Like An Iceberg.....

I am writing this post for a fellow-spanko girlfriend of mine. She emailed me asking me to call her today and the subject line was: URGENT.....so I called her right away.

She did something......

Stupid.....

wait, that doesn't quite cover it......

Dangerous?

Ignorant?

All of the above, really. The problem is what she is doing now and what her line of questioning to me was. She wanted my advice and said she couldn't solicit advice from others via her blog because her Top reads it.

That should give you all a pretty darn good idea of what her next issue is.......

She hasn't told her Top. She says she does 'want' to tell him but then again, she doesn't. She is scared. She has convinced herself that maybe if she does things the right way, then maybe her Top would never have to know about this. Even asking me to get legal advice from attorney friends of mine on just how she can keep this quiet......it is NOT good. She says though she has never lied to him, perhaps this isn't lying if she is only omitting?? I listened to her concerns and was a sounding board of sorts for a good half hour.

Finally......she stopped venting and began asking......

She asked me if I had done the same thing, would I hide it from Professor.

I thought about that question for like 3 minutes......I'm a visual learner and thus a visual thinker......I can NOT imagine having done this in the first place, but if I had......would I be able to tell Him? Thinking about this for a few minutes......I completely understand her worry and the fear. Not even so much a fear of the consequences......more of a fear of the unknown. What would his reaction be? What would he think? What would he say? Could I screw up bad enough that he would throw in the towel? I totally understand how those could be serious fears in this situation.

And so I thought.........

And then I thought some more.........

And now, I am answering her.

No, I would not hide this from Professor. As worried as I was and as seemingly catastrophic as the offense is....I would not 'omit' the transgression and hide it from my Disciplinarian. Would I be afraid to tell him? Without a doubt, yes. He would be beyond furious......and worse than that, he would be undoubtedly disappointed in me. But I would tell him.

The trouble with 'omitting' as you put it, is that it is still dishonesty. I do not at all need to explain the importance of honesty in any relationship.....but especially a disciplinary relationship. You chose to be accountable to him and you promised to be honest......while the original offense is really bad.....lying about it is only going to make it worse, honey.

You will feel awful the longer you keep it from him. And you often have to tell additional lies to cover up the first offense you chose to omit. It would be an iceberg of issues because eventually, it would surface.

When it did surface, all of the additional junk that is lying beneath the waterline would make this far bigger than the original offense ever would have been. You would have lied to him. It may appear that you didn't trust him with the truth and thus hid it from him. It may make him question what else you have kept from him. It would at the very least, damage the trust that is the foundation of your relationship in the first place.

I know you are scared......I would be too. I don't suggest telling him about this via email as you'd contemplated because it will drive you crazy waiting for his reply, wondering if he had read it and was ignoring you, etc. Not to mention, as much as it is going to suck, having to tell him should be difficult....you shouldn't be able to spout it off in text to avoid his reaction.

You asked for my advice; here it is: I can't tell you what to do or what is best for your relationship, but I can unequivocally say that lying to him is the worst thing you can do right now. I am validating your concerns and your emotions.....I get it.....I would be terrified to have to admit to something like this to my Disciplinarian. But bottom line is you respect him and you trust him to do what is best for you.....he can't do his job if you are not honest with him. Personally, if I had to confess to this offense, I would tell Professor in person.....or at the very least, by phone. Don't email this to him.

Understand that as emotional as it will be for you, he is going to have a reaction as well. Expect that you aren't going to like his reaction......he is not going to scoop you up in a hug and tell you he is proud of you. He may need time to think about things or calm down before he discusses this with you.....that is okay, and actually as much as waiting sucks.....it would likely be better if he did take some time to process this.

You guys have a great relationship, I've known you both for years......you trust him.....so tell him. Soon. The longer you wait, the worse it will be.

The tip of this iceberg is going to be more than enough to deal with......don't allow your fear to make that chunk of ice beneath the waters surface so big that it consumes you.