you have an 8 hour flight, well you have plenty of time to wade through the emotional turmoil inside of your red-headed brats over-analytical mind.
I know I was wrong in the majority of my communication with you this weekend; what upsets me even more, is that I knew it was wrong before I did it.....and I did it anyway. So I spent a lot of time last night trying to decipher "why?" I think I've come to the conclusion that I have two very distinct me's vying for control. For the most part, what the vast majority of the world sees is the adult me......the capable, smart, dominant woman ready to take on the world at a moments notice & without a second thought. My confidence can border on cockiness but I tend to walk that line very well most of the time. The other "me" is very different and though she controls a lot of my impulsive, reckless behavior very few people see her. She's the little girl inside of me that really has never grown up. She's arrogant & abrasive but laden with self-doubt. Wanting to be "good enough" but never quite sure I am.
I wrote in my Father's Day blog post to you "life has taught me to fight"......and I'm not sure there is a more accurate statement in the world. I am always ready to fight. Always donning armor and ready to defend myself. I've been hurt.......and not even always intentionally. The adult me knows that neither my mother, nor my husband 'chose' to leave me........but the little girl in me says intention aside, they left. I think that's why I have worked so hard to build the walls I have in place to protect myself. It is hard for me to trust people because it requires a certain level of vulnerability. If I am abrasive and keep people out, push them away then the hurt & the risk is minimized because I am the one with the control......I walk away, I am not simply left or abandoned.
The adult me knows you only have my best interests at heart and always have. But the little girl, at times, refuses to listen to that logic and instead of truly listening when you're speaking to me......she is too busy with internal dialogue prepping her self defense, wanting what she wants and constantly questioning "why should I do it *his* way when he is going to leave like everyone else anyway?" The adult me knows better and realizes that even when you're angry with me, you've always been here for me and you've always done what is best for me because you *do* love me. I just seem to still have an issue reconciling the two "me's". Maybe I'm broken?
Then I had to analyze why I continued the disrespectful tirade throughout the weekend. I'd been a bitch Saturday night & argued with you.....I felt bad, apologized but did the same damn thing Sunday. Why??? Yes they were extreme circumstances and yes I was emotional.......that's not an excuse, just a convenient scapegoat. Then I decided that part of the reason I am so angry & upset with myself is because you weren't. I know that probably makes no sense at all and I should have embraced that leniency but I didn't, I did the exact opposite. I think when the rest of my world falls apart, I have gotten used to being able to fall into you. I take stupid risks and run through life at triple digit speeds but in you, I've found my "wall." You stop me....without permanent damage done and you don't break or bend like everyone else does. I think I can very easily accept or embrace your firm, unwavering & demanding demeanor but I struggle to accept your understanding. I know you're not unreasonable and though you can be in certain circumstances, you're not a prick......and that's part of the reason I love you as much as I do. You've given me limits, but you don't micromanage. You're strict but fair. I suppose as I have two distinct "me's".....you do as well. Part of you is a demanding, no-nonsense disciplinarian who has perfected the art of mind fucking and is the ideal sadist. The other half of you is my Dad......you're loving, nurturing, understanding, caring and you love me despite my ridiculous behavior.
I think when I began to fall apart Saturday and started being disrespectful, I expected a far different reaction than I got. And when I didn't get it, I initially felt unanchored, unsure so I continued to push the envelope.....perhaps seeking that reaction I felt I deserved. I can't ever recall in the last year and a half, intentionally 'testing' you but I wonder now if that is what I did this weekend. And that bothers me a lot because this is not a game to me. But replaying the weekend and my behavior, I started to lose it and though you stood your ground, you were understanding and I couldn't or maybe wouldn't accept that. I got a couple firm "No's".....you told me to stop.....you raised your voice (all caps)......you gave me mandates.......and yet I continued to fight you. Why? Realistically I know it never would have happened in person, but I'm not okay with it happening at all.....period.
Then I think maybe you knew what was fueling my rebellion was that antagonistic little girl and you weren't going to give me the reaction I wanted or felt I needed. I've said for a long time that you always seem to know what I need, even when I don't or can't articulate it......maybe I should have focused less on fighting you and more on trusting you. I adore being your little girl, you've fulfilled a need I've always had and given me something I've always wanted.....a father. I love knowing that when the rest of the world seems chaotic, I can run to you and you'll shield me from it all for a while. I love the effects you have on me, the calm I feel when I am with you, your voice, your eyes, your touch.....the emotion is palpable. The intensity of this relationship dynamic, when orchestrated right, can not possibly be paralleled. The trust, admiration, love and respect I have for you is not something I'd ever imagined possible prior to 02/2012. Our relationship, our connection, our bond is not something the adult "me" would ever play with or risk as part of a ridiculous power-struggle tantrum......but I think the little girl in me did that this weekend.......and I hate it.......and I can't just let that go, Daddy because I feel like I merely got a slap on the wrist, when what I needed & deserved was slapped across the face.
I'm so sorry for how I behaved and spoke with you. It wasn't okay, the circumstances are irrelevant and you didn't deserve the disrespect you were shown. I hate that I did it and I'm not going to be able to let this go easily, Daddy. I know ultimately we are and will continue to be okay........but I'm incredibly angry at myself for how I spoke to you and the more I try to analyze it, the worse I feel. I'm sorry I did this. Please help me "fix" this, Sir. The more I think, the worse it gets.......the more mercy you extend, the harder I am on myself. Am I broken?
I love you.
{{Hugs you tightly}}
Your Disrespectful Little Brat,
Natalie Lynn
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