Talking with another spanko friend today about an interaction she had recently with a *very* vanilla pal of hers, has really got me thinking. And now my thinking has me writing. :) I'm certain that surprises no one here......as my talking typically does lead to thinking and analyzing which then morphs into writing and rambling. You've been forewarned.....enjoy!
Her vanilla pal has recently found out about her spanko-ness and the pal over-analyzing as she often does, now has my fellow-spanko girl over-analyzing too. So she thought I would be the one to ask for advice! LOL! Laughable, I know......who in their right mind seeks out an over-analyzer to solve an over-analytical debate? The irony just about slays me.
The central focus of the vanillas' questioning seems to be: "What is wrong with you?" Because there certainly has to be something 'wrong' with a person who would allow themselves to be, or dare I say WANT to be spanked. I suppose early on I entertained those questions as well and thought a great deal about what was 'wrong' with me. I drove myself half insane wondering how I ended up being a spanko......because at that point in my young life, I truly *did* care what mainstream society 'expected.' When intellectually pondering it, it made no sense to me. What I saw and read of a 'submissive' woman was not at all the girl I was. I wasn't weak.....I wasn't some sort of mentally broken human being......I wasn't co-dependent. I couldn't reconcile the strong, independent girl I was with my need or desire to be dominated, spanked, controlled. I actually just recently figured out why that was. Professor cleared it up for me when we discussed the 'Fifty Shades' trilogy.....what I had seen depicted of D/s was the mainstream take on it......and as with most things depicted by the mainstream, it was far from accurate. If only I'd met Professor years ago and heard this perfectly rational explanation, it would have saved me precious sanity. :)
I know I am a strong woman who actually enjoys being an equal, or even better a challenge, to men in most aspects of my life. I thrive on being the type A personality......the girl always willing to debate or compete in my profession with men twice my age with far more initials after their names than mine......and when my brazen willingness to challenge them does not intimidate them, but they listen and begin to see me as their equal......well then I have won. :) 'Submissive' would likely not be a character trait applied to me by most of the people in my life; but again, I think that is part of the dynamic in these relationships. I can't speak for another person, but I can imagine it wouldn't mean a lot to a man to have won the trust and earned the respect of a weak woman. It is not hard to dominate the weak......it is not an accomplishment to attain submission surrendered without prerequisite. I imagine the goal for a dominant man is to capture the submission of a woman who does not 'have to' but rather, chooses to surrender it. Earning my trust, respect and ultimately my submission was as much a challenge for my Disciplinarian as it was for me to allow myself to trust.....I do nothing the easy way. :) When I was abrasive, he did not waver. When I pushed, he pushed back. I am strong, he is stronger. As soon as I was able to stop trying to intellectually understand it, that is when I could accept it because I had long known that it was what I needed.
Now I prefer to think of it as 'what is *RIGHT* with me'......it seems to me like we (spankos) have got quite a bit figured out. I know some 'normal' people who relieve stress in crazy, self-destructive way.....i.e. alcoholics. I have a positive outlet for stress that does not negatively impact my life and or family. I am sure Professor will be pleased to hear that he is my distorted version of therapy. Lol. I say that half-jokingly......the man truly *is* an amazingly therapeutic release and constant source of advice. Aside from the stress management, behavioral tweaking and positive effects on a relationship.......I think it is also worth mentioning that those of us in the kink who dare to cross the line from fantasy to reality, are typically secure in who we are as people. Does the kink define me? Not at all.....but it is a part of who I am as a person and I don't have to ascribe to the 'what's wrong with me' theory to be okay with this part of myself. I think each of us are faced with questions about who and what we are........but I truly believe that the journey taken in search of those answers is more important than the answer itself. And if you ever really find that elusive answer, it likely wont matter near as much as you initially thought it might.....but the journey, experiences & relationships will have written on the pages of who you are and that is what matters. Another Professor-ism?.....'Life is about experiences.' :)
Wondering and worrying 'what is wrong with you?' can take a lot of time and energy......and will likely leave you with a dissatisfying answer, if any at all. Honestly, though I can not yet physiologically prove it, I think we were born this way. It is in our DNA. There is nothing 'wrong' with us. Don't drive yourself insane with introspection in search of a mystery ailment. It doesn't have to be complex. I actually kind of really love the primal elegance of its simplicity.