Sitting here tonight, after a long and stressful day, my mind wandered back to my hour long phone call 2 days ago with Professor. This isn't an uncommon practice for me.....when I have had a bad day, feel unbalanced, am overly stressed out, anxious or nervous about something, etc I will often think of Professor.
His voice calms me almost immediately. I've actually saved several of the voicemails he has left me for this exact reason. Obviously ideally when I am upset, I can call him and he 'talks me down'....but when a phone call isn't likely due to time, schedules, etc I can go back and listen to a voicemail he has left so I can hear that deep, steady voice and it calms me sufficiently until I can talk to him about whatever the current issue is.
So, this evening, since Professor is still gone on his family vacation, I can't just call him.....but he called me 2 days ago and we spoke for more than an hour. It was our first and so far, only phone call during his vacation that will last 3 weeks. So feeling stressed out, my mind drifted to our recent phone call and I began to feel a little less upset. Strange how his voice or even just the thought of him can reassure me and decrease my stress level, right? Weird as it may be, it works for me and I love that. :)
Back to tonight.....I was thinking of Professor & I's conversation the other day and beginning to feel a little less worked up......BUT......after a nice, relaxing 5 minutes or so of thought, the bottom fell out from underneath me!
OMG.......what have I done?
How could I have done this? I am *so* screwed! Professor is going to punish me good for this one....he just doesn't know it yet! Or maybe he does know and is waiting to see how long it will take me to remember and confess??? This is really screwing with my head now.
Last week, a few days after Professor's 3 week vacation began, I was feeling really disconnected and unanchored. I didn't realize just how quickly it would set in but I felt it almost immediately. Just knowing there was more distance between my Disciplinarian and I made me almost panicky when I contemplated 3 whole weeks without regular calls or visits. I blogged about it and also emailed Professor. In that email, after explaining how I was feeling without him, I asked him to give me some sort of new rules or assignment to do in his absence because I needed to feel his control over me. He replied and gave me exactly what I had asked for.
First, a rule to obey that coming weekend....I followed it flawlessly. Good girl :)
Second, a two part assignment.
Part #1 was to go through my Punishment List completely and make any updates, fill in any missing columns, and generally clean it all up. I *did* complete that task.
Part #2 Professor directed me to write an essay for him, after updating my Punishment List, regarding any behavioral patterns or lesson patterns I found within the list. I complained a little bit on my blog about this assignment.....mocking myself for being stupid enough to ask my Dom for additional control or 'connecting activities' when my Dom is a real life Professor...lol.
Here in lies the BIG problem.....he required that essay be submitted to him by Wednesday August 8th, 2012. That was YESTERDAY! My bright green eyes are now the size of saucers, my bottom lip permanently stuck out in a horribly guilty pout and my little heart is rapidly thumping against my rib cage and all I can think about is how Professor's strong left hand or our oak bath brush is going to be rapidly thumping on my bare bottom as I lie upended across his lap! :(
What do I do? What do I do? :( I've thoroughly scanned his faculty website, hoping to find his policy for late assignments......no such luck! And the unknown is what is so nerve-racking.
I didn't exactly 'forget'.......I just sort of forgot. :( That is not going to go over well with Professor. I can't just FORGET to obey him.......especially when I ASKED FOR IT! What the hell was I thinking? I guess I could try to hurry up and compose something decent enough to be accepted.....but that wouldn't be good enough.....Professor has seen my writing, and I know he expects my best effort. I could maybe try to write the essay really well tonight and sneak it into his inbox so he sees it tomorrow morning and just hope he forgets the due date he required? Maybe I should email him and make up some excuse of being too busy or preoccupied for the last week and say I'll write it by the weekend if he will grant me an extension? Yeah, that wont work.....you have to ask for an extension PRIOR to the due date. Maybe I should confess to forgetting and apologize while sending an amazing essay and hope he feels overly forgiving?
Ughhh.....I just don't know what I should do. He has an excellent memory, so even though he hasn't sent an email or IM mentioning the late assignment, I am sure he hasn't forgotten. He is probably waiting to see how long it will take me to realize what I've done and correct it by sending the completed essay and apologetically inquiring as to what my well-deserved punishment will be for this lapse in judgement. **sighs**
This sucks......if I would have kept my damn mouth shut in the first place then I wouldn't have even been given this assignment. And when I did ask for control and received exactly what I requested, I should have completed the task! What the hell was I thinking? That's just IT.....I wasn't thinking. And now, I had to go and throw away perfect behavior in his absence because I couldn't set a darn reminder on my smart phone or something and get that essay submitted on time! Grrrrr.
Now I am stressed and mad at myself and worried about the trouble I've just gotten myself into.....AND I need to get my ass moving and write my essay. But what do I do when I submit it? Just send it and keep my mouth shut......if it is a big deal to him then he will bring it up, and if he doesn't mention it then I should keep quiet and thank my lucky stars he was too preoccupied to notice??? Or do I submit the assignment along with an apology for it's less than punctual arrival and BEG Professor to please NOT classify this offense as my AGAIN using 'Natalie-Time'??? Oh crap....what if he ascribes to the theory: "Chronic lateness is a statement of how little regard you have for other people's time and shows a lack of respect or consideration." YIKES! :( This could end SOOOO badly for me and my forgetful, naughty bottom. :(
HELP Girls........what do I do????? :(
I'd confess and apologize when you submit the assignment. I've found that Steve prefers when I tell him myself rather than wait to see if he notices. It shows I'm taking responsibility for my actions. While I usually still end up in trouble, the punishment is less than I would have received if I tried to slip something by him.
ReplyDeleteYes, you screwed up. It's not that big a deal in the scheme of things, though. I don't mean that to be in any way disrespectful to the Professor, please understand that. But put it in proportion - you missed a deadline for an essay, you didn't forget a patient who was bleeding to death in the ER waiting room. Not all screw-ups are created equal, you know?
ReplyDeleteYou know better than to lie. An omission is a lie in a sense, too. Adults admit their mistakes, learn from them, and accept the results. I think it would be better to tell the Professor what you have done, then show him that you have a plan to keep it from happening again, like making a note of assignments as soon as they are given.
You also must know better than to try to tell him how to classify this, don't you? I mean, I do, so come on.
Now you listen to me - you only have control over yourself. So stop letting your imagination think up a thousand different ways this could end up. Sit down and write. Compose an apology. If you have a GOOD excuse, say so. Otherwise, just admit it, think of a way to keep it from happening again, and tell him so.
Then focus on all the things you haven't done wrong. Speeding? Nope. Text while driving? Nope? Forgetting meds? Nope. If you really respect him, you should be remembering that HE doesn't think all mistakes are created equal, either. Remember his reaction to your U turn? I don't know how he will react. I must say that in my experience, forgiveness is much more likely if you just admit you erred, take responsibility, then apologize than if you try to wiggle out of it. STOP MAKING YOURSELF NUTS!
Here's a hug {{{{}}}} because I really do like you a bunch and want you to do well. And I'm still proud of you because you haven't done any really bad stuff in a while.
Dana.....you're right. When I screw up and admit it, I still get punished but it is a lot better than it would be had I committed the same offense and hid it or lied about it. Our #1 rule is honesty.
ReplyDeleteSusan......thank you. You're right about there being different levels of offenses. And Professor is very reasonable. I just worry that my letting this deadline slide by could be seen as part of the bigger problem of my tendency to use 'Natalie-time'....which he hates...and so do I when it happens with him. You're probably right that I should stop worrying myself crazy and accept that I can't tell him how to classify this offense or how to address it. All I can really do is submit the assignment, admit to my forgetfulness and then wait & trust Professor to handle the issue in whatever way he determines would be most beneficial. I just *hate* doing stupid things like this. I think from now on, I'll set reminders in my smart phone for any and all assignments I am given.....that way even if I do become incredibly busy or side-tracked, I wont be able to forget something so important.
I think that there is a degree of arrogance in chronic lateness which is hard for me to deal with, although I certainly understand that anyone can be late now and then. So, I can understand the Professor hating 'Natalie time.' But is being late with an assignment the same as arriving late for a meeting? You really have to look at the "whys" for those two things. If the basis for the late assignment is different, than I'd suggest articulating that to the Professor, and if you have taken steps to make sure that it will not happen again, tell him that, too. He will make up his own mind whether he sees it as a different problem or not, but at least you have taken steps to correct your behavior instead of just biting your nails and trembling with worry.
ReplyDeleteI hate doing stupid things, too. That's what we get for being perfectionists, I suspect. But you can't move past it if you sit in one place beating yourself up.