Naughty Irish Imp

Naughty Irish Imp

Saturday, July 13, 2013

The Chicken Or The Egg?


Which came first? 

For those of us who manage both a vanilla romance and a D/s relationship.....which relationship came first? 

Is it easier to incorporate one into your life than the other? 

Susan got me thinking about this with an email she sent to me. Actually the whole romance VS D/s thing has been on my mind for several days since reading little's blog post about it. I, too, am attempting to balance the two very different relationships dynamics right now so I, of course, had to analyze this. But Susan's email got me thinking even more about it and analyzing the differences of the relationships, or acceptance of them depending on the order in which they began. 

I guess, again, I have a wide spectrum of experience to analyze from. 

Personally, with my current circumstances, I had my D/s relationship for more than a year before my new romance. It was also something I chose to divulge relatively early to my significant other because my relationship with my Dom is crucial to my happiness and I wouldn't be able to be in a romantic relationship with someone who would feel threatened by or want to limit this part of my life. It is simply who I am as a person. My vanilla boyfriend openly admits that he may never "get it" or understand this part of me, but he realizes it is vital to my happiness and so he will support it completely. 

Then with my Dom, who is also married to a vanilla, things are different still. She knows about this facet of his life but chooses to ignore it. She may not like it necessarily, but she realized early on it was a part of him that she couldn't ever satisfy. She trusts him and knows he has a D/s relationship, but she doesn't care to hear any of the details. She doesn't ask, he doesn't tell. Simple enough. 

I have the option of discussing my D/s relationship with my vanilla significant other or saying nothing at all. My boyfriend is actually fairly curious about this part of my life so he will ask questions and I answer them openly. But my point is if I have a frustration in my D/s relationship or just want another man's perspective, I have the luxury of bringing up the subject with my significant other. My Dom (and many of my D/s friends) don't have that option because their significant others either do not know or do not want to hear about this aspect of their partner's life. 

I suppose a mixture of luck and my own candor about the D/s arena & it's importance in my life has afforded me this balance between the two relationships. But a part of me wonders, because of Susan's email, if a major part of the reason that my romance & D/s has balanced so well is because I had the one before the other. 

Is it easier to have the romance first ongoing and then to bring up the subject of a possible side D/s relationship? 

Or is it easiest to have a solid D/s relationship first and then to add a vanilla romance?

I guess, personally, I just wanted to be realistic when approaching the point where I would have both. I knew not all men would be able to tolerate or try to understand knowing D/s was a part of their woman's life and she had another man to fulfill that side of her. I think I knew unfortunately that there would be insecurities no matter how I went about broaching the subject. So for me I had to be able to prioritize, on a personal level, before I started a romance. I had to look at myself and realize that as nice & comforting as a romantic partner may be, it could never fill the void & need I have to belong to a Dominant man and submit to Him for our pleasure. I had to do searching and analyzing internally to come to the conclusion that if I were ever backed into a corner & forced to choose......I would have to walk away from the romance without hesitation because the relationship I have found with my Dom means that much to me & his ability to meet my needs and satisfy me on a level that hadn't seemed possible prior to our relationship is invaluable to me. 

Once I came to those realizations and readily accepted them myself, I chose to act accordingly when romantically approached. I had no choice but to be honest about this part of my life. 

I suppose I could have tried to hide it but eventually as any romantic relationship developed, my significant other would undoubtedly hear me saying "Yes Sir" or "No Sir" or "I love you Daddy" on the phone.......and a new significant other would certainly notice my various spanking implements in my bedroom........and unless he were a disconnected idiot, he would notice the changes in my mood & anxiety levels before a session with my Dom and subsequently notice the balance & catharsis I experience after a session........and if the significant other were out of touch with all of that, he would most certainly notice the marking apparent for a couple days to a week post-session covering my bottom & thighs. 

I think knowing all of this, it made it relatively easy to discuss the D/s topic with my significant other very early in our romance. I didn't want to become emotionally attached or invested in a romance if my partner didn't know of & respect my relationship with my Dom. I think most of the time that the upfront way I approached it made incorporating the two far simpler than if I had tried to hide one from the other & vice versa. 

For each & every couple, I imagine the "right way" to balance the two very different relationships is as unique & complex as the individuals involved. For some, keeping the two separate and hidden from one another is the only option. For those of us who choose to blur the lines of fantasy & reality and be forthcoming with our vanilla partners about our D/s lives & relationships, it is definitely difficult but I think if it is done "right", it is not impossible.


  1. I think you have it! Having the sustainable D/s relationship prior to the vanilla allows the vanilla to decide whether s/he can work with the kink in your life, share you with another. The vanilla has the opportunity to walk away if not. Daddy or any other Dom understands that he cannot fulfill the need to have an ongoing sustainable 'romance', he cannot give you a life lived together because he has given that to someone else. So in fact there is only one person who needs to make a decision, and make it prior to being thoroughly invested in the relationship...the vanilla. Many, arguable most, do it the other way around and that is where the dilemma begins. Many women not finding their 'girl' (the gender used only for argument sake)until later in life..certainly those of us in the 'mature' mix. Sexuality in the gen-Y-er appears much more fluid and allows exploration into kink at an earlier age. Arguably, an older generation may have experimented with same sex and 'plenty'sex, but the fact that kink (BDSM, TTWD) fell into an interpretation with negative connotations and firmly referred to as perverted many, possibly most, did not explore their desires until much later in their life. It hasn't helped that for many years BDSM was viewed as a psychiatric disturbance requiring treatment rather than a healthy sexual outlet or lifestyle.

    My point?...i think you are one of the luckiest women in the world to have found a sustainable relationship with a Dom and then balance it with and accepting vanilla.

    Well done you!

  2. I have a question. In no way is my intention to be offensive, but this is more about my analytical mind and personal journey. If your significant other wanted to partake in another vanilla relationship simultaneously, would it change your viewpoint?

    I stated in my other comment that I have a spouse. I'm working on leaving my spouse as I deserve better. As I've thought about the future, the subject matter of this blog has been in those thoughts. More about the worry that would a time come I need to let go of my D/s relationship to have a vanilla relationship, which can be part of my everyday life or will i just have to be content with Him when time allows us?

  3. Anonymous: I didn't take offense to your comment at all. My D/s relationship is not a sexual one.....we all (Daddy, I & our respective significant others) easily drew that line.....and we respect it. If my significant other had a close, bonding relationship away from our own.....I imagine I would be supportive & simply ask that the line we've drawn in regards to sex be respected. Like I said in my post, I believe it is unrealistic for anyone to expect they'd be able to meet all of the needs of their partner in life. I think we all get a piece of us from our varying relationship dynamics.......I can have a significant other to meet some needs, girlfriends to meet other needs, family for others, my Dom for others.