Sunday, August 19, 2012
I'm In BIG Trouble
Professor is home safely from his 3 week family vacation. I missed him so much while he was gone and hearing his voice yesterday seemed to push my 'Reset' button and I feel anchored again. Unfortunately, because of my behavior, it wasn't the pleasant, casual conversation I had planned the last 3 weeks. I felt incredibly special when Professor moved his schedule around the week before he left for vacation so we could get together for a session. He is a very busy man and he made sure to find a way for us to see each other before he left. So I had a completely clean slate upon his departure and I told myself that I was going to work really hard to make sure that I behaved in his absence so when he came home, I wouldn't be in any trouble and he would be proud of me for behaving as he expects me to. Sounds ideal, right? Yep, I thought so.....and I worked really hard to be a good girl while he was away.....and I *almost* succeeded.
Actually, until mid-week this past week I had done a pretty darn good job of behaving myself. I had two small offenses that I had to add to my Punishment List, but neither were intentional naughtiness and compared to some things, these were pretty mild offenses. So while I may not have accomplished 'perfect' behavior, I had still been a good girl for Professor while he was MIA.
Then Wednesday night happened. A girlfriend and I got pulled over for a minor traffic offense. I didn't care for the cops attitude so I became sassy and disrespectful. My friend did as well and we continued to feed off of one another, upping the ante throughout the traffic stop just to annoy the police officer we felt was a jerk. Once again, my "shut up Natalie" button was defective.....I completely ignored that voice in my head telling me to behave myself and do what I know is right. It felt much better in the moment to get that little thrill from defying authority and being clever and witty. So I knew I had to confess to Professor and I knew I'd likely get in trouble for the traffic offense AND my attitude toward the cop.
We spoke by phone last night and I explained the situation. He wasn't pleased and told me I'd be punished for my poor judgement. Then he told me I was grounded.....but that conflicted with my social life because I already had plans to go out last night with friends.....so I argued with Professor. He lectured me about how I spoke to the cop, and I laughed about it. He scolded me for my driving, and I made excuses. He refused my request for leniency so I whined and pleaded. He got fed up and told me to "knock it off".....and I snapped, "FINE!" Then later last night, I emailed Professor and whined some more, tried to negotiate consequences, argued some more and ended the email saying I might just go out anyway and do what I want to do regardless of being grounded......essentially threatening to deliberately disobey him.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! What is wrong with me?? It was bad enough that the traffic stop added 2 *repeat* offenses to my list and would surely get me a harsh punishment. Then I had to lose my mind completely in interacting with Professor in regards to it???
Professor was only gone 3 weeks and it is as if I have lost my mind in that 3 weeks. I know at times I felt disconnected and I really missed him and craved his control......but he went out of his way to see me prior to departing, he kept in contact throughout his vacation, he gave me 'connecting activities' when I asked for them because I needed to feel his control, and he made his expectations for my behavior in his absence *crystal clear* before he left. He did everything he could to help me through his absence and for some reason, I seem to still have forgotten everything he has ever taught me. I just don't understand what is wrong with me, this makes no sense. 3 weeks is a relatively short span of time. How could I have allowed that to initiate the thought in my lil mind that I am in charge now???
I *never* make excuses.....but I did. I *never* talk back to Professor.....but I did. I *never* laugh when he scolds me.....but I did. I *never* blame other people and dodge responsibility for my actions.....but I did. I *never* whine.....but I did. I *never* try to negotiate consequences.....but I did.
And probably the offense the upsets me the most......I have *never* contemplated deliberately disobeying Professor just to get my own way.....NEVER! Why would I ever consider doing it seriously enough to weigh pros and cons?? It is as if I saw this punishment as optional! Which it clearly was/is not. And then to take it a step further and actually taunt my Disciplinarian via email threatening to deliberately disobey him just to do what I wanted to do regardless of his instructions??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
This in *not* okay. I am so angry with myself. I know better than to do any of this. Now, in addition to the two small offenses & the three offenses related to the traffic stop.....I now have to add *several* other entries for the way in which I communicated with Professor about the whole mess. It is as if I let 3 weeks of disconnection creep into my lil mind and convince myself that I am the one in control of our relationship now. I just don't understand. It is as if the geographical distance made me feel as if there was an emotional distance as well, and I allowed that to manipulate my behavior. I hadn't gotten to speak to Professor in weeks and the first chance I get to talk to him, I go completely off the wall whining, laughing, arguing, back talking, negotiating, etc. I'm so mad at myself.
And my contemplating and threatening to deliberately disobey Professor grounding me.....absolutely unacceptable. That is just so disrespectful to him for me to challenge his authority over me. Punishment is *supposed* to be unpleasant.....it is not supposed to align perfectly with my wants & social life.....it is used as a deterrent to prevent repeat bad behavior. And it is NOT my place to decide on or negotiate punishments with Professor. He has the control, not me......and I guess I forgot that last night.
So now I am grounded.....and I'm mad at myself for being so disrespectful toward Professor.....and he has promised me a very lengthy & harsh punishment spanking when he next sees me for my behavior, and because the traffic stop related offenses are *all* REPEAT lessons, he has assured me that I can anticipate three intense lessons (speeding, swearing, defying authority) and thorough spankings for each that will be escalated in severity due to them being multiple repeats. I'm going to be practically sick with worry over how he will escalate the severity of these 3 lessons in particular.....any time I make him repeat himself to me, he escalates the punishment for not learning my lesson the last time. My last lesson for swearing had me upended across his lap with a sudsy bar of soap in my mouth while he paddled my bare bottom with our bathbrush. :( My last speeding lesson was a WET strapping with both our heavy strap & his belt and since it was a repeat he gave me TWICE the amount of swats (my speeding was 34mph over the limit....he doubled that and gave me 68). :( My last defying authority lesson got me a bare bottom paddling with his heavy school paddle AND strapped with our rubber loop strap. :( Just thinking about each of those last lessons makes me cringe......and now because of my ignorant behavior, I have earned myself an even more severe punishment spanking for each of those offenses.....though how he will escalate the severity is anyone's guess because I think those were pretty horrible spankings in and of themselves. :(
And after the repeat lesson spankings, I *still* get to look forward to him addressing my behavior toward him and my threatening to disobey him. :( I suppose at least that wont be a repeat lesson.....I've not ever been stupid enough to do it before. However.....I personally feel that these offenses are worse than everything else I did combined......I am *never* okay with disrespect toward Professor......never. He has earned and deserves my respect.......and by being disrespectful, I let him down and I let myself down too. I just feel horrible for doing it and I don't understand why I did it but it doesn't matter *why*.....it is not ever acceptable! I KNOW BETTER! I'm so mad at myself and I feel horribly guilty for the way I behaved. :( I wish I were there; I'd probably *beg* him to spank me now for this. Ughhh.
I misbehaved in Professor's absence.....and I was *way* out of line in how I responded to him disciplining me for it. I'm nervous about the punishment(s) I have earned for myself......but more than anything else, I feel so guilty for what I've done and I know I deserve any punishment that Professor chooses to administer.