Thursday, August 9, 2012
Sitting here tonight, after a long and stressful day, my mind wandered back to my hour long phone call 2 days ago with Professor. This isn't an uncommon practice for me.....when I have had a bad day, feel unbalanced, am overly stressed out, anxious or nervous about something, etc I will often think of Professor.
His voice calms me almost immediately. I've actually saved several of the voicemails he has left me for this exact reason. Obviously ideally when I am upset, I can call him and he 'talks me down'....but when a phone call isn't likely due to time, schedules, etc I can go back and listen to a voicemail he has left so I can hear that deep, steady voice and it calms me sufficiently until I can talk to him about whatever the current issue is.
So, this evening, since Professor is still gone on his family vacation, I can't just call him.....but he called me 2 days ago and we spoke for more than an hour. It was our first and so far, only phone call during his vacation that will last 3 weeks. So feeling stressed out, my mind drifted to our recent phone call and I began to feel a little less upset. Strange how his voice or even just the thought of him can reassure me and decrease my stress level, right? Weird as it may be, it works for me and I love that. :)
Back to tonight.....I was thinking of Professor & I's conversation the other day and beginning to feel a little less worked up......BUT......after a nice, relaxing 5 minutes or so of thought, the bottom fell out from underneath me!
OMG.......what have I done?
How could I have done this? I am *so* screwed! Professor is going to punish me good for this one....he just doesn't know it yet! Or maybe he does know and is waiting to see how long it will take me to remember and confess??? This is really screwing with my head now.
Last week, a few days after Professor's 3 week vacation began, I was feeling really disconnected and unanchored. I didn't realize just how quickly it would set in but I felt it almost immediately. Just knowing there was more distance between my Disciplinarian and I made me almost panicky when I contemplated 3 whole weeks without regular calls or visits. I blogged about it and also emailed Professor. In that email, after explaining how I was feeling without him, I asked him to give me some sort of new rules or assignment to do in his absence because I needed to feel his control over me. He replied and gave me exactly what I had asked for.
First, a rule to obey that coming weekend....I followed it flawlessly. Good girl :)
Second, a two part assignment.
Part #1 was to go through my Punishment List completely and make any updates, fill in any missing columns, and generally clean it all up. I *did* complete that task.
Part #2 Professor directed me to write an essay for him, after updating my Punishment List, regarding any behavioral patterns or lesson patterns I found within the list. I complained a little bit on my blog about this assignment.....mocking myself for being stupid enough to ask my Dom for additional control or 'connecting activities' when my Dom is a real life Professor...lol.
Here in lies the BIG problem.....he required that essay be submitted to him by Wednesday August 8th, 2012. That was YESTERDAY! My bright green eyes are now the size of saucers, my bottom lip permanently stuck out in a horribly guilty pout and my little heart is rapidly thumping against my rib cage and all I can think about is how Professor's strong left hand or our oak bath brush is going to be rapidly thumping on my bare bottom as I lie upended across his lap! :(
What do I do? What do I do? :( I've thoroughly scanned his faculty website, hoping to find his policy for late assignments......no such luck! And the unknown is what is so nerve-racking.
I didn't exactly 'forget'.......I just sort of forgot. :( That is not going to go over well with Professor. I can't just FORGET to obey him.......especially when I ASKED FOR IT! What the hell was I thinking? I guess I could try to hurry up and compose something decent enough to be accepted.....but that wouldn't be good enough.....Professor has seen my writing, and I know he expects my best effort. I could maybe try to write the essay really well tonight and sneak it into his inbox so he sees it tomorrow morning and just hope he forgets the due date he required? Maybe I should email him and make up some excuse of being too busy or preoccupied for the last week and say I'll write it by the weekend if he will grant me an extension? Yeah, that wont work.....you have to ask for an extension PRIOR to the due date. Maybe I should confess to forgetting and apologize while sending an amazing essay and hope he feels overly forgiving?
Ughhh.....I just don't know what I should do. He has an excellent memory, so even though he hasn't sent an email or IM mentioning the late assignment, I am sure he hasn't forgotten. He is probably waiting to see how long it will take me to realize what I've done and correct it by sending the completed essay and apologetically inquiring as to what my well-deserved punishment will be for this lapse in judgement. **sighs**
This sucks......if I would have kept my damn mouth shut in the first place then I wouldn't have even been given this assignment. And when I did ask for control and received exactly what I requested, I should have completed the task! What the hell was I thinking? That's just IT.....I wasn't thinking. And now, I had to go and throw away perfect behavior in his absence because I couldn't set a darn reminder on my smart phone or something and get that essay submitted on time! Grrrrr.
Now I am stressed and mad at myself and worried about the trouble I've just gotten myself into.....AND I need to get my ass moving and write my essay. But what do I do when I submit it? Just send it and keep my mouth shut......if it is a big deal to him then he will bring it up, and if he doesn't mention it then I should keep quiet and thank my lucky stars he was too preoccupied to notice??? Or do I submit the assignment along with an apology for it's less than punctual arrival and BEG Professor to please NOT classify this offense as my AGAIN using 'Natalie-Time'??? Oh crap....what if he ascribes to the theory: "Chronic lateness is a statement of how little regard you have for other people's time and shows a lack of respect or consideration." YIKES! :( This could end SOOOO badly for me and my forgetful, naughty bottom. :(
HELP Girls........what do I do????? :(