Repeat Lessons I NEVER Want to Repeat

06/22/2012

"Oh thank God." I said aloud to myself as I pulled into an open parking space. I hadn't seen either of Professor's vehicles, so I must have beat him here. I was running a few minutes late and I know how he hates 'Natalie-time' so I was in a panic as I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, completely expecting to see him here, waiting and less than thrilled. Surprised and relieved to see I had arrived first, I ran in to check in. Hurrying back to my SUV, my phone sounded his ringtone. I glanced at the text he sent, 'Awaiting a room number' and instinctively spun around to scan the parking lot. Still not seeing him, I rolled my eyes and texted back, '139 Sir. Are you here?' I grabbed my bag, placed a key on my windshield for him and went into the room.

I dropped my bag and realized we needed more pillows so I left to go ask for some. Walking back down the hall with pillows in hand my phone rang. It was work so I answered it quickly as I swiped my card in the door to our room. The light turned green and I pushed the door but it stopped.....caught on the security latch from the inside. SHIT! I knew exactly what that meant and it was not good. Professor was in the room.....and I was not. "Get off the phone and wait there until I call you in." His voice came from the other side of the door. My stomach turned, he does not sound happy. I told my co-worker 'goodbye' and quickly turned off my phone, placing it in my pocket and stood outside the door.

Professor said only one word as he swung the door open, "In." His towering frame in the doorway more than intimidating enough. I tried to quiet my panic as I glanced up at him and then just as quickly looked away when I saw the look on his face. I slid past him and into the room, discarding the pillows onto the bed. He shut the door and walked toward me, stopping inches in front of me. I held my breath, started to twist my fingers while keeping my focus on the floor. He sighed audibly and then walked over to the table and sat down before speaking to me.

"What time is it Lynn?" I sighed and responded, "12:10 Sir." He snapped his fingers to get my attention, "Look at me when I am speaking to you young lady." I hesitantly raised my gaze to his. "So, running on Natalie-time this morning. Care to explain yourself?....No wait, let me rephrase that, explain yourself." I blinked several times, trying to gauge the level of his irritation by the look in his eyes. "I could have sped here but I thought you would rather I arrive late and alive." I kick myself, realizing that what I just said sounded a little bit sassy and a lot of ridiculous. He smiled for a moment and then replied, "Ah a debate.....this will be fun. You could have sped to get here or you could have left 5 minutes earlier from your breakfast meeting, right?" I nodded and answered, "Yes Sir." His dark brown eyes narrowing and immediately subduing my stubborn sass. "Care to give me another excuse to pick apart little girl?" I knew better, "No Sir. I'm sorry." He shook his head and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table, his dominant jaw perched atop his fingertips, "You will be. Hand me your list."

The color ran from my face as I tried hard to think....."Um, list Sir?" I questioned. His eyes narrowed again, "I emailed you to bring your list last night. You know I always email you instructions the day before a session. Am I right?" I sighed and lectured myself for being so careless, "Yes Sir, you are right. I worked last night and didn't see the email. Professor, I am sorry, I didn't intentionally forget it. Oh wait, I have a copy of the list from our last session in my truck and I could add the few extra offenses to the back page if you'd like Sir?" I cross my fingers hoping I can redeem myself here. "Go." His reply short as I scurried out to my SUV to grab the list.

I re-enter the room and walk to hand him the list, he shakes his head and points across the room, "Sit at the desk and add the offenses." I grabbed a pen from my purse and sat at the desk. I draw a complete blank on the offenses I have to add. His eyes burning into the back of my head, even without facing the man, his gaze is penetrating. I start to write, quickly before I forget these again. #1: My son knows the F word, #2: Speeding 84 in a 50, #3: Bratty email to Professor. I rise, push the chair back in and slowly drag my feet over to where Professor is seated at the table. I stop directly in front of him and extend my arm, offering him the list, my eyes locked on the floor. "Bring me a pen." His voice building the nervousness in my body. I hand him a pen and again stand in front of him with my hands clasped in front of me. "Go stand in the corner." I hurry off to the corner, thankful to not be facing him for a moment, though I can still feel his eyes on me as I wait.

"I added two offenses to this list. Why don't you tell me what those two are." I stare at the corner of the wall and think for a moment. "I will give you a clue Natalie Lynn. One of them is from an incident this week with you at work, the other is from today." I roll my eyes, knowing he can not see my face, and then respond. "Laughing at my boss and being late today Sir." I hear him rise from where he was sitting. My heart races. I close my eyes to calm myself, when I open them I can see the sun has painted a picture on the wall in the form of shadows. I smile momentarily looking at it.....my shadow pressed to the corner and alongside it is his shadow, tall...confident...his strong arms folded against his chest as he looks on appraising his naughty girl. I can feel his body, literally inches from mine. His hand reaches forward, sweeping my hair back on my shoulder to expose my neck and ear as he leans in to speak. "There are five lessons on the list for today young lady and every single one of them is a lesson you are forcing me to repeat. You do know how I feel about repeating my lessons, don't you?" I can't speak, I simply nod my head yes. "You know very well how I feel about repeating myself, and yet you insist I do it again." He leans in even closer, his face right next to my right ear, I stop breathing. His voice is quiet, silky smooth but incredibly unnerving when he finally speaks into my ear, "Class is now in session Natalie-Lynn." 

"Turn around and look at me." I spin around and look up at Professor. "Lesson number one today is in language arts. What is it your son said to you this week?" I sigh and watch as Professor walks to the table and sits down, flipping the list pages through his hands. "Look at me! What did he say Natalie Lynn?" I quickly return my gaze to his and softly answer, "He said are you f-ing serious." Professor's eyes narrow, his jaw is clenched as he replies. "Say the word." I swallow hard and look at him, pleading with my eyes. He knows I hate to curse around him. "I can't Sir." I whisper. "It is not a request and you will do as you are told little girl. Now, say it." I take a deep breath and barely audibly repeat myself, "He said are you fucking serious." He gestures with his left hand for me to raise my eyes to meet his and I slowly look up and into his eyes. "Again." He says and my heart sinks. "He said are you fucking serious." Professor's eyes holding my green eyes captive as he mouths the word once more, "Again." I repeat it again and continue to beg with my eyes for him to just spank me now and stop making me speak like this in front of him.

"Next, say 'what the fuck did you say'." My mouth had to have dropped open as I stare in disbelief at the word that just came from his mouth. I have heard Professor curse, but very and I do mean VERY rarely and I have not ever heard the F word come from his mouth, he has typed it to me once when we were discussing the term mindfuck. Professor is one of those guys that if and when he swears, you know he means it and hope you are not the one it is directed at. "Professor please...." I plead. "Now." is his reply and I know better than to challenge him again. "What the fuck did you say." I whisper. His eyes still holding mine as he speaks again. "Now say, what the fuck is for dinner." I am dumbfounded, I can not believe he has just said that word again. Then it dawns on me what he is doing and I know he is right.....it shocks and disgusts me to hear it from his mouth and he wants me to see that it disgusts him just as much to hear it from my mouth. "What the fuck is for dinner." I whisper, and cautiously look at him, wondering how long he is going to make me repeat this word in front of him. I HATE it. :(  "Sounds ignorant, doesn't it?" I nod my head yes. "You don't want your son sounding ignorant and it upsets you to hear him speak like that. He heard that language from you, his mother. You don't want to hear it from your child and I will not hear it from mine anymore, do you understand me?" I nod my head and offer a quiet, "Yes Sir." He points back to the corner and I return to face it, thankful that I don't have to curse in front of him anymore.

Professor walks away and pulls a chair to the center of the room and sits in it. "Turn around and get over here." I turn from the corner and my eyes are attracted to his, he holds my gaze as I walk to stand beside him. "Pull your pants to your knees." Keeping my eyes on his, I slowly unbutton and slide down my American Eagle jeans to my knees. His right hand reaches out and encircles my right wrist and he guides me down across his lap. My hair blankets the floor below me and I try to slow my breathing as his hand softly caresses my panty-clad bottom. "Language arts lesson today young lady.....I will not allow you to continue to talk like an ignorant, uneducated and undisciplined brat. You're better than that and so is your son. Erase the word from your vocabulary. Got it?" I shake my head and say, "Yes Sir." 

The talking portion of lesson #1 is over now as he starts to slap my bottom. I gasp as the first volley starts to rain down. It has been 7 weeks since my last spanking and I suppose I forgot how hard Professor can spank. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK   His left hand fell again and again......the right cheek, then the left.....he made sure to pay attention to my sit spots and upper thighs as I fought to stay still across his lap.  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK   He stopped swatting for a moment and I tried to catch my breath. His fingers slid between my cheek and the leg of my hipster panties and he pulled them up, bunching the thin satin material together in the middle and exposing both of my cheeks before beginning his assault again. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK    I wiggled and shifted back and forth trying to somehow avoid the punishing swats. I crossed my ankles and whimpered a bit as I tried to wish the sting away. His right arm wrapped securely around my waist and he really let my bared bottom and thighs have it.  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK   He would swat the same spot a half dozen times or so before moving to the next, alternating sides, focusing dozens of forceful swats on my upper thighs. The burn in my bottom was building and I knew better than to put my hand back to block the spanking so I kept my right hand planted on the floor beneath me and with my left hand I grabbed hold of his ankle and held on tightly as he continued my vocabulary lesson.  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK!!! 

Finally the slapping died down and I lay over his lap, trying to concentrate on my breathing. Professor rested his left hand on the small of my back and gently rubbed his thumb back and forth as he spoke to me. "When you go home, I want you to delete your swear jar file. This is the last time we will be discussing foul language coming from your mouth because you do not speak like that any more. Am I clear?" I whispered a, "Yes Sir" between ragged breaths. He slapped my left cheek incredibly hard....SMACK...."Good. Up and put your nose back in that corner." I slid off his lap and shuffled to the corner with my jeans tangled up at my ankles. 

I stood facing the corner, thankful that the cursing lesson was over and congratulating myself silently that he had not washed my mouth out with soap. I had been worried about that all week long. Even without the soap, he got his point across. Professor is a very persuasive man. :)  His voice startled me and I outwardly jumped when he spoke again. "Come here." I turned to find him again sitting at the table thumbing through the list. I stood in front of him, jeans at my ankles, hands dropped to my sides as is expected, and my green eyes searching his bold, brown eyes. "Lesson number two today Natalie Lynn is mathematics." I fought the urge to giggle at him and began laughing at myself internally at the irony of this session and my own crazy luck in finding my disciplinarian in a real life professor. I suddenly stopped my internal dialogue as I watched Professor's eyes flash and darken as he stared at me, his jaw set and his body language turning to that 'all business' look I am all too familiar with. In that moment, gauging his reaction, I suddenly realized what math he was referring to......my speeding. Gulp!

"What is 84 minus 50?" He asked WAY too quietly. I tried to swallow down the panic rising in my throat as I realized how upset he truly was at me. I whispered, "34 Sir." His eyes seemed to stare right through me and I had an overwhelming sense of regret for my driving. "No. What is 84 minus 50?" I blinked and again answered, "34 Sir." He shook his head at me and repeated himself again, "What is 84 minus 50 Natalie Lynn?" I hesitated, racking my brain, wondering if I was missing something.......I have always been good at math and I was certain I was right......"84 minus 50 is 34 Professor." I stated, trying to sound far more confident than I truly was. He stood up from where he was sitting and walked toward me, his eyes not leaving mine as he approached. "No. 84 minus 50 is dangerous. 84 minus 50 is illegal. 84 minus 50 is reckless. 84 minus 50 is ignorant and most importantly, 84 minus 50 is not acceptable for MY little girl." He stopped right in front of me and stared down into my eyes. I wanted to turn away, his gaze could very easily bring me to tears. I swallowed hard and searching his face for any sign of softening I said, "I am so sorry." His eyes narrowed at my apology and flashed again......anger, irritation, worry, love......I lowered my eyes to escape his gaze but he tucked his left hand under my chin and raised my face to again meet his. He didn't say a word, neither did I.....neither of us had to in that moment.....there was a very involved discussion taking place between the two of us on a level deeper than mere spoken words. 

Professor has incredibly expressive eyes and he uses them well to convey a message without saying a word. I wanted to look away, to wrap my arms around his waist and hug him tightly while I cried my remorse into his chest. I hate when he looks at me like this.....I hate when I *make* him look at me like this. I feel so incredibly small. I looked up at him as he studied my eyes.....his flashing between concern for my safety, relief that I was okay, irritation at having to repeat himself and anger that I had put myself in danger. It seemed an eternity before he spoke again. "84 minus 50 puts MY daughter in danger and I will never overlook that. Stack 3 pillows in the center of the bed and lay over them Natalie." I slowly shuffled to the bed and stacked the pillows and then crawled over them, raising my bottom for what I was sure would be an awful whipping. I placed my face on the backs of my arms and I felt Professor sit on the bed next to me and slide his fingers under the waistband of my panties......then in one quick motion he pulled them down to my knees. He stood up and I braced, awaiting the first swat but it didn't come. I turned to look over my shoulder but didn't see him. Then I heard the sink running in the bathroom and realized he must have had to use the restroom so I laid my face on my arms and waited.

The bed dipped again and Professor was next to me, I stayed still. Then I felt an incredibly warm sensation on my right cheek and immediately after my left. Professor's hands patting warm, wet washcloths onto my bare skin. I sucked in a breath and my mind began to drown in panic. Oh God no......he has not ever spanked me with my bottom wet.....it has been 7 weeks since he spanked me the last time and I am sooooo sensitive right now.....oh my God what have I done. My breathing was ragged and I froze still as I felt him stand again. "84 minus 50?" he questioned. "34 Sir." I somehow answered. Professor reached down and pulled the dripping cloths off my bottom, making sure to drag them down across my thighs as well and then from nowhere what sounded like a shotgun going off! CRACK! I heard it before I felt it, but oh my God did I feel it! An intense sting across my sit spots that was like nothing I have ever felt before. I had no time to brace for the next....CRACK! My entire body jumped. CRACK CRACK CRACK! The next three fell quickly across my thighs, one line leading to the next searing into my thighs. I whimpered out loud.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! I whined and fought to stay still as Professor strapped my wet bottom and thighs with the heavy strap. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK!  I squeezed the blankets in a vice grip and buried my face between my arms, yelling out into the bed each time his strap connected with force on my very sorry bottom. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK!

"Look at me" his voice echoed from my left side. I gazed up through puffy eyes to see Professor kneeling beside the bed, strap rested on his knee as he reached forward with his left hand and stroked my hair. I leaned in to his touch and sniffled. "I will not ever allow you to endanger yourself or those around you. We have discussed speeding before and you told me last time that we wouldn't have to discuss it again. 84 minus 50 is 34 so I am giving you 34 with this strap.......but because I have to repeat myself I really should be giving you more than that." I bit my lower lip to prevent myself from yelling NO at him. He ran his fingers through my hair again and then stood up and patted my head before taking that strap to my bottom again, harder this time. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK!  I sobbed into the blanket and held it tightly. He was determined and he didn't let my whining deter him from what he determined I deserved. Every stinging swat seemed to fall harder than the last. That strap hurts like hell on its own....but applied to a wet bottom.....it was an intensity I have not experienced before. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK!   I crossed my ankles to keep from kicking my legs and whimpered at each swat.

I lay still trying to calm my breathing down when I felt Professor's fingertips tracing the wide welts left by the heavy strap. Even his touch stung. Warm again.......he placed warm, wet washcloths on my bottom again and massaged the skin beneath them for a moment. He stood and announced in his steely, resolved, all-business tone of voice "Now I am going to give you another 34, this time with my belt and you will count them. You will NOT make me REPEAT myself. Do you understand me young lady?" My heart sank and I whimpered again and shook my head yes. He quickly pulled the wet cloths from my bottom and started whipping me with his belt. CRACK  "One Sir."  CRACK  "Two"  CRACK CRACK CRACK!  "Three, four, five Sir." I tried to keep up the counting with his strapping. He would go slow one minute and then fire off 3 or 4 the next. His belt stings through jeans......applied to a bare AND wet bottom......I was a VERY SORRY girl for speeding. CRACK  "six"  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  He applied five to my thighs with a force that left no doubt in my mind as to how upset he truly was at my ignorant behavior. "Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven Sir." I whispered out between ragged breaths. CRACK CRACK  "twelve, thirteen"  I kicked my legs, I couldn't help it.....the sting was so intense. I fought to stay in position but I had to kick my legs. CRACK CRACK CRACK  "fourteen, fifteen, sixteen Sir"  CRACK CRACK  "Professor pleaseeee.....Im sorryyyy." I am usually very stoic when I am punished but I couldn't help myself......I whined and apologized and tried to plead and convince him to stop but I knew better.....he always follows through....always. "Count or we will start again." I resigned myself to my fate and quickly counted, "seventeen, eighteen" He swung his belt down again and again. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  "nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two Sir." I sobbed into the blankets and my kicking legs stilled. I knew I deserved this and even though it hurt like hell to be whipped on a wet bottom, it was kind of comforting to know he cared this much to do whatever he had to do to ensure I did not make him repeat this lesson again. "Last dozen, they are going to be fast and they are going to be hard, you don't have to count them, I will." I shook my head to acknowledge him and he did exactly what he said he would.......those last twelve rained down incredibly fast and what felt to my bottom and thighs like full force swats. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK

I laid limp on the bed and whimpered into the blankets. The bed dipped as Professor sat next to me on the bed again. This time a dry towel was placed on my bottom and he gently dried my aching skin. Then I felt his fingertips and he placed lotion on my bottom and thighs.......then his strong hands rubbed it into the punished skin......mixing between firm kneading, massaging and trailing his fingertips along the lines of the welts. His soft touches combined with the pain from the whipping was an intensity all its own. I slowed my breathing and just laid there enjoying his touch and trying not to think about the fact that I still had 3 more lessons left to get through today.

After a few minutes he rose from the bed and returned to the table and sat down looking at the list. I stayed lying on the bed with my sore bottom raised by the pillows but I tilted my head to the side, my face laying on the backs of my hands while I looked up at Professor. "Social studies is lesson number three Natalie Lynn." I smiled at him, despite the tender state of my bottom, I was finding humor in this string of lessons so lovingly being taught by my favorite educator. :) "Specifically, you're lack of respect for authority and need to constantly challenge it. We have discussed this before as well, every time you challenge authority it weakens that authority. You laughing in your boss' face was disrespectful." I sighed, I knew he was right. "I know she was only doing her job Professor but she didn't have to be such a bitch." I clasped my hand over my mouth as I heard what I said at the same time Professor heard it. I quickly turned my head away from him and buried it back in the blankets, kicking myself for cursing so casually. "Comes out pretty easily, doesn't it? I see your filter is still broken."  WHACK WHACK WHACK  "Owww." I squealed out as his heavy paddle connected with my sore bottom. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  Half a dozen swats firmly fell one right after the next. I kicked my legs and threw my head back gasping for air. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK   I whimpered and squirmed.  "You let me know when you are ready to continue intelligent conversation, young lady." I kept my face in the blankets slowing my breathing for a few minutes before slowly turning to face him again, hesitantly gazing up at him. "I'm sorry Professor." His eyes locking on mine, "I know."

"Enough with the excuses. How could you have handled the situation with your boss better?" He asked. I sighed, "I shouldn't have laughed at her Sir. I could have told her I disagreed and not been a brat about it." He shook his head yes and stoop up, walking toward me. "You're going to get punished for the way you reacted, not for disagreeing, clear?" I nodded yes. "After every swat I want you to repeat, 'If I disagree I can do so intelligently, respectfully and in private'. Clear?" I shook my head again and said, "Yes Sir."

WHACK  "If I disagree I can do so intelligently, respectfully and in private."  WHACK  "If I disagree I can do so intelligently, respectfully and in private."  WHACK  "If I disagree I can do so intelligently, respectfully and in private."  WHACK   "If I disagree I can do so intelligently, respectfully and in private."   WHACK   "If I disagree I can do so intelligently, respectfully and in private."   WHACK   "If I disagree I can do so intelligently, respectfully and in private."  WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  A half dozen swats found their mark on my right sit spot.....then the left   WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  I crossed my ankles to stay still and keep from kicking my legs as he rained down punishing swats with one of our smaller paddles.  WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK   WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK    

After I slowed my breathing, Professor helped me up and had me pull my jeans up and sit down at the table with him so we could open my MCAT scores. :)  This is the exam I took a month ago that all students who want to go to medical school must take. I took it in May and it was an exhausting test.....breaks included I was there near 7 hours....not including my 2 hour commute down and back. In March Professor started getting on me about studying for this exam because I really hadn't been much. I was confident in my writing, verbal reasoning and biological sciences but the physical sciences, specifically the organic chemistry part, was something I needed to study for. Raw scores for this exam are translated to scaled scoring.....for the three parts (biological science, physical science and verbal reasoning) there are 15 points available for each section and then you are given a letter grade for your two writing samples between J (the lowest) and T (the highest)......so a perfect score would be a 45T. I am a perfectionist and a very driven girl when it comes to my academics and profession. I have contemplated going to medical school since I was a teenager but after my undergrad, I took time off to work and be a military wife and with some unwelcome prompting from cervical cancer, had a child. All things happen for a reason and if I hadn't had my son when I did then I wouldn't have ever had him as I lost my husband not quite two years after we had our son.......so all things considered, it was good to put off medical school.......until now. :) I work in medicine now and will always want to continue to practice clinically but I do not just want my MD, I want my PhD as well because I have interests on the research side of medicine too. I know I have the intelligence to attain both my MD & PhD but I can't be happy settling so I had to have an amazing score on my MCAT because I want Harvard, not a second-rate med school. Not at all judging or knocking anyone who studied elsewhere, I just personally have always wanted Harvard. So anyway.....enough rambling......back to the big reveal.

"Hand me the envelope." Professor said as I approached the table with a bottle of water for him and one for myself. I went to my bag and took out the envelope. I have had this envelope in my possession for almost 2 weeks now and have fought the urge to open it because it was so very important for me to open it with Professor because without his motivation, I would not have went ahead with taking the exam right now. The last two years (2 years to this day, June 22nd....is when I technically became a single-mother and no longer had my husband) I have just been living a crazy, fast-paced, emotionally bankrupt life. I worked and took care of my son but aside from that I was losing sight of what I wanted, breaking any rule I stumbled across, partying too much and just honestly being ignorant in the things I was doing. Finding my Professor (I wasn't even looking when I found him) in the beginning of Feb this year, helped to tame a lot of the nonsense behaviors I was partaking in and helped to open my eyes and re-evaluate where I was and where I wanted to be in my life. He motivated me, encouraged me, challenged me and above everything else.....he supported me. He is an absolutely amazing man and he has done so much for me the last 6 months. I could never thank him enough or repay him for the things he has shown me, the unrelenting support he has given me, the encouragement and challenging me to do and be better. That is why I had to wait to be with him to open this envelope......for a girl who is not and never has been patient, waiting these two weeks has been incredibly difficult but as long as I convinced myself that I was waiting *for* Professor, I could wait. :) 

I walked back across the room and extended my arm to his waiting hand and gave him the envelope. He opened it and scanned the page, then looked up at me and asked, "How do you think you did Natalie? Honestly?" I scanned his face, looking for a clue as to my score. My perfectly-strict, wonderfully demanding Disciplinarian is also a sadist....lol....so the look on his face gave *nothing* away. I looked into his dark eyes, hoping for an idea there.....still nothing. He could sense what I was doing and I know he was enjoying watching me squirm....lol. "Honestly, how do you think you did?" I thought back to the test and tried to silence the panic and doubt in my cluttered little mind. "Well, I know from the AAMC site that there has not been a perfect 45T score this year so I know I wanted perfect but did not get perfect. Average is high 20's, good is low 30's and amazing is anything higher than a 35 or 36. So....umm......I will guess mid-30's Sir?" I replied almost questioning rather than stating. He smiled at me and glanced back at the paper in his hand as I continued to squirm under his gaze. "You didn't get mid-30's Natalie." My heart sunk and my stomach knotted up and I was dreading his next words because I *have* to have a score in the mid to high 30's to be accepted to HMS. I started nervously chewing my bottom lip and cracking my knuckles. He looked at me for a moment before addressing me again and I again searched his eyes for any fleeting clue or hint as to my score. "How is a 40R? Will Harvard take a 40R?" He asked with a smile. My head popped up and I looked at him in disbelief, my jaw dropping open. "Really?" I asked. He shook his head and smiled at me as he handed me the paper so I could see it for myself. I smiled and jumped up and ran right into his arms, wrapping my arms around his waist and hugging him tightly. His arm draped across my shoulder pulling me in for a hug before holding me at arms length and saying, "I am very proud of you Natalie Lynn." I absolutely   l-o-v-e-d that. 

After talking for a few more minutes and thoroughly reading the paper and discussing the admissions process to HMS, the home I am working on purchasing, my son's 4th birthday (tomorrow....6/23)......he folded the paper and placed it back in the envelope. My eyes didn't leave his and I sat and quietly watched the transformation in his eyes, body language, facial expressions, etc as he switched from happy & proud father back to the resolved, strict disciplinarian determined to teach his girl a lesson. I again started to chew the corner of my bottom lip nervously. He placed the envelope on the table and looked at me. I held his gaze momentarily and then in a subtle offering of my submission to him, I stood in front of him with my hands down at my sides and lowered my eyes from his. 

"Lesson number four today is in study skills, specifically time management young lady. Take your pants down to your knees and stand facing the wall over there." He said as he pointed. "Yes Sir." I offered and quickly walked toward the wall and lowered my jeans again. "I want your hands flat on the wall and your feet a shoulder width apart with your bottom pushed out. If you move from that position, we will begin again. Am I clear Natalie Lynn?" I slowly positioned myself as he had instructed and said, "Yes Sir." He paced behind me, lecturing again about time management, excuses for being late, being considerate of others, etc. I listened and I knew he was right.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK   "Damn it" I mumbled before I realized what I was saying as I shifted from foot to foot trying to escape the burning in my bottom from the heavy paddle he has. "What?" His voice was quiet......too quiet......that is what alerted me to what I had said. I scolded myself in my head for letting my mouth slip yet again with him. "What did you just say little girl?" I froze still and stopped breathing as he spoke literally inches from my ear in his quiet but angry all-business tone of voice. I know he asked me a question but I couldn't answer him. I was so angry with myself that I had said it and I couldn't bring myself to say it again. "I heard what you said young lady. I had planned to only give you 10 swats, one for every minute you kept me waiting. But now, since you want to curse when I am paddling you, now I will give you 20 hard swats. Would you like to curse again and make it 30? I can do this all day little girl." I shook my head no and concentrated on staying in position and keeping my mouth shut. 

I hung my head as he paddled me hard and fast with his heaviest paddle on my extremely tender bottom and thighs.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK   I whimpered out as he kept connecting. My bottom was so sore from the whipping on my wet bottom that every swat from the paddle seemed unbearable. I bit my lip so I wouldn't cry out or curse again.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK   I threw my head back and gasped for air as the last of the paddle swats landed low on my thighs. I stood facing the wall, my head hung for several minutes. I knew Professor was watching me fight to remain still and in position until he gave me permission to move. I could not see him but I knew he was sitting at the table watching me struggle to behave. I dropped my left hand back and slowly rubbed my throbbing bottom. "Put your hand back on the wall now Natalie Lynn." I sighed and stomped my foot but returned my hand to the wall as directed. "I know it hurts, it is supposed to hurt. Do not rub it young lady." I hung my head and replied, "Yes Sir." 

After what seemed like forever I felt him close to me again. His strong hand sweeping my long, red hair back off of my shoulder to again expose my ear to him. "Time to begin lesson number five young lady. Turn around."  I slowly spun around and was staring at his broad chest. He tilted my head to look down into my emerald eyes. "Lesson number five is also a repeat of a lesson I have taught you before. However, apparently I did not spank you hard enough the last time I taught you this lesson young lady because you are making me repeat myself again. This lesson is in the Principal's office because it is a lesson in your communication with the Principal, me."  I again started to chew my lip, my stomach in knots as I remembered the only other time I have been in trouble for how I spoke to him. I *never* wanted to repeat that lesson again. It was my last session, in the beginning of May and I had sent him an extremely disrespectful email which he made me read to him as he whipped me with our rubber looped strap and it hurt sooooo bad. My mind in a panic, praying he doesn't use that damn thing today after the spanking, paddling, strapping & belt whipping on a wet bottom I don't think I could remain still or quiet if he whipped me with that rubber strap today. I look up at him and again our eyes begin their own communication. His dark brown eyes are set, firm, resolved, intent on teaching a lesson......my puffy emerald green eyes are apologetic and silently pleading for leniency. 

His left hand comes out from behind his back and in it is his heavy paddle. My stomach turns again.....oh that thing hurts so bad.....but I try to reassure myself that at least it isn't the rubber strap. "It is a very fine line we walk between business and pleasure. We are friends and we enjoy one another's company and can have fun together Natalie Lynn, but there is a line that has been drawn and you know where that line is and what happens if you choose to cross it. You chose to send me that bratty email knowing it would get a reaction from me. You have to keep your guard up and use your filters when speaking to authority figures young lady and that includes me. You choosing to send me a message saying you will misbehave and being sassy about it is disrespectful and I will not tolerate that from my little girl. Clear?" I lowered my eyes, he had me and I knew it.......the second he mentioned that what I said could even hint at disrespect toward him.......I wont ever argue or try to excuse anything he perceives as a lack of respect from me......I respect him immensely and never want him to feel as if I have disrespected him and if he does then I will immediately submit to whatever punishment he deems appropriate so I can pay for it and be forgiven. "Yes Sir. I'm sorry if I offended you Professor." He tucks his hand under my chin and raises my eyes to his again, "I know you are sorry but you are going to be punished and then I know you will work harder so it doesn't happen again." I nod my head and he takes my wrist in his hand and leads me to the chair.

He sits down and takes me across his knee again. He doesn't lecture again, he knows he doesn't have to......say the word 'disrespect' is what he felt from something I did or said and I would beg him to spank me. I crossed my ankles to keep my legs still, knowing how much this paddle hurts. He placed his right hand on the small of my back and with his left he began to swing down that paddle again and again on my bottom and thighs. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK    Finally after several dozen punishing swats, the paddling stopped. I lay completely spent across his lap as he ran his fingertips lightly across my properly punished cheeks. He rubbed firmly and then would trace with his fingertips again.......light touches mixed with more firm kneading......it always dips my mind into a very overwhelming subspace and I love it. 

After a few minutes of just being contently draped across his capable lap, he finally had me stand up and pull my jeans back up. We sat again at the table and spent time discussing the lessons learned and how I would make sure they did not need repeating. Then discussed our kids, work, life, etc like we always do. :)  I really kind of like our routine. :)  When he finally had to go, I stood and he pulled me in for one more hug. My bottom was incredibly sore but my heart incredibly light and my mind on over drive contemplating what the next several years of medical school and my residency will be like........and smiled thinking how much closer the house I am buying is to my Disciplinarian.......I wont have to drive 4 hours to meet him for lunch and a spanking now....lol. :) 

Choking on Sprite....lol

Yeah....no fun.....and I do not ever recommend it! Way too much carbonation in the nose....yuck.

Now.....what happened to make me choke on my Sprite? Glad you asked......here it goes. :)

I went out to dinner with friends last night to catch up and get some adult time. My girlfriend Leann from work had invited her Top to join us. Cute, right? Well he is actually a pretty cool guy so we didn't mind at all. Anyway, in the middle of some political rant, Leann cursed. It was pretty obvious that she was getting heated and annoyed with our co-worker Jeff who is a little too far to the right for Leann's liking. (FYI....this is why you should NOT discuss politics at work!).

Her dinner date and coincidentally, her Disciplinarian, Chris gave her a look. She continued. The next time she swore, he glared at her and added, "Leann, watch your mouth." I have no idea what she was thinking....perhaps she was possessed.....she snapped back at him, "Oh shut the f&ck up!"

The Sprite I was drinking at the moment, decided not to go down my throat but rather up into my nose.

Everyone at the table just sort of froze, looking from her to him and from him to her. The silence was deafening. Finally she said, "My bad" and the conversation started up again like this had not even happened.

I was dumbfounded. I can not even begin to imagine what the reaction from a certain perfectly strict, spank-happy Disciplinarian would be if his red-headed angel had said the same thing to him. In public or not, I can promise you he would not even consider taking "my bad" as atonement. OMG!

I am very rarely rendered speechless......I know, I know, you so cant believe that.....lol. This little exchange left me speechless. I had to have looked like a deer in headlights. I am not even sure who I was more shocked at to be perfectly honest with you. Her for saying something so outright disrespectful to him, or him for seeming to brush it off without even an apology.

I suppose their dynamic is FAR different from mine & Professor's. I would NEVER and I do very sincerely mean N-E-V-E-R say something like that in front of my Disciplinarian......let alone direct it at him. And really, the reason I wouldn't dare talk to him like that isn't even really because of what his reaction might be.....well, maybe a little bit....honestly, I wouldn't ever speak like that to him because I respect him far too much to be so vulgar and blatantly disrespectful toward him. I just couldn't do it......in public, in private, on the phone, sending up smoke signals....lol.....I could not do it.

Triggers

Anytime I have a session with Professor slowly sneaking up on me, I think.....a lot.

Sometimes I am thinking about what I did wrong.....sometimes I am thinking through what I think the session will be......sometimes I am thinking about his reactions.

Today, after catching up on some blogs of friends and returning emails to friends in the kink, I am thinking about triggers. Those little subtle (or not so subtle) buttons that seem to enhance a scene, pull at something deeper and ultimately intensify the entire experience.

I would say I am not a simple girl......not in this part of my life or any other. I have a complex list of triggers within the kink and thinking today, I realized that I do not believe I ever sent the 'list' to Professor. Even if I haven't specifically spelled it out for him, Professor has an uncanny ability to push these buttons every single time. Even thinking back to our first session.....the man pushed my buttons.....and I loved it.

Intuitive? Perhaps.  Perfect? I think so.  :)

I will share three of my biggest triggers.........

Authority.......definitely a trigger for me......not surprising since I am a spanko with a discipline core. Ah but add the typical complexity that is me....lol....I tend to defy most all authority.....and actually have for most of my life. But when it comes to my template of a perfect Spanker (synonymous with Dom, Top, etc....take your pick).....it is not enough for me that he is authoritative......he has to be authority. Not an equal......I could not begin to take discipline seriously from an equal.

Ownership......HUGE. The possessive terms of endearment, especially in scene or tied into a lecture, get me every time. "My" little girl, brat, daughter, etc......take your pick, fill in the blank....if it is possessive, I love it. I have many friends in the kink and have gone to social engagements with them but I am not the kind of girl who finds fun in allowing multiple men to spank me. Not my thing. I want ONE....only one and I have to be *His*. Respect is huge for me and I do not give it to anyone......it is earned and if I do not respect you as a person, I could never allow you to discipline me. I actually got an email a few days ago from a guy that said:

"It sounds like you can take quite a spanking, I like that. Does your Prof allow you to play with others?"

I still have not replied to the email.....wanted to, but haven't. Yes, of course I can take quite a spanking.....I am a spanko and possibly a masochist (depending on who you ask...lol). As for being 'allowed to play with others'......play as in bar hopping with my girlfriends? Yes, all the time as long as I behave. :) Okay, okay I know what he is asking......Professor has never told me I am not allowed to be spanked by others, but he does not have to. I don't need a rule or mandate to tell me it would not be okay (with Him or me). I have no interest at all in being spanked by anyone but *my* Dom. What we do, though it does have some play qualities to it, is not a game. We have a real relationship and are working on real issues to help me improve in my real life. That kind of work requires a foundation built on trust and compatibility; that does not happen over night. I have one Disciplinarian and do not need and/or want another.....not even for play. My Professor is capable enough to manage my discipline and still play with me. :)

Control........I make decisions all day long in my real life and never shy away from the task; but it is so very freeing to have some place with a certain some one where I do not have to bother with it. I have one choice to make......surrender the control.....simple enough. At times, I could be a brat and refuse to exchange that power just to watch the determined gaze in Professor's eyes gauge the challenge, and then take the control just because he can......but that is an entirely different topic. :)  The control trigger for me is far more than him controlling me and/or my behavior......it is equally as intoxicating to watch his self control. Professor is a very disciplined man. He easily controls every detail of a scene and I love that. But, unlike some Doms I have seen, he is very very disciplined. He does not yell at me.....hasn't ever, and Lord knows I have given him plenty of reasons to. He will raise his voice to emphasize a point or get my attention but has never yelled at me. He completely understands that the volume of his voice is nowhere near as important as the tone and the context of what he is saying to me. I am a bit of a control freak in my day to day life......and at times that has gotten me into trouble with Professor because I have attempted to keep some sort of control in a session.....and failed miserably......he notices e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g and calls me on it.

Those are the three biggest triggers that I care to elaborate on at the moment.....lol. I have several more small, seemingly trivial acts, phrases, etc that I list as triggers. It is a complex mix but it all comes down to the detail, those subtle little nuances, the connection......if your partner knows or finds your triggers.....you are a lucky spankee. :)

What's a Girl to Do?

If you read my post yesterday, you know I was in a naughty mood and feeling a bit defiant. Well you all aren't the only people who find out when I am in such a mood. I am an honest girl so always forewarn my Professor via email so he isn't surprised.

He replied to my email last night and to my "don't really think I care to behave today. Okee dokee? Good." statement he responded & ended his email to me with: "you're a very silly girl, Natalie Lynn. Bring the implements on Friday."

WTF? Huh? Silly? Wow.....I reread it to make sure I saw that correctly. Let's just say it was not the reaction I expected. I then had to figure out what he meant by 'silly.' Hmmmm........silly for telling him of premeditated misbehavior? Silly for being defiant just days before seeing him? Silly like if you really think you'll get away with it go ahead and try it. I think it is probably a combination of all of the above. Then him adding my first & middle name.....that does not belong in the same sentence with the word 'silly.' **rolls my eyes**  Then of course he had to mention implements.......so now that 'silly' comment might just be a warning in disguise. Hmmm.

Professor really knows how to screw with a girls' head. And I'll have to admit, he also got what he wanted even if his approach shocked me......I was too busy contemplating his 'silly' comment to misbehave.

I'll Do What I Want....So There

Ever get in a mood like that?

Yep, I woke up in one today. Should really find out where to buy one of those t-shirts that has a huge yield sign on it & says: Caution I Say Stupid Things. Lol.

I know I am seeing Professor this coming weekend and I know I am going to be punished for a few ignorant lapses in judgement. And just in case I happen to forget that I am in trouble......that man keeps reminding me. **rolls my eyes**  Funny.....he doesn't even have to say it to me......even reading it in text, knowing he typed it is enough to knot my stomach.

You would think my upcoming session would keep me relatively well behaved, right? Suppose I am complex. Some times knowing I am in trouble and going to be seeing Professor soon is more than enough to keep me behaving like an angel. Other times.....like now.....it has almost made me feel defiant. Like a 'who cares?' or 'if I am going to get spanked, I'll damn sure make it worth it.' Neither of those moods will get me far and I know it, but just can't knock it off.

I know, I know......stupid girl, are you crazy? Nope, not crazy.....just in a mood. A dont-really-care-to-behave-and-let's-see-how-far-Professor's-patience-stretches  mood. And even knowing this mood wont end well for me if I act on it.......well that hasn't seemed to change my naughty lil mind either.

So now let's just hope my defiance doesn't dig me a deeper hole......oh and I should probably find a way to get rid of this defiant mood before I am standing in front of Professor on Friday. I am quite certain his opinion of my deliberate defiance toward him has not changed.

Damn, damn, damn.......I have got to have a good girl in me somewhere!

What A Read

Wow.......well after a week, I have finished the trilogy of books in the 50 Shades series. I will say it was an interesting read. The sex was great....I can totally understand why it has been labeled 'mommy porn.' Lol.

However, after reading through it, I think my Professor may be right. Not even certain why I am surprised by that, he typically is right about things. :) When we discussed the trilogy he said he planned to download it to his Kindle but hadn't yet because typically anytime an author writes about the topic (DD, D/s, BDSM, etc) they make it seem as if we are all so very abnormal. Because Lord knows to the rest of the world, we have to have some sort of explanation for this thing we do. **rolls my eyes** Again, Professor was right......poor Christian Grey had quite the issues and a pretty screwed past. This trilogy was clearly written by a vanilla author who truly has no idea or understanding of what we do or who we are. Basically, the mainstream media-enhanced version of what they expect we are.

I'd love to see someone who knows what they are talking about perhaps, write about the kink. Is it just safer for vanilla people to assume that 'we' all come from some sort of tragic start, live screwed up lives, have insane relationships, etc? Can they just not wrap their little minds around NORMAL people engaging in this kink? I wont go as far as to call myself 'normal', but I think I could be convincing. I haven't had an exactly ideal life but I'd like to think I'm not all too focused on my past when it isn't something I can change.

I find it vaguely amusing that so many people have preconceived notions of who we are, what we do, what we are like, etc. Most of 'us' are extremely normal people. I have several friends who enjoy this kink, some lifestylers and others not so much, but more so casually. Doctors, attorneys, police officers.....my personal favorite of course.....Professors :)  We are normal people and you likely wouldn't pick us out of a crowd. We have normal lives, families, careers. We aren't some insane bunch of half-human misfits. Surprisingly enough, some of us have quite normal and unremarkable pasts.....no dramatic screw-up to point to as the source of our interest in this kink. It is just what we do people.......is this truly so hard to understand? Do we honestly have to be portrayed as so socially non-functional? **rolls my eyes**


It is exasperating. It is as if those who don't participate in this kink, assume we are all so deviant. And then there are the feminists who are almost insulted by the thought of a woman wanting to be spanked and/or dominated. This part....I can totally explain. :) A woman being attracted to a dominant man is natural. Historically men are providers, protectors, strong, unwavering......a woman traditionally is a nurturer, a lover, a helper. Yes, we have come pretty far from the 1950's.....I get that and actually enjoy being an equal to strong men in my day to day professional life......but, inside.....I am drawn to dominance.......mostly to test it, but for one man, to submit to it. Is it really so difficult to believe that it pleases me to please Professor? If the historical argument wasn't clear enough, I can also break this down into very basic, blunt anatomical facts.........a man thrusts, a woman receives. That help clear it up? :)

Perhaps they will never 'get it.' Perhaps we should write about them and their crazy, abnormal vanilla boringness? Yes, I know....that is not a word......well, now it is. (Put the red pen away Professor.....you can not grade my blog :)  ).

Other thoughts on the trilogy.........I am guessing if I were involved in a high speed car chase, Professor would kill me if I survived it; I couldn't go more than like 60mph with him in the car with me....lol....he had to tell me to speed up......so no chance in hell I'd engage in a car chase with him in the vehicle. Oh and if I were to tell him what he could or could not spank me with or how many swats was acceptable......lmao.....I imagine he might laugh but then he would have no problem 'reminding' me which of us makes the decisions regarding discipline (or anything else really) in our relationship. The whole running off to a confrontation with an idiot with a handgun in my jeans.........yep, nope.......might consider it if I were really pissed off but no way in hell would I do it........Professor was pissed enough when I slapped someone, I would not care to explain my shooting someone to him.....lol. Okay......off to bed.......good night Blogger.

How Does He Do This???

OMG! Ughhh. I swear to God my Professor is psychic. How does he do this? How does he know when I am not exactly behaving? I just don't get it! And I am either surrounded by his spies or the man is incredibly intuitive. The last two days or so I have been a bit edgy....testing limits just because I can and not really paying much attention to behaving. Then today I get an IM from Professor saying he is traveling again......which always seems to make me feel brave and fearless.

Then I got a call.......surprise, surprise......guess who? I clarified that my Yahoo IM status message that said "blah blah blah Im tuning you out, so don't waste your breath" was NOT directed at him.....lol. I may think it at times but I am not ignorant enough to say it or put it in text where he could see it. So after the quick, "Hi" and "How are you" pleasantries he says, "Do you have something you want to tell me?" HOW DOES HE DO THAT??? It caught me by surprise and I think I even stuttered, trying to think of something to say.....which of course only told him that he was on the right track. I pretended to not hear his question and tried to change the subject to which he said, "I asked you a question." So I said, "Why do you ask Sir?" I know he hates repeating himself and he isn't fond of my answering questions with questions either but I couldn't help it.

"Stop beating around the bush and answer me Natalie Lynn." I sighed, and sulked in my SUV.....he had me and I knew it. "I don't have anything I want to tell you Sir.....but I do have something that I do not want to tell you." I filled him in on my latest offense......speeding......84mph......and unfortunately for me, Professor and I have discussed my speeding many times before, so this will be a repeat offense.......which sucks. I swear his voice lowered an octave when he replied, "You are in trouble." Pretty simple and straight forward response huh? Suppose the lecture really isn't needed at this point with this particular offense; I could likely recite it verbatim for him.

Kind of mad at myself for it too.......I haven't been speeding for months now.......then Poof, one minute of not paying attention and Bam.....speeding again. Oh and let's not forget to mention that this speeding incident that happened yesterday, took place just 24hrs after I was involved in a car accident. Yeah, Professor honed in on that as well. I attempted to blame my whiplash induced migraine.......which was pretty stupid; I am not allowed to make excuses for my behavior. Damn damn damn.

So we are tentatively scheduling a session next week. On one hand I am excited because I haven't seen my Professor in what feels like forever.......and I love being with him......and I will finally know what my MCAT scores are since I told him that he is opening this envelope....lol. But, now on the other hand, I was already going to be in trouble for my use of the 'F' word slipping back into my daily routine, often enough that my 4 year old son has picked it up which is sooooo not okay. But now, I am also going to be punished for speeding........and my last speeding punishment wasn't exactly a session I wanted a repeat performance of. **Sighs**  But from now until next week.........I have to figure this out.......HOW DOES HE DO THAT??? How does he know before I even say something that I have done something wrong? Is it in my tone of voice? Does he employ herds of spies in New England? Perhaps NH, VT & MA state police have him on speed dial to inform of my traffic tickets? Is he psychic? Does he call a psychic? I just dont get it!!!!

Just Enough Rope to Hang Myself

Funny thing happens when I know my Professor is away.....I get a little too brave. Okay, maybe a lot too brave. I start to feel a bit more untouchable.....kind of disconnected......a lot more careless in my behavior. Then of course add the fact that I haven't been spanked in more than six weeks and it is a recipe for disaster.

You think rational brain would kick in at some point to remind my naughty self that he ALWAYS comes back.....and he ALWAYS finds out what I have been up to......and he ALWAYS spanks the naughty right out of me. But, no, of course I couldn't be that simple. I have to push the envelope......and make full use of the extra distance between my Professor and my bottom.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.........and the brat too brave for her own damn good.

Can Limits Be Liberating?

So last week in one of my posts (Demanding VS Mirco-managing) I made the statement that being restricted can feel freeing. A few people sent me messages about that statement....two agreeing and one person asking me to explain more what I meant. Then today, catching up on blogs I read, I saw another blogger questioning limits, freedom, choices, etc within a DD, D/s relationship and the question she asked really provoked a lot of thought.

"How much freedom is too much freedom?"

I'm not certain there is one uniform answer to that question....no blanket, cover-all policy. I think the answer depends on the relationship, your dynamic, the two people involved in the relationship, your history, wants, needs, expectations, etc. So many factors to consider in order to answer that question; and the answer is likely as unique as your relationship itself.

For Professor & I, for our relationship....here are my thoughts.

I do believe that there is such a thing as 'too much freedom' or 'too much control' or 'too much power'.....choose your wording, in this instance with this topic, I think it is all synonymous and YES it is very possible to have 'too much.'

With me, I am a very independent and driven girl.....both professionally and socially. I like to do what I want to do, when I planned to do it, how I want to do it and have very little tolerance for anyone or anything interrupting what I want. Sounds selfish, I know. I prefer to say I am impulsive and impatient. Not exactly appealing attributes, I know I know. Growing up, I was always told, "Natalie, patience is a virtue." To which I would reply, "Yes, patience is a virtue.....just not a virtue Natalie was blessed with."  :)  If things do not go how I want them to go, I get pissed off fast. I can overreact to small things and turn them into a huge issue and/or fight if I am not careful.

Aside from my impatience and impulse decision-making.....I am also horrible at setting any sort of limits for myself. Whether that is spending money, drinking, going out with friends on work nights, etc. Delaying self gratification is something I have uniformly failed at throughout my life.....lol. And I was perfectly fine with all of this........except when I wasn't. It always feels good in the moment to do what I want, when I want, how I want, etc but then later on, when recalling the situation, I would often feel guilty or stupid or angry at myself.

I would go out with friends and get mind-numbingly drunk, dance, laugh, have a great time, somehow by the grace of God make it home safely and lull into an intoxicated slumber. Waking up the next day I would get so furious with myself for the night before for drinking too much, racking up a $250 bar tab, fighting with people, etc. It upset me when I was thinking rationally but it wasn't enough to make me stop doing it.......give me two weeks and I would repeat the same thing over again. Then I would feel frustrated that I couldn't stop doing ignorant things like this by rationalizing with myself. For a girl who has always been able to set and achieve a goal.......it was insanely irritating. The issue.......when it came to my academic or professional life, I was self-disciplined. However, when it came to my personal or social life, I had NO self discipline, I could not tell myself "NO" and stick to it.

Then, I found my outside motivator. Someone who could and absolutely would say "NO....enough is enough." My Professor can be very persuasive when attempting to convince a girl that she now has limits and consequences if she chooses to ignore those limits. I have said many times that Professor has not given me many rules at all, but I do have some limits/rules that he expects me to follow for my own good.

One of the most challenging for me was when, after reviewing and discussing my heart medication with me, he set a drinking restriction for me. He does allow me to drink, but I am not allowed more than 2 drinks when I go out and I am not ever allowed to drink a Long Island Iced Tea again because of the insane alcohol content in that one drink. That happened to be my favorite drink and that rule really sort of sucked and still sort of sucks but as soon as I start feeling sorry for myself because I am forbidden to drink them, I remember the reason Professor told me he was setting the rule....."I want you safe."  Just recalling his face and his tone of voice when he said that to me, that is typically enough to end my sulking......and if it is not and I am still tempted to order one, I remember the punishment I got for deliberately disobeying him and ordering one a week after he set that rule.....that is MORE than enough to change my mind. The "Only 2 drinks" is the most challenging now. I usually want to have more when I am out, especially when my friends are drinking more. At times my girlfriends will ask or just order me another drink and I will tell them, "Nope, I have had two. I can't have any more." The closest of my friends know exactly WHY I can't and they also know WHO has set that limit for me, so they will occasionally tease me or give me a hard time for it but I have not yet given in even though it is hard. If I had the freedom, control or power to choose how much I was to drink, I would be right back to how I was last year, way to much!

When I think of the limits or rules or restrictions I have from Professor, sometimes I think I might have too much freedom in some areas. Don't get me wrong, Professor is very demanding in the behavior and conduct he expects from his girl, but he is not a micro managing Dominant who needs to write out lengthy lists of rules for me. He knows that I am fully aware of what he expects from me and I am to meet those expectations, regardless of whether or not it is specifically listed on a set of rules. Kind of a spirit of the law versus the letter of the law thing. It works well for us I think. But sometimes, I still think I may have a little too much freedom.....but then again, if Professor decided to take that excess freedom & control from me and inundate me with more rules, limits, etc I might complain that I didn't have enough freedom then.....lol. I am complex I guess. It feels almost like dropping an anchor when he insists I do or do not do something. It takes away my need to analyze certain decisions, takes away my control to decide myself.....I do not need to if he has decided for me. It is a really secure and almost freeing feeling to submit that control completely to the man I trust to lead me, to look out for me, to help guide me and help me to be the best girl I can be.

For me......limits and restrictions can be very liberating. What about the rest of you?

Miracles DO Exist :)

Quick update to my earlier post.......I am NOT in trouble! Hooray!  **sticks my tongue out at all of you**  Want to know why? Well, obviously ladies.......it's because my Professor is perfect. :)

He called me tonight.....after 8pm which is rare for him.....that was one of the first warnings he gave me....."I am not a late night man"......yeah, so when the phone sputtered out his ringtone at 815pm, I thought he was hurt or had some sort of life-altering issue so I grabbed my phone and accidentally sent him to voicemail. I quickly dialed him but as it rang the third time, I laughed because I knew he couldn't figure out how to answer call waiting......his lapses in technological advances amuses me to no end.....especially given, he is the most intelligent Uber Geek I know......well suppose I'm prejudiced because he is MY Dr Uber Geek......but he is damn smart. :)

I waited a few minutes and called him back, then gave him a little grief for not knowing how to answer his own phone....lol. He even laughed with me. :) Love that. As our conversation progressed, I tried to slip in quickly & quietly that I'd gotten pulled over. He already knew.....and said he had responded via email, but I hadn't seen it. 'Uh oh'......I think his voice lowered an octave.....**pouts**  He asked me his typical Professor interrogation questions, I answered and he said if I wasn't dangerous and I was polite to the jerk....er uh, I mean officer, who stopped me......then I was not in trouble. The verdict was in my favor! :) 

He asked if I thought I should be in trouble......like I am going to say 'yes'.....lol.....actually he has asked me that before and I have answered him 'yes' when I honestly thought I should be.....he has got me wrapped and he knows it. Kind of makes me smile because I know he knows it and he knows I know it too. :) Follow that???

I smiled and thanked him and could have hugged him through the phone......well until I realized Dr Technology-Retarded was talking to me on his cell phone while he was driving and he said he didn't know where he was. Yep, that set me off. I am just as protective of him as he is of me and him doing something that even makes me think he might be endangered irritates me and is a sure fire way to get me topping from the bottom......which he hates. He is not some tiny shrimp of a guy.....he is tall, has broad shoulders, strong arms, an intense stare.....and I am more than confident in his abilities to protect himself if he needed to.......but I'd rather not be the reason he 'needed to'. I could just see us talking mindlessly for a half hour and having him end up in the not so nice, west-side of Boston. I said the man is intelligent......and I promise he is......but, something tells me my Professor does not speak fluent 'Ghetto-nese'.....yep, don't want him lost......I kind of plan to keep him.

Oh.....and the miracle in this entire thing...........he called to tell me I was NOT in trouble BEFORE I decided to cause hell and make sure I truly 'earned' the spanking I was sure I'd get. Hooray! Now, I'm quite content to be back in focus, behaving like a good girl and in that oh so submissive subspace that man's voice puts me into......L-O-V-E IT!  :)

I HATE My GPS....Grrrr

Okee dokee.....I've done it......I've broken my good girl streak. I got pulled over yesterday on my way back to the hospital.

Now now.....I know what you are all thinking......NO it was NOT for speeding. I was actually kind of sort of excited that I wasn't stopped for speeding......is it wrong to say I was proud? Yeah, probably. Anyway, here is my story and you all are lucky enough to hear it before Professor (he is away right now and we have had limited contact)......I'm hoping his 'break' sends him back in a good mood.....well, at least forgiving. Okay okay, a girl can dream......back to yesterday.

There is construction on I89....as always....but it is bad along my typical route so I had to go around. Only I could get lost in such a small town.....lol. In the city, I always know where I am, out here in the mountains I am lost in 10 minutes. So my lovely smart phone has a helpful little GPS and I turned it on to help me out.

GPS was doing a great job until it told me to take a right.......which would have been into the Connecticut River so I did not take the right. Perhaps GPS was confused? Maybe it is a smart GPS and knew my destination was a hospital......driving off the bridge would certainly get me there......just not as uninjured as I was aiming for.

A block later it told me to make a U Turn which I did. Then The red and blue lights were right behind me. Crap! Yep, panic started and I hoped he didn't say I was going too fast......Professor has no tolerance for me crossing that boundary. Ughhh. It never even occurred to me that the U-Turn was the cause until the officer pointed it out. "But wait....my GPS told me to"..........Officer Zero-Humor did not care what GPS said.....he at least could have ticketed Google for its App being an accomplice to the crime, right? Ughhh. Written warning in hand, I decided to throw GPS in the floor.

So now, I'm certain Professor will have about the same opinion as the cop who stopped me. I can almost hear his lecture already and he is not going to care at all that GPS told me to do it. IF he even believe it did, which I swear the damn thing did.......I can hear that deep, penetrating voice scolding me and saying something like, "And if the GPS told you to jump off a bridge Natalie Lynn, would you do it?" 'Gee....how ironic you ask Sir, no I absolutely would not jump off a bridge and when GPS directed me to drive off a bridge, I didn't do that either Sir.' LMAO. I am laughing about that already......I have to get it out now, he really does not like my giggling at a lecture.

Damn this GPS........completely ruined a month of good behavior.......grrrrrrr. Well, if I am going to get spanked, perhaps I should misbehave a lot and make it really worth it??? Who votes 'yes' and who votes 'no'? LOL!

BTW......my girlfriend Jackie has decided that GPS truly stands for "Gets Princess Spanked".......cute, right? NOT! I have my own ideas......but it has nothing to do with spanking......well, unless Professor reads this post and doesn't care for my idea....lol.....Gadget Phucking Sucks!  :)

Demanding VS Micromanaging

I have confused a few people in recent posts when I made the statement that my Professor is very demanding but not a micro manager.......I suppose to most people, those two are synonymous but to me, there are distinct differences. So now, I feel obligated to explain those differences.

Demanding but not a micro manager.....what do I mean by that? Professor is very demanding as a Disciplinarian. He does not set many rules, but those he does set can easily apply to everything I could possibly do and/or say. He is not a softy, not a push over. He is reasonable and will listen to my defense of my actions, but will not be overly tolerant if my 'reasoning' is ridiculous, irrational or immature. Oh and those sweet little helpful tools for naughty girls called 'excuses'......yeah, forget about that. He will stop me the second I start to make an excuse, and honestly I really like that. Professor will call me on my sass, confrontational spats, overly combative attitude, lack of respect. Whining, apologizing, pouting.....not only will it not help me out of trouble, it will end up getting me into more trouble if I try it.

My having a bad day, being irritated, PMS, work issues, hungover, blah blah blah.......can not use any of it to justify my behavior. Oh and telling him something is hard to do........that only gets me a "more difficult means you work harder at it" lecture. I can not out-smart this man......and I really kind of like that too. :)

Oh and our location, current surroundings, other people, etc do not deter him from disciplining me either. He has scolded me in a hotel stairwell with housekeeping feet away, listening to the two of us. Other people's actions will also not be acceptable reasoning for my reacting.....which I hate...lol. It is so easy to say I was provoked......well until I found a Disciplinarian who wouldn't allow me to blame my behavior on other people's behavior. After a two hour session, we went for drinks on the islands and on our way back this car cut us off and I instinctively made a not so nice gesture. OMG.....you would have thought I killed someone. Lol. He actually startled me when he barked, "Did you just gesture at that driver little girl?" My heart sank as I shook my head to confirm what he had suspected. I knew he saw them cut us off and told him "they started it", hoping it would weasel me out of any looming trouble. I mean really......my bottom was soooooo sore. "Stop it. Other people may drive like idiots Natalie Lynn; but I will not allow my daughter to add her road rage to make it worse." I stopped while I was ahead and just prayed his arm was too tired to spank me when we returned and applauded myself in my own head for appearing contrite rather than defensive, to escape irritating him enough to make me pull over and getting spanked on the side of the highway.

Micro managers are a bit OCD if you ask me. :)  Professor knows the few rules he has given me are all encompassing so he doesn't bother with small, irritating rules like 'be home by midnight' or 'no going out on a week night'. I suppose if he wanted to set rules like that, I would follow them just the same because what he wants and what pleases him is what I strive for. But I'm glad he doesn't and glad he knows he doesn't have to. He has a very firm grasp on me and my behavior at all times and the second I know I have fallen short of his expectations, I regret it and start to compose an email to him to let him know what I've done, minus the excuses.

One of my girlfriends has a micro manager that has so much free time he even decides what she wears. Wow. What man in the world has that much free time and/or a woman's fashion sense......I'll never understand it. Thankfully, Professor probably could not care less about whether or not I wear capris on Tuesday....lol. He does prefer my hair down and he did tell me I could not chop it off. I think I complained a little bit just to be a brat and provoke a more firm "No"....lol.....but I actually loved it when he said that. And, I always have my hair down when we are together. :)

Hope this rambling helps to explain what I mean by Professor is demanding but not a micro manager. And I really kind of like it. :) I am definitely an independent girl but honestly, I feel most free when I am restricted. Limitations lovingly set can feel extremely liberating. Demanding authority can irritate me in some forms......but for a spanko girl with a discipline core, it is an intense trigger. And when I found that in Professor it made me feel small, safe, secure, protected, at times challenged, cared for. You can not set expectations high for someone you do not care about. Yep, I am definitely glad my Disciplinarian is demanding. I've said for a very long time, 'It takes a very special man to make me weak in the knees when I am about to be draped across his.'