One Stupid Choice........
Okay, I screwed up. No I *really* screwed up. I did something stupid. No, ignorant.....*really* ignorant. What the hell is wrong with me? I know better and I knew better when I did it.....but did it stop me from doing it??? Nope, ofcourse not. Impulsive Natalie won out again and did what she damn well wanted to do without regard for the consequences. Once again allowing a poor mood to dictate my actions and end up getting myself in really big trouble.......this is probably as serious as it could get on the severity of trouble scale. Yep a definitely risky and down right ignorant choice.
Ughhh.....the consequences. I do not even want to think about the spanking this is going to get me. This is going to be a bad one. Worse? I don't want to see the look this little slip-up will put on my Disciplinarian's face. I wonder if he would let me wear a blindfold and ear plugs to my punishment session for this??? Yes that would work perfectly.....I wouldn't have to see or hear his disappointment. Ughhh.....not likely that this will happen.....actually I think I have a better chance of being struck by lightening.....like a dozen times. Disappointment......God I *hate* that word. But, I am a smart girl and I'm relatively certain what I did will garner that response from Professor. Well that (disappointment).....and worry, and concern, and anger. Yep, Im screwed.
I didnt even want to tell him. I couldn't find my voice to even call him to confess. I gave a vague apology through IM, when Professor asked what I did, I told him I couldnt tell him.....that didnt work out well, never does. I told him.....I always tell him, even though it scared me to have to tell him something I know will anger him. He is not happy with me.....not even close. I'd even venture to say he is beyond pissed off at me right now. I wish now I would have called him, even if I would have gotten a harsh lecture, I know hearing his voice *after* the lecture would help to ease my worry until we are together in person to address it. I hate to tell him dumb shit like this. Why? Well, because I know better. We have talked about this. I know how he felt, I know the rule he put in place regarding the matter and I knew it wouldn't be overlooked if I chose to break the rule. Somehow, I still did it. I am surprised at myself. I want nothing more than to please him but yet when in a pissy mood I allow myself to do something that I know is going to infuriate him???
In the process of this little mistake.....I have broken several more important things......very important......like 4 of the 5 D's in a D/s or DD relationship. Disobedience, Defiance, Dangerous, Dishonest, Disrespectful. Yep knocked off all but the dishonest with this one. Great job right? Ughhh. What the hell is wrong with me? I know better. It is not that I can not drink at all....well I may not be able to after this little stunt.....but I can't drink the one drink that I usually opt to have. It is dangerous because of the alcohol content and my heart meds (if you've read blog entries of sessions with me & my Marine, you'd see this is not a new issue).....and I know this. My Marine husband was probably more strict with me on this rule than on anything else....ever. And I knew if I pushed too much, my Professor would end up being the same way. But did that make me behave? Obviously not or this blog entry would not be necessary.
I can't do it.....it is truly dangerous.....like playing Russian roulette every time I do it. I've known it for quite a while and Professor told me to take it off of my list entirely of what I thought was acceptable. "Listen carefully Natalie Lynn, I promise you will not ever want me to have to repeat this to you. No more....not even one.....ever. Do you understand me young lady?" Yep.....he made it crystal clear.....but I refused to listen to that 'think twice' voice and I did it anyway. By choosing to order that one damn drink I deliberately disobeyed him. Because I thought about it before I did it & knew better but did it anyway, I was defiant. Deliberate disobedience and defiance is absolutely disrespectful. So there you go, 4 of the top 5. Ughhh.
I felt exactly like this when I broke the speeding rule just days after he punished me for it. I've got the same thoughts filling my head now as I did then. Am I just used to doing it so I didnt realize I had until after? Did I just not care? Worse.....did I do it subconsciously to test him? To see what would happen if I deliberately defied him? To find out how firm he would stand his ground on this issue? Pretty dumb.....if that was the reasoning, subconsciously or not, it was beyond stupid. I know damn well what will happen and I am not looking forward to it. I don't want to have to face him for this. I am a mess right now.
I'm worried.....I'm scared.....I'm angry at myself for doing it.....I'm still completely shocked that I did it in the first place. And for what? Because it was good? Because I liked it? But was it good enough to be worth what it is going to end up costing me.....uh, NO....nowhere even close to being worth that. Temptation sucks......giving in to it is even worse. I hate feeling like this. I am so sorry that I did it.....not as sorry as I am sure I will be when I have to stand in front of Professor and answer for it. But pretty damn sorry already. I have to have more self discipline than this. I am strong enough to do what I know is right, what I know I should, what I know is best, what I know is expected of me.......and if none of those reasons are good enough, then I ought to be smart enough to do what I am told to do by Professor. He cares about me and wouldn't have me follow a rule that was pointless or wasn't fair. He is very fair.......very firm but very fair. I am so nervous about having to tell him I did this. I want to take it back, I want to hide under a rock, I want to do anything in the world but have to tell him that I did something I know will not please him. Not only not please him but it is going to piss him off.....alot. Make him worry about my physical safety, make him irritated that he will *again* have to repeat himself to me, anger him that I would be so disobedient about something so important. Ughhh. I want to cry.
:( This sucks.....and I hate it. Atleast this 'yucky' feeling of absolute dread should serve as a deterrent in the future right? Well this feeling and what I know I have coming for making this ignorant choice......yep, damn good deterrents. **Sighs** I'm just sorry.....and I want to fix it. I know this punishment is going to hurt.....alot.....as much physically as it will emotionally. I just want to pay for what I did, make it up to him, be forgiven so I can forgive myself.....and start again with a clean slate, being his good girl, making him happy. I absolutely hate when I put something like this between Professor and I......it drives me crazy because I can not let it go, I can not stop feeling guilty and stupid and like a complete failure as a submissive until I know he has forgiven me. Those feelings are only worse when I do something I know can and likely will be perceived as disrespect toward him as my Disciplinarian. I *never* want him to feel I have disrespected him. I respect him a great deal. He is absolutely amazing and I want only to please him. This stupid little choice has obviously helped me fall far short of pleasing him.....far short.
Professor.....I am so sorry. So incredibly sorry. I promise after this punishment I will *never* make you repeat this lesson to me.....ever. I told you I would never make you a promise that I could not keep.....I promise you this will be the last time Sir. I am so sorry. I didn't keep my guard up and honestly, I just plain didnt care.....but I care now. And not even so much because of the spanking I know you will give me for this.....I care because I know you're going to be disappointed, feel disrespected, be worried for your girl's safety, irritated about repeating yourself.....I care now because I never meant to put you through any of that. I'm sorry Professor......so very very sorry. I promise I'll accept whatever punishment you choose to administer and I wont whine about it. I just want to fix this.....I hate when I do something that can hurt us.....Im sorry, I was wrong and I am so sorry Sir. Please forgive me....I know I dont deserve it.....but I really need it. Im sorry.