Saturday, April 7, 2012
Learning to Trust
I am not a trusting girl by nature. I take nothing at face value. I scrutinize everything.....break it all down.....over-interpret......over-analyze. I have to always think things through, dissect it and find out all of the "why" and "how" and "what for" questions that flood my mind. I have to have answers......lots and lots of answers.
Maybe I am defective. My over-analyzing drives me insane more often than it gives me peace of mind. I learned and mastered these skills pretty young in my life. I stopped trusting after time and again people let me down, people lied to me, people hurt me. I got tired of it and decided I would take the ability to hurt away from other people. If I trust no one, then no one can hurt me. If I depend on no one then no one can let me down. I have had the occasional exception and allowed someone to come into my life......but very rarely. My not trusting anyone or anything can overwhelm me at times when I feel I am the only one on which I can depend......I push others away. I don't ask anyone for help.....ever. I take care of myself and those important to me.
I am also, along with everything else, a control freak. If I am ever not in control.....I am lost. I don't depend on others and I don't react to others as often as I aim to have them react to me. I am happiest and feel most secure when I make the decisions, I plot the course and I determine the outcome. This has worked rather well for me in life, especially the last couple years......and I really had no intent on changing it when I found someone who would end up helping me to start to change it all.
Then came February and an amazing chance meeting spurred by nothing more than luck. Now, somehow, things are changing. I am by no means opening up to everyone.....I am no closer to asking for or accepting help than I was 6 months ago.....I am still pretty tightly locked up emotionally.....but it is all very slowly changing.
How??? I don't know.
Why??? I'm not certain.
What for??? I can't yet answer that.
Amazingly.....I am okay with the not knowing in this. Perhaps what I feel is more important than what I know at the moment. I took a chance and it has paid off. I opened up a little bit.....like a scared woman huddled behind a door with the chain lock engaged but slightly cracking the door to peer outside.....and the light that came in filled that dark room.
I was able to trust......only a very little at first......but it has only grown since I went out on that limb. I am learning that it *is* okay to trust. That not everyone is going to hurt me. There may just be a few good people in this world......and I have found one of them. Looking back over just the last 60 days, I am still almost bewildered by it really. I seemed to have been teetering on a ledge at that moment......lost in my own self-destructive behavior.....honestly not caring what the outcome.....maybe, in some ways, crying for help. Pushing the envelope every time. Crossing every boundary I saw. Testing and then testing again. In most outward ways, I seemed like I had it all together. Intelligent, independent, professionally successful, driven, happy. But inside? Total opposite.....completely out of control.
Standing there on that ledge.....teetering.....trying to balance......and then it happened......I fell. Catching myself on the very edge......barely holding on with one hand while hesitantly reaching out with the other. Someone took that outstretched hand. Someone saw me hanging there......and he stretched his strong hand out to mine and took hold to pull me up. And these last couple months he has been slowly, patiently walking me back from that ledge. Two steps forward, one step back. But he is always there beside me. Always watching as I stumble and then reaching out to steady me again. Always showing me that it was not just okay for me to trust him, it was a very good decision.
I have tested and tested again......pushed and then pushed some more.......he has not wavered. When I have questions, he answers them. When I need to talk, he listens. When I push, he pushes back. When I cross a line, he does not have to pull me back.....he only, now, has to call me back......and I return to him. He points me in the right direction and is always there when I need him. I can't believe I just said that.....I *need* someone else. I *can* trust someone else. He is teaching me something new all the time. He shows me everyday that it is okay for me to put my trust in him.....place my hand in his.....and he wont let me down.
Showing me that it takes strength to be able to trust other people and to trust my reactions to those people. Showing me that by locking myself up and hoarding that control, I was in control of nothing. My anger, my bitterness, my negativity only opened me up to be hurt. I allowed others to control me and my emotions because I was never truly in control myself.
Firmly, patiently teaching me all over again what true strength and control is. Opening my eyes for the first time in years to see everything I had been missing by not ever trusting. I have to give up that control in order to re-learn how to take the control back in my own life. It has been slow progress and much of it difficult.....very very difficult. He is always there with a "things worth having are worth working for" and "more difficult only means you have to work harder at it, clear?".
I don't know how he does it. I don't know why he does it. I don't know all of those answers that I've always seemed to depend on but *we* are slowly going to find out those answers together. And what I do know is far more important than what I do not yet know. I *do* know he is real & he cares.....I *do* know I can trust him and I am so glad I took that chance......I *do* know the destination will be worth the journey......and I *do* know that this man in absolutely amazing and I am a very lucky girl. Extremely lucky girl and equally appreciative.
I *can* trust again.