Friday, August 10, 2012
Love VS In Love in D/s
I read several other DD & D/s blogs and talk with many other people in Blog Land about our shared interests in spanking, Dominance/submission, discipline, etc. I've met some amazing people this way and formed friendships that I otherwise may not have made. This post is a continuation of an ongoing conversation between a few other ladies and myself.
If you read my blog often, then you know that I have been a spanko girl for my entire adult life, actually for as long as I can remember, even as a young teenager I was fascinated with the subject. As soon as I left home for college at age 16, I began experimenting in the kink. I had a couple of quick spanking-based relationships as well as one-time experiences in college. I worried for several years that I was somehow 'broken' or something was wrong with me as my need to submit seemed to contradict the independent girl I am. After driving myself crazy for years, I finally decided to just embrace this part of my life and personality. I met my husband at just 19 and during my marriage to my Marine, we practiced domestic discipline (or as Stormy calls it: 'DH: domestic harmony'). So during that time in my life, my husband was my Disciplinarian. Once I no longer had my Marine, it took me quite a while to begin considering finding a D/s partner. Last fall I decided that I wanted to find a Disciplinarian but knowing that I was still emotionally unavailable for a romantic relationship, I didn't think it likely to find a man who would understand and/or respect that. Late winter, by chance while helping a friend find a partner, I met Professor. After some lengthy conversation, he & I realized that our wants & needs were compatible. Professor is happily married and committed to his wife; but like many people in the kink with a vanilla spouse, he sought a partner within the kink to scene with. Upon realizing that neither of us were seeking a romance, we agreed to explore the possibility of a discipline-based D/s relationship. Since that fateful day last February, I have quite happily belonged to Professor.
Throughout the last 7 months we have worked on so many things. Much of my previously reckless & ignorant behavior has ceased. Bad habits have been broken. Goals clearly defined and steps taken toward achieving those goals. I have learned so much in this short time about life in general and myself, as well. I'm a work in progress and though I am still far from 'perfect', I am a completely different girl. I know I still have a long way to go and I still lack discipline in many areas, but I am improving every day. In the process of addressing my poor behaviors and working to better myself under Professor's guidance, I have also found a friend. :)
I don't open up to people very easily at all. I have many walls and defenses that have been constructed throughout my life to protect me from other people. I don't trust easily and I have to analyze everything. Knowing in February, that I needed a Disciplinarian to hold me accountable in order to help me make much needed changes, I knew I had to be honest with him. Even before Professor expressed that Rule #1 was imperative to 'us', I knew I had to be open and honest with him. I had to take the chance of trusting him and 'letting him in' to know me...the real me. I was hesitant but willing and I opened up and gave Professor that chance. He embraced it and very quickly worked to earn my trust, my respect and ultimately, my submission.
We began to construct our relationship built upon that foundation of trust. We learned about one another and we grew together. Any time I have needed him, he has been there for me. He holds me accountable but he never judges me based upon my bad behavior or poor choices. He also let me in....I was able to ask him anything about himself & his life and he readily answered. I was able to see him at work, at play with his children, in every day situations. I saw how hard he works, how much he cares, what he has spent his professional life to build.....and I grew to admire him and truly look up to him as a man, a father, a leader, a friend. He is often the first person I call for advice and I always know that I can trust the advice he gives to me.
Over the last 7 months, Professor has become far more than I ever anticipated in the beginning. He is my Disciplinarian, my Dominant or Top, my mentor, my sounding board, teacher, father figure, friend. I look up to him, trust him, truly admire him, respect him, want to please him and need to submit to him. His opinion has come to mean the world to me and I care for him a great deal.
Some of my friends in the kink, here on Blogger and in real life, are also in non-romantic D/s relationships with their Dom/Top. One of them in particular, littleone, is married to her 'non-Dom' but for scene play has 'Sir/Local D' as her Dom/Top. She wrote a post on her blog called 'love submission love' and it has brought about a conversation between littleone, Joolz & I regarding emotions within these relationships. Below are some of the exact quotes from littleone's post that provoked so much thought and spawned this conversation. BTW...littleone is an amazingly gifted author and her writing often inspires a lot of thought, check out her blog (willing slut) if you haven't already.
I have been reading blogs with some very insightful posts. As I search for my submission I feel there is something missing. I read other women's thoughts, other men's thoughts and I wonder if what is missing is love.
I am immersed in play. I love to play but there is no love. I am not free to love.
I am lead to ponder the question is true submission grounded in love? Or maybe, like the old chicken and the egg question, is love born of submission?
That is just a small portion of her writing on the topic. Joolz and I both commented on littleone's post and pointed out that just because she is married & committed to her husband, does not mean that she can not love her Dom or have an emotional connection to him. Sharing something as emotionally intimate as Dominance and submission forms a connection between two people. What labels you choose to give those emotions is each individuals choice. Even if that emotion is tagged as 'love', I don't believe that is a negative. I think there are many different types and levels of love.
You love your spouse but in a different way than you love a parent. You love your best friend but on a different level than you love your child(ren). And just because you love a person does not necessarily mean that you are IN LOVE with that person. Love is not a strictly romantic emotion.
Numerous people in this kink are married to vanilla spouses. I don't think that having an emotional connection to their partner within the kink means that they love their spouse any less. I don't think that caring for or loving your Dom or your sub means that you are necessarily in love with them. Again, to me, there are many different types and levels of the emotion, love. What we share with our partner in this area of our life is a very emotional and intimate bond. Honesty, trust, respect, humility. It can be an extremely intense experience.
Her writing and our subsequent discussions just really made me stop and think. I know this is a grey area for so many who partner in the kink with someone other than their life partner/spouse/significant other. It is a lot to contemplate. While I can certainly understand that a spouse could feel threatened by this relationship, I also don't feel anyone should block, deny or refuse their own emotions toward other people in order to reassure a significant other. This is obviously a highly emotionally charged subject for many people whose D/s relationship is non-romantic, like my own. I'd love to hear the opinions of others on this subject and even if you don't agree with me, I appreciate differing view points.
Maybe there is no 'right' answer to this debacle. It is probably different for every individual and every couple. I can only speak for myself and offer my own personal opinion(s). As I said, I believe there are different types and levels of love. And I believe you can love another person but not be in love with him/her. In the top of this post, the background I gave of Professor & I's relationship, I included all of that to summarize my post by saying this:
With all that we have shared.....everything Professor has done for me.....the things he has help me to change......his patience......his willingness to answer my questions....the parenting advice he offers.....him caring enough for me to set high expectations.....his patting me on the back when I succeed & holding me accountable when I fall short......everything that has transpired in the last 7 months makes it impossible for me to *not* care for this man. The longer I have been *his* girl, the more we share, the closer I feel to him, the more I truly respect & admire him, and the more I honestly want to please him & offer to him, my complete & unquestioned submission.
If something horrible happened and I lost him, I would be devastated. If I were with him and someone tried to hurt him, I would kill them. If he called me at 3am in the morning and was stranded somewhere and needed help, I'd drop what I was doing to go to him. If he were injured, I'd do everything in my power to fix him. If he wants to talk, he knows I will listen. If he has a bad day & needs a laugh, Ill show him pictures of my wiener dog in a cast or pregnant nuns. :)
I care for Professor tremendously and only become more attached the longer I know him. He has done so much for me and I would do anything he asked of me. I am not an overly emotional girl by nature and this 'L' word is one I use very rarely to anyone aside from my son; but the subject & other people's writing on this topic has brought it to the forefront now.
If you were to ask me: "Are you in love with your Dom?"
I would answer: "I am not in love with Professor....that is simply not the relationship that we have with one another."
However, if you were to ask me: "Do you love your Dom?"
I would answer: "After a lot of thought, and though I have not ever said it to him, yes I do love Professor. With all that we share and everything he has done to help me when he didn't have to.....how could I *not* love my Dom?"