One Stupid Choice........
Okay, I screwed up. No I *really* screwed
up. I did something stupid. No, ignorant.....*really* ignorant. What the hell is
wrong with me? I know better and I knew better when I did it.....but did it stop
me from doing it??? Nope, ofcourse not. Impulsive Natalie won out again and did
what she damn well wanted to do without regard for the consequences. Once again
allowing a poor mood to dictate my actions and end up getting myself in really
big trouble.......this is probably as serious as it could get on the severity of
trouble scale. Yep a definitely risky and down right ignorant choice.
Ughhh.....the consequences. I do not even want to think about the spanking
this is going to get me. This is going to be a bad one. Worse? I don't want to
see the look this little slip-up will put on my Disciplinarian's face. I wonder
if he would let me wear a blindfold and ear plugs to my punishment session for
this??? Yes that would work perfectly.....I wouldn't have to see or hear his
disappointment. Ughhh.....not likely that this will happen.....actually I think
I have a better chance of being struck by lightening.....like a dozen times.
Disappointment......God I *hate* that word. But, I am a smart girl and I'm
relatively certain what I did will garner that response from Professor. Well
that (disappointment).....and worry, and concern, and anger. Yep, Im screwed.
I didnt even want to tell him. I couldn't find my voice to even call him to
confess. I gave a vague apology through IM, when Professor asked what I did, I
told him I couldnt tell him.....that didnt work out well, never does. I told
him.....I always tell him, even though it scared me to have to tell him
something I know will anger him. He is not happy with me.....not even close. I'd
even venture to say he is beyond pissed off at me right now. I wish now I would
have called him, even if I would have gotten a harsh lecture, I know hearing his
voice *after* the lecture would help to ease my worry until we are together in
person to address it. I hate to tell him dumb shit like this. Why? Well, because I know better. We have
talked about this. I know how he felt, I know the rule he put in place regarding
the matter and I knew it wouldn't be overlooked if I chose to break the rule.
Somehow, I still did it. I am surprised at myself. I want nothing more than to
please him but yet when in a pissy mood I allow myself to do something that I
know is going to infuriate him???
In the process of this little mistake.....I have broken several more
important things......very important......like 4 of the 5 D's in a D/s or DD
relationship. Disobedience, Defiance, Dangerous, Dishonest, Disrespectful. Yep
knocked off all but the dishonest with this one. Great job right? Ughhh. What
the hell is wrong with me? I know better. It is not that I can not drink at
all....well I may not be able to after this little stunt.....but I can't drink
the one drink that I usually opt to have. It is dangerous because of the alcohol
content and my heart meds (if you've read blog entries of sessions with me &
my Marine, you'd see this is not a new issue).....and I know this. My Marine
husband was probably more strict with me on this rule than on anything
else....ever. And I knew if I pushed too much, my Professor would end up being
the same way. But did that make me behave? Obviously not or this blog entry
would not be necessary.
I can't do it.....it is truly dangerous.....like playing Russian roulette
every time I do it. I've known it for quite a while and Professor told me to
take it off of my list entirely of what I thought was acceptable. "Listen
carefully Natalie Lynn, I promise you will not ever want me to have to repeat
this to you. No more....not even one.....ever. Do you understand me young lady?"
Yep.....he made it crystal clear.....but I refused to listen to that 'think
twice' voice and I did it anyway. By choosing to order that one damn drink I
deliberately disobeyed him. Because I thought about it before I did it &
knew better but did it anyway, I was defiant. Deliberate disobedience and
defiance is absolutely disrespectful. So there you go, 4 of the top 5. Ughhh.
I felt exactly like this when I broke the speeding rule just days after he
punished me for it. I've got the same thoughts filling my head now as I did
then. Am I just used to doing it so I didnt realize I had until after? Did I
just not care? Worse.....did I do it subconsciously to test him? To see what
would happen if I deliberately defied him? To find out how firm he would stand
his ground on this issue? Pretty dumb.....if that was the reasoning,
subconsciously or not, it was beyond stupid. I know damn well what will happen
and I am not looking forward to it. I don't want to have to face him for this. I
am a mess right now.
I'm worried.....I'm scared.....I'm angry at myself for doing it.....I'm
still completely shocked that I did it in the first place. And for what? Because
it was good? Because I liked it? But was it good enough to be worth what it is
going to end up costing me.....uh, NO....nowhere even close to being worth that.
Temptation sucks......giving in to it is even worse. I hate feeling like this. I
am so sorry that I did it.....not as sorry as I am sure I will be when I have to
stand in front of Professor and answer for it. But pretty damn sorry already. I
have to have more self discipline than this. I am strong enough to do what I
know is right, what I know I should, what I know is best, what I know is
expected of me.......and if none of those reasons are good enough, then I ought
to be smart enough to do what I am told to do by Professor. He cares about me
and wouldn't have me follow a rule that was pointless or wasn't fair. He is very
fair.......very firm but very fair. I am so nervous about having to tell him I
did this. I want to take it back, I want to hide under a rock, I want to do
anything in the world but have to tell him that I did something I know will not
please him. Not only not please him but it is going to piss him off.....alot.
Make him worry about my physical safety, make him irritated that he will *again*
have to repeat himself to me, anger him that I would be so disobedient about
something so important. Ughhh. I want to cry.
:( This sucks.....and I hate it. Atleast this 'yucky' feeling of absolute
dread should serve as a deterrent in the future right? Well this feeling and
what I know I have coming for making this ignorant choice......yep, damn good
deterrents. **Sighs** I'm just sorry.....and I want to fix it. I know this
punishment is going to hurt.....alot.....as much physically as it will
emotionally. I just want to pay for what I did, make it up to him, be forgiven
so I can forgive myself.....and start again with a clean slate, being his good
girl, making him happy. I absolutely hate when I put something like this between
Professor and I......it drives me crazy because I can not let it go, I can not
stop feeling guilty and stupid and like a complete failure as a submissive until
I know he has forgiven me. Those feelings are only worse when I do something I
know can and likely will be perceived as disrespect toward him as my Disciplinarian. I
*never* want him to feel I have disrespected him. I respect him a great deal. He
is absolutely amazing and I want only to please him. This stupid little choice
has obviously helped me fall far short of pleasing him.....far short.
Professor.....I am so sorry. So incredibly
sorry. I promise after this punishment I will *never* make you repeat this
lesson to me.....ever. I told you I would never make you a promise that I could
not keep.....I promise you this will be the last time Sir. I am so sorry. I
didn't keep my guard up and honestly, I just plain didnt care.....but I care
now. And not even so much because of the spanking I know you will give me for
this.....I care because I know you're going to be disappointed, feel
disrespected, be worried for your girl's safety, irritated about repeating
yourself.....I care now because I never meant to put you through any of that.
I'm sorry Professor......so very very sorry. I promise I'll accept whatever
punishment you choose to administer and I wont whine about it. I just want to
fix this.....I hate when I do something that can hurt us.....Im sorry, I was
wrong and I am so sorry Sir. Please forgive me....I know I dont deserve
it.....but I really need it. Im sorry.
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