Disrespectful Lil Brat

Yep....that's me....a disrespectful lil brat! Or at least that's how I have been acting lately.

If you read my last post, then you got a good preview of my sassy behavior.....and how bad I felt after speaking so disrespectfully toward Professor last weekend when he was scolding me via phone about my bad behavior during the last week of his absence. I had argued with him, whined, laughed at him, tried to negotiate consequences, then just flat out threatened to ignore him and do what I wanted to do anyway. Ughhh. I hate even typing it. I truly felt horrible.

I respect Professor tremendously. He is an amazing man and he does so much for me. He earned my respect very early on and apparently last week I forgot that he deserves to be shown that respect in every interaction.....particularly when he is doing his job as my Disciplinarian and calling me on my poor behavior. I was so mad at myself and I emailed him apologizing for how I had spoken to him. He told me to add it to my Punishment List for a 'discussion' in the near future. I apologized again by phone on Monday this week. He said he knew I was sorry.....but would make sure I had more reason to be sorry when he got his hands on me. That's not ever good in this relationship....statements like that turn my stomach. My Professor isn't one for idle threats.....he prefers to make heart-felt promises (or bottom-felt promises, depending on which side of this relationship you are examining). 

So I added the disrespect to my list, along with the repeat offenses of the traffic stop. I still felt pretty crumby for how I'd interacted with Professor. I know better. And I have never blatantly been disrespectful toward him.....never one time. I would have never laughed in his face if he had been scolding me in person.....I wouldn't have argued......I wouldn't have whined.....and unless I had a death wish, I sure as hell wouldn't have told him I'd do what I wanted to and ignore his instructions. So why then did I do it by phone??? Just thinking about it made me feel worse and that along with other life drama had me in quite a mood by Tuesday.

Surely with how bad I felt for being so disrespectful toward Professor on Saturday, I sure wouldn't be dumb enough to do it again.....right? I wish I could say I didn't do it again.....but I can't. :(  Tuesday afternoon Professor & I were discussing me planning to go out that evening with friends.....Professor consented if I agreed to follow 2 tiny little instructions.....I was still in a pissy mood and I emailed back just one word.....one stupid stinking word.....

"Why?"

Yep, lost my ever loving mind and only days after being so disrespectful, I managed to do it again. Intentionally let my mood run my mouth and questioned him. He replied telling me I know better than to question him, he had been more than reasonable in his 2 requests and since I obviously still thought his authority was questionable then I had now earned myself a night home to think about how out of control I was. Yep, well I didn't like that much either so I replied and told him how much I disliked it.....in a less sweet & more sassy fashion. 

Even through email, he interpreted my tone spot on absolutely correctly. He had me. This is way out of character for me.....like WAY OUT OF CHARACTER. I have not *ever* been disrespectful to him consciously.....and now I had done it TWICE in just 4 days! He was surprised and irritated at my audacity to question him when I was already in serious trouble and he was being lenient enough to allow me to go out. 

He called to figure out what had happened to his respectful, obedient daughter in his 3 week absence and to straighten out the impostor running my mouth. 

BIG problem.....I didn't know he was calling. In fact, I was waiting for a call from my realtor, who happens to have the same area code. I was driving and glanced quickly at my phone, saw the area code and answered short & snappy, "Yep? What?" Silence on the other end briefly.....I imagine that rendered him momentarily speechless.....very momentarily. 

"Excuse me? Is that how you answer the phone to me now? Three weeks away and I come back to this from you? You felt so bad for being a disrespectful brat to me this weekend and now just days later you give me attitude in email, question me and now answer the phone with attitude as well? What has gotten into you?"  His voice was dripping with irritation and hinting at anger. 

"I...uh...I didn't know it was you. I'm sorry, Professor." I meekly mumbled into the phone. My stomach knotting. "Uh huh. It doesn't matter young lady. Your mouth in email was more than enough. I don't know what has gotten into you but I promise you I am going to find out and whip it out of you. You don't question me! You don't talk back to me! You're grounded, do *not* go out tonight. You are to stay home and think about your behavior and why you now think it is okay to disrespect me and why you are so out of control. Something is going on with you and I want to know what it is. I am not going to tolerate this defiance from you, young lady. Do you hear me?" 

I just wanted to cry. I knew he was right. Something was wrong with me. This isn't how I interact with him. What am I thinking? I feel like shit for doing it, so why did I do it again? I don't understand and I hate it as much as he does. I whispered a barely audible, "Yes Sir. I'm sorry." 

I knew I'd be seeing him for lunch on Thursday and though I wouldn't be getting spanked, he had promised me that I had a nice, long lecture to look forward to during lunch. I couldn't wait to see him but I was certain I wouldn't care to see the look on his face or hear his tone of voice giving me a very public scolding in the restaurant we were to meet at. 

The next day, Wednesday I missed a call from Professor and when I checked my voicemail, my heart jumped into my throat. We had a change of plan and things were altered. Because we had both reserved the afternoon, he decided with the third partys cancellation that he and I would now devote the entire afternoon to my discipline that I was apparently sorely lacking and to the serious punishment session I had more than earned myself over the last week. My mouth went dry, my heart threatened to burst out of my rib cage, I was in full panic mode. 

I knew I was in for a severe spanking but I had thought I'd have at least another week to prepare and now I was being told it would happen in less than 24 hours. I called him back and mentioned needing more time to form my defense......which he found less than amusing and pointed out in his seriously strict tone that a 'defense' is equivalent to an EXCUSE and he has taught me better than that. I sulked. He told me to print out my Punishment List, bring ALL of our implements and cancel lunch......we would meet at 12:30p for punishment first....no friendly lunch, no catch-up chat....nope, none of that.....all business. 

I am always nervous before being punished but this seemed to be overwhelming. I couldn't sleep Wednesday night. I emailed Professor, I apologized more....not that I expected it to help me get a lighter sentence, but I hoped he knew it was sincere because I hated the fact that I had disrespected him twice in a row. He didn't reply. He always replies.....nothing. Now I was beyond nervous......I was scared. I am never scared.......but now, I am really scared.  :(  

Why did I do this to myself??? What was I thinking??? What is wrong with me??? What has gotten into me??? Why?? Why??? Why?? Why???  :(