Sunday, June 10, 2012
Can Limits Be Liberating?
So last week in one of my posts (Demanding VS Mirco-managing) I made the statement that being restricted can feel freeing. A few people sent me messages about that statement....two agreeing and one person asking me to explain more what I meant. Then today, catching up on blogs I read, I saw another blogger questioning limits, freedom, choices, etc within a DD, D/s relationship and the question she asked really provoked a lot of thought.
"How much freedom is too much freedom?"
I'm not certain there is one uniform answer to that question....no blanket, cover-all policy. I think the answer depends on the relationship, your dynamic, the two people involved in the relationship, your history, wants, needs, expectations, etc. So many factors to consider in order to answer that question; and the answer is likely as unique as your relationship itself.
For Professor & I, for our relationship....here are my thoughts.
I do believe that there is such a thing as 'too much freedom' or 'too much control' or 'too much power'.....choose your wording, in this instance with this topic, I think it is all synonymous and YES it is very possible to have 'too much.'
With me, I am a very independent and driven girl.....both professionally and socially. I like to do what I want to do, when I planned to do it, how I want to do it and have very little tolerance for anyone or anything interrupting what I want. Sounds selfish, I know. I prefer to say I am impulsive and impatient. Not exactly appealing attributes, I know I know. Growing up, I was always told, "Natalie, patience is a virtue." To which I would reply, "Yes, patience is a virtue.....just not a virtue Natalie was blessed with." :) If things do not go how I want them to go, I get pissed off fast. I can overreact to small things and turn them into a huge issue and/or fight if I am not careful.
Aside from my impatience and impulse decision-making.....I am also horrible at setting any sort of limits for myself. Whether that is spending money, drinking, going out with friends on work nights, etc. Delaying self gratification is something I have uniformly failed at throughout my life.....lol. And I was perfectly fine with all of this........except when I wasn't. It always feels good in the moment to do what I want, when I want, how I want, etc but then later on, when recalling the situation, I would often feel guilty or stupid or angry at myself.
I would go out with friends and get mind-numbingly drunk, dance, laugh, have a great time, somehow by the grace of God make it home safely and lull into an intoxicated slumber. Waking up the next day I would get so furious with myself for the night before for drinking too much, racking up a $250 bar tab, fighting with people, etc. It upset me when I was thinking rationally but it wasn't enough to make me stop doing it.......give me two weeks and I would repeat the same thing over again. Then I would feel frustrated that I couldn't stop doing ignorant things like this by rationalizing with myself. For a girl who has always been able to set and achieve a goal.......it was insanely irritating. The issue.......when it came to my academic or professional life, I was self-disciplined. However, when it came to my personal or social life, I had NO self discipline, I could not tell myself "NO" and stick to it.
Then, I found my outside motivator. Someone who could and absolutely would say "NO....enough is enough." My Professor can be very persuasive when attempting to convince a girl that she now has limits and consequences if she chooses to ignore those limits. I have said many times that Professor has not given me many rules at all, but I do have some limits/rules that he expects me to follow for my own good.
One of the most challenging for me was when, after reviewing and discussing my heart medication with me, he set a drinking restriction for me. He does allow me to drink, but I am not allowed more than 2 drinks when I go out and I am not ever allowed to drink a Long Island Iced Tea again because of the insane alcohol content in that one drink. That happened to be my favorite drink and that rule really sort of sucked and still sort of sucks but as soon as I start feeling sorry for myself because I am forbidden to drink them, I remember the reason Professor told me he was setting the rule....."I want you safe." Just recalling his face and his tone of voice when he said that to me, that is typically enough to end my sulking......and if it is not and I am still tempted to order one, I remember the punishment I got for deliberately disobeying him and ordering one a week after he set that rule.....that is MORE than enough to change my mind. The "Only 2 drinks" is the most challenging now. I usually want to have more when I am out, especially when my friends are drinking more. At times my girlfriends will ask or just order me another drink and I will tell them, "Nope, I have had two. I can't have any more." The closest of my friends know exactly WHY I can't and they also know WHO has set that limit for me, so they will occasionally tease me or give me a hard time for it but I have not yet given in even though it is hard. If I had the freedom, control or power to choose how much I was to drink, I would be right back to how I was last year, way to much!
When I think of the limits or rules or restrictions I have from Professor, sometimes I think I might have too much freedom in some areas. Don't get me wrong, Professor is very demanding in the behavior and conduct he expects from his girl, but he is not a micro managing Dominant who needs to write out lengthy lists of rules for me. He knows that I am fully aware of what he expects from me and I am to meet those expectations, regardless of whether or not it is specifically listed on a set of rules. Kind of a spirit of the law versus the letter of the law thing. It works well for us I think. But sometimes, I still think I may have a little too much freedom.....but then again, if Professor decided to take that excess freedom & control from me and inundate me with more rules, limits, etc I might complain that I didn't have enough freedom then.....lol. I am complex I guess. It feels almost like dropping an anchor when he insists I do or do not do something. It takes away my need to analyze certain decisions, takes away my control to decide myself.....I do not need to if he has decided for me. It is a really secure and almost freeing feeling to submit that control completely to the man I trust to lead me, to look out for me, to help guide me and help me to be the best girl I can be.
For me......limits and restrictions can be very liberating. What about the rest of you?