Monday, July 29, 2013
Waiting for My Daddy
As of yesterday, my Daddy has been gone for a whole week....but it's only the 1st week of his annual 3 week family vacation. I take solace in knowing he truly does *need* a vacation & spending time with his kids always puts him in a great mood. I'm doing alright.....but I'll admit, I miss him so very much.
I'm not feeling as disconnected as I did last year during his absence. Our emails have been consistent.....he has somehow found the time to have a couple IM conversations on Yahoo with me.....even though it is difficult to get away, he has made the effort to call me 3 times this past week. He is pretty amazing at multi-tasking and has done a remarkable job of balancing his family time on vacation and still providing me measurable long distance discipline. I still miss him....but I know I am loved.
I've had just one offense on my Punishment List for 6 weeks now.....but that one offense is my blatant disrespect toward Dad when we disagreed in June about a medical issue. I'm not in trouble for disagreeing.....I'm in trouble for how I reacted to him. I argued, I talked back, I swore at him, I ignored him, I questioned him, I yelled at him.......you get the idea. So as I said, I only had ONE offense on my list, but it is one of the worst offenses.....disrespect......never handled lightly in this relationship. And I've struggled with respect before & been punished for it......so technically this is also a repeat offense. I've felt guilt for doing it and I do want it addressed so we can move past it, but on the other hand I'm not looking forward to the "discussion" because I know how harsh it will be for the offense. As much as I know I deserve the severity of punishment I am facing, it doesn't do much to ease the trepidation & anxiety.
Now for Daddy's 1st week away, I behaved like a perfect little angel......mostly. It was actually my goal to not add even one more offense to my list during his entire vacation, so he could come home proud of me.....unlike last year. And I tried really hard.....and thought I'd behaved well......but Dad told me last night to add an entry to my list for a miscommunication error that caused my family to worry about me. I didn't want the entry......and I didn't think I deserved it......so I told Daddy this:
Me: Daddy I expected to get an entry for how I reacted to your guys concern because I was sort of abrasive, defensive & a bitch......but I did not think I'd be punished for the miscommunication.
Him: You know I hold you to high standards, Natalie Lynn. But you are right, you deserve to be punished for your reaction as well, add that as a second entry.
Me: No no no, that's not what I wanted!
Him: When did I ask you what you wanted?
Me: Daddy I like being held to high standards, but I don't see any way I could have prevented or predicted this technological fuck-up.
Him: What did you just say, young lady?
Me: And I sure as hell didn't bring it up so you could try to add more punishment list entries now. No no no.
Him: Watch your mouth, young lady. Did I ask why you brought it up?
Me: No Sir, you didn't ask.
Him: Then why are you whining to me about it? Record your two new entries and thank me for caring enough to correct your behavior.
Me: I'm not whining. I DON'T WHINE!
Him: Want to go for a third entry now for how you are talking to me, little girl? Which BTW would be a repeat of the one offense currently topping your list (blatant disrespect).
Me: No Sir. I didn't want ANY entries. I've only had one for 6 weeks now; I've been behaving, or I thought so.
Him: Then stop your 'non-whining' and accept your new entries.
Me: Fine. I give up.
Him: Wrong answer, try again young lady.
Me: Yes Sir.
Him: Better. Watch it, Natalie Lynn.
So now, even though I have worked incredibly hard to behave myself entirely......I guess I didn't.......I failed.......and now I have 2 more damn offenses on my PL to be punished for. **sighs** It frustrates me because I have actually always agreed with my Dom that I deserve to be punished for an offense......and this communication one, I just didn't. But my agreeing is pretty much irrelevant because I am *His* girl and standards for my behavior are his to set, not mine. My job is simply to trust him and submit to him......both of which I will do.
I just hope I can figuratively, pick myself up from this fall and keep on moving forward. I have 2 more weeks of my Dom being gone, and I'd like to keep any and all possible offenses off of my punishment list. I want to be a good girl, I want to behave, I want to meet his expectations......I want my Daddy to come home proud of me this year, rather than disappointed in me, like last year.