Horrible Mood :(

04/25/2012

My mood absolutely sucks right now. That is probably even an understatement. I've had a lot going on the last couple months......work, family, health, etc.....just a lot to deal with all at once and much of it very emotionally exhausting. I've felt overwhelmed a lot and somehow Professor's been able to pull me back from that every time......except this one. Nothing seems to be improving my mood this time. I just feel.....blah, oh well, who cares, etc. I hate feeling like this but cant seem to shake it right now.

 

I have several big things coming up quickly that I need to be preparing for.....but Im not. I'm procrastinating on everything that is not life or death right now.....which will only end up stressing me out more late on because I'll have to rush through things to complete them on time. I know this, but even that isnt enough to motivate me to snap out of this mood. And my finding time to blog while refusing to study will certainly be coming back to bite me in the ass as soon as Professor puts 2 and 2 together with the dates of these entries....ughhh.

 

Compound all of this nonsense with Professor & I not really being able to talk much in the last 7-10 days.....at all, no phone, no IM chats, nothing but email tag.....yeah, it sucks. Its not for a lack of trying......I've wanted to call him several times and he has called me 3 or 4 times and left me voicemails.......some how my shcedule is conflicting with his so it just hasnt happened......which is not our 'normal.' Then typical over-analyzing me decided since this inconvenience of conflicting schedules seems to be happening when I have been really well-behaved for almost 2 weeks now since I last saw Professor for a session......well my typical over-analytical mind almost convinced myself that we arent talking because of my good behavior......yep, almost fell into that trap the other night and almost did something incredibly ignorant and it would have definitely gotten me Professor's attention, but it wouldnt have at all been the attention I wanted. **Sighs**  Pissy mood, lack in communication and time to think.....not a good combination. Thankfully for his sanity & my bottom, my rational good'girl side won out and reassured myself that our communication has nothing to do with and is certainly not based on how well I am behaving......we both have careers, we both have families, we both have real lives and unfortunately at times our real lives will conflict with one anothers and that's okay and nothing to get upset about and certainly not a good enough reason to do something ignorant. So......glad I didnt go through with that nonsense.

 

But ughhhhh, my mood is really horrible. I've tried different things to improve it.....went to the firing range for a while, got to blow off some steam but didnt improve my overall mood. Spent time with my son, but even he was frustrating me. Talked to my wiener dogs......yes, I told you all Im not normal, if I cant talk to my Professor, then I'll settle for a dachshund, they listen well and never talk back :).......didnt help. Went to the gym.....no luck. Went for a run with a friend.....not any better. Even tried shopping for designer handbags, which I absolutely L-O-V-E......even that didnt help. Yep, Im in a tough spot right now and nothing is helping.

 

Then, two nights ago, the same night I contemplated acting out ignorantly, well I made an even more ridiculous decision. Professor was lecturing me through email about my being confrontational again......and I didnt care to hear it, or read it.....and I really didnt care to admit he was right, I was wrong and should have behaved better. So instead of waiting until I had calmed down and could reply respectfully......I chose to reply immediately. Not such a good idea.

 

He asked how I could have handled the situation better.....my reply to him: "I dont know Professor, you're the rocket scientist, you tell me."  I can not believe I said that to him in a non-joking manner. Want worse? Oh it gets even better......he made a comment about my being overly-confrontational and I copied his words and then added my thoughts on what he said......only those thoughts included cursing not just to him, but directed at him.....I said....."nice touch smartass." I sent the email and then literally 5 minutes later I started to panic. I sent him IMs, I sent an apology via email.....I could not believe I had actually sent that email to him and I knew he wouldn't be pleased.

 

Here is the issue now though.....he had originally thought that message was me joking with him, so if my guilty conscious hadnt made me apologize immediately, I could have played it off as a joke and escaped any punishment for it. **sighs** But I cant ever lie to him, even if it will get me out of trouble, I just cant. He means so much to me and I respect him enough to tell him the truth.....even when the truth is going get my bottom beat.

 

My issue now.......Im still in an absolutely horrible mood and cant just snap out of it. But now Im pissed off at myself for lashing out at the one person who only wants to help me. Yes, I mean that.....even when he is lecturing me, he is doing it for my own good and I know that. I wasn't really angry at him.....I didnt really disagree with what he had said to me.....honestly, I knew he was right. So why on Earth did I send that reply to him? Why did I lash out at him? Why curse at him? Why call him a name? I just dont get it. I did the same thing at times with my Marine, and he called it "transferred aggression"........he used to tell me that I could take any emotion and turn it into anger because I felt most comfortable expressing anger.......and I feel most comfortable showing that anger to those I am closest to, so even if it has absolutely nothing to do with them, I will lash out at them anyway. Makes absolutely no sense to do it, but I do it anyway.

 

He was certainly right about the turning any emotion to anger.....I do that often. If Im hurt or sad......I wont ever say it, I just channel it to anger. If Im stressed or overwhelmed.....I will occassionally tell those closest to me, but most often just transfer that into aggression and anger as well. I wonder why I do it though? Was I just wired this way? Can I change it? It never seems to bother me when I am doing it, but afterward......when I reflect about what I said, especially to someone who didnt deserve it......I feel really horrible.

 

I respect Professor so much and I knew he was right in what he said to me but I still resisted and attacked him for doing his job and caring enough to tell me I was out of line. I would have never said those things to his face, or even by phone so why did I do it in text? As if I thought I wouldnt have to answer for it eventually in person. I just dont understand my own trains of thought some days. So Im certain I'll get a punishment list entry for this one and Im even more certain he will have no problem re-teaching me self-restraint and respect......regardless of bad moods. **sighs**

Newsweek Submission Article

04/24/2012

Everyone see the Newsweek cover? 'The Fantasy Life of Working Women'......entertaining read to say the least. I work with a few other spankos.......and several who know nothing at all about this relationship dynamic so the chatter and conversation at work over the article has been some what intense. I try not to debate things like religion, politics, lifestyle differences, etc at work because I tend to be aggressive and easily escalate a debate to an argument.....which gets me into trouble, so as I said, typically refrain. Not this time.....just cant. :)  The topic of conversation is ongoing so I will definitely update on this post with comments worth mentioning. :) Here are my quick thoughts on the subject:

This statement, to me, said it all. " It may be that power is not always that comfortable, even for those of us who grew up in it; it may be that equality is something we want only sometimes and in some places and in some arenas; it may be that power and all of its imperatives can be boring."  I couldn't agree more with this statement. Im a typical type A in my professional life and the word, act or even notion of submission in my career is laughable. But I dont always wants that power. I am very comfortable being aggressive and forceful in most situations.....but as the quote says, I only want that power & equality in some arenas. Honestly, certain times I feel strongest when I have absolutely no power at all.....when that power has been handed over and my submission offered to a man with whom I am NOT an equal. Submission takes strength.....to trust, to depend on, to follow even if you do not always agree. The complete exchange of power in a specific arena, with a specific man.....for me is what helps to build and temper my strengths & assets in every other aspect of my life.

Naughty With 99% Chance of Bad Girl

So this is the subject of the email I sent today to Professor: Naughty with a 99% Chance of Bad Girl. Lol...cute, right? I woke up in a sassy mood and then after a few interactions and reading some news that made me very angry....I was just downright naughty and headed quickly for bad. Professor was busy at work but saw my email and sent me an IM....here is our brief log of IMs:

HIM: Call me on the land line noon - 1:45pm

ME:  Good afternoon to you too Professor

ME:  Miss me that much? Or did you read my email?

ME:‎  Hmmm....silence.....Im guessing that the answer is the latter rather than the   former. Dang it...see what happens when Im a good girl and inform my disciplinarian...tsk tsk

HIM: I repeat: Call me on the land line noon - 1:45pm

ME:  Hooray, we both know how much you love.to repeat yourself

ME:  Ok ok Ill stop. I think Ive got it all out of my system now.....if not may I plead insanity?

See??? Definitely NAUGHTY! :) I called him....even naughty isn't completely stupid. All my smart ass comments...witty, naughty remarks...sass and attitude   every bit of it dissipated the moment he spoke. "Wow, the IMs you sent while ignoring my request for you to call me were something else....you're in quite a mood, aren't you?" He asked, still chuckling at me. I smiled, "Yes Sir." I could virtually 'hear' the smile on his face...see, even my strict Professor has a sense of humor and can tolerate a little innocent sass from his brat every once in a while.

We talked for less than 10 minutes....but it was long enough for me to fill him in on everything, and long enough for him to give me a warning to behave. Just hearing his deep voice....reset immediately. I could be in about any mood.....pissed off, annoyed, angry, bitchy, naughty, furious.....any mood at all and the second I hear that man's voice, POOF.....I am calm, relaxed, focused & happy. I love the effect he has on me. His voice can startle me, make me pout, make my heart race, make me cry but it much more often can make me smile, make me laugh, calm & focus me, reassure me and chase away any chance of naughtiness. :) L-O-V-E it! Happy Professor makes a very happy half-naughty good girl! :)

Speeding.....Again

10/02/2006

My alarm clock didn't go off this morning.....wait, let me clarify. It did go off but I hit 'snooze' and then hit it again and then I guess I just forgot the hit the button and somehow thought throwing the clock across the room would help....lol. It did help.....the clock shut up, and didn't bother me with that annoying buzzing again. Sleeping beauty drifted back off to la la land. I woke up when my cell phone started ringing.

"Hello?" I answered as I rubbed at my eyes. "Good morning beautiful. I had to leave early this morning and didnt want to wake you so I wanted to call now to tell you good luck on your final, I know you'll do great." I smiled....got to love this man at times like this. Such a serious, stern military man who comes across to most people as extremely rigid.....but at times like this, when he goes out of his way to put a smile on my face, he is just a puppy dog in combat boots. :) Sweet, attentive, flirtatious.......just plain adorable. "Thanks honey. I love you." I sat up on the edge of the bed. "Love you too angel. I have to go. See you tonight." I hung up and smiled......then glancing down at the time, that smile quickly faded. "1030am.....son of a bitch!" I yelled as I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, quickly dialing on my phone.......

"Good morning Dr. Brawner, this is Natalie. I had a flat tire this morning so I may be a few minutes late for the final, but I am on my way. I'm sorry, I'll see you soon." I jump in and out of the shower in record time, throw together an outfit, grab my phone & keys and rush out of the house and into my grand am to begin my drive to campus.

I am freaking out as I pass one car after the next. I live 20 minutes from campus, without traffic delays. My exam was to begin at 11am and I know even if I am able to dodge every delay on the road, I am still going to be late. Dr. Brawner is a professor that teaches two classes of mine this semester and the man in a hard ass. He actually opens the syllabuses to his courses with the following statement: "If you're early, you're on time...If you're on time, you're late...If you're late, don't bother showing up." I've only been late to his class once and it was not a pleasant experience. I've seen him dismiss other students from class for being late. I HAVE to get there.....fast!

As I whip around another car onto the exit ramp to Raab Rd. in Normal, I tap my brakes softly and then accelerate again. I look into my mirror and try to apply my eyeliner and then see red & blue lights flashing in my mirror. "Are you fucking kidding me???" I yell out as I hit the steering wheel and pull over onto the shoulder.

"Good morning ma'am. License, insurance & registration please." I am leaning over digging through my purse and turn to hand him the requested documents and see a familiar face. "Jeremy?" He lowers his sunglasses and looks at me, a bit confused, "Natalie? What the hell are you doing?" I sigh, somewhat relieved to see a good friend of ours and co-worker of my husbands'. "Oh my God, thank God it is you. I am running late to my final exam. Can you please just let me get there? Follow me if you want and put a warning in the car, but I have to get to campus. This is Dr. Brawner's final, I can't be late." The look on his face is a mix of amusement and irritation. "He is tough. I'll escort you over there but we need to talk later about this. Being late for an exam sucks, but it isn't a reason to fly off an exit ramp driving 103mph in a 45mph zone Natalie." I roll my eyes at him, "Jeremy it just switched to a 45mph zone, it was a 65mph zone." He glares at me, "And your point is? Even in a 65mph zone, 103mph is reckless driving and just stupid Natalie. You could have left your house earlier so you'd be on time and alive." I sigh, "I know, I know. Im sorry." He hands me back my paperwork and jumps back in his squad car, then leads me lights flashing to campus.

I ran into that building as quickly as I could and up to the 3rd floor.....probably taking 3 stairs at a time. I ran into the classroom, out of breath and a few people looked up as the door slammed shut behind me. Dr. Brawner was sitting in the back of the room and glanced up at me, then to his watch, shook his head and went back to scanning the papers in front of him. I walked back to him, and whispered, "Sir, I am so sorry. I got here as quickly as I could." He spoke without even looking up at me, "I got your voicemail Natalie. Since it was an issue with your car and out of your control, I will let you take the exam, but you would be smart to show up early to your final in my other course later this week. Are we clear?" I shook my head and said, "Yes Sir. Thank you so much." He handed me my exam and I took my seat and took the final.

After leaving campus, I turned my phone back on and checked messages. I had a text from Jeremy. "Natalie, I have an appt so leaving work for day. We needed to talk about this morning but I have to go so I sent Jason an email with what I wanted to say to you, so ask him for it please and reply through email. SLOW DOWN!" I re-read the text over and over, praying I'd read it incorrectly. My mind is in a panic. No no no.....why did he email Jason? Oh my God! He is going to kill me. Oh my God. I start to pray that Jeremy didn't mention the offense or exact speed in the email. Maybe I can talk my way out of this, I'll tell him about being late.....I mean it IS a final exam and it IS important.

I rehearse my defense again and again throughout the afternoon and try to calm myself down while also trying to do any small thing I can that I know will please him. I finished the laundry, pressed his uniforms, tidied up the house and went to the kitchen to cook us dinner. I keep stealing glances at the clock, in a dreaded countdown to his arrival. I grab my MP3 player and listen to some music while I continue cooking and dreading.

My music is so loud that I don't hear he enter the house. I'm at the sink, rinsing vegetables when I feel his arms wrap around me from behind. He pulls me back into him and squeezes me in a tight hug. I lay my head back against his chest for a moment before pulling my ear buds out and tilting my head further back to kiss him.

"I missed you baby. How was your day? How did you do on the test?" His tone of voice is almost confusing to me; he isn't upset.....actually, quite the opposite, he sounds happy....sweet....calm. "I wont have my results until Thursday, but I think I did well. How was your day?" He spins me around so I am now facing him and pulls me in for another hug. He kissed my forehead and then I pressed my head to his chest, just lingering in the embrace as he rested his chin on top of my head.....I absolutely love when he does that. Just another subtle & sweet but possessive act. Makes me smile every time he does this......much the same as when he places his hand on the small of my back when we walk somewhere, or the way he stretches his arm out behind him so I'll hurry and catch up to him and place my hand in his......cute, sweet little showings of affection that are also incredibly possessive and protective. Got to love having an attentive, dominant man.

"I had a pretty good day. Is dinner done?" I squeeze him tightly and then turn away to finish rinsing the veggies. "Nope, will be in about an hour. You're early." I say as I continue cooking. "Okay, that's fine. Finish up with the veggies and then meet me in our room please." I swallow hard but his voice is still relatively relaxed so I don't want to panic and give myself away so I give a cool reply, "Sure honey. Be there in a sec."

I try to reassure myself on my way down the hallway, toward our room that he he surely wouldn't be so sweet and cuddly if he knew what had happened this morning, so I am safe.....for now anyway. I open the door and step inside and pull it closed behind me. The door to our master bath is closed so I know he is probably showering. I knock lightly on the door and say, "Baby I'm here." I hear him from the other side of the door, "Alright, I'll be right out. Sit on the bed and wait for me please." I walk over to our bed and kick my shoes off and then before getting on it, I take the hairbrush from the night stand and quickly shove it in a drawer, out of sight......a girl can never be too prepared. :)

I sit up on our bed, my legs folded underneath me. The door opens and he walks over to the desk and starts pecking on the computer keyboard. "Whatcha doing honey?" I ask coyly as I bounce up and down on the bed, smiling at him. He returns the smile and says, "Just a minute Miss Impatience." He closes the laptop and grabs a piece of paper that just came out of the printer and then walks over to the bed. He extends his hand and offers me the paper. I smile and take it from him and start to read it.

Jason...
Hey bud, it's Jeremy.I would have called but I am in a rush and I know you're at work. This morning I pulled Natalie over on Raab Rd. She was running late for Chuck Brawner's class I guess. I took one of his courses so I know why she was worried about being on time but I think, even with the exam, 103mph in a 45mph is a bit much. She is lucky it was me who stopped her. If one of the other guys would have picked her up, they would have probably arrested her for reckless driving man. Please tell Mrs Lead-Foot to slow it down.
Jeremy


I read the brief email three or four times, trying to stall and remember my so well planned defense speech that had suddenly escaped my mind. He could see I was stalling and snatched the paper back from me. I continued to think and started to pick at my socks nervously, avoiding eye contact. He walked back to the desk and sat the piece of paper down and then walked back toward me, stopping just in front of me. He tucked his hand under my chin and tilted my head up until our eyes met. His narrowed and mine darted to the picture on the wall behind him. "Natalie Lynn." The volume soft but his tone firm.

I looked back up at him but said nothing. "103?" He questioned. I pouted and shook my head yes. "103???" He repeated, irritated at my head nod. "Yes Sir." He glared down at me. "How many times have we discussed your speeding?" I sighed before replying, "A lot?" His eyes again narrowed, "Excuse me?" I immediately recognized my error, "I'm sorry. A lot Sir." Pleased with my corrected response, he continued, "This exam has been scheduled since the beginning of the semester Lynn. So you knew what time you had to be there. Why would you be pulled over 5 minutes AFTER the exam had started, a quarter mile from campus and driving like Mark Martin?" I bit the corner of my lip, "Baby I didn't mean to. I am never late for class. I over slept." He put his hands on his hips, "We have an alarm clock and I reset it for you before I left this morning." He pointed to the night stand and then looked around suddenly confused.

My mind scolding myself for forgetting to place it back before I rushed out this morning. He spotted it, across the room on the floor. "I see. Looks like someone had a temper tantrum with electronics this morning that I have to address as well as time management and driving like a damn idiot." He turned and again stared down into my green eyes. "I'm sorry. I know I can't throw things but it was loud and annoying. And the speeding, honey I was just trying to get to class. I didn't realize how fast I was going. I just wasn't watching the speedometer." I explained in a whiny tone, trying desperately to dig myself out of the hole I'd put myself in to. "No ma'am. Not looking down at the speedometer causes someone to go ten miles over the limit......not more than double it! 103 Lynn.....103!" His voice now elevated and his tone only more nerve-racking. I sighed and resigned myself to my fate, hung my head and whispered "I am sorry Sir."

He sat down on the bed next to me and pulled me over his lap, sliding my pants down as he positioned me on his knee. Then he leaned over and reached toward the night stand and audibly sighed. I bit my lower lip again and started to re-think my hiding the brush. "Never learn, do you?" His voice dripping with irritation as he scooped me up off of his lap and placed me standing and then stood up himself. His hands shot directly to his waist and he started to unbuckle his belt. My heart sank and I went into panic mode. "Nooo honey nooo pleaseee. I'll put it back, I'll put it back." I whined as I turned to grab the brush from the dresser drawer. I made it one step before his hand was wrapped around my wrist, pulling me back toward him as the other hand pulled his belt from his waist. "Too late Lynn. Over, NOW." Raising his voice to emphasize the last word. I knew it was no use to struggle so I obediently crawled up onto the bed, placing two pillows in the center and laying across them.

"Other people may drive like idiots, but MY wife will not.....you know better and if you forget your better judgement, then you'll at least remember the driving guidelines that I've set for you and your learning them with my belt little girl."  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK

He wasted no time at all laying into my unprotected bottom with that damn belt. I kicked my feet but remained in position.  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
"You could have killed yourself or someone else Natalie Lynn. The test was important but your life and well being takes precedence, clear?"  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
"Yes Sirrrrr." My reply trailing off into a whine as he focused on my thighs, the supple leather biting into my skin with a force that left no doubt in my mind as to his irritation and concern with what I had done.

SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK

"You had plenty of advance notice to manage your time appropriately and be on time today. You threw a tantrum like a child and threw the clock, which in turn threw your scheduling for a loop. Then you decided to make up for lost time, you would drive AGAIN at triple digit speeds risking your life.......MY WIFE WILL NOT ENDANGER HERSELF OR OTHERS....PERIOD!"  His elevated voice, angry tone and choice of words put a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I squeezed a pillow and buried my face into it as he continued to whip me. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK!

I struggled to remain still and in position. I *hate* the belt! He knows it and that has seemed to have moved this implement up to the top of his list of favorite or most effective implements to use to correct his naughty girl. And though he has several belts, he uses only two of them to punish me.....both are wide, thick, awful leather belts....military issued duty belts. They are heavy and they hurt....a lot.......especially when being applied to a bare bottom that hasn't even been hand spanked prior to the whipping. He straps with purpose, ensuring that each swat is placed immediately above or below the last, always in quick succession. When we first got together, he used to whip me much slower, giving me several seconds between the volleys of stinging swats but after about 6 months he said that he thought him whipping me like that gave me too much time to 'distance' or 'harden'. He loves my stubborn tendencies in some things but when it comes to me being punished or domestic discipline in our marriage, he hates it. He knows that if I am spanked in a slow rhythm, I am able to put up a wall and continue to be stubborn throughout the session.....refusing to cry or fully submit to the punishment. He says when I am spanked in that slow fashion, that I dig my heels in and focus more on preparing for the next swat and holding back emotionally.....and he would prefer if I took that time to focus on the reason I am being punished in the first place. Grrrr. I disagreed and prefer having time between swats.......obviously if you read many of our sessions, you can see which of us ended up winning this debate. Ughhhhh.

  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK

I stopped kicking my feet and just laid there, clutching the pillow and sobbing into it. He is always very conscious of my breathing, my resisting or lack there of, my body language, vocally whether I am whining or sobbing........he has never let the state of my bottom determine when a punishment will end which is a double-edged sword. At times I will mark incredibly easy and at others he could spank me for hours (and often has) and my bottom will be nothing more than red. He learned early on that my bottom wouldn't be an accurate indicator of when it was truly enough and the lesson was learned. So he relies on a mixture of my non-verbal cues and his own experience. If what I have done is incredibly bad then he has been known to push even further and continue to punish me even if my signs are saying I've had enough and have given in and submitted. I try, most of the time anyway....barring stubborn outbursts, not to struggle with him anymore like I used to in the beginning of our relationship. I used to wiggle, squirm, struggle to break free, block swats, cry, yell.....just put up a life or death fight........he explained to me after I learned the hard way, on my own, that when I behaved that way during a punishment then it told him that I didn't think I deserved it and would struggle for the control to end it.......he is Irish as well, and equally as stubborn so when he saw that he would set himself on a course to change my attitude or break my will......which ever came first. I hate to admit that he is right......but he was right about my refusing to submit, and I rarely do it now. Usually if he is spanking me, I know I do deserve it and willingly submit now, as I said barring stubborn moments, to fix it so I can be forgiven and given a clean slate.

 SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK!  He focused the last several dozen stinging swats to my sit spot and upper thighs. I was so sore by this time that every swat seemed unbearable and I'd throw my head back to gasp for air before again burying my face into the pillow, my cheeks dampened with my tears as they continued to stream down my face.

 SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK

He stopped and I heard him replacing his belt through the loops of his jeans and then he walked from the bed. I stayed in position, sobbing into the pillow and listening for him. I heard a dresser drawer slide open and closed and then felt him sit down next to me. He must have been watching when I went to retrieve the brush before he stopped me. Dang dang dang. His strong hands on my hips as he pulled me again over his lap. I laid draped across his knee, my bottom on fire and covered with multiple wide stripes but now upended over his capable lap.

CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  Several firm swats fell on the right and then...... CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  the left cheek. CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK
Several more harsh blows connected with my thighs and sit spots. He paddled firm and fast, swatting the same spot three or four times before moving to another and giving it the same treatment.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK

"You will NOT move or hide implements from me when you're in trouble young lady. If you do, you'll be punished with whatever implement I have available at the time and then will have a follow up reminder spanking with the implement you chose to hide when I am finished. Clear?" His voice much softer but still a firm resolve. "Yes Sir" I whimpered and then wrapped my arms around his lower leg and held on tightly as he finished paddling me.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK   He sat the wooden brush back down on the night stand and lifted me up into his strong arms. He held me tightly to his chest and rubbed my back as his slow, steady breathing slowed my ragged breath and quieted my sobs. Though I hate being punished because I don't like to upset my husband and it hurts like hell, these tiny moments in time immediately after being disciplined, when he holds me in his arms and calms me with his touch.....these have got to be the times when I am happiest. My bottom throbbing, my face streaked with tears but my heart light, my body eager for his touch. I feel so incredibly loved and protected in these few minutes. He loves me enough to lead me, to protect me, to instill discipline in me.....for a better me and a better us.....and that is worth any spanking. :)

We stayed there a couple more minutes and I didn't say anything, I just let him hold me. He swept my hair away from my face and lifted my chin again to kiss me deeply before lifting me up, "Alright, come on imp. Though it didn't save your ass, my dinner smells really good and I am starving." I smiled up at him and went to raise my pants, he stopped me with his large hands over the top of mine and he pushed my hands away. Then he pulled my jeans back up and buttoned them before placing a firm SWAT to my jean-clad bottom to hurry me on my way to get his dinner. He went to the living room and ordered a movie. I walked him his dinner and a beer and then curled up next to him, on a very sore properly punished bottom and we ate dinner and watched the movie with one another that evening. And I made myself a few silent promises......#1 I was buying a radar detector so I could hit the brakes BEFORE a cop spotted me.....#2 No more hiding implements of bratty bottom destruction in dresser drawers.....#3 Addendum to #2, I will instead donate all belts, brushes, paddles & straps to the Good Will box for poor people who can't afford implements to beat their brats. Aren't I such a bleeding heart humanitarian?!  Lol!  ;)

Dear Mr. Stalker

Mr. Stalker,

I do not mind that crazy creeps read my blog.....I am not exactly 'normal' myself....well whatever normal is anyway. You know who you are and I hope you listen very carefully to the content of this message to you.

I have gotten all of the 113 emails you have sent to me in the last 2 weeks......first of all, you need a hobby. I have refused to respond to any of the emails but some of your comments and questions had to be addressed. So I am going to attempt to respond in a polite, respectful, good girl fashion because as much as I'd like to verbally assault you for your harassment, I belong to a man who expects appropriate conduct from his little girl and you are certainly not worth me upsetting him over. :)

Question #1: Will you marry me Natalie?
Answer: I'd love to say I am flattered, but I'm not.....I'm a bit weirded out by the question actually and concerned for your sanity. So first of all......N-O......I don't believe I'll ever marry again but just in case I lost my mind & decided to, it is safe to say that you would certainly NOT be the man I chose. NO

Question #2: Can I spank you?
Answer: Do piglets fly? Does the depths of hell routinely have blizzards? Would Gronkowski look good in a floor length satin gown with 6 inch stiletto heels?  NO! There are only 4 men in my life who have ever even been able to swat my bottom playfully one time and live to tell about it.....you are not on that list. Of those select men, I have only been truly spanked by those to whom I have belonged. I belong to ONE man.....UNO.....UN.....HANA.....EINS......O-N-E! That one man in my Professor. I am HIS girl....HIS naughty girl....HIS good girl.....His and His alone....period. My bottom, though I'm sure many people would like to spank it or at the very least see it spanked.....is spanked by ONE man.....my Professor. My submission is HIS.....he earned it, protects it and deserves it. My bottom is his property and no other man would have a hand left if he smacked it. I hope that clears it up for you.......N-O!

Question #3: Can I be your disciplinarian? I could spank you better than your Professor.
Answer: Just a minute.....let me stop choking on my laughter......okay, I'll answer this now......looks like I am on a streak here......N-O! First of all creepy stalker dude, no one is assigned the title or responsibility of being a Disciplinarian.......it is a job (at times a full time job.....sorry Professor :) ) and it is achieved through a lot of hard work and a deep trust. It is earned, not given. As with the answer to question #2......ONE man disciplines me and that one man is my Professor. I am not the kind of girl to run from lap to lap being spanked by every spanko man out there.....sorry, not for me. This is not some sort of game for me, it is an important part of my life. It is a very difficult thing to find a true compatibility in and I am amazed every day at my good fortune....or perhaps pure luck....in finding Professor. I do not trust easily and this man earned that trust and inspires me every day to please him through my unquestioned submission to his authority in my life. As for your laughable commentary about you being able to "spank you better than Professor".......I somehow doubt that. A spanko relationship with a discipline base is a very intimate bond. It is as much emotional and psychological as it is physical. I'm also reminded of something my mother used to tell me as a child when I'd over-analyze....."You don't need to fix what is not broken"......I don't need "better" and honestly, I am rather confident that there is NO better. My Disciplinarian is perfect.....for me. He is incredibly skilled in his abilities to correct his little girl. You read my blog enough that you should see the following: Professor & I connected on a level that I had not ever previously experienced.....ever, not even with my husband, The Marine, did I have a connection so solid in this. Everything from the way he looks at me, the way he speaks to me, the way he corrects & spanks me, the way he advises me, his body language, facial expressions, the man's commanding presence, his overwhelming dominance.......EVERYTHING about him speaks to my inner submissive core. It is not possible to improve on perfection. I have what I want, I have what I need and I am damn lucky to have found both in one intelligent, demanding, caring, bestest spanker, Disciplinarian & friend in the whole world, perfectly strict package. I am HIS. So, again, NO crazy stalker man.....the answer is NO.

Question #4: Will you send me a picture Natalie?
Answer: I'm in a generous mood today so I suppose I will give you at least one YES. I will absolutely send you a picture. However, being that you are a crazy, obsessed, stalker freak with no hobbies and unlimited time to flood my inbox with email......I have a feeling that if I sent you a picture of myself, my Professor would likely beat me to death......I'd rather not force him to do that...lol. ;)  So, yes I will send you a picture......which would you prefer.......a tombstone? a pair of handcuffs? a cyber crimes information booklet? You let me know which picture will work best for you......I obviously have my favorite, but I promised to write this reply as a good girl. :)

To My Readers

To all of you who read my blog and send me messages.....thank you. I am glad you enjoy reading my posts. I am working pretty hard in a lot of my free time to transplant stories of past sessions with my Marine that I had wrote years ago to this blog. As well as of course adding new stories as my & Professor's relationship grows and evolves. I appreciate your patience with the time it has taken me to get into a good groove of posting all of this......I truly do enjoy my writing and have made it a priority to fit into my hectic life, parenting, multiple jobs, academics, etc. Busy girl.....but I promise I wont neglect all of you. :)

Also, thank you for the messages everyone.....I had not realized until reading them that there was a block on comments on this blog.......I changed that setting now so you can all comment all you would like to. I will work on answering the questions several of you have emailed to me in upcoming posts. I also received suggestions for stories or perhaps future sessions that some of you would love to read about......I do write quite a bit of fiction and role plays and have several stories that I will work to put on this blog that I have written in the past. I have just been focusing lately on posting all the real life accounts of sessions. And as for the suggestions.....I will forward those that I think may be interesting to Professor for his review and if he so chooses, we may just use them.

Several of you have also emailed me asking about audio or video clips of Professor & I sessions. It is a topic he and I have discussed briefly and something I think both of us have considered. I will speak with him again about the possibility and perhaps after our next session, I will add an audio or video to accompany the story. :)

Happy Spanko Girl :)

Every spanko girl has a list of fantasies or role plays she wants to fulfill. Probably on the list of the majority of us naughty girls is being spanked at school......and that one has topped my list forever. Now, I can finally check it off the list.....well perhaps not check it off completely, I'd kind of like to rewind & repeat....and repeat.....and repeat :) Okay you get the point, mission accomplished for this naughty spanko girl :)

My weekend has been intense.....on many levels. It began yesterday, Friday the 13th, with a very serious lesson on my intentionally disobeying Professor and making an ignorant & dangerous decision earlier in the week. I paid for that ridiculous error in judgement......and it came with a pretty steep price tag. Lesson learned.....back to being a good girl. Then some time to talk and an abrupt reminder on the importance of my studying.

After Professor left, I studied for about 3 hours before going out with a group of friends. We went to a few different bars and had a great time......drinking, laughing, dancing, and just spending time together and enjoying it. About 130am or so we left the last bar and went back to the hotel I was staying at and another friend had decided to check in to as well. More drinking, more laughing, more acting like idiots.....and one genius decided to film a majority of this so I still have my fingers crossed it does not end up on YouTube......if it does, I suppose I'll have something else to blog about....lol.

Everything died down around 4am and I fell asleep. I normally do not sleep very well when I'm away from home, but somehow drifted into a pretty deep sleep.....I assume it was a mixture of being tired, a little alcohol sleep aid, a fun night with friends and an overwhelmingly peaceful heart & mind knowing that Professor & I were back to normal. The last 5 days I'd slept very little because I was so upset with myself for what I had done and nervous about having to answer to Professor for it. I hate to disappoint him and would be willing to do anything to fix what I've done wrong so he will forgive me and I can again, be his good girl. So a nice mixture of all the aforementioned influences and a very sore bottom helped lull me to sleep......on my stomach.

 I woke in a panic as my phone blared out a ringtone I am all too familiar with.....my Professor's ringtone. I grabbed my phone and saw it was 745am, he was IMing me. My head was throbbing as I tried to open Yahoo Messenger to shut my phone up. I smiled at his messages; he was giving me directions to where I could meet him for lunch. I replied and laid back down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and smiling from ear to ear. "Amazing." I said out loud and then reached for some Motrin I had placed on the night stand the night before in anticipation of this pounding in my head. I stayed in bed another 20 minutes or so and then got up and jumped into the shower.

About 1030am I left the hotel and drove to meet with Professor. I arrived first and sat outside the restaurant and returned a call from a colleague who needed my opinion on a tough patient that he couldn't seem to find the diagnosis for. I spoke with him a few minutes and ran over possibilities and then looking up, I saw Professor crossing the parking lot toward me. He smiled at me and I hung up my phone and stood to greet him with a hug. "You never smile" he said as he pulled me close. "I do selectively" I laughed and we walked in to get our lunch.

We stood behind other customers and he said, "Have you ever tried a falafel or a gyro?" I looked up at him and replied, "No Sir. Wait, isn't a gyro a lamb?" He looked down at me and laughed at the look of concern on my face. "Yes, very tasty baby lambs." I rolled my eyes at him, "Professor you can't eat lambs, they're so cute." He laughed again as the employee gave us each a piece of falafel to try. I looked up at Professor inquisitively before tasting it, as if he could read my mind he again laughed and said, "No Natalie, it is not a lamb. It isn't meat, it is a staple of middle eastern cuisine and it is actually really good. Try it." I am a very picky eater.....and I don't eat anything 'cute'. I smiled at him and took a bite, he was right, it was pretty good. Really good actually.....I ended up ordering a vegetarian wrap with just the falafel and cucumbers, tomato & lettuce.....no cute meat. :)

We walked across the parking lot to the quad and sat together on a bench eating our wraps and talking. Several buses drove by and herds of high school kids were walking around the campus, I made a comment about them and he smiled and said, "I suppose I should be nice, they do pay my salary." I laughed and replied, "Just not too nice Professor." His campus is beautiful. Old stone buildings against green, manicured lawns. It was a pretty perfect day.....and a pretty perfect lunch.....and pretty perfect company. We talked about our kids, work, school, life......a little bit of everything. I love talking with this man. Intelligence is so nice to find in a man. Lol. I do a lot of 'tolerating' ignorant men in my life, finding one that can challenge me intellectually, makes me a very happy girl. :)

After we finished our lunch, we walked around so he could give me a proper tour of his campus. Ending at his building. I got to see his classrooms, labs and finally, his office. At least now I can completely picture the scene when he is lecturing me on the phone in his office......that happens to be a far too frequent occurrence.

I stood in his office, looking at the figurines and pictures on his shelves. "Professor, I thought you don't like to travel?" I asked. "I don't. Most of those are gifts from my students, the majority of them are foreign." He answered as he closed the door behind us. A picture of his family caught my eye. He pointed out his children and I told him even his dog was cute, would be much cuter if it was a wiener dog, but still cute. Lol. :) He smiled and then took a cane in his hands that had been hanging at the end of the shelf.

I bit the corner of my bottom lip and looked up at him with a pout. He narrowed his eyes at me and smiled, then pulled a chair to the center of the room. "Pants down to your knees young lady, bend over the back of the chair." My face felt hot, I knew I was blushing as I slid my jean capris and panties down my legs and bent over the back of the chair, palms flat against the cushion.

"Did you study last night, Natalie Lynn?" His voice behind me making me jump. This man saying my middle name in that tone of voice always makes my heart race. "Yes Sir, I did for a few hours." He paced behind me, "And then?" he questioned. "Umm....and then I didn't Sir.....but I will." Bending over the chair, my eyes darting around the room, my stomach doing flip flops, my bottom tingling in anticipation. "Yes you will little girl." He tapped the cane lightly to my bottom, I drew in a sharp breath.

THWACK THWACK THWACK

Three strokes instantly causing searing, red welts to raise up on my freshly punished bottom.

THWACK THWACK THWACK

I whimpered and squeezed the cushion. My mind racing. I'm not certain why this at all surprised me, but I was actually rather impressed with how well Professor can apply cane strokes. Very methodically......much the same way he whips me or straps me. Very firm, well placed strokes applied one after the next.

THWACK THWACK THWACK

The next three bit into my upper thighs and very sore sit spots. I flinched at the sensation. A sharp bite radiating to a deeper sting as he continued to accurately place groupings of angry, red lines across his little girl's bottom and thighs.

THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK

I drew in a quick breath. I'd expected only 3 and he firmly applied 5 quick, stinging strokes. "Stand up and turn the chair around, then back over it." His deep, commanding voice reaching directly to my submissive core as I quickly rose up and immediately did as he had instructed. My mind filled with a mixture of excitement and panic as I realized my bottom was now facing the window while I stood there bent over the back of the chair, my pants bunched up below my knees, a naughty girl being punished in her Professor's office. He tapped the cane to my bottom again and his right hand stroked my hair as he spoke, "You are going to be studying for this exam on a regular basis, aren't you little girl?" My lips curved into a smile as I answered, "Yes Sir." That was it.......straight to subspace......his voice, his choice of wording, his touch, the cool air on my bottom, the cane lightly tapping & teasing it's target, my face hot, his commanding & strict presence, his overwhelming dominance pulling at my submissive core.......ahh, subspace. :)

THWACK THWACK THWACK

I tilted up onto my tip toes and he took that opportunity to focus the next volley of strokes on my thighs

THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK

I bit my lower lip and softly whimpered

THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK

Amazing how something so small, so thin can cause such an intense sting

THWACK THWACK THWACK THWACK

"Twelve more, young lady. Count them out loud." His voice shaking me back to the moment, sending a tingle down my spine and eliciting a soft response, "Yes Sir."

THWACK

"One Sir"

THWACK

"Two Sir"

THWACK

"Three Sir"

THWACK

"Mmm...Four Sir"  I whimpered the count as the last stroke bit into my very sore sit spot, still extremely tender from my punishment spanking yesterday afternoon.

THWACK

"Five Sir."

THWACK

"Six Sir."

THWACK

"Seven Sir."

THWACK

"Eight Sir."

THWACK

"N...Nine Sir."  Each stroke seeming to sting more than the last, causing me to tense up and draw in a quick breath. He tapped the cane lightly to my upper thighs....teasingly

THWACK

"Ten Sir" My voice trailing off after the count. That stroke biting in to my thighs, exactly as he had intended.

THWACK

"Eleven Sir." The next stroke falling just an inch lower than the last. Tapping the cane to my bottom, my thighs, my sit spots......high, then low.....teasing me and leaving my mind wondering where the final stroke would fall.

THWACK

"Twelve Sir" The last stroke biting harshly again into my tender sit spots and causing my body to jerk as I threw my head back to gasp for breath while the stinging sunk in.

I stayed in position, bent over the back of the chair. Concentrating on the new sore welts that had just lovingly been applied to my already properly punished naughty bottom. I could feel Professor's eyes on me, admiring his work......like an artist stepping back from his canvas to inspect his new masterpiece. Then his touch, his fingers tracing the lines that now criss crossed my bottom and thighs. His cool touch as he traced them again causing a sting and tingle. Then his strong hands rubbing gently each cheek. I smiled and closed my eyes, I love his touch.

He patted my bottom and spoke, "Pull your pants up." I stood up and slowly slid my capris back up over my newly caned bottom; then flipped my hair back out of my face and looked up at him. He smiled down at me, "Now my naughty little girl can say she has been caned at school in her Professor's office." I smiled and hugged him, "Thank you Sir."

One Drink...Several Offenses

04/13/2012

Driving down to meet with Professor this morning, I was more nervous than I had ever been before meeting with him. I knew I was in trouble. I knew I was going to be punished.....hard. I've attributed this unnerving hesitation I am feeling to a couple things: #1: Professor & I haven't talked much at all this week.....only a few quick emails or IMs, no phone calls, no lengthy discussions....he has been immersed in his work, trying to complete a huge project. We normally talk A LOT more than we have the last week and because of this decline in communication, I am feeling really distant from him. #2: I blogged about this earlier in the week (This Sucks) and I've felt horrible all week for what I did. I ordered one drink when my mood was off on Monday.....but that one drink was the one drink I am not allowed to have, period. So not only had I broken a rule, it was a rule put in place to protect my health.....and I intentionally disregarded it. I thought twice and then silenced that voice in my head and went ahead and did what I wanted to in the moment. I knew I'd have to answer to him for it.......but not until after I had the drink did I realize that this was no small slip up. Barring the serious health ramifications, this was still HUGE. I deliberately disobeyed Professor.....and I have never done that. I was intentionally defiant toward him and a rule he had set for me. And by doing that, I had disrespected him.


Yeah, so safe to say this is an enormous slip up and it was done deliberately. I have felt horrible all week. I love seeing Professor and spending time with him, but I am dreading this meeting more than any other punishment session. My stomach is in knots. Tears spill out onto my cheeks as I drive. My mind is racing and my heart equally rapid. I *hate* to disappoint this man. I respect him immensely and I am so ashamed of myself for making that one ignorant decision. I know he is not happy with me and I know I've let him down.....and that hurts.


Paying attention to the speed limit along my drive, being careful to ignore incoming calls & texts so I dont do anything else stupid along the drive to face him. When I finally arrive at the hotel, I check in and then text him the room number. We have met at this hotel before and my carelessness during that session was of epic proportions and oh my goodness did I ever pay for it. So, this time, I am focused to make sure history doesn't repeat itself. I get an extra key and leave it for him on my windshield. Carefully lay out all of my implements on top of the dresser for him. Then, still extremely worked up into a panic, I try to calm myself down by studying for the huge exam I have in about 6 weeks......that I have neglected to study for until now.


I turn on my MP3 player on my smart phone and lie on the floor, with my legs stretched up the wall in a relaxing Yoga position that helps (normally) to calm the mind and body. Darn Yoga......it aint working today.  I scan the study guide in my hand and attempt to absorb any tiny piece of the information, all the while my mind drowning in a panic knowing he is on his way and I am in big trouble.


I had thought he would text when he arrived, as he usually does, so I continued to read and jam to my music. I am so caught up in my own flooded mind that I hadn't even heard the door be unlocked. I am made aware of his commanding presence when his deep, steady voice shakes me from my reading. Still lying on the floor, I turn my head and see him standing just inside the door. I fumble for my phone to turn the music off as he addresses me. "Stand up." I rise to my feet and steal quick glances at him, as I fumble with my phone, scanning his body language, facial expressions, rate of breathing. He is *NOT* happy with me and the air in the room feels suddenly thick enough to cut with a knife.


"Turn it off, now." I quickly press the power button on my phone as I respond, "Yes Sir, I am. I'm sorry." I sit my phone, now off, down on the dresser and stand in the middle of the room, clasping my hands together in front of me. I feel so small, so incredibly small. Professor has that effect on me, and he knows it. Typically a loud, bubbly, out-spoken, confident, social girl.....when I am with him, and I am in trouble, all of that confidence flees and I feel so very small. My eyes darting around the room......floor, walls, drapes.....anywhere but his face. I do not want to see that look on his face.


"So, Natalie Lynn, I had to come over here today, in the middle of this project that I should be working the entire weekend on to finish, I had to come here today and take time away from my work to address what you did Monday. You couldn't behave yourself this week. If you had been good, I could have been focusing on my work this weekend, as I should be, and seen you Monday. But, you had to misbehave and what you did was serious enough that it required my immediate attention. Why dont we start by you telling me what it is I am referring to, young lady." I am nervously chewing on the corner of my lower lip and fighting to hold back the tears I am certain are going to escape at any time. He is standing about three feet from me, his hands on his hips in that typical angry paternal stance.


I swallow several times and try to find my voice before replying. "I umm, I drank a Long Island Iced Tea, Sir." He sighs audibly and speaks again, his voice unmistakable frustration mixed with disappointment and a pinch of anger for good measure. "Look at me when I speak to you. Tell me, Natalie Lynn, why would that require my immediate attention?" I blink back tears and hesitantly glance up at him. His jaw clenched, his eyes....those dark chocolate brown eyes, not their typical warm & inviting....those eyes are deep, cold, penetrating. "Because I am not allowed to drink them Sir." He interrupts me before I can continue, "Who is over there? We have been together to address your behavior several times, this is not new to you little girl. You *will* look at ME when I am speaking to you, got it?" I look at him as I whisper, "Yes Sir. I'm sorry."


"Why are you not allowed to drink them? Who's said it is not allowed?" I fight the urge to turn away from him, his gaze when I am in trouble is all business....firm, intent, unnerving....I hate knowing I have made him look at me like that, and I want nothing more than to turn away to escape it, but his tone of voice with that last warning tells me he is not going to remind me again to look at him, so I fight back the urge and look up at him as I speak. "I am not allowed to drink them because it is dangerous with my heart medication Sir. And you, Sir told me that it is not allowed again." He narrows his eyes at me, "I did.....hmmm.....tell me Natalie Lynn, did I say you could have just one?" I shake my head and answer, "No Sir." He sighs, "Did I say if you were in a bad mood then it would be okay to drink one? Or that the rule I set for you was in any way optional or open for interpretation?" I shake my head again and whisper, "No Sir."


He crosses his arms across his chest and begins to pace, slowly circling me as he speaks. "So, Monday, knowing it was dangerous and knowing if you did it, you would be deliberately disobeying me. You would be defying me. You chose to order that drink. You chose to drink it. You knew what the right thing to do would be and you ignored it and did, YET AGAIN, what Natalie wanted to do in the moment. Correct?" I jump as he raises his voice, emphasizing the point that I have again intentionally done something wrong. I nod my head and offer a "Yes Sir." He stops directly in front of me, and stares down into my green eyes, "I see. That is indeed a very good reason for interrupting my work. Go put your nose in the corner."


I slowly walk to the corner and lock my fingers together behind my head, elbows on the wall, closing my eyes to hold back the tears filling them. He is walking around behind me, I hear him grabbing and testing the sting of several implements against his strong hand. My mind filled with regret and self lecture as I stand there. I wonder why I did this, what is wrong with me, why would I ignore his rules, why would I test him, why would I risk so much. I knew he was busy with work, and I had wanted only to help him and here I was making it worse. Taking his time away from his work, upsetting him, worrying him, disappointing him. I wish so hard that I could just go back 4 days and have a do-over. I wish I hadn't ordered that drink, I wish I had listened to that voice.


"Turn around and look at me young lady." His voice startling me, only inches from the back of my head. I turn and am face to face with him. I nervously pull at my fingers, cracking my knuckles.....and slowly look up at him. "I wonder if we have a bigger problem here." I'm confused and not sure to what he is referring, but I listen intently as he continues. "We have spoken multiple times about you translating what you know is right in your head to doing what is right in your actions. You have been punished for it several times. I had thought perhaps Monday was just another slip up on that front. But thinking about it now, knowing you did think twice but then chose to ignore it. You knew it would be disobedience, you knew it would defy me, you knew I'd be upset, you knew it would be disrespectful.....but yet you did it anyway." He pauses and narrows his eyes at me. I blink several times but do not turn away. "Knowing you thought about all of that and did it anyway makes this worse. Far worse. It makes me wonder if you truly do respect me and what I say to you at all. I could very easily take that defiance as you not respecting me and thinking this is some sort of a game to you. I am not unreasonable and I dont give you many rules at all. The rules I do give you are for your own good and well thought out. I dont dictate arbitrarily or without concern for your happiness. But when I set a rule of this importance, you chose.....YOU CHOSE....to disregard it and disregard me. That could very easily say to me that this is a game to you, that you do not take me seriously, that you do not respect me and that this is not going to work. Do you see that?"


I break eye contact with him for a moment and look down while registering the magnitude of what he has just said to me and searching for the right words. I look back up at him, my eyes swelling with tears, I open my mouth to reply but nothing comes out. His eyes again narrow and he speaks again, "You intentionally defied me. Just figured oh well it is just a spanking. I'll do what I want. It would be very easy for me to take that as you not caring and this not going to be able to work. But..." He pauses a minute and stares into my eyes, tucking his hand under my chin and raising my face before continuing, "I think that you do respect me. Am I right?" I speak, barely audibly, "Yes Sir." Our eyes locked with one another's, he folds his arms across his chest again and speaks, "I believe you do respect me. I am going to chalk this up to you being set in old habits and not focusing enough or working hard enough to break those habits. I am going to believe that we do not have a serious problem right now with you playing a game in defying me and disregarding the things I say to you. I will see this as a slip up of an old habit, or tendency to be naughty and not as outright disrespect and a game you're playing. But.....you are going to be punished for what you did.....it is going to be a very hard lesson.....understood?" I nod my head and offer a, "Yes Sir. Thank you for understanding that it is hard but I am trying. I *do* respect you Sir." I am on the verge of breaking down, until he started this lecture, I hadn't thought at all that he could take what I did as me intentionally being disrespectful and playing a game with him. Though I know I was deliberately disobedient when my mood was off, I hadn't even realized the disrespect it would shown to him until after I had finished that drink. I dont ever want to disrespect him, ever. I respect him immensely and look up to him. I want to please him, make him proud of me. I replay his words again and again in my head, letting the severity of the implications register in my mind and in my heart. I think he could see the worry on my face, the sincerity, the regret......his eyes softened for a brief moment. Less than a second, but I saw it. He believed me and he knew I felt truly awful for disrespecting him. Until I saw that quick flash of his eyes, I was scared......truly scared that he wouldn't believe me, that he questioned my respect for him.....so scared.....but when I saw his eyes soften, if even for a split second, I knew it would be okay, I knew 'we' would be okay and able to move past this.


His eyes immediately returned to that cold, demanding, determined stare of a resolved disciplinarian, here to hold his little girl accountable. "Pants down to your knees now." I stood to his left side and slowly unbuttoned and slid my jeans down as he sat in the chair and began to slowly, methodically roll up the sleeve on his left arm. This has become as much a ritual in our sessions as corner time or the spanking itself. It knots my stomach every time I see it, but in some strange way, perhaps deeper than nerves, it is almost reassuring to me. 77% of all communication is non-verbal......Professor is a very thorough lecturer, but it is the moments like this when he says so much more to me. The moments in time when Im standing to his side, a sorry little girl about to be soundly spanked.......when he is rolling his sleeve, or patting his lap, or reaching for my arm to guide me across his knees......it is all of this that communicates on a much deeper level. Though I am nervous about the punishment itself, these little non-verbal statements somehow almost soothe me. It tells me that though I have been bad, though I have screwed up, though I have let him down.....he loves me anyway, he wants better & will teach me better, he cares enough to hold me accountable, I am *his* little girl and he will not allow certain behaviors from *his* little girl.

"Over my knee young lady" He instructed as he reached to take hold of my wrist and guide me across his lap. He rested his hand on my panty clad bottom and spoke again as I laid there staring at the floor, my hair blanketing the carpet beneath me, my bottom tingling at his touch. "What you did Monday was bad for three reasons and you'll be punished for each of them. Number one, it was dangerous to your health and you being cavalier about your safety is not something I will tolerate. Clear?" I nodded my head and answered him, "Yes Sir."

SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
It still surprises me every time how quickly his hands do this transformation.......the same soft hands that stroke my hair or gently rub my bottom so quickly change to hard, heavy, stinging implements when he is spanking my bottom. Much like the change in his eyes or his face from the kind, caring man with a great sense of humor to the determined, resolved, grim, penetrating stare of an irritated Disciplinarian intent on correcting his girl.

SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
"You will not endanger your health or safety. Clear?"  SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK
"Yes Sir." I answer and hold my breath in anticipation of the next round of stinging swats. "Up, bring me the bathbrush." I slide off of his lap and walk over to the dresser to retrieve that darn brush. I know from his selecting the bathbrush instead of my hairbrush that he is very serious and equally determined to give me a damn good reason to not repeat this offense.

I extend my hand to offer him the brush and then lay back over his lap. He moved his legs further apart, leaving me barely touching the floor with my toes and lifting my bottom up to the perfect OTK paddling position. SWAT SWAT SWAT  The first few swats take my breath away, hard swats delivered close together, giving me no time to brace for the next. "I will not tolerate dangerous behavior out of you."  SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT  I bite my lower lip to keep from whimpering. I hate this brush. It is heavy and packs an amazingly powerful punch. SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT  I cross my ankles to keep from kicking as he continues to paddle my bottom with that awful brush.  SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT  I start to whimper out loud and fight to remain still because I know I deserve this.

"And I will never tolerate blatant disrespect or deliberate defiance from my little girl." His choice of wording is deliberate and has the intended effect.....my heart now hurting as much as my quickly-reddening bottom. He rests the brush on my lower back and slides his fingers under the waistband of my panties and pulls them down to my knees. Then just as quickly he started rapidly spanking again with the brush, this time not only covering my bottom, but paying attention to my upper thighs as well.  SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT SWAT  I close my eyes to keep my tears from falling to the floor below me and tense up trying to brace for each swat and fighting the urge to kick or squirm free. "You disobeying me after thinking about it disappoints me and made me wonder if you respect me and what I say to you Natalie Lynn." I lay over his lap and try to slow my breathing and continue to blink back the tears that keep filling my eyes as his words again reach deep into my heart. "Kneel down here in front of me."

I slide off his lap again and kneel directly in front of him, my eyes locked on the floor. "Look at me Natalie Lynn. I believe you do respect me and I believe you are sorry for what you did Monday, but I need to hear that from you." I slowly raise my face and look up into his eyes, hoping I can speak without breaking down in sobs. I've wanted to apologize over and over since he came through that door and I saw that look on his face. I wanted to run to his arms that second and hug him tightly and apologize for what I'd done. As badly as I'd wanted to say I was sorry since we began, I'd also told myself I couldn't....not yet. I needed to submit to him, I needed to accept my punishment as I know he expects of me and I knew that meant biting my tongue no matter how difficult it was because I am not allowed to speak unless I am spoken to when Im being punished. I can answer his questions with 'yes Sir' or 'no Sir' but nothing more and I can not address him unless he has given me permission to do so. Now, finally, he had given me that opportunity and I struggled to find my voice as I looked into his steely, determined eyes.

"I am so sorry for disobeying you. I truly do respect you Sir. I'm so very sorry." My eyes locked with his, pleading silently that he believes the sincerity of my words. "Back to the corner." I stood and shuffled back to the corner, hands on my head, elbows to the wall, my jeans and panties bunched at my ankles now. I feel him behind me and press my face closer to the wall. His strong hand touches my head, then slowly rubs down the length of my hair. Again and again, softly stroking as I tilt my head toward his touch, my eyes closed, breathing slowed. "I believe you. I know you are sorry and I'm pretty certain it wont happen again. But I'm not nearly finished punishing you for this." His voice somewhat softer, but still a markedly firm tone. "Thank you Sir." My mind somehow more calm, I didn't care in that moment if he whipped me all day long....I knew I probably deserved it anyway.....but as long as he believed me, as long as he knew I was sorry and I do respect him.....that was all that mattered to me. His words and his touch had reassured me in that moment that we were okay and he knew I was sincere in my apology.

"I want you to put the pillows in the center of the bed and lie over them." I turned from the wall and quickly walked to the bed to do as I was instructed. After placing 2 pillows in a stack, I crawled onto the bed and laid over them. I could hear him walking behind me and waited to find out what implement he had chosen. I did not hear that distinctive jingle of his belt buckle which made my mind begin to drown in a panic, knowing if not his belt then the only other implements he used with this position were rubber straps. I laid my head down on the back of my arms and waited for the first of what I knew would be many swats.

CRACK  My body jumped as that swat fell hard on my upper thighs. It wasn't his belt......but it wasn't the rubber strap.....it wasn't the rubber looped strap......what was that awful sting??? I knew it had to be leather because of the bite and then burning......but this was heavier than his belt. Then it came to me.......he had to be using the heavy leather strap. He had not yet used this implement on me.......actually, though I have had this strap in my collection for a few years, it had never once been used. CRACK CRACK CRACK  Each swat seemed to fall harder than the last. It hurt.....a lot. I grabbed the pillow in front of me and buried my face into it.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  He walked from one side of the bed to the other, delivering a half dozen or so harsh, unforgiving swats each time.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  Professor always whips me the same way, whether he is using his belt, a strap, the looped rubber strap.......very firm swats, placed one after the next, deliberately, methodically. He will pause for a few seconds to walk to the other side of the bed or inspect his work but then again start strapping me with purpose.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  My knuckles white from the death grip I had on that pillow. My bottom on fire......every awful swat falling on already tender skin, placing angry red stripes up and down my bottom and thighs.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  I crossed my ankles to keep from kicking........oh how I wanted to kick my legs every time that thick, heavy leather strap bit into my bottom.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK   "You will not ever get away with disobeying me young lady. Understood?"  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  I tilted my head to the side to answer him, "Yes Sir." My voice trailing off as I quickly buried my face back into the pillow.  CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK  Several more harsh swats found their mark before he spoke again. "Back to the corner."

I rested my forehead to the cool plaster and tried to steady my ragged breathing while concentrating hard on the awful burn in my bottom. "I want you to bring the chair over here and bend over the back of it, hands flat against the cushion young lady." Those words making my heart sink......I knew with those instructions that he was going to paddle me now. I fought back the urge to beg him not to paddle me but I knew it would be useless to whine, I knew I deserved it and I knew if I opened my mouth it would only backfire. I slid the chair to the place he pointed and then followed his directions, bending over the back of the chair and gripping the cushion hard. "This paddling is for you choosing to do something you knew was wrong. We have discussed this before and you have been punished for it. You knew what was right but refused to do it....AGAIN. Which means Natalie Lynn, that I have to repeat this lesson to you yet again, and we both know how much I love repeating myself. Obviously the last time we discussed this I did not punish you hard enough so now I will make sure you learn this lesson because if I have to repeat this to you again young lady, it will only get worse each time. Clear?" I sighed and whispered, "Yes Sir."

WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  Four harsh swats ignited a fire on the right side of my bottom. Before I could catch my breath....  WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  Four fell just as quickly on the left. I raised up onto my tippy toes hoping to escape the burn, apparently this position presented my sit spots as his next target  WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  Four more to each side, biting into my sit spots and then.... WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  my right thigh.....WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  and my left. I hung my head down, dizzy with the pain, desperately trying to remain in position because I knew if I moved we would start again. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  Half a dozen harsh swats connected quickly with the right side. I whimpered and a half dozen quickly fell on the left. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  I wanted so badly to rub the sting out, to block those horrible swats, to move, to cry......but I could do nothing but stand bent over that chair as he paddled my naughty bottom. I have not ever been disciplined by a man who has complete control of my mind, my body and my heart in scene.....never. It is overwhelming. With my husband at times I would move, try to block a swat, cry out or wiggle away when the pain was intense........I can not do that with Professor. I want to at times but I simply cant. It is as if he is holding me there.......mentally restraining me.......it is something I love and yet something I hate. I can not explain it, the way I feel in a session with this man.....it isnt something I have ever experienced before. I have absolutely no control. It is intoxicating and at the same time terrifying.  WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  Another half dozen hard swats add to the growing inferno that is now my bottom. I whimper again and drop my head, completely submitting to my paddling, giving up hope of escaping. WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  My right thigh throbbing as he firmly places four more, then the left  WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK   "You will translate what you know is right from your head to your actions, am I clear?"  I try to speak while sucking in air. "Yessss Sirrr." He sat the paddle down and directed me back to the corner.

I stood in the corner, replaying his lecture like a broken record in my mind. I could feel his gaze upon me. I could not see him but I knew he was watching me struggle to remain still in the corner, fighting with myself and shuffling from foot to foot trying to escape the burning in my bottom but not stupid enough to rub. "You may pull your pants up and come over here so we can talk." I slid my panties and jeans back up very gently over my bottom and joined him at the table.

We again discussed the health risks of what I had done and he listened to my nonsense reasons for disregarding medical advice.....and then very quickly and sternly called me on the absolute lack of logic in that choice. I couldn't argue with him, he was right and I knew it......so we have a new understanding of how I will accept and utilize the advice of my doctors and/or co-workers when it is needed. I gave him my word I would stop being so stubborn on this front, and I meant it. Then he mentioned the way I speak to my co-workers, among others, on a regular basis. Darn Yahoo Messenger has unfortunately sent Professor IM's filled with abrasive, vulgar and condescending messages intended for other people. I've always been just a bit confrontational and Professor will call me on it every time he sees one of those messages. I was actually fairly certain that I wouldn't ever care to change the way I speak to other people......it doesn't bother me at all, especially if I know I am right, unless one of those IMs ends up popping up for Professor.....then I care. When I told him I hate that he gets the IMs, obviously me focusing more on the technical issue with Yahoo than my inappropriate conduct, he stopped me with, "A lot of the time you're right in what you're arguing but the way you say it ends up making it a fight. Then it is more about the fight, not the issue you are right about. Every time I see one of those messages I cringe and think, 'that is my little girl talking to other people like that' and it upsets me to read it." I looked up at him, our eyes again engaging one another's and his choice of wording again straight to my heart. "You can win by being right and being polite in debating your point." I shook my head and replied, "Yes Sir."

He smiled at me and then asked about my studying for my MCAT's. Uh oh! I explained to him that I have to take the test in 6 weeks and I haven't studied in the last 6 months I have had to do it. I knew this wouldn't go well.....the man is an educator. He looked at me and said one word, "Why?" I started rambling off every reason I had been using to procrastinate and somehow dropped in the phrase "I just haven't been motivated to do it." As soon as the words left my lips I wanted to retract them. He stood up and walked toward the dresser and I immediately dropped my head, my stomach knotting again. He returned and sat the rubber looped strap on top of my study guides. "Look at me." I swallowed hard and hesitantly looked up at him. "You are not being punished for not studying.....yet. Because I know you will be studying now, and I will make sure you are motivated to do it clear?" I bit the corner of my bottom lip and whispered "Yes Sir." He narrowed his eyes at me then spoke again.......his voice not angry but very firm. "Back over the pillows, pants down." I looked at him pleadingly but was met with a determined glare. I lowered my eyes and said "yes Sir" as I walked over to the foot of the bed. I slid my pants down again and crawled across the pillows, holding a pillow to my face and turning away from him so I wouldn't see it coming. "You need to take this seriously. You need to study, find out what you need to know and study so you're prepared for this exam. You set this goal and I will help you reach it. If you keep procrastinating and do poorly on the exam, you will be disappointing yourself and you will be disappointing me."  WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK  Ten fast, stinging, firm swats bit into my bottom and thighs as my body tensed up and I squeezed that pillow to death. "Look at me" I hesitantly looked up at him, his eyes meeting mine, "Feeling motivated to study?" he asked with not even a hint of sarcasm. I nodded my head yes quickly and muttered "yes Sir." He smiled at me, "Good. You may get up and pull your pants back up. I am going to be checking on you the next 6 weeks to see how the studying is going Natalie. If you start procrastinating again, we will be having a lengthy looped strap accompanied discussion about the importance of your studying, understood?" I quickly pulled my pants back up and said "Yes Sir, I promise I'll study."

 He smiled again and reached for me, "Come here" I rushed to him and hugged him tightly............that is all I had wanted to do from the second he walked into the room.........and now, after I had paid for my misbehavior.....after he corrected me......after I was properly punished and contrite.......finally, I got my hug.  :)